Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 3.16.12 (Chris Jericho Returns!)

Greetings from your favorite Stomping Ground columnist! I’m poised and ready to watch another episode of SyFy’s highest rated Friday show mere hours before I head to a wedding, one in which my ex-girlfriend will be attending.

Definitely NOT something I’m looking forward to, but I’m confident the amount of alcohol I’ll consume will counter my emotional attachment. What could go wrong?

We’re not-so-live in Columbus, Ohio and we’re graced with the presence of Captain Charisma himself for a special edition of the Peep Show! The crowd cheers for him despite the fact that he’s a heel, showing him some much-needed love and respect. He’s got this weird comb-over and beard combo going on. What is with the comb-over look these days? Christian basically announces the 12-man tag team match taking place at Wrestlemania that we heard about through the Interwebz earlier this week. Tonight, his guests are Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis with Starscream…I mean, David Otunga. Oh, how cute. A little white kid in Cena attire is dancing the “Teddy Long” to the GM’s theme music. Teddy’s out with Aksana, presumably to counter Otunga somehow. I guess she gives better blowjobs? Christian is giving both GMs an opportunity to woo him to their respective teams as he knocks the crowd’s collective IQ. He says he’ll join Teddy’s team if he gets…wait for it…ONE MORE MATCH. Long tells Christian to fuck off because nobody just “gets” a title shot on his watch; they have to “earn” it. Ace says he’ll give Christian a title shot if he joins Team Laurinaitis, so guess which side he chooses? We basically just wasted a ten minute segment for that. Teddy Long tells Christian to lace up his boots but Johnny Ace says he’s still not medically cleared. Long then decides to put Otunga in a match instead against the newest member of Team Teddy…Kofi Kingston!

Guess the Video Game #1: All life begins and ends with Nu. This is the truth! This is my belief!…at least for now.

Kofi Kingston vs David Otunga
Santino is at ringside to support Kofi as Johnny Ace and Teddy Long are on commentary. Otunga is whoopin’ Kingston’s behind in his nice dress pants. He traps Kofi in a Dragon Sleeper and pounds away on Kofi’s chest and back before flexing for the crowd. Kofi fights to his feet, gets whipped off the ropes, kicks Otunga in the midsection, but eats a power slam as he charges at Otunga. The heel clotheslines Kofi in the corner twice, but misses the third attempt and gets caught with a flying cross body for two. Kingston hits his chops and a drop kick before going for the Boom Drop…but Christian interferes, allowing Otunga to clothesline Kofi (which nearly knocks his block off). The ref decides to eject Christian instead of logically calling for the bell. As Long and Laurinaitis distract the official with their arguing, Otunga takes off his belt. Santino gets on the ring apron and gets hit with the belt, but it allows Trouble in Paradise to connect and give Kofi the win.

Daniel Bryan is skulking outside the Divas locker room awaiting AJ, who comes out in a tight-fitting black dress. She thinks it doesn’t fit and he agrees that it looked better on the mannequin (ouch!). DB says he pulled some strings and got AJ a match that would get her a title shot should she win. She thanks him by devouring his tongue and goes back into the locker room to get ready. DB wipes his mouth as though he didn’t enjoy it. He’s insane.

Guess the Video Game #2: What, you’re going to fight against me? You damn fool.

Nikki Bella vs AJ Lee
Yeah, the Bella who didn’t win the Divas Championship vs my cute little AJ. Nikki gets on her knees to mockingly beg for mercy and AJ responds with a stiff drop kick that folds the Bella up like an accordion! DB, at ringside for emotional support, tells AJ to capitalize but she eats the turnbuckle post when she attempts to do more damage. Nikki stands on her hair and pulls AJ up before slamming her to the mat. AJ is trapped in a chin lock but fights out of it. She’s whipped off the ropes, slides under Nikki, and nails a roundhouse kick to the face! AJ climbs to the top rope and somehow fucks up a simple cross body. Nikki crawls to the ropes and the ref forces AJ to back up. Of course, here comes Brie Bella for some Twin Magic and Daniel Bryan heroically gets on the apron to tell the referee! He stops the switcheroo and AJ reverses what seemed to be a sidewalk slam into a school boy for the victory! As DB steals the spotlight, Booker T hates on the victory. Josh Mathews and Michael Cole both call him crazy, as DB actually did the right thing for once.

Guess the Video Game #3: What a horrible night to have a curse.

We’re back with a recap of the Cena Rap/Rock Concert. Cena’s rap was great and Rock had a great verse about infidelity. Apparently you can buy the Rock Concert on iTunes if you’re an idiot.

