Hello and welcome to Adam Mason’s TNA Impact Wrestling recap for 2.16.12! Before I launch right into the recap this week I’d like to address a major story that happened this past weekend. Whitney Houston died well before her time and while the exact cause is yet undisclosed it seems safe to assume that her hard-living lifestyle contributed to her death. Wrestling is absolutely plagued by young, athletic performers dying before their times, often due to the same type of hard-living as Whitney. The difference is that Whitney is being covered and memorialized everywhere you turn, but when a wrestler dies no one cares.
Tonight’s recap is dedicated to the memory of Whitney Houston, a performer who died far too young. I never cared for any of her music but if I want society to one day give a damn about the many, many wrestlers who are dying too young then it is only fair that I pay tribute to a performer who I did not particularly find entertaining. Each match tonight will have a corresponding Whitney Houston song that sums up my feelings on the match.
OK WHO’S READY FOR SOME IMPACT? WRESTLING MATTERS!
*crickets*
DAMMIT I SAID WRESTLING MATTERS!
The show opens with a video package recapping the results of the Gunner/Garrett Bischoff and the 4-way World Title matches. Definitely the right result for both of those contests!
We go to the ring now as TNA World Champion Bobby Roode comes to the ring. Mike Tenay says Roode will “exploit any opening” and suddenly my mind goes to pigeons flying free…I HATE YOU TAZ! Roode in the ring now says that the people in the Impact Zone are saying ROOOOODE so loudly (they’re not, they’re booing…but you likely knew that. Didn’t you?) that he needs Christy Hemme to introduce him again. She does and Roode says screw you to those who thought he would not be champion after Against All Odds. The Impact Zone chants for Jeff Hardy as I seriously consider the moral ramifications of forced sterilizations. Roode says Sting should blame himself for Roode’s continued tenure since Sting helped Roode win. He’s the It Factor of pro wrestling and there is nothing Sting can do about it. Sting now comes to the ring and admits that his anger and rage got the best of him this past Sunday and Jeff Hardy got screwed. Sting will make up for all of that though because tonight it is Jeff Hardy versus Bobby Roode for the TNA World Heavyweight Title…no time limit (OK wait a second, is that concept even alive in pro wrestling anymore? When was the last time a time limit mattered outside of something like a 1 hour Iron Man match?)…and no DQ…AND THE MATCH IS NEXT! Roode loses his mind as we go to…
Commercials
– The Fiat 500 Abarth edition: I’m pretty sure I just watched some nerd get hard at the idea of sticking his junk in a car’s trunk. Is there even a term for that type of pathology? Automobilephiliac?
– Act of Valor: Look, I respect the HELL out of anyone who serves in the U.S. Armed Forces but the idea of a movie starring active duty Navy Seals just reeks of jingoistic war-porn. Thanks for your service but no thanks to the idea of this movie.
We’re back from the commercial now and Brandon Jacobs, running back on the Super Bowl champion New York Giants, is ringside in the Impact Zone! Didn’t Lawrence Taylor tell him what happens when NY Giants sit ringside at wrestling shows?
Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy, TNA World Heavyweight Title match:
Roode is already in the ring in his gear, conveniently enough, as Jeff Hardy comes out to the ring. Jeff is decked out in pink and black with half of his face painted pink and black as well. Somewhere Bret Hart is throwing up…not because of this but I’m pretty sure it’s because of that kick Goldberg gave him. F Goldberg…anyways, Hardy rushes into the ring and attacks Roode, hitting him with clotheslines, an inverted atomic drop, and that dual leg drop between the legs that looks like a total pill-shot but is always called a lower abdomen strike. Roode comes back with a fireman’s carry into a drop. Roode comes at Hardy but Hardy elevates him over the top rope and to the floor. Hardy slingshots over the top rope to Roode on the floor. Hardy continues beating Roode on the floor until Roode fights back and tries a vertical suplex, however Hardy blocks it and suplexes Roode! Hardy now slams Roode’s noggin into the steel steps and then gracefully flies through the air from the daunting height of about 12″, from the first step of the steel steps, and clotheslines Roode. Hardy throws a chair at Roode’s back and then whips Roode into the edge of the apron twice. Roode fights back with punches but Hardy whips him into and over the steel steps. Hardy then uses the steps like Matt Hardy and launches himself at Roode with poetry in motion! Both men are down as we go to another…
Commercial
– Safe House: Can we please just get the inevitable Denzel Washington vs. Liam Neeson picture? Tell me you wouldn’t watch those two 50+ year old badasses pitted against one another.
