That Being Said: TNA Impact Report for 03.24.2011 – Hogan, Flair, Sting, Angle, Jarrett

Welcome to “That Being Said”, your weekly recap rage blackout of TNA Impact. This week, TNA continues down their extremely fragmented and inconsistent debilitating crash TV death spiral.

Thanks once again for all the kind comments on last week’s recap. I’m not going to be doing a huge intro this week, and I’m going to take a break from doing the “Interinactivity” Q & A stuff as well. I do enjoy doing Interinactivity, and plan on continuing with it. There didn’t seem to be AS many crazy comments last week though, and the crazy ones I did get seemed to be the exact same as they have been in the last weeks. I choose to take this as a good sign. I’m not naive enough to think that I’m getting through to anyone or anything, though, and that’s not what I’m trying to do. Anyone still hanging onto TNA at this point cannot be reasoned with, and deserves a medal for that kind of commitment.

I also think that a large portion of the TNA fanbase are the type of fans that stick with a company and will defend even the dumbest shit that the company does. This is not unique to TNA either – WWE has TONS of these trolls. But to me, that represents the lowest form of fan. A company – ANY company, not just wrestling – needs to have criticism in order to become better. So pretending along with them that people REALLY want to watch a WWE never-was coming off like a dyslexic, overacting Steve Austin / Ric Flair hybrid shouting ASSHOLE repeatedly, is edgy or current in the very least… is not helping them. Pretending that pushing another WWE never-was like Matt Morgan when that has been tried and failed SEVERAL times… is also not helping them. Pretending that Jeff Jarrett is ANY kind of a draw when ANY time in history has pretty much shown the exact opposite… is the farthest thing from helping them. Pretending that Jeff Hardy continuing to be the painted-up crack-monkey that he is on air is a good idea… well, you GET the idea.

You can’t pretend that EVERYthing that ANY company does is awesome. Not at any point in wrestling history has that ever been the case. Nor can you pretend that EVERYTHING on the show is awful. That’s why I make a point of identifying anything on the show that I actually even marginally like, whether it be a good match, like the main event last week (until the ending) or something actually coming off better than I thought it would (Bully Ray / D-Von or Bully Ray’s heel character.)

This seems to be a new concept to a lot of people, though. Since starting to write about wrestling, morbid curiosity demanded I check out a few other sites. The imaginary war going on between fans that love EVERYTHING that WWE does and the fans that love EVERYTHING that TNA does is hilarious. So needless to say, I did not continue this practice for very long. Because those people are not real, no more than their actual opinions are anyway. Either that, or they’re kids, and you can’t really blame them. But I don’t know if I’d let my kids watch TNA unless they were taking a class about producing TV and needed a great case study on how not to do it. Like, I don’t understand what my fantasy-booking Sarita-loving Mr. Hargrove sees in the things that he likes on the show, but at least he’s not choking down everything that TNA tries to feed him.

I’m not leaving TNA. TNA amuses me, and it’s like a case study to me at this point. But, for the record, I would like to point out to everyone that just because I’m hard on the current product, it doesn’t mean that I don’t WANT TNA to be good. It’s not like WWE is all that good or interesting right now either, and there’s no other competition out there. So it would be GREAT if TNA actually could put out some kind of competition right now. But, they aren’t. I also don’t want anyone to think that I believe it’s impossible that TNA could eventually break out and actually BECOME competition. How long did WCW have shit like the exuming of Glacier and Hulk Hogan throwing The Giant off the roof of a building before they actually came to the table? Nothing’s impossible. It just isn’t likely at this point.

I like Paul Heyman’s take on TNA. I don’t think that Paul Heyman is the super-wrestling-genius that some people seem to think he is, but I definitely think he is smart. And I think that he has a way better insight as to what TNA, in my opinion, actually needs to do if they want to succeed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPTSmRU3tkg
Yes, I know, I don’t know how to embed properly. Whatever.

