The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 12.05.11

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 12.05.11

Live from Tampa, FL.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler.

John Cena is out first, still talking about the fans and his relationship with them.  Once again, he insists that he’s totally fine with people booing him out of the building because it’s their right as ticketholders.  But for now, CM Punk needs a #1 contender, and it should be him.  This of course brings out Alberto Del Rio, who also wants to be #1 contender.  Since Punk cheated to win last week, you see.  Next, we get Vickie and Dolph Ziggler, and John Cena totally buries him by bringing up his cheerleader past and how Michael Cole was driving the “showoff” gimmick into the ground last week.  Finally, Miz also wants to be champion, but he barely gets a chance to complain before Executive VP of GM Johnny Ace comes out to settle things:  Everyone wrestles a Smackdown wrestler tonight, and the winners advance to the title match at TLC.  And first up, it’s Miz v. Orton.  This was a pretty insipid opening segment that felt like they had no idea where they were going and just decided to throw a bunch of guys in the main event.

The Miz v. Randy Orton

Orton dodges a charge and beats Miz down, then gets a suplex, but Miz boots him down.  He works the back with knees, and gets two.  Back to Twitter talk again after they were giving a bit of a rest last week.  Miz with a neckbreaker for two and he goes to the chinlock, but Orton escapes with a backdrop suplex.  Orton with the suplexes and powerslam, but Miz backdrops him to the floor to block the draping DDT.  They brawl out there, but Wade Barrett interrupts, and Miz beats the count back in at 4:22.  What a fucking lame finish.  *1/2

The WWE Network:  Coming in 2012.  Reality shows!  Old WWE shows!  Former B-Show PPVs!  I’m guessing that’s it for Classics On Demand then.

Meanwhile, Johnny Ace still doesn’t think Zack Ryder qualifies for a US title match, so he gives him a chance to prove himself by booking him against John Cena as Cena’s qualifier.  That’s kind of interesting, actually, and that’s actually the kind of match that they could have put on PPV and had fans care about the outcome.

Meanwhile, David Bowtunga informs Kevin Nash that he’s facing HHH in a ladder match at the PPV, with a sledgehammer the prize.  Wait, is it too early to vote for Worst Match of 2012 already?  I am wanting to see this PPV less and less with every segment.

Alberto Del Rio v. Daniel Bryan

ADR stomps the ribs right away and whips him into the corner, but Bryan backflips over him and puts him down with a clothesline.  Del Rio goes to the ribs again, but Bryan spins into a guillotine choke.  Del Rio goes to the ribs again to break and finishes with the armbar at 1:44 to get the title match.  **

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres v. Natalya & Beth Phoenix

The heels have changed their name AGAIN, and now they’re “Pin Up Strong”.  Sadly, their promo video is interrupted by the “Jan 2 2012” viral video.  Do we seriously have to watch this same shitty tag match AGAIN?  I mean, they have other women under contract, don’t they?  The heels double-team Kelly, but she gets a fluke pin on Beth at 1:11.  This is apparently a huge upset, even though these teams trade wins every week.  DUD

Johnny Ace’s Social Experiment:  John Cena v. Zack Ryder

Cena controls with a headlock while Jerry Lawler explains the concept of “getting the rub” for the first time I’ve ever heard on TV.  Ryder gets his own headlock and Cena hiptosses him for two and goes to a chinlock.  Ryder flapjacks him to escape and gets two, then goes back to a headlock again.  Edge-O-Matic gets two.  The crowd actually starts duelling chants for Ryder and Cena, the first time in a while where it hasn’t just been one half cheering Cena and one half booing Cena.  Ryder keeps working at the headlock, but Cena puts him down, so Ryder gets a missile dropkick for two.  Back up again, but Cena puts him in FU position, and Ryder turns it into a tornado DDT for two.  Rough Rider misses and Cena comes back with his shoulderblocks and five knuckle shuffle.  Ryder blocks the FU again and hits the Broski Boot, but Cena reverses the Rough Rider into the FU to finish at 6:44.  Why are they beating Ryder so much?  Interesting match, but it got no time to develop.  **1/2  Ryder flips out on Cena for costing him his one shot at the US title, but Cena tells him that he’s got a plan.

Next week:  The Slammys!  Another three-hour show?  No buys.

Meanwhile, John Cena complains to our interim GM, so Ace agrees to give Ryder one more shot tonight, in exchange for Cena giving up his title match at the PPV.  So Cena agrees to sacrifice his millionth meaningless title shot so Ryder can get his shot.  Now see, had they just stopped here and given Ryder his title shot in exchange for Cena giving up his, this would have been OK.  Cena looks like a good guy, Ryder gets his title shot, everyone’s reasonably happy.

Kane will apparently be resurrected soon.

Zack Ryder v. Mark Henry

This is no-DQ, no-countout in order to ensure a winner and screw over Ryder.    This is pretty evil psychology to really turn Ryder into the giantest sympathetic babyface ever.  So Henry pounds the shit out of Ryder as you’d expect, but Ryder makes the valiant comeback and gets slugged down again.  Ryder finally goes to the injured ankle to take him down, and follows with the Broski Boot, but can’t do anything further.  This brings out John Cena, who hits Henry with an FU and put Ryder on top for the pin at 2:16.  Too short to be worth anything, a recurring theme tonight.  ½*  And really, how does this make fans get behind Zack Ryder?  He loses all his major matches and can only win one when John Cena beats his opponent for him.  And really, if Cena was so concerned about Ryder getting his one shot, why didn’t he just lay down for him in the first place?  He can always win the Royal Rumble, or the Elimination Chamber, or Money In The Bank, or any of the other zillion ways people get title shots for major shows.

Meanwhile, Ziggler finds out that Sheamus is his opponent tonight, and tells Swagger to stay away so he doesn’t screw anything up.  They’re just kidding around, but maybe not really.  So I guess it’s back to splitting them up again.

Kevin Nash v. Santino

Nash is at least looking more in shape than he’s been in recent years.  Sideslam gets two right away, and he finishes quickly with the big boot and Poochiebomb at 1:00.  DUD

Dolph Ziggler v. Sheamus

Ziggler gets the dropkick for two and slaps him around in the corner, so Sheamus gets pissed and slugs him down.  Sheamus with the forearms on the apron and a suplex for two.  Ziggler gets a neckbreaker for two and stomps him down on the ropes, setting up the fameasser for two.  Dolph goes with a cobra sleeper, but Sheamus tosses him off and makes the comeback.  Dolph escapes the Celtic Cross, but now Zack Ryder interrupts, distracting Ziggler long enough for the Brogue Kick at 5:00.  This was fine with yet another stupid finish.  **  So instead of Punk v. Del Rio, it’s now the incredibly fresh matchup of Punk v. Del Rio V. MIZ!!!!!!  Demon Girl is gonna be stoked.

Main event contract signing:  CM Punk bemoans the cliché nature of contract signings, and notes that there hasn’t been a peaceful signing since Wrestlemania III.  Miz brags about taking out Morrison and Truth (Punk:  “Taking them out like on a date?”) and Del Rio talks about his destiny again, but Punk attacks them both after the contract is signed and puts them through the table.  Oh, the irony after Punk complained about the cliché of contract signing angles.  Oh, and it’s a TLC match for the title, because they’re at the TLC PPV, of course.

Well, the string of good shows kind of ended with a thud here, with stupid finishes up and down the show and matches too short to make anyone care about this stupid PPV coming up in two weeks.  But hey, WWE Network launches in 2012, that’ll make everything all right and help them remember how to run a wrestling company, right?

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