Salutations, Pulsers! The most consistent columnist on Pulse Wrestling is back with the vivacious Pulse Queen herself, Kelly Floyd, as we tackle yet another installment of Friday Night Smackdown. Will there be more sexual jokes than last time? Probably.
Opening Segment: Sheamus heads to the ring to remind everyone he’s waiting until after Elimination Chamber to decide who he’s facing for the title. Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes show up to confront him, but Big Show appears to make the save. A tag team match is made between Sheamus/Show and Barrett/Rhodes later tonight.
Kelly: So, these crazy Pulse fans came back for more, huh? What nutjobs…
Mike: They’re here for me.
Kelly: I’m sure they are.
Mike: Tonight we’ve got Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton.
Kelly: It kind of feels like they’re just giving away the matches on Smackdown. They’re too obvious.
Mike: Which means I don’t expect to see a clean or lengthy match.
Kelly: Of course not. Well, anyway, Sheamus is out for a quick chat.
Mike: At least he knows to remind the fans why he’s out there.
Kelly: Is he actually going to make his decision?
Kelly: Right, that was stupid.
Mike: I thought you were brainy.
Kelly: I’m a woman. So, no.
Mike: Her words, folks.
Kelly: I’ll be the first to admit it, always. I like the anti-bullying angle. A lot.
Mike: I like how he’s using the anti-bullying angle to say that’s why he is where he is, and not because of any booking decision.
Kelly: I work with children, and they need it, that’s for sure. One high five for WWE.
Mike: Here comes Barrett’s awful theme song, with Barrett himself in its corner.
Kelly: I would assume Cody is next.
Mike: Any heat Wade had is gone thanks to his new song.
Kelly: CALLED IT.
Mike: Yay! Cody Rhodes! He knows how to come out to great theme music.
Kelly: Ugh. Here comes Show.
Mike: Did Cody just make a remark about looking good naked in the mirror?
Kelly: Sure did!
Mike: Speaking of being naked in front of a mirror, has Big Show seen his penis in the last few years?
Kelly: There are so many ways I could respond to that, but I don’t want to be “that” girl…anyway…
Mike: Never stopped you before. Did Big Show actually say that he and Sheamus would make a great Wrestlemania match?
Kelly: I think I heard Sheamus snort.
Mike: Cody just referenced Show’s losses to Mayweather and Akebono!
Kelly: And Sheamus clears the ring.
Mike: Yay! Michael Cole interviews AJ tonight. That must be your own personal hell.
Kelly: Meh, I’ll need a bathroom break, I suppose.
Mike: Me too. For the same reason.
Kelly: Gross. Just…gross.
Jinder Mahal vs Great Khali
Mike: We’re back with the Deadman’s cool promo from Monday night.
Kelly: I’m kicking myself for missing it.
Mike: Guess we have our other main event tonight.
Kelly: Surprised Teddy didn’t come out to tell us that himself. Figures. And here’s Jinder!
Mike: Did he just put his turban into a plastic box? It’s not the fucking crown jewels.
Kelly: Whatever, he’s picking up where he left off with Khali and could possibly replace him. I know who I’m rooting for!
Mike: My TV remote.
Kelly: No, my beer. Get it right.
Mike: Yes ma’am.
Kelly: This is going to be brutal.
Mike: Khali is God’s answer to the age-old question, “Who’s the most useless person in existence?”
Kelly: That’s a serious claim…have we factored in Kelly Kelly, Kim Kardashian, and Justin Bieber?
Mike: Who am I kidding? If there really was a God, I wouldn’t be watching this abortion of a match.
Kelly: What rhymes with squash?
Mike: Nothing, actually.
Kelly: Kibosh. Josh. Mosh. Posh…lawyered.
Mike: Eye wash. As in, “I need eye wash to erase this abomination from my retinas.”
Kelly: Straight from that eye rape, to the remarkably dull exchange of words between Teddy and Mark Henry from last week.
Backstage: Aksana and Teddy Long are flirting when Daniel Bryan interrupts and tries to talk his way out of his match with Orton tonight.
Mike: And here’s Aksana.
Kelly: I know she’s pretty and all, but I can’t understand anything she’s saying. Oh, here’s Daniel Bryan.
Mike: With a vegan joke.
Kelly: I. Want. Steak. Again.
Mike: I’m. Right. Here. Again.
Kelly: Where? I can’t see…
Mike: Oh ho…funny.
Kelly: Love ya.
Kelly: That Tornado Takedown ring is taunting me.
Mike: It looks absurd.
Kelly: It looks fun as tits.
Mike: Tits are fun.
Kelly: You know it, girl.
Kelly: Yeah, I said it. But I say it to everyone. Chin up.
