The Bachelorette 2011 Episode Three Recap

It was a rough week for dancers and dentists everywhere. 

After a minor emergency at 8:06 when I noticed my PVR wasn’t recording the show for some reason, I ran upstairs and thankfully, caught the first six minutes from my bedroom PVR (yes, upstairs too – stop judging me).  Then back down to get comfy and settle in for this week’s debacle.

All I have to say is wow.  That girl has been put through the wringer this week.  Don’t get me wrong, the only true moments of entertainment were caused by Bentley, totally at Ashley’s expense (with a slight interlude from William) and I cherished every one of them, but after a certain point she starts to remind you of that friend in high school – we all have them – who just keeps making the same mistake and going back to the same guy, no matter how many times he cheats on her.  By the end of the episode, I just wanted to shake Ashley until her ridiculously fake eyelashes finally unhinged themselves and flew off her over-bronzed face.

Episode three is usually around the time when the really bad sunburns start to take shape.  Just before that flaming red skin adapts and is taken over by a more golden glow around episode five, in episode three, it’s actually painful to look at these contestants (remember Nicky?  Shame).  Nick’s ginormous crimson forehead, coupled with his Mad Scientist hair that actually gets worse every episode is doing him no favours.  I think it’s time for him to trim that bush a bit.

So Ben gets the one-on-one date.  I was actually excited to see how Ben’s date played out.  He still has a spot in my heart for his Bristol board move back on episode one and I think he may have a sense of humour hidden somewhere behind those positively average looks, so I’m really hoping he’s got something to give us.

Are we watching the wrong show?  Is this So You Think You Can Dance?  How many times are we going to have to watch Ashley dance her way into someone’s heart?  Watching her teach Ben her ‘routine’ was a bit torturous.  Since I am actually a fan of So You Think You Can Dance, watching her try to pass off flapping her arms like an airplane or opening a bottle as dance moves was pretty pathetic.  Right up there in skill level with Churning The Butter, but not quite as good as Threading The Needle, know what I’m sayin?

Nevertheless, watching the Flash Mob made me sorta want to be a part of one and it also made me think of the episode of Modern Family when Mitchell surprised Cameron and I remembered what it felt like to actually be entertained by television.  Did anyone else notice Ben get a lot more confident as the crowd joined in?  He was positively strutting by the time the song ended.  Still you could tell that she wasn’t really into him by her complete lack of eye contact and preoccupation with lip-synching the words (incorrectly) during the live performance over interacting with Ben.

Onto dinner, where I realized that a) Ben says ‘like’ as much as Ashley and b) he’s about one menstrual cycle short of being one of those ‘I’m gonna be married by 27, with my first kid at 29 but in reality still single at 33′ girls.  Hearing him stress about emoticons made me thankful to be married.  Is that what I would be dealing with if I were single???

Moving onto the group date.  I had high hopes when Ashley’s date card asked the guys to ‘make me laugh’.  Yes, please, for the love of God can SOMEONE make us laugh???  Then I remembered who the bunch of guys were and my heart sank.  Good thing the freshly sprouted nuts that I planted last week were ripe for the kicking because after the Roast fiasco, they took a severe beating.

I didn’t have high hopes to begin with.  After hearing Grandpa Phantom (who said that comedy roasting is right up his alley???) give away his material pre-show (you know, there’s one guy here who is sort of dressed like a Backstreet Boy and that’s game right there), I knew it was going to be rough.  And from his first line about sagging boobs, I was right (well played, Comrade). 

I am not going into his mask reveal, because really, what is there to say?  He took his mask off.  Underneath was his face.  And he had a bad case of ‘mask head’, judging from the dent in his hair caused by the strap. 

Did anyone else notice that while the other guys struggled over even one harsh word to roast Ashley with, Bentley was off in his own corner on his twelfth page of notes?  Ding Ding Ding Ding!

Watching William prepare for the roast was like watching a horrible car accident happen from behind a window and no one can hear you screaming’ Look out!  Look out!’  Sad as it is to admit, William did have the most “funny” (and I put that in quotes) lines, except for Ben/Constantin’s (still don’t know who’s who) line about her chest.  William is starting to remind me of the kid on Ritalin (even though we didn’t know what Ritalin was back then) in high school that still wore short shorts and had his socks pulled up too high, even when he was old enough to know it wasn’t cool.

And now we know why William never pursued being a lawyer and ended up a cell phone salesman…watching him backpedal and justify his roast comments was akin to watching an 18 wheeler lose control on the highway and smash into the same group of cars and emergency vehicles that were already in the previously mentioned accident.  “I didn’t really care about hurting you or what anyone thought…I just wanted to make people laugh.  That’s all I’ve ever cared about!!!”   Oh okay then William, I forgive you.

