Opening Thoughts
-Bryan had a decent showing against Batista on Raw last night, and though all of we wandering Internet nerds so desperately wanted Bryan to beat him, we all knew that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening. Come on, the guy can’t beat Skip Sheffield, and he was supposed to make one of the largest stars in the company tap out? That tinfoil-hat-thinking, people. Anywho, he looked good, but the biggest problem as far as WWE brass is concerned is that he looked tiny, like if your little brother stripped down to his maroon underoos and tried to take down his alcoholic ‘roided out uncle. Even though he wrestles like a pro, he looks like a jobber, and as long as he’s booked like one, then that’s what he’ll be seen as. I mean, fans on Raw barely popped for him until he locked in that sweet triangle crossface thing that I can’t remember the name of.
-Worst part is, someone totally corrected me on the name of it in an earlier column. Omoplata, or am I thinking of a different move?
-Naturally, Barrett looked good, too, as the guy is, frankly, pretty darn good. I look forward to he and Bryan wailing on each other in future events.
-Oh god, please let R-Truth destroy Otunga tonight, although we all know that Otunga is going to beat him by reversing a sunset flip. See how much I dislike David Otunga? I’m rooting for R-freaking-Truth, a man who jumps between good Wayans brother (i.e. Damon or Keenan-Ivory) and bad Wayans brother (the other ones) in terms of personality and whose few wrestling moves are based on spinning like a plate on a cruise ship talent show, to take him down a peg. And I LIKE R-Truth, but we can’t pretend he’s anything remotely resembling a revolutionary character or a varied competitor. Still, take him down, Truth, and keep acting the way you’ve been in the last few skits, on both Raw and NXT. It’s done wonders for you as a character, in this writer’s opinion.
There’s a show in here somewhere…
-All of the rookies are in front of the ring, and Matt Striker announces that next week will be the Pro’s Poll, eliminating one of them. That being said, as David Otunga won the challenge last week (that was in no way rigged at all in any possible manner), and will take on R-Truth, as has been previously discussed. Tonight, they’ll be running an obstacle course, and they have to run all around the freaking arena in some nightmarish exercise involving monkey bars, running up the stairs to down a soda (“Diet, possibly,” notes Striker), and doing the dizzy-pat thing from Wild and Crazy Kids. Does anyone else remember that show? I used to watch it like I was paid in candy bars and rainbows to do so.
-Whomever gets the fastest time wins immunity from elimination next week. That seems vaguely important, so it gets its own bullet point.
-Daniel Bryan, since he had a grueling match with Batista last night, gets to go first. I don’t know how that gives him any kind of advantage (he sets the time, I guess), but he really needs to win this, as I expect that he’s going to be seven or eight last week, and if someone else gets the immunity, I don’t see how Bryan dodges the bullet, and giving it to anyone other than Tarver would be pointless, as those guys are easily the bottom two. Bryan off to a really, really lethargic start, and he’s really slow out there, selling the bruised ribs from taking three Batista bombs from last night. He’s going way too slow, and I don’t see him winning this. He’s taking his sweet time drinking the soda, too. Michael Cole calls him a weirdo because he doesn’t like soda. Thanks, Cole. He’s taking a long, long, LONG time just drinking soda, and it’s pretty ridiculous. He finishes it at nearly two minutes. The thing also involves juggling, which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. He finishes at 2:45.5, which is absolutely horrendous, but I imagine that Tarver will screw up somehow.
-Miz comes out and rips him apart for embarrassing him, and says that he should never, ever use injuries as an excuse (see what he did just there, with the hypocrisy and whatnot?). He’s up against Michael Tarver next, and one of them ain’t gonna be winless no more. Huh…whoever loses is eliminated last week, methinks, unless the Pros simply like Bryan enough to rate him somewhere in the middle.
COMMERCIALS
-Cole points out Miz’s hypocrisy from last night, and I LOVE that his doctor’s note had “DOCTOR’S NOTE” written on it in big capital letters.
Match One: Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver
Winner Wins A Match!
-You know, I’m thinking Tarver wins this one, just ’cause. I still think Tarver is decent in the ring and on the mic, and if they don’t make him Ted Dibiase’s Virgil, then I don’t see much of a use for him. Bryan takes him down, and appears to set up a Mexican surfboard, but instead just jumps in the ear and stomps Tarver’s knees into the mat. That’s a pretty good idea, and I don’t recall seeing anyone else ever do it before. Tarver hits him hard in the gut, then throws him hard into the corner, but Bryan runs out with a hard leg lariat. Nice. Tarver manages to slam him, and we go to commercial.