Mike: It’s a glandular thing!
Kelly: I drink so much faster when talking to you.
Mike: Point for me.
Kelly: Entertain me. These commercials are boring.
Mike: Maybe you should look at yourself in a mirror naked. That’s always good for a laugh.
Kelly: …too mean, Michael Grace Gojira.
Mike: I don’t get that reference.
Kelly: It’s no reference. I don’t know your middle name. So I gave you one. Oh hey, HBK is coming back for an evening.
Mike: No way he’ll be getting involved in the Triple H/Undertaker deal.
Kelly: Ugh. Recycling is good for the environment, though.
Beth Phoenix vs Alicia Fox
Mike: Here comes Alicia Fox and her fivehead.
Kelly: Now here’s something new. I don’t think these two have ever faced each other on Smackdown. Wait…
Mike: Where’s Brodus Clay’s Funkette? I want to hear her say that THIS is her new favorite match.
Kelly: Ha! It’s over now. But, I’ll give them credit; it was longer than most Diva matches. Beth goes for a second Glam Slam after the bell rings, and Tamina runs out to rescue Fox!
Mike: Tamina will earn a title shot, lose gracefully, and then Kharma will take Beth’s gold.
Kelly: I hope so. That would be interesting.
Mike: Here’s the Viper, getting ready to slink out….
Kelly: …of your vagina?
Mike: Yup. Wait, what?
Promo: The Rock discusses life in Hawaii.
Mike: Awww….baby Rock, putting booties to asses.
Kelly: How darling.
Mike: I can’t believe they edited out the WWF line in his own home movie!
Kelly: Are you honestly surprised?
Kelly: Thought not. I wonder how many Divas matches this segment would equal.
Mike: Well I can’t masturbate to this, so….
Kelly: Don’t lie to the good, hard-working people of Pulse…
Mike: I am honestly afraid that this year’s Wrestlemania will include an hour’s worth of Rock/Cena promos.
Kelly: You’re probably right. Sadly.
Backstage: Tyson Kidd and Natalya discuss her farting problem. She lets one rip and Hornswoggle takes the brunt of it.
Kelly: Natalya farts again. Ugh. This makes me very sad.
Mike: And Hornswoggle was pronounced dead at the scene. He leaves behind a wife and two munchkins.
Kelly: And there was much rejoicing.
Mike: Monty Python reference! You truly are the perfect woman!
Kelly: Yes!! I was hoping you’d get it.
Mike: I…I think I love you.
Kelly: You’re smothering me. Be cool.
Mike: Right. Damn it, Mike. Be cool.
Kelly: Emotions ruin the sex. Kind of like when you try to look me in the eye.
Mike: Yes, the spot just above your rib cage.
Kelly: Much better.
Mike: Well I can’t help it. You’re quite engorging…I mean engaging.
Big Show and Sheamus vs Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes
Mike: Time for one of our main events.
Kelly: Show already in the ring, Cody out next, followed by Barrett.
Mike: GOD DAMN IT, SOMEBODY ADD SOME MENACE TO BARRETT’S THEME SONG!
Kelly: Cool your jets.
Kelly: I just grabbed a beer…what did I miss?
Mike: The heels trading tags because they’re afraid of Big Show.
Kelly: Wow, Cody absolutely plummeted.
Mike: Big Show calls for the KO but Cody backs away.
Kelly: Barrett and Sheamus square off thanks to the separation.
Mike: I can see this being a main event title feud…in two years.
Kelly: Whoa, vicious kick from Barrett to Sheamus, shifting the momentum.
Mike: Cody tossed out of the ring and right into a commercial.
Kelly: What a tasty cigarette. Makes the commercials more tolerable. Anyway, we’re back. And it’s pretty much the same as where we left it.
Mike: It’s not a cigarette…I’d call it a “cigar.”
Kelly: I’d rather call it “sex in my mouth” but let’s not get into that. Big Show is down!
Mike: Nice drop kick from Rhodes! Did you just call it “sex in your mouth”? Nice.
Kelly: My smoker fans are with me, right? Right.
Mike: My mind is a terrible thing.
Kelly: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. Mind. Gutter. Cute.
Mike: Sweet Beautiful Disaster to Big Show!
Kelly: Absolutely…*takes off sunglasses*…beautiful.
Mike: That’s twice now the heels have attempted to choke out Show.
Kelly: Sheamus and Barrett both rush in, Show handles Rhodes so Sheamus can clean up and win it.
Mike: Way to bury two title contenders.
Kelly: They looked pretty strong throughout though. Seemed to give them a run for their money, at least a little bit.
Mike: Everyone seems to forget that if Bryan loses his title at Elimination Chamber, he gets a rematch.
Kelly: Very astute.
