Let me preface this post by saying that my back is in full spasm. FULL lock-down. After sitting at a desk all day working, when I can literally barely walk, the last thing I should be doing, is taking my laptop over to my couch for yet another awkward sitting position to watch this show. But, with nothing but a heating pad, a couple of Robaxicet, a glass of red to wash it all down with and a dream, I settle into experience the show that officially made Mondays not the worst thing in the whole damn world, the one Pad I never want to change –Bachelor Pad.
I think the theme of last night’s episode was a big ‘Huh???’
Between literally not being able to decipher 90% of what our resident Gnomeo AKA the Godfather had to say (honestly which drunk producer decided to punk the audience and made him narrator?) and the general confusion surrounding Gia, I really spent most of the episode with my upper lip curled in confusion, mouth gaping open, too stunned to even take notes.
I don’t understand why they can’t throw us a bone and give Kasey subtitles. The do it on Big Brother because everyone whispers…why can’t they do it here? It would really, really, help me out. Not that anything he has to say is intelligent, logical, or thought-provoking, but still…
As the cast lined up for their morning challenge, and Chris Harrison’s button-down worked its way through an identity crisis (am I plaid? Am I gingham?), a thought occurred to me. These people are basically thirty year old campers. How jealous am I? They sleep in bunk beds, have morning and evening program, there’s cool groups, general swim, hook-ups…what I wouldn’t give to go back to camp…sigh…
Anyways, after the girls are given their mandatory uniform (because god forbid a challenge occurs without a bikini), we’re in for a self-esteem crushing treat. It was pretty sad to see Jake oozing confidence and feeling like he had really made strides towards changing public opinion of him in the house prior to the game, only to watch him get whiplash from the amount of eggs tossed his way. And why were so many of the girls least attracted to Michael? He’s so cute! Is it his vagina? Tell me! When it came to who deserves the money the least, I’m really not sure why Graham got picked. Um…he builds water irrigation systems in third world countries. He basically is an orphan saver. Sure, give the money to someone who wants new boobs or a Harley. Makes sense.
Do we think Ella requested her painfully obvious little white cover up for her bikini or did the producers kindly suggest she wear it? They might as well have given her a cat sweater, it would have been less obvious. Her stretch marks or rolls or whatever she’s hiding under there probably wouldn’t have been as obvious if she hadn’t covered herself up when none of the other girls did, but I’ve birthed two children. I get it. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
At one point, I actually thought whichever camera man was responsible for shooting Gia must have fallen asleep because that’s how long it took the camera to pan up her body every time it was her turn to throw. Thanks for confirming that every single angle of Gia’s body is, in a nutshell, perfect. Assholes.
And then there’s Erica. Shame and double shame. Every so often, I experience a twinge of guilt for enjoying this type of entertainment and making a mockery at someone else’s expense. This, I gotta say, was one of those times. It’s bad enough that she was voted least attractive and dumbest and girl least wanted in the house, but then Chris Harrison has to throw salt in her wounds by kindly announcing that even the eggs that missed their target were originally aimed at her just in case she wasn’t suicidal enough. She’s blindfolded, Chris, did you really need to do that? Throw her a bone. And then as she’s standing there fighting back tears as the ninth egg hits her, the camera has to go to a close-up of her pulsating, battered butt, which looks positively sloppy next to the other girls. Finally, as the ‘challenge’ is declared over and the girls remove their blindfolds, there’s a nice little round of applause and ‘good jobs’ all around. Really, what are you clapping for?
I am still confused by the rules of the challenge. Michael made it seem like he had no choice but to keep hitting Erica…did I miss something? Could he have not chosen another girl, like say, Melissa? I had to bite my tongue a bit when Erica explained that nothing on her body is fake (…um can we clarify that for a sec, are you referring to neck down?) And let me tell you, the last thing I would need if I were in Erica’s transparent, bedazzled, hot mess of a pair of shoes, would be girls like Gia and Michelle rallying around me to comfort me and tell me how beautiful I am. I would take Gia’s duck-lips and wrap them around her face. Either way, the whole challenge seems to have gotten Kasey worked up, as he informed us (at least I think this is what he said) that he needs to go to the boom boom room immediately after. Cue ‘Huh???’
