Tonight’s RAW is guaranteed to be witty, snarky and will attempt to not make any regulatory Kanye jokes about being a douchebag or an asshole.
Well, that lasted a few seconds.
OK, no one cares how sucky the VMA’s were last night (even though Linkin Park was good). What matters is that Chad Ochocinco is on RAW tonight and RAW Roulette makes its return! So…in respect of tonight being a new season of WWE Monday Night RAW….
ARE YOU READY TO GET RAW?!
We open RAW with John Cena and Randy Orton stand with Josh Matthews and the RAW Roulette wheel. Cena has Eve Torres spin the wheel and it lands on a Tables Match. Randy scoffs off and Josh Matthews reminds Cena what happened nearly a year ago. Cena does his thing and we roll to the credits!
We see the steel cage above the ring as it could be a stipulation tonight. Justin Roberts welcomes Chad Ochocinco to the MNF theme of old. “Hey”, he says. He proclaims himself the most handsome guest star. I’m not one to judge. He pimps RAW Roulette and is interrupted by the Miz. The Miz can relate to Ochocino and he kisses up to him, while doing great at putting himself over. He heels it up a bit and mocks the Bengals. Ochocinco looks at the Miz and he says “child, please”. He reminds the Miz that the Bengals that Cincy is where it is at. The Miz makes fun of how T.O. and Ochocinco were in the locker room for half the game. He calls them overrated and is interrupted by the RAW GMail. The Miz has a match tonight and the wheel is spun. The Miz will be in a Submission Match and the RAW GMail chimes again and the GM gives Ochocinco the power to name the Miz’s opponent. 85 means the number of ways this opponent can tap him out.
Out comes Daniel Bryan and the match is next!
Commercials.
Submission Match: Daniel Bryan v. The Miz
We’re JIP as Bryan sends the Miz in the corner. Bryan crashes and burns as Alex Riley joins us at ringside. Scoop slam by the Miz and he focuses on the tweaked leg of Bryan. The Miz looks for the Figure Four, but Bryan counters and the Miz has to get out of it. LaBell lock attempt and the Miz gets to the ropes before its locked in. Miz waves Riley off and it seems the Miz is legit hurt or is a good actor. The Miz seemed to have pulled a hernia and he is pulling out of the match. Seems that he is giving Alex Riley to the wolves.
Result: No Contest
Submission Match: Daniel Bryan v. Alex Riley
Riley takes it to Bryan and Bryan counters into a Crossface and Riley taps like a bitch.
The Miz magically heals up and goes on the attack. He punts Bryan in the head and he continues to mock him. Bryan gets up and goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Bryan counters to the LeBell lock and the Miz taps and squeals.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Grade: C+ (For the whole thing)
Jillian Hall spins with Edge and the two engage in a duet for a moment until Edge realizes that his fate is at the hands of the wheel.
Commercials.
We are back and here comes Edge. Who is he facing and in what match?
Bodyslam Challenge: Edge v. Evan Bourne
Lame. Edge with a bodyslam attempt, but Bourne floats over. Bourne leaps over the ropes, almost makes the mistake, but still gets out of it. KICK by Bourne knocks Edge out. Bodyslam attempt by Bourne gets countered by Edge with the Edge-O-Matic. Edge bodyslams Bourne for the win.
Winner: Edge
Grade: N/A
Post match, Edge spears Evan Bourne and the RAW GMail is busy tonight. Edge is congratulated, but since Edge took advantage of Bourne after the match, Edge has to face this man.
Bodyslam Challenge: Edge v. Mark Henry
Edge tries to attack, but Henry just won’t go down. Edge takes advantage of Henry hitting the corner. Bodyslam by Edge…gets pancaked instead. Henry slams Edge to victory.
Winner: Mark Henry
Grade: N/A (Hard to grade these type of matches and it wasn’t a total waste of time)
Commercials.