“Do The Math”

We start with recapping the awesome, and edgy Mr. Anderson. This video is done MTV style. Does anyone else remember MTV? Apparently TNA does.

 TNA PGW (Predictable Opening Waste)

 Mr. Anderson comes to the ring. Oy. He’s got some fat guy with him. There’s a whiteboard in the ring. I don’t like where this is going. The guy is a professor in Green Bay. He’s a mathmetician. Naturally, Ken Anderson is still trying to be Stone Cold Rock Flair. It’s not working. Anyway, he says that Hogan and Bischoff don’t know math. They draw on the whiteboard some. He talks about how he and RVD both pinned each other last week. It doesn’t really make a lot of sense and doesn’t have anything to do with math. Ken Anderson also talks about how he likes big asses and was trying to plow this girl in college. I’m not going into it. He used the phrase “more cushin’ for the pushin’”, so… that’s why.

Anyway, Ken gives the teacher Kanyon’s finisher. I would guess that the point of the segment was for Ken Anderson to come out and try to be funny. But that wasn’t the case. So I guess the point of this is to show that Ken Anderson is a moron.

Here comes Hogan and Bischoff. Bischoff looks mad. Hogan is just playing air guitar because he doesn’t know or care about what’s going on. They take planted signs out of the crowd. Bischoff tells the crowd that he doesn’t understand why they like Anderson. He says that Anderson’s not funny and that he sucks. That’s true, actually. Bischoff is not getting a good reaction or a bad reaction. Hogan says that he digs everything that Anderson is doing, but that he’s been running around breaking Hogan’s rules. He says that he gave Anderson a chance to do things his way, but Anderson told him that he had to think about it.

Hogan says that Anderson has to earn his rematch because Anderson’s rematch clause was signed with Dixie Carter. Sure, that makes sense. Hogan then says that Anderson is fighting Rob Van Dam tonight. (For any Alzheimer’s patients, this is the same match from the PPV… again.) Anderson says RVD isn’t in his league. RVD’s awful music hits and he comes out. Commercial?!?! During the opening segment?

We’re back. Rob Van Dam says someone always comes out when they get cussed. Van Dam says he’s not happy about having to fight Anderson for his title shot either. They yell at each other, and Hogan gets yells at them too. Van Dam says he’s wondering why he came to TNA lately. Good question. He says he was at home, burned out on politics, and then says that Russo, Dixie, and Bischoff all called him to come to TNA, but he didn’t take anyone seriously until Hogan called because Hogan is a legend. He wonders why Hogan is screwing him over now.

Sting comes out. He wonders why Bischoff and Hogan are pretending to be best friends with the network. (They’re not… are they? When did that happen?) Then Sting says that the network called HIM and told him they wanted him to be the special enforcer for the #1 Contenders Match with Rob Van Dam and Anderson. Hogan and Bischoff freak out at this for some reason.

Announcers tell us that AJ Styles has a bruised spinal cord and is out indefinitely.

Commercial. Are you a woman? If so, you probably wouldn’t like Spike TV very much.

Backstage, Madison tells Tara to destroy Mickie… or else. Tara asks “or else what”. Madison tells her to shut up. Tara rides her motorcycle out.

HARDCORE COUNTRY .vs. Tara

I’ve LOVED the matches these two have had so far. They’re fun. I’m not being sarcastic. I’m serious. They’ve tried to kill each other like 100 times. They’ve vag-kicked each other like 200 times.

Tara rides out, and Mickie pulls her in the ring and gives her a Thesz press. Tara then slugs Mickie in the face, but runs into a body drop from Mickie. Mickie then slugs Tara, then Tara slugs Mickie and knees her in the face. Standing moonsault by Tara. 2 count. Tara charges Mickie in the corner, Mickie tries for a Hurricanrana but Tara turns it into a powerbomb. 2 count. Tara to the top rope, but Mickie hits the ropes and Tara gets crotched. Mickie hits her a few times while she straddles the ropes, and then she sort of falls onto Tara’s lap. They’re punching each other now, and Mickie is hanging upside down.

