The O’Really Report – Gouging the Goldfish (The Undertaker, WrestleMania, Sin Cara, Mark Henry, and more)

Welcome to the O’Really Report!  I am your every fateful host and this week I am joined by none other than the Goldfish himself… Mike Gojira!

CB is so much better at this than you.

CB who?

I kid, I kid. But how have you been Goji since our last debacle?

Well, the only debacle here is your grievous destruction of the English language.  It’s “faithful host,” not “fateful.”
Unless it’s your fate to do these horrible duet columns.
Does anybody even read this tripe?

And I think the only horrible part of my fate is you Gojira, but yes there are a few who read.

As opposed to the hundreds who scope out the site daily.

But anyways let’s get started with actual wrestling talk shall we?

I thought we were.

Well I don’t consider attacking each other and talking about how great Inside Pulse is is really wrestling talk.  Anyways we’ll start off with Sin Cara.  How do you feel about the ‘imposter’ angle?

Speaking of Sin Cara, we should call you Sin Humor.
I feel the angle is, how you say, “no buys.”

Someone’s been working on their Spanish. And I must agree with you.  Hard to sell an angle when only one speaks and they have a very similar in-ring style.

As our buddy James Alsop has recently stated in his latest column (link to it here), I think the goal is to have one out-perform the other in an attempt to get a legitimate push.  This isn’t a simple kayfabe deal; these guys are literally fighting for their jobs.

And Mistico is just fighting to not get caught for steroids again.

You’ve got Hunico, who is labeled as a heel even though he picked up the ball when the original dropped it, and a guy who has been given a second chance on a very short leash.

I have to say I prefer Hunico, but I wouldn’t mind seeing both men keep the job as long as this storyline is abruptly ended.  I understand the dilemna in how much can Mistico be trusted at this point, but the match Sunday was sloppy and the crowd just wasn’t that into it.

The crowd couldn’t give two shits.  I love how on Smackdown the week before, the company allowed Hunico to give some insight in a backstage promo and the commentators barely acknowledged it.
Apparently Mistico stole the gimmick from him.

So the angry vicious Sin Cara claims that the calm and cool Sin Cara stole the gimmick despite Sin Cara not turning violent until after the change? That makes sense.

This IS the WWE, you know.
They had a wrestling hockey player who, correct me if I’m wrong, wrestled in his skates.
The fucking Cobra ends matches.
Mabel was King of the Ring.

Well yeah but it could be worse… they could have a dumpster guy… well… they could have a guy who cross-dresses… well…

You know what we never saw?  A guy who acted like a vampire but it was never explicitly stated that he was one!
Wait…we had that TWICE.

Wait Kevin Thorn or Gangrel?

Exactly.
Don’t forget Miss Shelly Martinez, what with the hanging upside down and the boobs.

How could you forget her?
Well it could be worse… we could have a guy who rubs an action figure on his ‘package’.
Speaking of TNAwesome, they finally did something right for once! They disposed of Vince Russo!

Not exactly.
He’s no longer Head Asshole.

Well… they knocked him down a peg anyways.

I guess.  Maybe now he’ll only be X Division Champion.

I’d be interested to see a conversation between Kendrick and him.

A meeting of the mind.
That wasn’t a typo.

So when has .1 +.1 = 1?  I think you’re being far too lenient.
But moving along, here’s another subject that’s been overlooked here in recent weeks. How do you feel about Zack Ryder getting another teaser push?

I’m enjoying his time as the new Santino.  He’ll never get any farther than a midcard title push with this gimmick, but some guys are just meant for adequateness.
It’s better than what’s happening to my boy McIntyre.
If anyone should complain about a conspiracy, it’s him.

I’m sorry who’d you say? Was that Jobber#4?

Oh, you were trying to be facetious.  How cute.

I can’t ever see Zack Ryder being a potential world title threat or headlining any WrestleManias, but he very well could be, as you said, the next Santino as in popularity with the crowd.

That could have been Colt Cabana’s spot.
Hey, what about a return of the JOB Squad?
Al Snow, Zack Ryder, Colt Cabana, Blue Meanie, and Santino!

and John Morrison!

That was the first funny remark you’ve made this whole evening.

Whatcha talking bout Willis? This publishes at noon! Don’t break kayfabe!

Haven’t you heard?  Kayfabe is an illusion.
The WWE has seen to that.
It’s like the Matrix.
Or at least Wednesday’s South Park, which was awesome.

So we’re all sitting in chairs with gigantic plugs in the back of our brains?
Or do we dodge bullets?

If you’re a member of the WWE Universe, the plug is somewhere else….

Hey no mentioning the ‘infamous’ JR ‘head-up-his-ass’ segment.

That screamed “classy.”

Almost as much as Katie Vick.

Corpse-tacular.

Speaking of The Undertaker, who do you think will face the Deadman in his infamous 20-0 attempt?

Blair A. Douglas.