– Matt Morgan for Direct Auto: They run this damn commercial every week at least twice a show. I do approve of violence against insurance companies but not when Matt Morgan is dishing it out.
Back to the show as the match continues, Jeff Hardy is in control in the ring as he hits a front suplex on Bobby Roode for 2. Roode regains control and whips Jeff to the corner but Hardy elbows a charging Roode. Jeff goes to the top rope but Roode shoves the referee into the ropes, crotching Hardy on the top. Roode then tosses Hardy to the floor and settles into a more methodical pace. Roode attempts a piledriver to Hardy on the ramp but Hardy backbodydrops Roode. Hardy drops a leg to the back of Roode’s head and then takes Roode all the way up the ramp. Hardy then tosses Roode off of the ramp but Roode lands on his feet and rolls to the ground. Hardy leaps from the ramp and clotheslines Roode on the floor as I get a bad feeling about where this may be going. Hardy tries a Twist of Fate on the floor but Roode blocks it, however Roode then charges Hardy but Hardy moves and Roode hits the side of the ramp. Hardy takes Roode to the ring and tosses him in. Jeff stays outside of the ring to take his shirt off as KURT ANGLE appears from the back and assaults Hardy! Angle tosses Hardy into the steel steps and then rolls Hardy into the ring. Roode capitalizes on this and spears Jeff for the 1-2-3!
Winner (and still champion): Bobby Roode, by pinfall.
The crowd barely reacted to Angle’s interference and the match’s ending. Angle stares at Roode as Roode stares back from the ring, however my heart is filled with joy because hopefully this means Hardy will get away from Roode and feud with Angle going forward.
WHITNEY HOUSTON TRIBUTE: This match was most like Whitney Houston’s “Hold on, Help is on the Way”.
Commercials
Roode is now backstage gloating, saying that the It Factor retains. He also asks how many chances does Jeff Hardy get. Oh that’s an easy one, Bob…TOO DAMN MANY! Sting shows up, gets in Roode’s face, and says Roode cheated the system. Really, in a no DQ match Roode cheated? OK…Sting says that tonight there will be a #1 contender’s match and Roode is not yet done.
Eric Young is in another part of the backstage area and he has a guitar. I begin feverishly pounding Thin Mints to dull the pain, thank you Girl Scouts of America, you’re saving me from fully experiencing the pain of Eric Young! Young tells the cameraman that he did not get ODB anything for Valentine ‘s Day but he and his guitar Bernadette got something for her later tonight to win her back. Would I get in trouble if I phoned in to the FBI and warned them of this impending plot? LOOK DAMMIT ERIC YOUNG ON TELEVISION IS THE GREATEST THREAT TO HOMELAND SECURITY I CAN IMAGINE!
Sting is now backstage in yet another area and he is talking to Bully Ray and James Storm offering them both the chance to fight one another tonight for the #1 contenders’ spot for Roode’s title. Both men say they won at Against All Odds but Sting makes the match for tonight!
Commercials
– Tower Heist on DVD: Have not seen it, however all it does is make me wonder just how must-see the Oscars would have been this year if Eddie Murphy had hosted them as he originally was supposed to. There’s no middle ground when it comes to the idea of him hosting that show, either it would be the greatest, most controversial Oscars in years or it would be a massive disappointment that would only be assuaged by watching Delirious.
Back to TNA Impact Wrestling as sad, soft music plays while a recap of Jesse Sorensen’s injury takes place. Tenay somberly narrates the events of the injury and the aftermath, stating that Sorensen suffered a fractured C1 vertebra, however Jesse has increasing feeling in his limbs. TNA will keep the fans up to date on Sorensen’s progress. Get well soon, Jesse.