Tara then gives her like a Styles Clash off the top rope (holy SHIT), and holds onto her legs and puts her in a crab. Mickie makes it to the ropes. Tara kicks her, and tries to put her in her finish, but Mickie reverses and hits a swinging DDT. Pin.

Winner: HARDCORE COUNTRY

 Not terrible! Madison comes out. She stares at Mickie. Best female wrestler in the business.

 Backstage, Anderson tells Sting that he doesn’t like him. Anderson says that Sting stole his title shot. Sting says that The Network offered him the title shot. Anderson basically calls attention to how dumb this whole “The Network” thing is and how it doesn’t make any sense. He points out like 3 holes in the story. It’s awesome, but I’m not sure that’s wise. Anyway, Sting is like “later”. Yeah.

Commercial. You should get behind Detroit and buy a Chrysler because that city is resilient and Eminem told you to and making cars is WHAT THEY DO. That, and cannibalize themselves. They do that too.

 When we come back, we relive the magic that was Pope kidnapping and torturing Oddjob with what Oddjob and everyone else knew was a trick knife. No one stopped him. Security didn’t come. No police were called.

Presently, Joe is talking to Oddjob in the back. Samoa Joe is laying out his strategy in front of cameras. Oddjob is speaking another language, so I can’t tell you how this went. Joe doesn’t look happy.

Okada .vs. The Pope

The announcer pronounced his name wrong. I know this because Taz pointed it out. Okada jumps Pope and hits some strikes. Pope tosses Okada into the corner, but Okada kicks him in the face. Okada tries a dropkick but Pope movies, and Okada falls flat on his back. Pope chokes him on the ropes and hits some punches before slamming him into the apron and hitting multiple leg strikes, followed by a big kick to the head. He brings Okada back into the ring, and he’s bleeding out of his mouth.

Pope takes off his boot, and hits Okada with it. The referee is all “what do you want me to do about it?” Then Pope takes off his glove and punches Okada in the mouth. THIS causes a DQ. Boot hitting okay. Closed fists not.

Winner by DQ: Okada

Then they start playing Okada’s music for about 10 seconds. Then Pope punches the referee. Then Joe runs out. He gets crazy chants. Pope bails. Joe screams for a doctor.

Commercial. In case you know, all firefighters, nurses, and slutty gym rats are on multiple 5-hour energy shots. And if they aren’t, Spike TV thinks they should be. IT WORKS FOR THEM.

We get the Sting video package about how he didn’t originally want to be a wrestler and how he came to be in TNA, and how he left when Hogan and Bischoff took over. It’s actually not a bad package.

Then we get a Kurt Angle video package. Apparently after he tore apart Chicago looking for Jeff Jarrett and Karen a few years ago, he told Dixie that it was either him or Jarrett. Then he calmed down. Then he talks about how he now savors his time with his kids, as opposed to before. Then he talks about how he’s going to kill Jeff Jarrett at Lockdown. This package also was not terrible.

Commercial. I’m halfway through! This show is not going as slowly tonight. Probably because I’m focusing more on the commercials and less on the actual show. And on my schmancy new profile picture. Remember to Tweet me (or whatever) at twitter.com/BlairADouglas.

Van Dam walks into Hogan’s office. Hogan says that Rob Van Dam was right on the money in the opening segment. He says he hasn’t been himself. He says that RVD knows what Hogan has been through during the last couple years. But now he’s back. Now RVD is his guy. RVD looks confused. He says that he’s pulling for RVD tonight. RVD is not buying it. Hogan tells him to just think about it. RVD leaves the office. Hogan laughs at him and calls him an idiot. Again, I’m pretty sure some people that RVD know might watch Impact.