Song & Dance Competition: Ted DiBiase & Maryse v. R-Truth & Eve Torres
What’s wrong with just having all “WRESTLING MATCHES” on the wheel? Truth raps and Eve dances. Ted DiBiase says that this is ridiculous and I agree. Ted says that he should just forefit this competition and walk out, but he won’t. So, Ted goes Disney on all of us. Forget this. Even Maryse’s suggestive dancing on how she wants Ted can’t save this.
So, the crowd craps all over it, so Ted and Maryse attacks. Eve takes care of Maryse and slaps Ted for good reason. Truth connects with the Lie Detector and we go back to rapping and dancing.
Winners (unofficially): R-Truth & Eve Torres
Grade: FTS (This is the definition of wasting my time)
William Regal is by the wheel and learns that he has to wear drag once again as he faces Goldust. Sheamus then comes in and learns that he faces John Morrison in a Falls Count Anywhere to which if Morrison wins, he will be in the Six Pack Challenge next Sunday. Then, the Bellas talk about a pillow fight.
Commercials.
Zack Ryder is with Edge and they complain a lot with Edge calling Zack a tool. Edge says that he’ll win the title next week and he and the title will go MIA. Sheamus disputes this and Zack acts like a tool. Meanwhile, John Morrison warms up on his custom training course.
That match…is next!
Commercials.
Last week, Chris Jericho was taken out of the Six Pack Challenge.
Falls Count Anywhere: Sheamus v. John Morrison
Lockup and Sheamus takes it to Morrison. Schoolboy gets two for Morrison. Whip to the ropes, baseball slide and Morrison scores another two count. Morrison baseball slides Sheamus on the apron. Hurrancurana sends Sheamus on the mat and Morrison connects with a knee for two. Sheamus gets his bearings back and he shoves Morrison into the retaining wall. Morrison lies in wait and Sheamus gets vaulted over the barricade. Morrison leapfrogs the barricade and mounts and punches Sheamus. That gets another two count. Sheamus comes back with the Irish Curse Backbreaker and he regains control. Sheamus hangs Morrison out to dry on the steel rail. Cover gets two for Sheamus. Sheamus goes for the pump kick and he connects with the equipment instead. Back and forth between the two and Sheamus slams Morrison on the top of the stage. Cover gets another two count. Sheamus punches Morrison before going to suplex him on the stage. Morrison gets hurled off the stage, but lands on his feet. Sheamus follows…FLASH KICK CONNECTS…TWO COUNT ONLY! Sheamus shoves Morrison into the barricade and we get another cover for two. Sheamus looks for a vertical suplex, but Morrison evades. Sheamus has a chair and he waits for Morrison, but he’s on top of the Tron! Morrison flies off and connects on Sheamus for a LONG TWO COUNT! Chris Jericho comes out and he hits Morrison with the chair. Sheamus capitalizes for the pin.
Winner: Sheamus
Grade: B+
Chris Jericho sits in the ring as we go to commercials.
Commercials.
We’re back and Chris Jericho is still in the ring. He won’t leave until he gets what he wants. He’ll stay in the ring if he has to. He’s going to sit here until he is reinstated into the Six Pack Challenge. He demands justice and he will have it tonight. If he doesn’t get what he want, then he will quit. He will watch the WWE burn up, laughing every step of the way. Oh, before he leaves, he will track the GM down and expose his identity. The RAW GMail chimes in and Jericho tells Michael Cole to read it. The RAW GM does not like ultimateums. There’s No Chance In Hell that it will work. Jericho already says that Vince McMahon isn’t that cowardly. Again, we get the RAW GMail and Michael Cole says that the Six Pack Challenge is now an elimination match and that Jericho is back in the match. Michael Cole continues, but Jericho insists on having his moment. He has his moment and the GMail says to never interrupt him again. There’s a caveat. Jericho has to compete right now in a handicap match against the Hart Dynasty…and it is inside a steel cage! So…why have the concept if you’re going to not use it for all matches? Unless, the RAW GMail has a version of the RAW Roulette Wheel on his computer. If that’s the case, I’ll overlook logic here.