Zema Ion and Austin Aries vs. Shannon Moore and Alex Shelley:
Austin and Moore start as Austin hits a shoulderblock, gets a headlock takedown, and a dropkick on Moore. Austin, clearly impressed with his in-ring WIZARDRY (see I said that because he wears that f*cking wizard cape! 10 points for Slytherrin!) hops on the top rope and lies across the ropes in the corner. Zema tags himself in but Moore springs backwards off of the second rope into a bodypress onto Ion for 2. Shelley is tagged in and he works Ion’s arm however Ion comes back with a running headscissors takedown. Aries and Moore now both get in the ring as Moore whips Aries into the corner and then whips Ion into Aries in the corner! Aries goes to the outside as Moore hits a baseball slide kick and follows it up with an ASAI MOONSAULT to the floor on Aries! Ion then hits Moore because Moore touched Ion’s hairspray. Seriously. Moore gets in and tags Shelley who attempts Sliced Bread #2 on Aries but Aries shoves him to the corner. Ion quickly tags himself in and rolls up Shelley from behind for the quick uno-dos-adios!
Winners: Austin Aries and Zema Ion, pinfall
The match was short and never got going. There was way too much Moore and Ion and not enough Aries and Shelley.
WHITNEY HOUSTON TRIBUTE: “I have nothing”
Backstage Gail Kim and Madison Rayne walk and talk, apparently a battle royal to determine the number one contender for the Knockouts Title is next. Madison sucks up to Gail and they seem to be on the same page after some dissent at the PPV.
Commercials
Knockouts battle royal to determine #1 contender:
Never recapped a battle royal before and my gut tells me to just hit the highlights, there’s too much action to get it all. My gut also tells me to stop with the damn Thin Mints and I oblige. Miss Tessmacher and Tara are introduced and Brooke takes her shirt off…to reveal a sports bra-eqsue wrestling top underneath. Drat. More Knockouts come out and then it’s VELVET SKY TIME! I’m very happy about this development. Velvet does her patented entrance into the ring as Taz hollars “LET THE PIGEONS LOOSE!” I actually ought to be thanking TNA because if it was not for 1) Taz’s damn voice, and 2) the imagery of pigeons emerging and taking flight from Velvet’s nether regions then I’d probably have to go to the nearest Urgent Care facility for priapism. Madison gets into the ring and says all of the ladies in the ring right now have a chance to be the #1 contender as my attention to details helps me understand exactly what this match will result in. Madison leaves the ring as the match begins and quickly Winter, Tessmacher, and Rosita are eliminated. Soon after that ODB and Mickie are eliminated. Tara, Sarita, Angelina Love, and Velvet Sky are the final four remaining. Tara is eliminated and it’s down to 3. The Impact Zone chants “Let’s Go Velvet” as I marvel that Velvet’s hotness can penetrate even the thick skulls of a pro-Hardy crowd. Back and forth as Sarita and Angelina double team Velvet but Velvet keeps fighting back. Angelina eventually hits a sick Botox Injection kick on Velvet but Velvet blocks her elimination attempt. Sarita then dumps Angelina from behind and it’s Velvet and Sarita! Sarita charges at a dazed Velvet but Velvet ducks low and Sarita flies over the top! VELVET WIN- oh, wait, Madison is in now and swiftly dumps Velvet over the top from behind to win.
Winner and #1 contender: Madison Rayne, bullsh*t.
Gail is upset as Madison just grins like an idiot and waves.
WHITNEY HOUSTON TRIBUTE: “I will always love you”
James Storm is backstage and he is fired up about fighting Ray tonight. He hits the wall and puts a hole in it to demonstrate his intensity! I’ll say this: I am warming to James Storm. He’s a chunky cowboy who just fights hard, a la Dusty Rhodes. The difference is Rhodes had world-class charisma and I don’t see that yet in Storm. Still, I am beginning to “get” Storm.
Eric Bischoff and Gunner are walking towards the ring as we get
Commercials
Samoa Joe and Magnus are backstage in street wear. They are proud champions and say that they defeated a 7 footer and an undefeated guy. Cameraman says that the rematch is next week but Joe says that doesn’t matter.
We get a Gunner/Garrett recap from Against All Odds; if TV’s had smell-o-vision I imagine I’d be getting a whiff of a skunk’s ass adorned with hemorrhoids right about now.