Fortune .vs. Immortal

Ric Flair, Brother Ray, and Raven come out. Flair says that usually he likes to steal the show, but tonight, he, GOD, (Raven echoes his yelling of the word “GOD”) is turning the mic over to two of the greatest tag-team wrestlers to ever exist. Raven, who it turns out is Matt Hardy, gets all gothic and talks about a collision course of destruction. He talks about how he and Ray made their careers 12 years ago. Then he talks about how he got stabbed in the back where they were before. Basically, he’s still not happy with WWE. Etc, etc. 

Now, Matt says that THEY are going to “undercut the legs and dreams” (?) of the young guys in TNA. Then Ray grabs the mic, and starts taunting AJ Styles. He says that he has an offer that Fortune can’t refuse. He says that Fortune should face them 3-on-4 (?) at Lockdown.

Fortune’s music hits and they rush the ring and a brawl and a “Fortune” chant breaks out. They go at each other for a while, until Roode is chopping the crap out of Flair in the corner before he falls on his face. Roode grabs him, and Beer Money gets ready to hit their finisher, before the lighting goes red and ABYSS hits the ring (I guess he’s their fourth) and destroys Beer Money. Kaz rushes the ring and takes a Blackhole.

Flair, Ray, Abyss and Not Raven start beating on Fortune some more. So like… didn’t they JUST give Abyss’ title away last week? Whatever. Forget I asked. Nevermind. Commercial.

After the commercial, Abyss screams at the camera. The usual stuff.

LAX V4.0

Hernandez’ music hits, and he comes out with every Mexican in the company. He still doesn’t like white people. His new friend is Anarchia. They are taking over. Rosita speaks Spanish. Then Rosita speaks Spanish. Then they bring down the American flag and say soon American’s still stop worshiping it, and start worshiping the Mexican flag. Then a Mexican flag comes down. Mike Tenay calls this an impressive display of power. That is an impressive stupid comment from Mike Tenay. Now they are calling out Matt Morgan.

So then Matt Morgan comes out with D-Von… for reasons not well explained. Now this is a street fight apparently.

Street Fight I Guess?
Matt Morgan & D-Von .vs. Hernandez and Anarchia

They brawl, and D-Von and Anarchia (I’m looking forward to having to type that often.) spill outside the ring, and Matt Morgan is all over Hernandez with his three moves. He doesn’t need any more moves than that because he is big. No one has questioned why D-Von cares about this.

So the Mexican girls start trying to have sex with D-Von and Matt Morgan. Velvet Sky doesn’t like this apparently. So she comes down and bitches start brawling everywhere. This doesn’t work very well because there are one of her and two of them. So she gets her ass kicked. Matt Morgan and D-Von are unwilling to help her apparently.

Then shit moves beyond stupid to stupid AND weird. We completely forget about the match. Angelina walks out like a zombie. She stares at Velvet but doesn’t help her. Winter comes out behind her and screams, and beckons Angelina to the back. Girlfriend is hypnotized I guess, naturally, because she turns around, goes to Winter and they go to the back. So Sarita and Rosita keep kicking Velvet’s ass. WOW.

Then Anarchia hits D-Von from behind with brass knucks. Pin.

Winners: Holy SHIT.

Commercials. Matt Hardy’s arrival in TNA is being used as a main selling feature of the Genesis PPV DVD. Even the fat girls on Matt Hardy’s message board are not going to fall for that one.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. They’re literally just picking names out of a hopper and throwing them on the match lineup!!! See, watch:

Ink Inc. .vs. Crimson & Scott Steiner

So according to the announcers, I guess Ink Inc. are heels now. And I guess you, the fans, are supposed to care about this. I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just telling you what they said. Steiner hits his signature spots on Jesse and then tags Crimson. Then Crimson beats on Jesse. Then Jesse tags Shannon. Shannon comes in, and Crimson kicks his ass too.