Mike: I know. That’s why I said it.
Interview: Michael Cole chats with AJ in the ring. She tells him that everyone would be better off if he just shut up and Cole responds by trying to tell AJ that Daniel Bryan is using her. DB heads to the ring and announces he’s taking AJ home to protect her, but Teddy Long threatens to strip him of the title if he doesn’t compete.
Kelly: I don’t want to watch AJ blink and pout through a promo.
Mike: Oh, promo. I thought you said “porno.”
Kelly: Well, with the brutal porn I watch, I may not mind watching her in a movie or two.
Mike: TMI, Kel. TMI.
Kelly: Says the man who talks about Vipers slinking out of my vagina.
Mike: It’s your vagina, and whatever you want to nickname my penis is entirely up to you.
Kelly: For the second time, and probably not the last time, I have to wonder why I agreed to collaborate with you.
Mike: Admit it; you love the sexual banter.
Kelly: I would if it did anything for my lady parts, but so far, zilch. Speaking of going soft, here comes AJ.
Mike: Smell the sexual tension, folks!
Kelly: “Nobody really know who you are.” I hate cheering for Michael Cole.
Mike: AJ said she’s feeling “stiff” in the neck and will be “getting it off” (the neck brace) next week.
Kelly: She looks like she’s reading from a cue card.
Mike: Adorable, ain’t it?
Kelly: Not even kinda.
Mike: Oh shit, this kitten has balls.
Kelly: She’s so. Fucking. TERRIBLE.
Mike: I’m confused. Is Cole heel or face?
Kelly: He’s Michael Cole. A whole new level of annoying.
Mike: He won Gooker of the Year.
Kelly: Salvaged, as Daniel Bryan comes out.
Mike: I’m confused. Should I be rooting for any of these people?
Kelly: I was just about to say. You have a good girl, a bad boy, and a dachshund…what the hell are the fans supposed to do?
Mike: Is AJ the dachshund?
Kelly: She wishes.
Mike: Jealousy rears its ugly head.
Kelly: Yeah, I wish I choked on promos and sold moves like I was tasered. WHY GOD?!
Mike: Hahaha! Daniel Bryan is going to leave in a Prius!
Kelly: I always watch Josh Mathews when Cole and Booker bicker. It’s hilarious.
Mike: It’s so weird. The one time Cole speaks the truth and Booker doesn’t want to hear it.
Kelly: This is why I tune the announcers out. Looks like Bryan has to compete, or he’ll be stripped of the title.
Mike: I wonder which of the two will happen…..
Mike: And here’s your Tornado Takedown ring again.
Kelly: I WANT IT.
Mike: Insert sexual joke here.
Kelly: I’ll let anyone insert anything if they buy it for me. And a beer.
Mike: I’m at your door with a six-pack.
Kelly: Where’s the ring?!
Mike: The six-pack IS the ring. It’s meta.
Ted DiBiase vs Hunico
Kelly: Hooray! Tedward DiBiase emerges.
Mike: The DiBiase/Hunico feud continues.
Kelly: Caramel Thunder…
Mike: I want to see the bike crash as Hunico breaks out a promo.
Kelly: Fight kicks off, and quickly moves outside the ring.
Mike: Teddy is in control.
Kelly: But he’s too distracted by…forgive me, I can’t spell Hispanic Lackey’s name. Hunico takes advantage.
Kelly: Thanks, bro. Hunico works on the injured wrist.
Mike: I’m sorry, but this feud does nothing for me.
Kelly: I don’t mind it. At least they seem to have found something stable for the two.
Mike: DiBiase with the roll-up!
Kelly: Teddy steals the win! Oh good. It’s been a good 45 minutes since I’ve last seen the HHH/Taker video package. I was worried I’d forgotten what happened.
Mike: Who is Triple H?
Kelly: Not sure how to respond to that.
Mike: This is why I need constant reminders. Once every hour.
Kelly: Thankfully, WWE is here to help!
Mike: Thanks, WWE! Now I can sleep soundly at night!
Kelly: Shit, I forgot again.
Mike: Forgot what?
Mike: What’s on second.
Kelly: But, who’s on first?
Mike: That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out!
Kelly: Good lord. I sure am glad I’m drinking as heavily as I am.
Mike: And here I thought my personality was intoxicating.
Kelly: Nah. It just makes me want to get intoxicated.
Mike: Aww, poop.
Kelly: Any excitement for Elimination Chamber?
Mike: Nope. You?
Kelly: I am, actually. But that’s because my FSW boys will be appearing and hanging out at my favorite sports bar.
Mike: So then it has nothing to do with the PPV.
Mike: I suppose I’m only looking forward to the Raw chamber match.
