Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 1.20.12 (Lumberjack Match: Bryan vs Henry)

The show opens with a recap of Big Show’s hit-and-run on my girl AJ. Daniel Bryan calls him a bastard, which brings up old memories of the Big Bossman and Wight cries for the deceased.

Daniel Bryan heads to the ring as the fans boo him, but it seems like half-hearted booing; my guess is it’s because the audience knows how good he is and wants to cheer him, but are just playing along. Bryan says that the title “Sin City Smackdown” is apropos because Big Show committed a sin last week. He says that Wight meant to run over AJ (whereas I want to run INTO her…HIYO!) and is a “bitter, selfish freak.” AJ has apparently suffered head trauma and a cervical sprain (none of which was caused by me, I swear!) and her career might be over. AJ says she loves him and he has “great admiration” for her. Awwwww. Uncomfortable moment. He actually calls Big Show an “acromegalic swine” and warns Show to do the right thing “before I unleash my fury on you” and just quit. The three announcers actually are in agreement that DB is a douchebag champion.

Aksana and Teddy Long are backstage and she’s wearing a headdress. They discuss the roulette wheel behind them as Aksana suggests she and Teddy have a pillow fight match. Cody Rhodes interrupts and says he’s the last hope for the Rhodes family before he spins the wheel (make the deal). He lands on Player’s Choice, which allows him to pick any opponent for his match. He points beyond the camera and says, “I pick HIM.” The camera pans to the left and we see Ezekiel Jackson, who smiles. Cody says, “No. I said HIM,” and points beyond Zeke. We can see Santino and others playing cards. As the camera zooms in on Santino, he points down and to his left…and it’s Hornswoggle. Sigh.

I’m not expecting much from this one. Maybe Justin Gabriel will make the save to set up a feud with Rhodes over the Intercontinental Championship.

Cody Rhodes vs Hornswoggle
Cody attacks Hornswoggle as he heads to the ring and this brings out…Justin Gabriel. I am the fucking man! Gabriel tells him to pick on someone his own size and Rhodes agrees to the match…but makes sure it’s non-title.

Cody Rhodes vs Justin Gabriel

Well, I’ll be! a better match than the one we were promised. Hoorah! Cody starts with an angry barrage (minus the Barrett) but Gabriel fights back with forearms into the corner. Rhodes hits a Goldust uppercut and drop kick and traps Gabriel in a sleeper. The crowd gets behind Gabriel but it’s not enough as Cody continues to pound away at him. A second sleeper is stopped but Rhodes tries to maintain control with a body slam. Gabriel slips out of his grasp and drops Rhodes with an inverted DDT. It almost looked like he was gonna hit CrossRhodes, which would have been a lot cooler. Gabe heads up top but Cody slithers away so Justin charges after him into the corner. Crucifix pin gets a two count and a cross body leap frog over the top rope also gets a two. Rhodes recovers and hits a CrossRhodes for a clean win.

Teddy Long is backstage with Mark Henry, who blames Teddy for what happened to AJ. Mark tells Teddy to spin the damn wheel and it lands on a Lumberjack Match.

That Rhodes/Gabriel match was fun, but I don’t see the harm in letting Gabriel get the victory.

Tag Team Tornado Match: Epico and Primo w/ Rosa Mendes vs The Usos
We recap Epico and Primo’s WWE Tag Team Championship victory last Sunday due to Evan Bourne’s incompetence as Rosa shakes her ass to the ring and…I forgot what I was going to say. Anywho, apparently Rosa spun the wheel earlier in the night, but once the camera cuts to Booker T it’s obvious that the whole reason for this type of match is to promote the new Forceflex Tornado Takedown Ring that all the cool kids want to have. Ah, blatant product placement. The Usos get a decent reaction but it’s obviously not going to get them anywhere tonight. With no tags necessary, this match threatens to be a clusterfuck. The Usos double team Primo, I think. This is probably the first time I’ve ever had trouble telling TWO tag teams apart in one match. This is your basic “two-on-one turns into two-on-two” formula. One of the Usos tries to pin Epico as Rosa screams at the other Uso outside the ring. Primo stops the pin attempt and nails the Backstabber to end it.

