The Bachelor – Episode 16-7 Review – “Can you Belize This Crap?”

I want you to know that I came up with that blog post title before the started making all kinds of Belize/believe jokes on last night’s episode of The Bachelor.

With hometown dates on the horizon, we’re in the home stretch of this season of The Bachelor yet it doesn’t really feel that way, does it? Maybe it’s because of the bachelor himself. Ben is a pleasant fellow, but he’s not made for great TV. He’s annoying in the worst kind of way – he’s not a jerk, you can’t love to hate him. He’s just kind of a bumbling fool, and I’m at the point where I couldn’t care less who he ends up with.

But let’s face it. I’m not watching this show to see a fairytale ending, I’m watching because it’s fun to mock the silly people on TV. So let’s go.

Message in a Bottle

The girls were all anxious about the dates this week since Ben would be choosing four of the remaining six to visit in their hometowns. For Kacie, this was particularly important. “I’m as in love with Ben as I can get,” she said. Really, Kacie? You’ve reached the full depth of love within a matter of weeks? No matter how much more you get to know him, you could never possibly love him more than you do now? There is no more room to grow? Riiiiiight. Your love must have grown so quickly because of all the bulls—…I mean…fertilizer this show provides.

There would be three one-on-one dates this week, as well as one group date. The first solo date went to Lindzi, who I knew was a shoe-in for final four. They took a trip on the ubiquitous Bachelor helicopter, but with an added twist – they’d be jumping out of it! Seriously, folks? Does Ben earn a commission every time he helps a gal conquer a fear? Is he vying for a gig as the host of Fear Factor? What gives? Poor Lindzi. If I were jumping out of a helicopter into the ocean, I’d want to be wearing a sturdier swimsuit.

Later, Ben and Lindzi enjoyed dinner in what was basically the most romantic setting I’ve ever seen. I could fall in love with anyone under those circumstances. After discussing how excited Lindzi is to introduce Ben to her parents, the couple wrote a little message to put in a bottle and set adrift in the ocean. (Pollution alert! Think of the dolphins! Or, to appeal to Lindzi, think of the seahorses!) They decided to write something “serious” on one side and something funny on the other. I think I missed the funny bit – or was the joke the fact that they’re on this show???

The story they wrote made me want to barf. I won’t subject you to the whole thing – but it made a falling out of a helicopter/falling for each other metaphor (which I HATE) and included the words “eternal promise” – gag.

The date ended with Lindzi saying “Tonight it’s just the water, the stars, and us.” And, well, the camera crew who captured that lovely sentiment. But same diff.

Bicycle Race

The next day was Emily’s one-on-one date with Ben, which did not sit well with Courtney. After all, this was the girl who’d badmouthed her to Ben! How could he be on a date with her nemesis? The nerve! Courtney spent the day crying, moping and feeling self-involved, to the point where she said if she did not receive the third and final one-on-one date then she wouldn’t accept a rose from him. Sigh. Remember that time Courtney said she wouldn’t accept a rose if Ben allowed Shawntel to stay, but then she totally still took the rose before she knew what his decision about Shawntel was? Yeah. Empty promises. But seriously, Court – if Ben’s date with Emily is making you question your entire relationship with him, then by all means go home. No, seriously. Please leave.

While Courtney moped, Ben and Emily were biking around Belize, inviting themselves to take part in locals’ basketball games and, of course, walking barefoot. Why is Ben always walking barefoot in tropical countries? And Emily is a germaphobe with a PhD in diseases! What was she thinking? Did she at least bring her hand sanitizer to use on her feet?

Emily wanted to take advantage of her date with Ben because “After San Francisco we had a little bit of a rocky patch.” So, like, since day three? You’ve been having a rocky “patch” since day three?

Ben and Emily caught some lobsters to enjoy for dinner and then talked about meeting Emily’s parents. Poor Emily. She really is too good for Ben – smart, funny, pretty. I’d probably get along with her.

Spark and Snark

And then it was Courtney’s turn. Of course she got the last one-on-one date of the evening. And of course she was all “It’s about time… He’s a smart boy, he listens.” She bid adieu to the other girls in a typically obnoxious, Courtney style: “Bye! Can’t stand y’all!”

And of course, Courtney got the best date – visiting an ancient Mayan temple. And during the date, she played Ben like a fiddle. First she told him how tough the previous day had been.

“I had tough day yesterday. It was hard for me knowing you were with
Emily. She was the person that said nasty things to me. And then I started thinking, am I going to get a one-on-one date? Like,
if I didn’t, honestly, I was not going to accept a rose from you. I’m
not going to bring someone home if, you know, I don’t even know where
we’re at. It felt so good in the beginning and I had such a spark. And
the last group date it was just hard, it feels like I was with a
friend…I lost the spark babe.”