Kelly: I was going to say that I was excited for the Smackdown one. But then I remembered…Jericho.
Mike: Exactly. He is a wrestling god.
Update: John Laurinaitis gets to keep his job. He has a phone interview with Michael Cole.
Mike: Laurinaitis gets to keep his job.
Mike: He’s on the phone from Abu Dhabi. And he’s NOT fucking up his lines.
Kelly: Now, time for the Viper to…ahem…slink out.
Mike: I don’t know what you mean.
Kelly: Ugh. Anyway. Commercials. Again.
Mike: I like the Geico rescue panther.
Kelly: I was just going to say, I want one. Jeez, I’m demanding tonight.
Mike: I already bought you one!
Kelly: Awww, you shouldn’t have. What a lamb.
Mike: I’ve NEVER heard anyone called a “lamb” as an affectionate term.
Kelly: Then, I’m taking it back. I’m taking that word back. For all the lambs in the world!
Mike: You can’t use that word! That is OUR word!
Kelly: Ha! How are you cool enough to get all my movie references?
Mike: I told you, babe. I am awesome.
Kelly: I’m beginning to agree.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Kelly Floyd is the Yin to my Yang.
Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan
Kelly: So, we’re back with Orton, and DB just entered. Bell rings, and they’re off!
Mike: Big Show is at ringside. Nothing will come of this, I’m sure.
Kelly: Lot of staring right now. Come on boys, quit flirting and get down to it!
Mike: Drop toe hold from Orton. That was different.
Kelly: Very abrupt series of reversals. Both trading offense like Pokemon cards.
Mike: Sweet sequence ending with a nice Orton drop kick! Bryan launched outside of the ring, in front of the announce table. Orton is using sign language to communicate with Big Show.
Kelly: Big knee to Orton’s face as we go to commercial.
Mike: This is a pretty sweet match.
Kelly: I dig it. Sort of.
Mike: What’s wrong?
Kelly: It has the right ingredients, but isn’t sitting right at the moment.
Mike: You should try my pasta sauce. It’s fucking perfect.
Kelly: Can’t. I’m allergic to terrible food.
Mike: Fucking bitch.
Kelly: I kid, I kid. You know you’re my world!
Mike: Oh, I know….I was talking about Vickie Guerrero.
Kelly: Ha, gotcha. We’re back now.
Mike: DB working over Orton’s arm. The crowd is into this.
Kelly: This is the most alive they’ve been all night. Randy drops DB hard on the mat, with a delectable force.
Mike: Delectable force?
Kelly: Yes. It was delicious. Oh wait, I forgot my catchphrase. It was sexual.
Mike: DB goes for a flying headbutt but misses.
Kelly: Scoop slam from Orton, followed by an attempted DDT but Daniel Bryan powers out and climbs to the top again.
Mike: Nice superplex! Garvin stomps…missed knee drop from Orton!
Kelly: There’s so much happening right now.
Mike: Lebell Lock countered into a slingshot which sets Bryan up for the hanging DDT!
Kelly: Uh oh, Bryan gets away and tries to walk out with the title, but Show is there to toss him back into the ring, right into an RKO! Disqualification thanks to Show’s interference. Randy is livid, and the two brawl.
Mike: Looks like George and Lennie going at it from “Of Mice and Men.”
Kelly: DB chuckles as he walks away, and the credits roll.
Mike: This was a better show than last week.
Kelly: Much better. But I don’t think that was hard to accomplish.
Mike: You take what you can get these days.
Kelly: Still the more watchable show in the WWE, and I feel like we had some good quality matches.
Mike: Natalya’s farts not withstanding.
Kelly: Ugh. Again, I can’t even go into it.
Mike: Maybe she has IBS.
Kelly: You’re determined to make that work, aren’t you?
Mike: Until the day I die.
Kelly: Though it may be the dumbest thing I’ve seen in WWE, I feel good about the Blue Crew.
Mike: Yup. Me too. Hey, maybe we’ll get another 1,000 hits like we did last week.
Kelly: I bet we will. How could anyone not love us?
Mike: We’re like George Burns and Gracie Allen.
Kelly: No idea who they are.
Kelly: I’m lucky I’m pretty.
Mike: You can say that again.
Kelly: Well, until next time, kiddos. Make sure to join us again, where I promise to be twice as drunk!
Mike: And I’ll be twice as raunchy! So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, alicia fox, Beth Phoenix, big show, Booker T, Camacho, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Elimination Chamber, Great Khali, Hornswoggle, hunico, Jinder Mahal, Josh Mathews, Kelly Floyd, Mark Henry, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Natalya, randy orton, sheamus, Smackdown, tamina, ted dibiase, Teddy Long, The Rock, Tyson Kidd, Wade Barrett, WWE