Eric Bischoff and Gunner come out along with RIC FLAIR and Kelsey (?). Tenay introduces them as Immortal and I wonder how a stable can have one actual active wrestler. Eric says Chelsea wanted to join them so she did. He thanks everyone and says the sad chapter of Garrett’s attempt to be a wrestler is over (THANK GOD). Eric hands out cigars and champagne to celebrate as he says that Garrett should be a dog catcher or electrician, just ANYTHING but a wrestler. I share his sentiment. Bischoff then says “Good luck in your future endeavors” . Ooooh oblique WWE allusion!
Bully ray is backstage. He’s Calfzilla and says he will go through Storm tonight to face Roode, his good friend. Now shoot his calves again!
Commercials
Christy Hemme is backstage with Mike Straka (sp?), host of some new MMA show on Spike.
Eric Young and ODB are backstage and EY sings “Ode to ODB”. She is impressed, he’s won her back. They then run off so she can give him her present. I hope it is hemlock.
Bully Ray vs. James Storm:
Ray grabs a fan’s sign on the way to the ring. The fan, wearing a Hardy-esque armband, gets in Ray’s face and I desperately hope Ray strangles the fan with that stupid armwrap. James Storm is out now and we begin as Storm gets a reverse hammerlock on Ray. Ray gets to the ropes to break, then avoids Storm’s attempt at a lockup. Eventually they do lockup and Ray pushes Storm into the corner. Storm avoids Ray’s punch and beats Ray down in the corner. He then whips Ray to the opposite corner and follows in with a running clothesline. Storm armdrags Ray down but Ray regains control and begins working on Storm’s left leg. Bully pulls Storm’s left boot off to work on the leg even more as he locks in a casual looking arm and leg submission on Storm. Storm gets to the ropes so Ray drives the left leg of Storm into the mat after lifting it high. Ray gets a mean looking single-leg crab on Storm and then drops the elbow onto the leg. Ray gets a 2 count and continues working the leg as we get
Commercials
Ray is still in control but Storm fights back with punches. Ray dropkicks the left leg of Storm, however, and follows with two 2 counts. Ray has complete control and he even blows his nose on the referee, some Hebner. Ray continues working the knee but after getting some separation Storm comes back with a codebreaker. Storm ducks a charging Ray, pivots, and hits the Last Call on Ray for the 1-2-3!
Winner and #1 contender to the TNA World Heavyweight Title: James Storm, pinfall
Storm’s left leg was worked over all match yet he could still plant and drive off of it to hit Last Call? OK…Brandon Jacobs hops the rail to celebrate with Storm but Ray attacks Storm and knocks him down. Ray then gets in Jacobs’ face, takes his beer, and spits it in Brandon’s face! Brandon Jacobs snaps and shoves Bully Ray to the ground! Do these NY Giants ever learn? TNA agents D-Lo Brown and Al Snow are out to restrain Jacobs as Ray looks on in terror. Jacobs is hollering that Ray is not from New York.
WHITNEY HOUSTON TRIBUTE: Thanks to the Last Call all it took was “One Moment in Time”
Commercials
Backstage now with Storm and Jacobs, Jacobs says he was here to support his guy James but Ray got out of line. Next week Storm says Jacobs will lay the smack down, and Jacobs says it will be payback for the Bully!
Sting is in the ring and he says he has good news for Roode and calls Roode out. Roode comes out to the ring and Sting announces that at Lockdown it will be James Storm versus Bobby Roode, one on one, in the steel cage for the TNA World Heavyweight Title! Roode assaults Sting, hitting him with the belt and opening up a very small cut on Sting’s forehead. He takes Sting’s sunglasses hits Sting some more, and then puts the sunglasses back on the downed Sting as the show ends.
Another TNA Impact Wrestling in the books and I have to say that I largely like what they seem to be doing. Ray/Jacobs draws attention to the brand. Hardy/Angle is much better than either man beating young, upcoming stars like Storm or Roode. The only mistakes I see are putting Zema Ion against Austin Aries because Ion just does not yet belong, along with pitting Madison Rayne against Gail Kim. The Eric Young thing still eludes me and I am OK with that. Until next week…
Smell ya later!