Funny I don’t think that would be a good idea…

Why not?   He’d have Swayze in his corner, yelling at the marks in the audience.

It’d be the ultimate heel move, but… I just can’t see Blair putting anyone over.
Except… y’know… the STD bot.
Or would Blair be the killjoy who ruins the streak? Breaks kayfabe/the matrix and tells everyone that wrestling is fake and that he hates the majority of the product.

Shhh!  He’ll hear you!

Wait… he’s not from Miami is he?

Parts Unknown, I think.

Hmm… I was thinking The Bottomless Pit or Dudleyville, but I guess Parts Unknown is understandable.

Hi Blair!  We’re looking forward to Interinactivity!

We love it! Can’t wait for it to re-debut!
Anyways before we dig an even bigger hole… how do you feel about our Sexual Chocolate Champion?

I thought everyone knew how I felt by now.  I mean, it’s in my latest column and practically every comment section…

I knew you were fully behind him, but would you like to explain how your fascination with him?

He’s being booked like a mountain of muscle should be booked….dominant.
Logically, if this were a real sport, Henry would be nearly unbeatable.
And yet, for 15 years he was treated as a joke.

Technically, if this were a real sport, he would’ve gotten a Khali-like push to the top and then he wouldn’t be losing to Sheamus anytime soon.
Henry had some minor pushes along the way, but often they just turned to babyface Kool-Aid Man Mark Henry.

I’ll say it again for those who are hard of hearing or like to make arguments based on misinformation.
I don’t think he’s a great wrestler.
I don’t think he’s got much charisma.
But he’s big, intimidating, and booked to destroy the competition.
Like it or not, he’s a fresh change from BatOrton and SuperCena.

I agree he isn’t a CM Punk by any means, but, even for a giant, his matches have been better than Big Show/Kane/Khali’s have been in the last year.

I still don’t understand how, just because Khali is from India, he is a huge draw there.
Are you saying that Indians don’t like talent?
Why not get a guy who actually can wrestle and make that country proud?

Like Jinder Mahal? HA! He’s a huge draw there because there haven’t been any other stars headline PPVs in WWE from India. Sure he may not be an adequate wrestler, but he represents their country and he’s the only one who does so.

Did you not hear what I said?  THEY SHOULD GET SOMEONE WITH TALENT FROM INDIA!

So send WWE recruitments camps over to India is what you’re saying?

Anyone ever tell you you’re perceptive?

No.

Can’t imagine why.

Why wouldn’t they?

Never mind.

Moving right on along… let’s talk about the WWE’s latest ‘blunder’.  Daniel Bryan, Mr. Money In The Bank.  With all the talk of Sheamus versus Mark Henry at WrestleMania, where does that leave the little technician that could?

As the third wheel in that match, the plucky “little engine that could.”
I don’t see Henry holding the gold for that long.  You know how restless the Universe gets these days.

I could possibly see him holding it until TLC or Royal Rumble.  Perhaps he could drop it to Sheamus at Survivor Series if he isn’t in that Elimination Tag match.

I think Punk will win the Rumble.

You know, challenge for the WWE Title.

Against who?
Del Rio?

Yeah, I could see del Rio as Corporate Champ Material.

So Punk takes over the good fight against the Corporation while Cena goes off to battle Rocky. Taker fights Blair.  Henry/Sheamus/Bryan.
Am I missing anything?

Orton.

Eh.. that’s why I like him on SmackDown… I could forget about him there.

Could they be building to a Legend Killer match vs Taker?
Actually, that’s the only viable option for 20-0 that I foresee.

They did that once before… but I think it’d be better if they focused on him being psychotic and Apex Predator..-ish?

It’s different now.  He’s hugely over, and the Number 2 behind Cena.
It’s the next best thing to Cena/Taker, by far.

I agree and it really sucked that we won’t be getting Cena/Taker this year as that was the best available match for Taker.

Perhaps a few years down the road when he comes out of undead retirement.
It won’t be a Mania match…maybe SummerSlam.

Can you imagine Mania next year without Taker? It just won’t have that extra moment there… will someone else have a streak?

Probably you if you don’t change your Depends regularly.

Me? I don’t think I’m the eldest here.

Age ain’t nuthin’ but a number.

A number closer to Depends than mine.

Sigh.

Anyways we’ll move on to our last question, Hell in a Cell. What was the Match of the Night?

I actually liked Christian vs Sheamus.  I think they had a solid opening bout.

Liked it better than Del Rio/Cena/Punk?

I guess it’s because I expected a BS run-in so the ending of the Triple Threat didn’t matter.  I was happy to see del Rio win the belt back, but I still can’t fathom any reason why he lost it in the first place.

Eh it’s WWE, we like to shuffle the world title around and make it worth literally nothing.
Well that’s about it for this week folks, thanks for tuning in and thank you Mike Gojira for stopping by to say hello. Any final words?

Anal bleeding.

Wonderful way to end this.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

 And quite frankly my dear… that’s a wrap.