The People’s Column: TNA’s WWECW Reunion (Satire)

It’s time for another People’s Column. This week, I decided to try something a little different. Let me know what you think in the comments. Of course, non of this is true. None of the quotes actually were said (to the best of my knowledge). Please hit me with those comments and for more material like this and insightful commentary, check out itswilltime.wordpress.com, where this column originated.

Ladies and gentlemen, TNA has heard your cries! Yes, since the end of ECW at the beginning of this year, fans have been clamoring for that style of program. Sure, NXT has been there, but that doesn’t matter. There was no better place to see superstars either past their primes or just breaking into the business.

This week on Impact, the ring will be rushed by former ECW talent. Included in this talent will be Kevin Thorn, The Zombie, The Boogieman, Armondo Estrada, Colin Delaney and so many more! Of course none of them will be using those names, since they are all trademarked by WWE. Yes, all of your favorite ECW stars of the past will be included, with bonus brand new names.

Tommy Dreamer has said that his time in ECW from 2006 to 2010 was the happiest of his career and he has come to TNA to try and recapture that spirit. There was nothing like the creative spirit of the unoriginal ECW. Tommy has fond memories of being squashed by The Great Khali at the only ECW pay per view after it’s relaunch, December to Dismember. He has been in touch with Khali to try and recreate that career moment, but Khali said “Haaaa Nabbb,” which this reporter believes means “No.”

Rumors are running wild as to what other ECW talent will be involved. Is it possible that we will see former champion Bobby Lashley show up and show us why he is the future of extreme? Will The Pope fire up the Elijah Express and bring the New Breed with it? Both of geese men were touted as the future of “Extreme” during their short time with the brand.

Other wrestlers who fought for the brand are steaming about not yet having received the call from Dixie Carter and Tommy Dreamer. “The Hurricane” Gregory Helms said “I fought my heart out for those three letters, ECW and I am personally insulted by being excluded. A star of my caliber deserves better. What’s up with that?” After that last sentence, Mr Helms was informed that he was violating a WWE copyright.

The real question as we go into this revolutionary moment in sports entertainment is what about the former ECW talent still under contract to WWE. These stars played an integral part in building this brand and keeping the ratings just below 1.0. When contacted for comment, Matt Hardy said (via Twitter) “I will not die and neither will the spirit of ECW. Wish I was there.” Former ECW Champion Mark Henry has made it known to management that his career would not be the same if it weren’t for ECW. He has promised to pay tribute as best he can. Another former champion, Christian (formerly Christian Cage) said he would be there, but he seems to have forgotten where the Impact zone was.

As we move towards this day that will change TNA as we know it, one must wonder, what about the originals from the first, lesser incarnation of ECW? Raven said about two years ago while the brand was still going strong, “We were good, but we had nothing on the stuff their doing now. This version of ECW is touring nationwide in 20,000 seat arenas. I just wish Vince McMahon would return my calls.”

This is the biggest event in TNA history! Hard Justice will be an event like none other!

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Thanks for reading folks! Check out itswilltime.wordpress.com for more!

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