The Bachelor 2012 – Episode 5 Review – “Courtney, Courtney, Courtney”

Warning:  This blog may suck balls. Honestly, I have nothing. 

I think it’s fair to say at this point, five episodes in, that Ben might just be the worst bachelor in bachelor history.  I sat there last night in a panic, wondering what the hell I’m gonna write about this morning and here I sit in my silent office at the crack of dawn.  Usually, when the episode sucks, and I think I have nothing to say I end up writing even more (if that’s possible – overcompensation much?) but today, I really don’t know.  Slim pickin’s peeps.  Slim pickin’s indeed.

Starting out in Puerto Rico, I couldn’t help but think of West Side Story and I sort of had that music playing in my mind as the plane landed.   I prayed for the girls (and more specifically for Kasey B’s hair as their boat brought them into their resort) that the overcast weather would clear because there is nothing worse than crappy weather on a vacation.  NOTHING.  That shit boils my blood.

So the girls arrive at the house – and for some reason need to squeal over a ceramic fish and coffee table made of red hangers.  Of course Emily is already yammering on about Courtney (did anyone notice Courtney’s shirt said ‘be nice’?) and wiggling her nose furiously.  Does she have allergies or something??? 

I really like Lindzi, but I really don’t like her misuse of bronzer and the sheer poundage of her foundation.  I get that you have acne, but at a certain point you just have to figure out how to rock it despite things like that.  Look at Blakely and her horse teeth, or Kasey’s mop and excessive use of the same less-cute-every-day sweater, or even Courtney…her forehead is practically Braille, not to mention the permanent spotlight on it every day, but, she makes it work.  Be true to yourself, girl.

So Nicki gets the one-on-one date, which I was happy about.  She seems like a good match for Ben and as I hoped, she has toned it down a bit since episode one and hasn’t even been that annoying.  Plus, now that she’s been chosen for a date, she can actually wash her hair.  I’m not sure if she was doing the whole ‘can’t wash my lucky socks till after the playoffs’ type of thing, but it was getting pretty gross.   Clearly though, something had to give, because this meant she didn’t have time to touch up her nails as we saw on their helicopter ride when they showed a close-up of them holding hands and revealed her polish chips and gnawed cuticles.  Ideally she would have taken that hideous colour off altogether but oh well. 

Their day started out like Ben – normal and boring.  I’m not quite sure what prompted Ben to remove his flip flops to run in the rain.  I mean I get removing the heels for safety purposes, but dude, you’re wearing flats.  It’s just weird.  Of course, they’re soaked so Ben comes up with the brilliant idea of buying new outfits and rocks the all-white look – just tell us now – is this the only shopping spree date there’s going to be???

While the white outfit did bring out Ben’s tan, it also really showcased his desperate need for a haircut.  I’m not sure what look he’s going for, but I’m thinking it’s somewhere between the third and fourth figure on the evolution of man diagram.  I don’t really think Nicki seized the opportunity to pick something over the top.  Instead she just managed to pick the ugliest, most unflattering dress she could find.  Way to go.  By far, the best dressed one on the date was the bride they were stalking, despite the wardrobe malfunction that seemed to have her trapped on the staircase, unable to move.  And of course, Ben had to impress Nicki by pointing out the ceremony music Pachelbel’s Canon (I swear that’s how you spell it- I googled!).  Nice one, Ben.  I would have been impressed too…except that I learned to play that song on the recorder in grade six and it’s probably the most recognized piece of classical music in the world.

The only interesting twist on the dinner portion of their date was that the bench they ate on had no hand job blanket.  There was however, an abundance of throw pillows. So they could always build a fort, I guess.  I do like Nicki, even despite her side flip, so I’m glad she got the rose but watching them kiss – especially when it followed Ben’s licking of his own lips to pre-lube them (his signature move), actually made me full-on queasy.

Back at the house, Blakely and Elyse are in an intense debate about the one-on-one.  I’m really not sure why Blakely feels she’s entitled to it more than say, Casey S, who also hasn’t spent five minutes with Ben.  But as Blakely explains, ‘I think it would be good for Ben to see the fun side of me…the romantic side of me…the inside of me…

As expected, Blakely gets thrown onto the group date.  Now, I have something to say to Lindzi.  I get that you like horses and fishing and all that stuff and I have no problem with that.  Trust me – I really like you and you’re one of my picks for final two.  But there’s a certain code involved in being a girl and you violated that code when you said that baseball diamonds are better than the sparkly kind.  I could practically hear the collective splat of every guy watching around the world blowing his load simultaneously as Lindzi announced her distaste for diamonds.  Let’s just see how much you like the sparkly kind when Neil Lane comes a knockin’ on the finale.  Shameful.

Anyways.  Did I miss something?  Were this season’s contestants cast right off the field of Spring Training?  What are the chances that every single girl here knows how to play baseball?  I can barely play SPUD!  I mean when Blakely said she was excited for the date and that she played in high school and college, I assumed she was referring to the sport ‘Fuck The Teacher’.  Not actual baseball!  If it were me, I’d be like ‘can’t we just make friendship bracelets?’

Despite an abundance of debilitating camel toes, all the girls put forth a valiant effort but in the end, only one team could win.  So, while Blakely’s team sobbed their way back to the hotel on a school bus, the rest of them headed out to get ready for dinner.