So apparently this Tornado Takedown Ring involves a spinning wheel in the center of the ring and a button on the outside that spins the wheel. I’m not sure why you’d want to attempt to have your action figures fly out of the ring so haphazardly, but I’m not a 10-year-old any more. I remember using my imagination with a simple ring when I was a kid.

Royal Rumble Recap: 2011. The year Santino almost won. In hindsight, maybe that was the better option.

Teddy and Aksana make not-so-vague sexual innuendos until Sheamus shows up. Aksana spins the wheel and it’s a Tables Match with Wade Barrett.

Dance Off: Brodus Clay vs Vickie Guerrero
“Shucky ducky quack quack,” says Booker T. Lillian Garcia announces Clay as “the only living, breathing Funkasaurus in captivity.” Dear God. Oh, and we head to commercial again.

I’m still speechless about Brodus Clay’s transformation.

Oh God no. Not Vickie! She says, and I quote, “I wiggle when I walk and I jiggle when I groove, and I can make it SIZZLE when I move…and THAT is fo’ shizzle!” She dances like Elaine on Seinfeld and Brodus sends in his Funkettes for the save. Everything about Clay jiggles when it’s his turn and even when he STOPS dancing, his thighs continue to shake. Ugh. The crowd chooses Clay as the winner. Vickie protests and William Regal heads to the ring, asking the crowd not to mock “this buxom wench.” Clay calls Regal a funky chicken and makes crow noises. I guess he’s no ornithologist. Regal decides to take up the challenge and actually does pretty well. Clay nails his cross body finisher on Regal and I have to insist that everyone call it by it’s real name, the “Aw, Funk It.”

Got it? Not “Aw Funky.” Listen closely.

Clay says “My bad; somebody better call his mama,” as he leaves Regal unconscious.

That was actually a really funny segment. Check it out on Youtube if you can.

Tables Match: Wade Barrett vs Sheamus
Two of Blair Douglas’s favorite wrestlers in a Tables Match? Sign me up! Wade is in control from the start but Sheamus quickly overpowers him and drops Barrett to one knee. Barrett regains control but Sheamus tosses Wade over the top rope. Barrett recovers and rams Sheamus back-first into the apron. Barrett grabs a table but Sheamus slams his face into the announce table instead. Sheamus tries to powerslam Wade through the table but Barrett slips out and rams him into the turnbuckle post. Sheamus winds up on the apron in front of the table and Barrett hits a nasty boot that nearly sends Sheamus into the table, but he hangs onto the ropes. Wade attempts a suplex to the outside but the Great White manages to escape and hit his clubbing blows. Sheamus looks to send Barrett off the apron and into the table, but Barrett manages to leap over the wood and land face-first on the announce table! That was a cool spot. Sheamus sends Wade back in and tries to bring a table into the ring but a baseball slide sends the weapon back into his face! Back into the ring, Barrett sets up the table and aims to Alabama Slam the Great White through the table! Sheamus slips free and nails a couple of double axehandles followed by a big body slam. Sheamus puts Wade on the table and climbs to the top! Barrett stops him and they duel on the top rope! Sheamus leaps over the table and Barrett overturns it to give chase, running right into an Irish Curse backbreaker! Sheamus props the table up in the corner and looks to take out Wade with the Celtic Cross through the table! Here comes Jinder Mahal for the distraction, which allows Barrett enough time to recover and throw Sheamus through the table! After the match, Mahal sets up another table in the opposite corner and it looks like he’s going to be fed to Sheamus. Sure enough, he eats a Brogue Kick and a charging Spear through the table!

That was a pretty good Tables Match. Who says these two can’t work the crowd?

Flag Match: Ted DiBiase vs Hunico
The prep crew comes out to set up the flags for the “object on a pole” match. When the bell rings, Hunico attacks Ted from behind but DiBiase sends him off the ropes and hits a headscissors facebuster. Ted climbs the corner for his flag but Hunico drops him and goes for his own flag. DiBiase stops that with an Electric Chair Drop! Teddy charges after Hunico but gets back body dropped to the outside! Hunico climbs his pole (teehee) but DiBiase shoves him off and onto Camacho! Ted climbs his own pole (double teehee) slowly but Hunico stops him. Ted responds with Dream Street and climbs again, winning the Flag Match.