COMMERCIALS
-Wow, sweet t-bone suplex from Tarver. Bryan reverses an Irish whip, and then kicks the living crap out of Tarver, across the back and chest. I recall people once shouting that Mr. Bryan would indeed kick in the “bleeping” head of his opponent, so perhaps this is evidence of such an occassion. Running elbow into the corner by Bryan, and he’s looking good out there, getting strong reactions from the crowd. Viva la actual wrestling! Snap suplex of a sort gets two, and he locks in an armbar, but Tarver powers out. Hey, this match isn’t half-bad. Tarver hits his weird reverse powerslam thing…and gets the pin? I take it back, just for the out-of-the-blue-ending. Miz’s face says it all: “You. Have. GOT. To. Be. Kidding. Me.”
Winner: Michael Tarver
-I’m assuming that Tarver is still eliminated, and he calls shenanigans. Post-match, Tarver picks up Bryan, and Carlito gives him a Backstabber. Tarver pointing and laughing at his Pro hurting Bryan is kind of funny, as if to say, “Dude, that was awesome!” Matthews doesn’t think that Bryan will be eliminated next week, due to his previously high ranking if nothing else, and that’s probably what will save him. I think Tarver is toast in terms of the competition, but hopefully all of these guys will find work with the company. Well…not hoping for Otunga, but that dude is going to be employed for as long as his marriage and minor-celebrity holds out.
-Replay of Darren Young next week trying sell programs by suggesting a match between himself and CM Punk. He even says, “I’m sick of this.” Ooh, that’s probably not going to go over well with the bossman. And, naturally, we come back to the lockerroom and see the SES boring holes into Darren Young with their stares, and Young looking pretty sheepish. “What are you sick of? Are you sick of sitting under the learning tree of CM Punk?” Teehee. Young just wants to make an impact, he says, and CM Punk tells him that he better win the obstacle course.
-Heath Slater runs the obstacle course, and he also takes a little time to drink the soda. That may end up being the hardest part of this challenge. He does generally fine, and crosses the finish line at 1:36.9. Darren Young is already up, and ready to go. Cole mentions that he’s improved immensely, and I agree. I used to absolutely hate this guy, and I’m okay with him now. I’m not sure he’s outstanding, but he’s solid, and I imagine that they could do something with him. Matthews points out that the soda is easily the toughest part of the challenge thus far, and Young is definitely not going to win this competition, and while he’ll beat Daniel Bryan, he’s a solid thirty seconds later than Slater.
COMMERCIALS
-Justin Gabriel prepares to run the gauntlet, and Matt Striker has a weird comment. “This is for an immunity pass. I wish I had one of those when I was working!” Huh? Josh Matthews compares Justin Gabriel to the Jonas Brothers, and Cole at first doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but then cops to knowing who those dudes are. Matthews: “There I am, making pop culture references, and you’re off racing with the dinosaurs.” Cole: “Hey, you’re the one hanging out with the teeny bopper guys.” Matthews starts laughing as if to say, “Touche’.” Gabriel making good time, and he downs the soda real quick like. It looks like it’s going to be close, but Gabriel juggles with one hand, which actually gets a pop from the crowd. Justin Gabriel finishes in 1:29 flat, and that might be the winning time. David Otunga is next, and he looks to be giving it the old college try. When drinking the soda, he calls out “This ain’t diet!” Being that I don’t drink anything with sugar, I understand his problem. Otunga drops the juggling balls, and ends up clocking in at 1:35. Not bad.
Match Two: David Otunga vs. R-Truth
-R-Truth begins by juking, jiving, and pelvic thrusting. Lovely. Truth offers a handshake, but just slaps him in the face instead. Otunga, rightly, is teed off, but Truth points at his own eyes and says, “Keep your eyes on me.” That’s what we in the profession call, “a teachable moment.” Otunga capitalizes with a shoulderblock right before we go to commercial.
COMMERCIALS
-A bit of fisticuffs, but Otunga knees him in the gut and locks in…an abdominal stretch? Oy. Matthews says that we haven’t seen the abdominal stretch for awhile, and I just keep thinking that there’s a reason for that. Truth reverses it fairly easily, and we go into the flippy floppy offense portion of our evening. We get the cartwheel/split leg lariat combo, then the Lie Detector, and it’s over. Well, I’m happy with that ending, but I was POSITIVE that Otunga was going to reverse a sunset flip, utilizing the advice Truth gave him last week. Maybe I’m putting too much thought into this.
