For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/9/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/9/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, title-swappingist column on the world wide pulse, For Your Consideration. I’m your gone but not forgotten host Andrew Wheeler, and I’m gonna start off this week with a quick apology. I’m sorry for the absence of a column last week. Contrary to rumors, I was not part of the Navy SEAL group that killed Bin Laden, though I was there on Monday when The Rock somehow managed to generate cheap heat off of his death.

Yes, somewhere among those thousands of people in party hats chanting “USA! USA!” was myself and some friends who were reminded why The Rock is one of the greatest live attractions in the history of wrestling. Despite the fact that last week’s RAW had 31 minutes of pretaped videos, the show still somehow felt…ahem…electric live. No, it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination good, but it was damn sure fun to watch Rocky manipulate the audience at his will.

I hadn’t been to a live WWE event since 2009 (where my wife and I bravely sat through a disjointed episode of Smackdown), and every time I go I’m reminded that the so-called “smart” fan is in fact the drastic minority. There were a lot of fans in attendance that night looking forward to seeing The Rock, since that was probably the last time they ever bothered to click on a WWE program. There were a fair number of families, most of them decked out in John Cena hats and shirts. There were some fans in attendance that, despite it being 2011 and the proliferation of the internet is nearly 100%, were still talking about whether or not Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan would be there tonight. And yes, there were the few but vocal members of the “smart” wrestling fan society, who were just as thrilled to see Bourne/Ryder on Superstars as they were to see Cena/Miz.

Last week as an interesting week in terms of the WWE’s general dynamic. They had a PPV that in many ways was far superior to Wrestlemania, with several matches that seemed to meet or exceed what we saw at Mania. They then followed it up with a two hour love-in, in which the company took numerous steps to remind us that the biggest star in the WWE was a guy who wouldn’t be back again until probably March. But that didn’t matter because (a) The Rock delivered an entertaining (though kind of bizarre) flashback to the Attitude Era and (b) they did a Cena/Miz rematch for free. Then, to cap off the week, they had Randy Orton beat Christian for the World Title FOR FREE on Smackdown.

That, kids, is a hell of a week.

You’d think that after months of seemingly nothing happening on WWE programming that people would rejoice at all of this activity. Instead, the fans collectively lost their shit because Christian had to drop the title. It’s like I always say, marks overreact while the smart fan sits back and sees the bigger picture.

Christina was the third piece of the Edge/Del Rio storyline that sadly fell apart due to Edge’s retirement. With Edge now out of the picture and Del Rio on RAW, Christian winning the belt was the logical move, and also allowed for a “feel good” moment. But Christian was never meant to be a long-term face champion. The original plan was for him to turn on Edge and become a top heel, but when Edge was scratched, they just plugged Orton in.

A Christian heel turn is, in the long run, going to benefit him a lot more than a half-hearted Edge Dead Guy push ever would. Randy Orton is a much bigger established star in the fans’ eyes (the “Is Flair gonna be here” fans, not the “smart” fans), and Christian as a top heel will elevate him well above where he would be as a face.

Did his title reign have to be so short? Absolutely. They made a big deal about him finally winning the “big one”, only for him to lose it in his first defense. This should make him nice and bitter, especially considering the fans were the ones who picked Orton to be his opponent. He can now become Smackdown’s top heel (which wasn’t a major distinction since the other viable option appeared to be Mark Hey-Hey-Henry) and do what CM Punk did a few years ago and show his versatility on the mic again.

Or maybe he’ll just stay face and get jobbed out to Sheamus every week.

Alright, time to get my plugs out of the way and start the show. You can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook and post on the comment section down below.

The RAW Judicial Review for 5/9/11

“Andre the Giant.”

We open with Alberto Del Rio’s car and Ricardo Rodriguez’s ring announce, which makes this feel like we’re watching SNL. Del Rio is sporting a giant cross, which I guess is a sign of solidarity with the former World Champion.

Alberto talks about how Edge estole his etitle and how last week spent too much time talking about The Rock. Can’t really argue with that. He reminds us that the WWE Champion is Ejohn Ecena, so he should face him.

This brings out Rey Mysterio who says he deserves a shot just as much as Del Rio does. Rey says Alberto’s destiny is to be the personal ring announcer for Ricardo Rodriguez…which I guess is an insult.