Commercials.
Handicap Steel Cage Match: Chris Jericho v. The Hart Dynasty
We’re JIP as Jericho is in trouble. Kidd and Smith look to escape, but Jericho stops Kidd from escaping. Smart play by Jericho as the bigger man takes himself out of the match. Jericho looks to leave, but Kidd tries to baseball slide under Jericho for the close call. Jericho locks on a headlock, but Kidd gets out of it. Kidd mounts a comeback and he sends Jericho to the turnbuckle. Pillar to post and Jericho is close to escaping the cage. Kidd has him by the belt and he falls down. Kidd doesn’t do the smart thing, instead of leaving he goes for a crossbody, blocked by Jericho and he goes for the Walls. That’s countered into the sharpshooter. Jericho gets to the ropes, gets out of the move. Jericho launches Kidd into the cage, but he almost gets out of it. They fight on the top rope…SPINAL TAP VERTEBREAKER OFF THE TOP ROPE INTO THE WALLS! Kidd has to tap out! Kudos to him for taking that move like a champ!
Winner: Chris Jericho
Grade: B
Commercials.
Pete Rose is in the crowd tonight.
Trading Places Match: Goldust v. William Regal
So, how come Goldust is still wearing face paint? Then again, it should be a crime for Goldust to be wearing spandex. Regal gets the Goldust bite off, but Goldust knocks Regal into next week with the knucks.
Winner: Goldust
Grade: N/A (Well, hell…it was only one minute, counting entrances.)
Commercials.
Chad Ochocinco is in the ring as our guest ring announcer.
Tables Match: Randy Orton v. John Cena
So John Cena is from Newbury, Massachusetts? Freudian slip, anyone?
The bell rings and we get a facedown from two big stars. Lockup to start…neither one giving an inch. Another lockup and Orton goes down in a shoulderblock. Third lockup and Orton sends Cena down in a shoulderblock of his own. They jockey for position. Waistlock by Cena, but Orton decks him in the face. Kick to the chest and Orton posts Cena. He decks Cena and Orton looks to suplex Cena out of the ring. Cena gives and Orton nearly lands on the table. Break time.
Commercials.
We’re back and Orton nails the 3.0 backbreaker! Garvin stomp commences. Orton has Cena teetering on the apron. Counter by Cena and HERE HE COMES! Fisherman Suplex by Cena gives him time to regroup. Both men back up…Double Clothesline sends both men down. Both men back up. A.A. attempt by Cena…COUNTERED TO A DDT BY ORTON! Orton brings a table in the ring and it botches upon entry. Orton sets it up in the corner. HERE COMES CENA AGAIN! Protobomb! Five Knuckle Shuffle! Cena with the A.A., but Orton clotheslines his way out. POWERSLAM BY ORTON! RKO countered. STF by Cena! Here comes the Nexus! Theyy gang up on Cena! Orton RKO’s Tarver and they focus on Orton. A.A. to Otunga! Cena throws Slater over the top and through the table! Wasteland by Barrett! Another table gets placed in the ring. Barrett looks to place Cena on a table as Gabriel scales the ropes. Orton pushes Gabriel off into a table and Barrett looks at the carnage. Wasteland attempt, but Orton gets off and he shoves Barrett through the table! Cena is still down and Orton sees this. Orton coils up…here comes Edge and Jericho attacking Orton! Orton tries to fight back…Codebreaker countered! Edge spears Jericho INTO THE TABLE! Here comes Sheamus and he knocks Cena off the apron and he goes after him. Cena counters an Irish Whip attempt into the A.A. on the floor! Cena back in. Hangman DDT countered into the A.A. by the table. COUNTERED IN MID-AIR INTO A RKO! Orton wins!
Winner: Randy Orton
Grade: B+ (Overbooked, but was within reason.)
Show over.