Ok onto date night. Michael makes his picks and informs us that ‘abandoned insane asylums and hospitals are his biggest fears.’ Um, so don’t go to them? It’s not like a spider or a cat that can cross your path at any given moment. They’re pretty easy to avoid. Don’t go. Or alternately…plan a three on one date at one of them. And I’ve heard of a haunted house, but a haunted mouse? Really?
Sort of ironic that Michelle once again, takes on the role of psychologist in the middle of an insane asylum, don’t ya think? Of course, even in an asylum there’s still a hand job blanket in every room to settle into, so Michelle and Michael cozy up for a heart to heart giving him the encouragement he needs to attempt closure with Holly.
I’m not going to lie. I’m not ashamed. Of course, I cried when Michael and Holly had their heart to heart in the pathetic attempt at a romantic setting thrown together by the producers (three house plants and of course, the signature Bachelor undersized area rug). The poor guy’s heart is breaking and it’s just going to get sadder and sadder for him.
From what I understand, Michael proposed, she said yes, six months later she called it off, three days later she begged for him back, three months later he couldn’t handle the insecurity and broke up with her. So was anyone else confused when she said “The timing was off”? It was off for the six month duration of your engagement but then three days later it was all of a sudden…on? Huh??? ‘When I was ready to love you, you weren’t’? Huh??? Call me crazy, Holly, but those sound like pretty pathetic excuses to me. And then just as I think she’s going to basically tell him she still loves him she drops the friend bomb. HUH??? Poor Michael.
So Michael’s date ends and Melissa’s date begins. Did she learn nothing from Gia last season, who promised a rose to what’s-his-name that used to tease Weather Man and then give it to Wes? You don’t promise a rose to someone in advance. Especially to Grandmaster K. And what’s with all the strategizing before you’ve even set sail? It’s so sad how desperately Melissa wants to be a part of an alliance – any alliance….
I wanted to throw myself overboard watching Blake work Melissa as she sported her new boobs that were no doubt a ‘sorry you’re still single’ 30th birthday present from her parents. Every time his hand grazed her bony leg, I felt bile rising up in my mouth. I think Blake lay his cards on the table pretty clearly when he said ‘There’s no way that I’d want to be a part of that but for 250K I’ll play it out.’
And as Melissa told us that this is what it must feel like to be The Bachelorette…well…enjoy it now sister cuz this is the closes you’ll ever get. Can you imagine???
When Blake the man-whore took Melissa to the bedroom and told her he wanted to give her a chance to think about something, you could actually see the desperation in her kiss as her tongue exited her mouth. It was honestly disgusting. Kissing her to pacify her? Hilarious.
Back at the house, it was just one Huh??? after another. For starters, what was that torturous purple room Jake seems to have locked himself in to wallow in his exclusion from the group? Is that where contestants go to die? Between the wall stencils (I believe they’re titled aubergine nightmare in a wallpaper catalogue from hell somewhere) and the iron gate accent wall, not to mention the black and gold tasseled bedding and what looked like a massive piece of foam in lieu of a mattress judging from what I saw because half the sheet was off the bed, I didn’t know where to look.
Then of course you’ve got Gia, notebook in hand, who for some reason always thinks she’s the number one target, ready with another strategy that she probably won’t follow through on. Gia, I think, is officially the biggest Huh??? of the night. I just don’t get her train of thought. First of all, hello…this is Bachelor Pad!!! You are not on a show with a bunch of nuns here! Morals and real breasts are checked at the door. Don’t act so surprised that people are here to lie, cheat, and steal and do whatever they need to get the money. And writing everyone’s names out in a list on a piece of paper doesn’t exactly count as a ‘strategy’. And for the love of god, can you please stop trusting every random homeless person that comes in off the street not to leak your plans??? When will you learn???