Rey challenges him again and Del Rio once again calls him a Chihuahua. And now, Awesome, here comes The Miz. Also, for some reason, out comes The Mizfit…who I’m pretty sure was drafted to Smackdown. Miz says “Really” quite a bit before saying that RAW was his show and that the title was his and that the t-shirt he’s wearing is a terrible idea. Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but you know he’s thinking it.

Del Rio points out like a good evil villain that he didn’t get the job done, which means he goes to the back of the line. Miz says he did get the job done last week and he wants a rematch.

The Truth has been paroled and he wants to let us know he hates…hospital food. This of course leads to him reminding us that John Morrison is in the hospital for a broken neck. So apparently Truth has shifted from his racist minstrel gimmick to a racist Amos N Andy gimmick.

Truth calls The Miz Kermit, calls Rey Mysterio a superhero wannabe and a bottle nose, and he calls Del Rio a pompous Mexican fence jumper…and liver lips. He then reminds us that when the angry black man is talking that we should be quiet. Apparently if you kick his dog, he’ll kick your cat.

The GMail goes off and Michael Cole and his sharp looking glasses responds, “And I paraphrase…only three deserve the title shot: The Miz, Del Rio and Rey Mysterio.” Truth points out that he’s better than all of them, expecially Rey.

Mysterio agrees with the GMail and that is what is vertical. Who in the blue hell taught Truth how to do an intimidation face?

The Miz says that on RAW they are day laborers because the star of the show is…interrupted by an Alberto Del Rio ring entrance. Everyone then attacks everyone else, and Rey is the last man in the ring standing. Ole.

Commercial.

We’re back with the Slam of the Week where Kharma demolished Maryse.

The Bella Twins v. Eve & Kelly Kelly

Kelly Kelly is apparently in Maxim’s Hot 100 this year. One of the Bellas jumps her from behind and the two of them double-team her for two. Kelly comes back with a flying headscissor and a slap on the ass before connecting with the handspring elbow in the corner. Eve takes out the Other Bella and Kelly rolls her up for the pin.

I hear cackling and here comes Kharma. Apparently her music paralyzes all the Divas in fear. Eve decides to jump Kharma and gets flattened. Kharma runs out of the ring and Kelly flees. Kharma then hits the Implant Buster.

Kane and The Big Show are walking in the back towards a…

Commercial.

Did you know 5 Million people took 3 seconds on Facebook to click like for the WWE? Well, now you do.

Mason Ryan w/ CM Punk v. Kane

A rematch from last week’s stunning RAW main event. Mason Ryan starts with a take-down but gets nailed in the face with a punch. They trade terrible looking punches for a few seconds until Ryan hits a clothesline. Mason then connects with a slam for two.

Kane comes back with some dropkicks because he’s the “agile” one in this match. Punk on the outside takes out Kane’s knee but he gets knocked out by Big Show with the WMD. Kane tosses Ryan out of the ring, which brings in the lesser members of PuNexus.

Kane and Big Show then dispose of all of PuNexus and get some pyro celebration.

Commercial.

Santino Marella v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Dolph has now been “improved” with black trunks, while Santino has been “improved” by becoming a full-on jobber. Ziggler pops him in the face and wails on him before executing a fireman’s carry. He hits a leaping elbow to follow as we’re reminded that K-Mart sponsors the WWE…blech.

Santino fights back with Wacky Offense but when he goes for The Cobra he gets nailed with a dropkick and connects with the ZigZag for the pin.

Commercial.

We’re back and we relive Christian losing his title.

Resurrection-Truth is in the back having a conversation with himself before Generic RAW Interviewer stops for comment. Truth goes crazy for a while and then demands he yell “What’s up?”

We then see Zack Ryder and John Cena doing fist pumps as we fade to…

Commercial.

The Miz and Mizfit are in the back and they’re all upset about last week’s shenanigans. Mizfit goes all Snitsky and says that it wasn’t his fault. Miz gets upset about the unsolicited hug and says he doesn’t deserve to be in his presence. Mizfit walks out of the dressing room to make it up to Miz.

He walks through Gorilla and heads into the ring to challenge John Cena. This brings out Stars N Bars John Cena, who I guess accepts via theme song.