Ben isn’t really trying that hard to create suspense.  It’s pretty clear that he hearts Kasey B (and apparently stalks her – I like watching you?  not the kinda thing you want to admit) and that it’s the type of unconditional love that would allow one to overlook things like her hair, blush, oversized ponchos, the horrific starfish cocktail ring and that damn sweater that is practically walking on its own at this point.  I thought maybe with a smaller date that people like Jamie and…nope, just Jamie…would actually utter a sentence, but what was I thinking?  Even Casey S is a Chatty Cathy next to her.

Despite Kasey getting the rose, Courtney AKA Ursula the Sea Witch  makes her own one-on-one date with Ben and tries to entice him with skinny dipping, to which basically replies – ‘Oh, gee.  Um…’  He truly has a way with words.

Onto Elyse’s date – let’s find love somewhere private!  Before she helps Ben find love in her privates, I would highly suggest to Elyse that going forward on dates, she use a mirror when applying her lip gloss.  Last time, I checked, you’re supposed to tidy it up in the middle so that it isn’t smeared across your whole mouth – I mean seriously, if you can’t find a mirror, ask Courtney to borrow her forehead for a minute.  I’m sure she wouldn’t mind (and while we’re on the subject, Courtney, next time you’re on a photo shoot being all modely, it wouldn’t hurt to ask your makeup artist to spare a few blotting papers). 

As she lay across the hand job sarong on the yacht, convincing Ben that she’s a great person despite the fact that she missed her best friend’s wedding and has already accomplished everything she set out to do (so far, finish school and get a job.  Wow.  Totally inspiring – well maybe it is for someone who probably majored in clubbing), you could see Ben’s attention wandering.  Since he didn’t stick his lizard tongue down her throat on the yacht and manages to do that to pretty much every person he crosses paths with, it was pretty clear she wasn’t getting a rose.  But just in case there was any doubt in Ben’s mind, Elyse helped seal her own fate with the emotional words ‘I’m sick of being single!’  And…there it is.  She might as well have told him her 24 year old biological clock is ticking.  Keep looking for your spotter.

Ben escorts her down the beach in his capri tux and watches her awkwardly hoist herself into the inflatable rowboat before walking along the beach deep in thought holding the rose (which by the way he was not carrying as he said goodbye to her – nice editing, douchebags).

Thankfully, Courtney is waiting in the wings still smiling gleefully at the thought of Elyse’s crushed hopes and dreams (sociopath, much?) as Ben trudges back to his hotel room.  Despite Courtney claiming to have guys eating out of her hands at home, she certainly seemed pretty desperate to seal with deal with Ben.  Between the lotion, the wine, the arranging of her breasts in her robe as they sat on the couch, and the direct verbal invitation to take her in the ocean and bump her clam, it certainly seemed to take Ben some time and consideration before he finally grew a pair and relented.  Come on, Ben!  It’s not like you’ve ever skinny-dipped with a model before!

They frolicked down to the beach and as Courtney stripped down, I’m pretty sure I heard the camera man yelling after them – “Uh…are you guys gonna need this lotion???” – I mean what else is the poor guy gonna do sitting in the dark on the beach watching a live sex show?  Throw the guy a bone.  Do you think the camera crew travels in teams so they have someone to talk to while they have to awkwardly film people making out in front of them?

The next night, once again all the girls are panicking about getting their one on one time.  Blakely saves herself by playing the hooker with a heart of gold to a T.  She has finally realized she deserves more and she should love herself.  Maybe this new self-awareness will inspire her to become more than just a VIP cocktail waitress – perhaps she can be a cage dancer!  A girl’s gotta dream.

Clearly Ben is still reeling from his ‘intimate moment’ (could he be a bigger nerd???) with Courtney but he reminds himself to stay open, much like Courtney’s man-eating vagina, and give the other girls a chance. 

Based on his night cap with Courtney, it wasn’t the best time for Emily to take him aside to apologize for her behavior last week and then immediately repeat it.  The asshole in Ben pokes its way out again, as he warns Emily to be careful and drop it, yet he STILL keeps her around.  If I don’t see them resolve some of their issues once and for all next week, I’m going to freak out.

Of course, Courtney hogs the camera long enough to tell us how bad she’ll feel if the girls ‘find out’ about their skinny-dipping (even though they would only find out from her).  Her subtle – pick me! pick me! as the conversation somehow magically became about skinny-dipping was really subtle.

Despite the extreme boredom I am experiencing watching this show (and writing about it right now, to be honest), the rose ceremony managed to shock the hell out of me.  Tensions were clearly high.  I swear, I thought I was going to have to bring in the Horse Whisperer to calm Blakely down until he finally said her name.  Jesus, have a sugar cube or something.

I seriously don’t know how Jamie – wearing a dress that reminded me of that horrific opalescent shade of purply/pink nail polish that’s at every nail salon but that no one ever actually uses even on their three year old daughter – could get a rose.  She must be related to the producers because it is way too late in the game to be keeping the mutes.  Seriously.  I haven’t heard her speak except to accept the roses.  And the only thing I know about her is that she has excruciating taste in eveningwear.

I really don’t understand what happened with Jen.  One minute she’s the best kisser in the house and the next, she’s kicked to the curb.  I really felt bad for her… poor girl.  It’s hard to be a fire-crotch in this blonde-eat-brunette world.

I am ready to turn this season around.  Let’s trim the fat, get some drama going, get our love on, or SOMETHING.  It’s really starting to pain me, and if it pains me, it pains you, because you’ve had to suffer through this week’s attempt at humour above.  Be kind…we all struggle from time to time.  Until next week…sigh…

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