She wants a spark, huh? Well then maybe someone from production can do us all a favor and light Courtney on fire. And Ben, the idiot, fell for it! He fell for it all! The whole thing was such a calculated ploy, just to make Ben pursue her even more. Everyone else is on The Bachelor, but Courtney’s on Survivor and she knows she’s winning. “I don’t want to get cocky, though” Courtney later told the camera as she recounted how she’d manipulated Ben. Little late for that, sweetheart. Argh.

Ben did have a few questions for Courtney, mostly revolving around her relationships with the other women. Does she have a lot of friends in real life? “I have a lot of guy friends,” Courtney told him. Red flag! Red flag! Big fat red flag! 

Courtney continued to bash all of the other women – or, sorry, “girls” if you ask her – to Ben in the most hypocritical way possible. Ben told Emily to tread carefully when she brought up her concerns about Courtney, but he didn’t stop his model girlfriend from calling his FIVE OTHER GIRLFRIENDS “vanilla”, “boring” and other lovely things. Ben looked concerned, but not concerned enough.

Shark and Snark

I knew from previews that the three women going on the group date – Rachel, Nicki and Kacie – would confront Ben about their feelings regarding Courtney. And after the major red flag conversation Ben had with Courtney the previous day, I was hoping it would be enough to change his mind about her.

First though, the ladies had to go shark diving with Ben – complete with a 4am wake-up call from the man himself. Isn’t it every gal’s dream to be surprised at 4am by the guy she likes! Lindzi was just thankful she opted to sleep with a shirt on, because otherwise that would be “awkward”. Because sleeping topless when you share a room with five other women and a camera crew isn’t awkward? OK…

Anyway, surprise surprise – Rachel has a shark phobia! Someone always does. Chalk up another win for Ben in the getting-girls-to-conquer-fears department, because with a little extra attention from Ben, Rachel managed to get in the water with sharks. Kacie and Nicki were a little jealous that Rachel’s fear of sharks dominated Ben’s attention, but hey – them’s the breaks. Had Courtney been there, I bet she would have peed herself just to out-phobia Rachel.

There weren’t any roses on the one-on-one dates, but there was one this time. It went to Kacie, and she was thrilled to be the first girl Ben selected to take on a hometown date. And with that confidence, she broached the subject of Courtney.

Mostly it was just Kacie and Nicki confiding in Ben about their concerns over Courtney, Rachel seemed to stay out of it. But Ben was all ears, telling them “I’d like to hear it.” Really? Because that’s definitely not what you said to Emily.

No Cocktails for You!

As the women sat around before the rose ceremony waiting for Ben to arrive, Courtney made it her mission to be as obnoxious as possible – something she is most definitely “winning” at. As the other girls discussed how it would be hard to lose two of them that evening, Courtney tried to “lighten the mood” by talking about how great she felt! Not only did she have a delicious pina colada, but the girls should buck up – after all, Ben’s not the only guy in the world!

Oh man. I know that it’s true – obviously, literally, Ben is not the only man on the planet. But that is not something you say to women who believe they are falling in love with him. Unless you’re Courtney, and you were raised by a pack of hyenas and grew up thinking Rachel McAdams played the heroine in Mean Girls.

Harrison showed up to announce to the girls that Ben didn’t need a cocktail party that evening because he knew who he was going to send home. Yet, when the ladies lined up for the rose ceremony, Ben pulled Courtney aside. I was SO hoping it was so he could dump her. Instead, Ben asked a few harmless questions and sent her back to join the other girls. Oh, Ben. If Courtney’s been playing you this whole time, why on earth do you think she’d be honest now?

I was surprised that Nicki was called first to get a rose, because I thought she was for sure going to be eliminated. It didn’t seem like Ben’s connection with her was as strong as it is with the other women. And since I was pretty sure he hadn’t smartened up enough to send home Courtney, I knew that meant Emily and Rachel would be the ones headed home, without a visit from Ben to look forward to.

I guess Ben is one gentleman who doesn’t prefer blondes…

I have to say, I’m disappointed. Emily was my favorite gal left in this crazy thing, followed by Rachel. They seemed the most likable of the bunch. Now we’re left with one bitch and three bores. I suppose of the four remaining girls I like Lindzi the best, but none of them strike me as particularly interesting.

Courtney, of course, chirped “See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!” as Emily exited. Had I been there, I would have screamed out “Oh come ON! Ben! Didn’t you hear that??? Wake up!”

OK guys, head to the comments section – what did you think of the episode? How do you feel about this final four? Do you think Courtney’s family will be nice? Will they be actors hired to play her family because she is actually an alien with no heart or soul? Will they eat Ben for dinner?

Oh, and watch this if you haven’t already:

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