John Cena v. The Mizfit

Cena takes Mizfit down with a waistlock, which seems to anger him. Cena snapmares him down, which again pisses Mizfit off. John hiptosss him and tries for a blind charge but gets taken down with a clothesline and some punches. Riley’s token offense gets countered by the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Cena hits the FU when Miz appears on the ramp. John hits a second FU and locks in the STFU for the win.

Commercial.

Over the Limit’s official song is from Rise Against, which is a band I actually like. I’m floored.

Michael Cole is in the ring with a special announcement. That announcement is that he has retired from in-ring competition. Lawler climbed into the ring to show us highlights of The Rock walloping him last week.

Lawler says he’ll face Cole in an “induction versus Hall of Fame ring” match. Cole blows him off and goes back in the Cole Mine. From the Mine, he talks about how he liked watching his Mania DVD where he could relive beating Jerry Lawler. We then got a dead mother joke.

SwAngle jumps Lawler out of nowhere and bounces him off the ring post as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and apparently bullying is bad. Dorks.

United States Championship: Kurt SwAngle v. Kofi Kingston

Kofi goes for a waistlock to start but Swangle reverses it into an Ankle Lock but Kofi breaks free and goes for Trouble in Paradise before they’re back to a stalemate.

Swangle goes to the outside and Kofi leaps to follow but Swangle clotheslines him into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Swangle is still beating on Kofi Kingston. Swangle goes for a Vader Bomb but Kofi gets his knees up. Kingston goes for Trouble in Paradise again but Swangle moves. Kofi comes off the top rope with a cross-body for two.

Kofi tries to skin the cat but gets caught on a top rope Angle Lock. Swangle drives Kingston’s knee into the mat but Kofi rolls through and hits an elbow. He goes for a second rope DDT but gets flung across the ring and hurts his knee. Lawler appears at the top of the ramp and distracts Swangle which allows Kofi to hit Trouble in Paradise for the win.

After the match, Jerry dumps Swangle faster than a date that just turned 18. He grabs Cole’s tie and uses it to slam his head into the Cole Mine. The image of Cole’s face smashed into the glass will be a GIF for decades to come.

Lawler claims he didn’t touch Cole but rather his tie, but the law of battery defines “person” as any person or item intimately connected to that person, so technically he’s fired.

Commercial.

Triple Threat #1 Contender Match: Alberto Del Rio v. Rey Mysterio v. The Miz

Rey gets double-teamed by the heels to start, but he outsmarts them with his cunning and guile. He sets them up for a double 619 but gets clotheslined down by Del Rio, who slide him out of the ring. Miz rolls Del Rio up from behind but only gets two. Alberto goes for the Cross Armbreaker but it gets blocked.

Mysterio pops back into the ring and goes for a roll-up but gets two. Miz rams Del Rio’s shoulder into the turnbuckle and tries to pin Rey. Miz does his leaping clothesline which takes out both Rey and Del Rio for two.

Miz locks in a rest hold but Del Rio breaks it up and launched Rey out of the ring. Miz goes for SCF but they trade some reversals and end in a double-clothesline as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio and Rey are going at it. Rey fights out of a resthold only to get kicked in the thigh. Miz lowbridges Alberto out of the ring but takes a kick to the head from Mysterio who connects with a springboard legdrop for two.

Miz gets dumped to the outside where Del Rio clotheslines him onto the canvas. Rey leaps over the top rope and knocks them all out with a plancha. Rey then baseball slides into Miz with a dropkick.

Rey goes to the top rope and hits a seated senton and a flying crossbody for two. Mysterio connects with a flying headscissor and launches Del Rio into The Miz, who was perched on the top rope.

Rey hurricarans Miz off of the top rope but gets caught with an arm breaker by Del Rio. Alberto locks in the Cross Armbreaker. Miz breaks it up and hits a DDT for two.

Mysterio dumps Miz to the outside, where he is consoled by The Mizfit. Del Rio props Miz up for a powerbomb but Riley distracts and Rey hits a 619. He dropkicks The Miz and Drops the Dime until Mizfit pulls Del Rio out of the ring and Miz pins Mysterio for the pin.

John Cena comes out to challenge The Miz to an “I quit” match. In the ring, Resurrection-Truth pops out of nowhere to drop Rey Mysterio and give his “scary face” as we fade to black.

This has been for your consideration.