Onto Bentley.  Sigh.  Where to begin?  Like any girl (it’s an unfortunate fault in our wiring, I’m afraid), there’s a part of me that totally digs him even though he is in a nutshell, a douche bag.  Mark my words, he will have a lineup of hot girls just waiting to get screwed over by him when this show is over…maybe not as many as Wes but then again, he doesn’t have his own love song.    

Everything out of Bentley’s mouth is like a priceless unexpected punch line.  It’s pretty clear you’re an asshole dude, but even when you have perceived moments of sensitivity, like the phrase “I hate when people cry”, you follow it up with the unexpected “It’s not attractive”.  Or when you noticed Ashley crying in the corner after the roast and you went over to her, not to comfort her, but because “I’m not going to miss a chance to mess with her head.”

Bentley has truly perfected the art of the mind-f*%k.  His seemingly comforting words, when analyzed by a person of actual intelligence (or sorry, in this case, anyone but Ashley) are actually cruel and demeaning.  He could barely cover up his own laughter when he fed her the line “Let me tell you this…with 25 guys in front of you, at least 24 were excited that it was you.”  And it made her feel better.  And how much effort did it really take for him to muster up, “you have small boobs…but they’re great.”  What a sweetie.  It looked like he was about to fall asleep in the middle of his conversation with her at one point.  Even when she asked him to confirm that there were some feelings between them, he did so without really saying that he liked her.  Feelings can be disgust, disdain, boredom, even nausea…really any number of things, right?

And when she confronted him about Michelle Money’s warnings (by the way I checked and Michelle Money is super-hot psycho Michelle, not serial killer Michelle FYI), he barely needed to defend himself before she snuggled right up into his arms and proclaimed to us that he literally sweeps her off her feet.  Hmmm…you were warned that he would leave three episodes in, he leaves three episodes in and yet you still don’t see the connection.

I really thought Bentley would have the balls to at least be honest with Ashley when he finally did leave instead of playing the daughter card.  As he kindly phrased it, “I have so much in my head, I need to go poop it out.”  Awesome visual.  Thanks for that.   Once at the house, I really did feel bad for her.  Maybe it was the turquoise scrunchie that made her look so vulnerable, or the way she frolicked over the patio stones just prior to his arrival, or maybe I just felt bad because she bawled her eyes out in bed after he left while a cameraman basically stood as close to her as humanly possible.  Can you guys imagine how awkward it is for the crew on this show???  If it’s this awkward for us when it’s edited, I can only imagine how nuts it must be to a) capture these awkward heartbreaking comments that are a complete invasion of  privacy (the guy was practically in bed with her under the covers, he was so close!) and b) knowing that she is being totally dicked around but being unable to do anything about it because of your contract?   

By the end of the scene with Bentley, I did ache for her a bit.  You could actually hear her poor broken little heart beating on the microphone when they hugged – you know right before she wrapped her legs around him and he almost convinced her to make out with him before he left.  Seriously.  That would have set some sort of record.  It’s almost like he had an Aha moment when he was feeling bad (or bored) about how long this goodbye was taking when he realized “I’m not totally smitten with her but she’s the kinda girl I’d hook up with once in a while.”  Wow.  You’re too kind.

And that dot dot dot move he threw in there?  A dot dot dot is better than a period?  Man that guy’s got skills.  It sort of makes me want to be a single guy just so I can use that line.  It’s not enough to break her heart three episodes in and possibly screw up the entire season.  You have to completely mess with her head by offering the glimmer of hope that someday, when this is all over, you’ll find each other and be together.  Shame on you, you sexy little rascal.

My English degree kicked into high gear when I noticed the pathetic phallacy (rain/poor weather signifying emotional pain) that followed for the rest of the episode.  Thought it looks like the sun may shine for Ashley yet…both Solar Stud and JP actually got her to move her neck during their kisses so that’s definitely an improvement.  And how pissed is Bentley going to be when JP’s kissing gets a higher score than his?  Though Bentley at least has an (albeit failed) marriage under his belt so his relationship status trumps JP’s two three month relationships in an eight year span.  

Finally, the rose ceremony.  Ashley’s makeup was offensive.  I understand she probably had three days worth of bags under her eyes to cover up from crying, but still.  I’m not sure why they left Bentley’s picture standing, since it’s clear by Dr. Harrison’s “If he were a real man” tirade that Chris is being pressured by producers to get her over him to save the season.  No wonder he’s going grey.

Saying goodbye to Masky (he just seems more vulnerable now, so I can no longer call him Phantom) was hard for all of us I’m sure and watching him throw that mask into the fire, was officially, the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history, no?  We went from not seeing enough of him, to seeing way too much of him as he took a dump next to Bentley while Bentley obsessed over every piece of his hair.  Really?  Do guys hang out in the same bathroom while one of them is dropping a deuce???  EW.

Can we just skip right to ‘After the Final Rose’ now to see what happens with Bentley?  Or at least ‘The Men Tell All’?  Anything?  Please, oh pretty please????

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