Shannon manages to get away and onto the top rope. He tries a moonsault despite having performed one move thus far. Crimson catches him in mid-air, and then forgets what he’s supposed to do. So he looks at Stiener. Steiner is like “drop him, fucktard.” So Crimson hits his finish. Pin.

Winners: Crimson & Scott Steiner

Jesse shakes the hands of Crimson and Steiner. Shannon comes in and throws Steiner’s mesh helmet at him. Steiner chases him out of the ring and rattles off like 200 swears. They censor them but you can see his lips so it’s pretty easy to see what he’s saying. But it’s not terrible like Anderson’s stupid schtick. Anderson should take notes. Anyway, Jesse apologizes for him. Steiner just keeps swearing.

#1 Contenders Match
Rob Van Dam .vs. Ken Anderson
Special Guest Enforcer: Sting

Sting was in wrestling gear for the opening segment. Now he is the special enforcer, and he is not. Mike Tenay and Taz talk about how equal these guys are. Duelling chants start, and Anderson’s are “We Are Assholes”. They jocket for position until Anderson eats turnbuckle, and a kick, and a standing moonsault. Spinning legdrop, but Anderson trips RVD on the way to Rolling Thunder. RVD goes for a monkey flip, but Anderson reverses into a neckbreaker. Anderson then hits another neckbreaker because he’s run out of moves. Anderson then hits ANOTHER neckbreaker. Man alive. 2 count?!?! 

Sleeper by Anderson because he’s run out of moves. They do this for a minute before we ALREADY have a ref bump. Van Dam hits a kick, but there’s no ref, so Sting comes in and counts 2. Anderson reverses and hits a clothesline, then eats another kick from RVD. RVD hits a clothesline, then another, then a side thrust kick. Then RVD points at himself. Split-legged moonsault gets him 2. Kennedy rolls out of the ring, and Van Dam slingshots outside onto him.

They brawl on the outside, and Anderson goes for a chair. Sting takes it away and while he does, Anderson kicks RVD in the dick. Then he Mic Check’s RVD into the post. Anderson comes into the ring, and tells Sting to count RVD out. Sting isn’t doing it. So Anderson punches Sting, then Sting kicks Anderson’s ass. The bell rings.

Winner: WTF?! (2 Weeks In A Row! Dude IS Gonna Get That Title Shot!!!)

They continue to brawl. The announcers are saying that now Rob Van Dam is the #1 Contender. But Anderson and Sting are brawling all over the place. Simon Diamond and Al Snow come out to keep the peace with some refs. Commercial. Stay tuned to find out if WTF got his title shot. Dude is awesome!

We are back! Let’s replay what just happened! Because that totally wasn’t just 2 minutes ago! TNA!!! TNA!!! TNA!!! The announcers argue about whether this means Van Dam won.

So they go to the back. Van Dam says he has his match tonight. The dude talking to him, whoever that is, tells him that he already fought Anderson. Van Dam is confused. He says his blood sugar must be low because he’s dizzy. The guy continues to tell him that he already fought Anderson. Van Dam isn’t buying it. He asks where Hogan is. He’s got a concussion or something. Because that gimmick worked out so well for Eric Young.

Now we’re with Ken Anderson. Anderson is confused as to why he was DQ’d. He thinks he was DQ’d because he was wrestling. That doesn’t make any sense at all. Then he says Sting is afraid to face him.

Now we’re with Sting. Sting doesn’t know who rung the bell. Now he’s talking about people getting their bell rung. Now Anderson finds him and they brawl. Then they get separated and Ken Anderson wants to know who rang the bell.

Ken Anderson mad. Sting mad. Van Dam fucked up. He’s gonna be getting boned by Orlando Jordan next week. Show over.

Yeah, I think I’m past rating these shows. Take away what you will. Everyone have a good weekend. Inspired by The Rock, I’ve got a Special Guest Host all lined up to help me with this shit next week. I can only hope that it works out better for me than it did for WWE, who’s Road To WrestleMania has been destroyed by the TNA juggernaut. Peace out.

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