Still, the most entertaining part of the episode had to be the train wreck of Melissa, slowly pulling into the station as she clings to the hope of a serendipitous relationship with Blake. Not sure why the Psycho shower scene music wasn’t dubbed over as Hurricane Melissa went on a man hunt for the man whore while he snuggled up with Holly. As Melissa gets into bed with them for the most awkward moment ever before she starts furiously whispering that he is embarrassing her and that she is here to prove that she’s a fun awesome person, it’s pretty clear that Blake did have at least one intelligent thing to say – it’s not hard to see why Melissa’s single. Good luck Blake. What’s that saying? You shit the bed, you lie in it? Something like that… 
You could tell by the cocktail party that Melissa was just spent. She didn’t even bother trying to cover the bags under her eyes with a stitch of makeup..
And speaking of the cocktail party, I’m sorry but how did Gnomeo gain all this power??? Seriously, it’s time to overthrow the government, people!!! How dare he interrogate Jake – Why do you deserve to be here??? Why does anyone deserve to be there? What constitutes a worthy candidate for Bachelor Pad??? What sort of character requirements are there? I don’t know how much more I can take of Kasey – at this point, him and his pulsating tattoo (my mouth literally hung open in disbelief at this point), and his catch phrases are getting to be just about too much for me – kicking rocks??? What does that even mean??? HHHHUUUUUHHHH?????
By the time Chris Harrison finished his speech about two girls going home, all hell had pretty much broken loose. The girls were pretty shaken up – Erica was sniffing her hair in a corner and Vienna was visibly shaking – as Chris informed them of how the night would play out. Good on Chris Harrison for giving it right back to Vienna as she pretended that she had been forced to do a public break-up on national TV with Jake and offering her the door.
I still honestly don’t understand what happened with Gia. Crying about Kasey guarding and protecting? Seriously you’re quoting him? Upset that people are scheming and strategizing? Um, hello, is that a notepad I see in your hand? Exhibit A much? Good on Gia for leaving the show before the dream team got a chance to out her…I can practically still hear her birthing a baby goat in the back of that van as she left bawling. Seriously that girl is just unstable. Which actually leads me to think she should be the next Bachelorette. Let’s just give her a final kick at the can. See how she does with a new group of guys that she can be in control of. Can you imagine the crying? Thoughts?
So now that Gia has departed, we have to choose between Jackie and Ella. Between Jackie’s school marm dress and Ella’s extensions that I could actually see knotted at her scalp, not to mention her barbed wire theme dress (an homage to Daddy from your first visit to prison?), pickings were slim. Bet Blake was wishing he could take back the last 48 hours or so, as Melissa continues to lose her shit all over the place. “I’ve been winning for us”? Huh??? You only won one competition and it was before there was ever an ‘us’ with you and Blake…not that there even really is. Clearly Melissa has low standards when it comes to relationships, which was demonstrated by her desire to find her ‘Vienna and Kasey’ with someone. Really? Gnomeo and Juliet’s whore of a sister? That’s your relationship inspiration?
As the girls went to accept their roses, I realized what a humorously decrepit group of girls they are. Erica was walking like a 90 year old woman (not sure if it was her boobs or her tiara that were weighing her down) and Michelle’s outfit was just confusing.
As Jackie got the boot, and of course, Ames just stood there with a frozen smile in shock (seriously I really think there is something wrong with him), I was thinking don’t worry Ames, you’ll meet Jackie again soon in New York and she’ll fix you a nice bowl of lukshen. It’ll be fine.
Then before we know it, the camera reveals that Ames is not Ames, he’s Super Amesy-poo to the rescue with his fuschia powerpants ready to run after the departing limo to a chorus of jealous crying from the girls left behind. Since we all know that Ames is pretty independently wealthy, I’m not surprised he gave up the 250K for love with Jackie. I have a good feeling about this one for some reason. The only question remaining now is ‘will he convert’? It’s an important question ya might wanna discuss before you put a ring on it. Apparently that’s the latest saga to hit JP and Ashley. Ashley doesn’t want to hop on the Jew train and his parents aren’t happy. Gee. Didn’t see that one comin’.