Winner: R-Truth
-Cole says that he can’t wait to hang out with R-Truth now that he’s been traded to Monday Night Raw. “I can’t wait to be singing, “What’s up? What’s up?” Matthews’ face is covered in disgust, and simply says, “You’re pathetic.” I don’t know if I’ve ever heard such venom in his voice. Cole is unbothered by it.
-Wade Barrett is next on the obstacle course, and he immediately falls off the monkey bars. He falls off a second time, and he then just says, “Screw it,” and walks off. Can’t blame him; the guy’s in the number two position, and he’s not going anywhere. Skip Sheffield is next, and he’s doing alright. He downs the soda with no problem, and…he’s doing pretty well. Alas, he loses by two seconds. Matt Striker congratulates him, apparently not realizing that the dude didn’t win. Michael Tarver runs the obstacle course, next. Is that the main event?
COMMERCIALS
-All of the rookies are lined up outside the ring for Michael Tarver’s run, which I guess is so that we can see their reactions on whether Justin Gabriel wins or not. Tarver does begin to compete, but he has trouble staying on the monkey bars. Cole is laughing a bit, but says that Tarver’s gloves might be causing a problem, and he might have a point there. He actually has a ton of trouble drinking the soda, and almost throws up for a second. I can kind of understand, as these are athletes; these dudes don’t drink soda. He ends up being disqualified for refusing to finish the soda, so Justin Gabriel wins this one. Not that he needed it, but alright. When asked for comment, Gabriel simply says that he’s glad that Otunga didn’t win this one, as he’s been getting on his nerves. “And hey superstar, newsflash: your ego outweighs your talent.” Gabriel, if he wrestled in the early 90s, would have a surfer dude gimmick, and Vince would want everyone to think he was Australian. He’d probably carry a boomerang, too.
-Otunga’s reaction: Nielsen says that when his face is on television, ratings are up.
-Okay, something interesting here; Michael Tarver makes his way to ringside, and Striker asks him who should be eliminated. “Me.” The crowd goes quiet. No one was quite expecting that. Striker doesn’t understand, and Tarver explains. “If I’m not here, then each and every one of these walking dead bodies are safe. I am sick and tired of waiting for a chance to actually prove myself, and I had to beat the crap out of an injured and overrated Daniel Bryan just to do it. And I showed every last one of you exactly what I’m made of, and I am the most dangerous rookie in NXT.”
-When Skip Sheffield is asked who should be eliminated, he gives a bit of a promo about himself, and says that Michael Tarver should be eliminated. Heath Slater is asked, and he calls himself “the OMRB” which I don’t see sticking, and also picks Tarver. Tarver is livid, which is stupid, as he JUST said that he should be eliminated. A bit silly, if you ask me. David Otunga is having words with Justin Gabriel, and Striker runs over to see what’s going on there. Otunga then IMMEDIATELY pisses me off. “I was just telling Justin GAYbriel here what would happen if he got into the ring with me.” He puts the emphasis on it just as I wrote it.
-Really? Is that what we’re resorting to? Goddamn gay jokes? This is PG stuff now, right? I hope someone gives him major crap backstage for that kind of juvenile nonsense. Leave that idiocy at the door, Otunga. Of course, this is the company where the CEO said that a couple of dudes seemed kind of gay when they did their DX Vegas nonsense. Unbelievable. Gabriel says that they can have a match right now, but the mic doesn’t pick it up. Congratulations, Mr. Gabriel, as far as I’m concerned, you’re some seasoning away from being a star, and Otunga can get hit by a bus for all I care.
-Wade Barrett says that he’s the only real man in this competition, but that Tarver just requested his release, and, frankly, he won’t miss him. Tarver, again, is ticked. When Daniel Bryan is asked, he picks himself, as he’s the only guy who hasn’t won a match. Darren Young says he wants it more than everyone, and goes down the line, but Barrett just piefaces him. and Young charges. It’s oddly funny to see Wade Barrett calmly lock him up on the floor, his face showing not a care in the world, as if Young isn’t worth his time. It does, however, turn into a fight, with refs separating them and whatnot.
Closing Thoughts
-Only two matches this week, with most of the show dedicated to watching guys drink soda. Marvelous.
-Oh, and I apparently missed the “sickest burn ever” as decided by a good friend of mine, so here it was, when I apparently wasn’t paying attention:
Cole: “Josh, you’ve spent a lot of time on the playground, you must know something about monkey bars.”
Josh: “This is Tuesday. You’re thinking of Mondays and Jerry Lawler.”
-Ouch.
That’s all I got. I’ve no more opinion to dole out until next week. Maybe then, there’ll be wrestling! We can hope, right?