Meh; it was what it was. This has actually been a decent show so far. I probably just jinxed it, too.

Backstage, Teddy Long publicly fires Drew Mcintyre. Nooooo! Santino comes to Drew’s rescue as he asks Teddy to reconsider. He says that a lot of people believe his victory over “Drew McIntosh” two weeks ago was a fluke and he wants to prove them wrong. “Give Drew the opportunity to DOUBLE DOWN so I can show him the SNAKE EYES and give him the CRAPS.” Ah, Vegas humor. The wheel is spun and we get…a Blindfold Match.

So I checked out the history of that new SyFy show, Lost Girl. Apparently it’s a Canadian show that’s been on for two seasons. Thanks to reader “Victor” for the head’s up!

Blindfold Match: Drew McIntyre vs Santino Marella

Drew gets the “before commercial break” jobber entrance. Santino actually blindfolds the Cobra and I can’t resist making a condom joke here. Santino uses crowd reaction to gauge where Drew is and preps the Cobra for an attack when they point him in the right direction. Santino attacks the ring ropes, but the sound he makes gives him away and Drew charges at him, sending both men spilling to the outside. Drew backs into the turnbuckle and clotheslines it, thinking it was Santino. C’mon, Marella definitely has more personality than a steel post. They get back into the ring as Drew favors his arm. The ref tends to Santino, which allows Drew to cheat. He charges at Santino but Marella drops to the mat to look for his Cobra’s blindfold, which means Drew’s big boot attempt crotches him in the ring ropes and he falls to the outside! Drew climbs back in, Santino uses the crowd again, and this time nails the Cobra, ending Drew McIntyre’s WWE career!

I just saw a commercial for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle monster truck; I shit you not.

“The Viper” Randy Orton returns to Smackdown next week! So much for that Royal Rumble surprise appearance speculation.

World Heavyweight Championship Lumberjack Match: Daniel Bryan vs Mark Henry
Let’s be honest; this is a Lumberjack Match because Henry still can’t work through his injury. Hell, we know he can’t really “work” anyway. The crowd boos both men heavily, so it should be interesting to see how they react to the match itself. Henry blocks a kick and shoves Bryan to the mat. He tries to chop Henry but gets a head butt instead. DB provokes the lumberjacks by telling them not to touch him. Henry uses the ropes for leverage and steps on DB. Bryan gets knocked to the outside so Wade Barrett throws him back in with such power that it sends us to a commercial break.

I think DB’s heel turn would work out better if Michael Cole decided to stick up for him, because people generally boo anyone Cole supports.

Not much has changed as we return from break to see Henry manhandle the champ. DB actually manages to get in some offense as he aggressively assaults Mark in the corner, taking the big man off his feet finally. He covers but Henry powers him out of the pin…and right out of the ring! DB gets back in the ring as he eyes the lumberjacks but doesn’t see Henry waiting. Henry Gorilla Press Slams DB to the outside and takes out a row of lumberjacks! He stupidly brawls with them and then gets back in the ring, managing to knock Henry off the apron. Most of the lumberjacks hold him down as Rhodes, DiBiase, Jackson, and Barrett get into the ring and stomp away at DB. Henry shoves all the lumberjacks off of him in a comedic and truly unrealistic fashion and then tosses the lumberjacks in the ring aside. Henry tries for the World’s Strongest Slam but all of the lumberjacks get into the ring and attack Henry and each other! Bryan escapes and crawls away with the title. That’s the first time I can recall seeing a lumberjack match turn into a promo for the Royal Rumble.

Teddy chastises Daniel Bryan backstage and tells him that, at the Royal Rumble, he will defend the title against both Mark Henry and the Big Show in a Steel Cage!

This was a decent Smackdown, with the exception of the blindfold debacle and the third week of a main event non-finish in a row. Would it kill the WWE to at least TRY to make Bryan look legit?

Check out my favorite Pulse Diva, Kelly Floyd, and her assortment of thoughts on the show. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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