Matt Striker chats backstage with Cody Rhodes. Rhodes says that 364 days out of the year Big Show is an unstoppable force, but at Wrestlemania he’s a choke artist. I suppose you could call it an Anti-Streak. Yes, I’m aware Big Show’s team won last year against the Corre, but that doesn’t count as an actual match. Anywho, Cody says he’ll show everyone how to take down a giant when he faces the Great Khali next.

Guess the Video Game #4: I HAVE FURY!!!

The Great Khali vs Cody Rhodes
Oh, fuck me with a Ganesh statue. I suppose we’ll actually see what happens when you literally wrestle a broom…that’s 7 feet tall. Cody kicks at Khali’s legs but gets caught and tossed to the mat. Khali hits a huge corner chop that hurt me, and I’m recapping this match four days after it actually happened. Cody hits a low drop kick and works over Khali’s arm and legs as the giant is stuck on the mat. Khali shoves Cody off and into the corner, which gives Rhodes an idea as he climbs to the top rope. Unfortunately, he’s met with a huge chop as he leaps and Khali takes control of this match. He calls for his finisher but Rhodes escapes to the ring apron. Khali lumbers after him, gets guillotined, kicked in the head, and drop kicked to the mat. Cody finishes things with a Beautiful Disaster and gets an impressive win.

Guess the Video Game #5: Congraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you.

Randy Orton heads to the ring in a T-shirt and his wrestling trunks. Methinks he’ll be wrestling. Instead, he grabs a mic and name-drops….his, uh, name. He talks about how he’s now the hunter being hunted by Kane. He says he has no problem whooping the Big Red Machine because he embraces hate, but he wants to know why Kane has been attacking him in the first place. Kane shows up at the ramp amidst his smoke and pyro, which admittedly looks pretty cool. Kane says his reason for attacking Orton is because of a match they had last year, wherein after he lost Kane decided to shake Orton’s hand. He says he’s no longer the kind human being he had become back then and needs closure by ending Randy Orton’s career. Orton tells him to come to the ring right now but Kane decides to wait until Wrestlemania. Wow. They were really reaching for a reason (alliteration FTW) for these two to fight. I never would have guessed THAT would have been the match that lit the fire, no pun intended.

Guess the Video Game #6: Press the button in a timely manner when landing.

Drew McIntyre vs Big Show
The man with the theme music clearly made for a star heads to the ring to face Teddy Long’s hand-picked opponent. Apparently he signed a “one year, no cut” contract last week with Johnny Ace. Does that mean he can’t be fired for losing matches? Show repeatedly body slams McIntyre but Drew gains some momentum by preventing a corner clothesline. He kicks Show around until Wight nails a huge spear. Choke slam and WMD follow, forcing the ref to deem McIntyre unable to continue. I like the little nod to poetic justice for what happened to Hornswoggle last week.

Guess the Video Game #7: Digdogger hates certain kind of sound.

Mark Henry vs Yoshi Tatsu
Ugh. Yoshi gets the jobber entrance. You know how this goes. A winner is NOT me, that’s for damn sure. This match is just so they can push Henry as a great member of Team Laurinaitis. For those not keeping track, that’s Kofi Kingston, Santino Marella, and the newly-announced R-Truth vs David Otunga, Mark Henry, and Christian so far. Henry wins with the World’s Strongest Slam.

We get a plug for Z! True Long Island Story and Ryder’s petition to get on Team Teddy Long.

Guess the Video Game #8: Sorry, I’m dead.

Chris Jericho vs Sheamus
I’m looking forward to this Royal Rumble rematch. Y2J says he’s not going to apologize for what he said about CM Punk’s pappy last week. Leave it to Jericho to use mind games to one-up his opponent. He calls Punk and the fans in the audience all Jeri-clones (brilliant! I’m mad I didn’t come up with that!) and says that once he wins the title, he’ll make a nice, stiff cocktail and toast to Punk and his alcoholic dad. That was a great promo from the king of the mic.

Guess the Video Game #9: Join the Nintendo Fun Club today! Mac.

We’re back as Sheamus heads to the ring. We catch a glimpse of some little kid without a shirt made up to look like a mini-Sheamus. Porr kid. After all, Gingers have no souls. Jericho and Sheamus lock up but Y2J gets tossed to the mat. Jericho gets whipped into the ropes and caught with a spinning elbow. He bails the ring and Sheamus gives chase. As Jericho gets into the ring, he’s met with a flying shoulder tackle over the ropes! Jericho tries running at Sheamus in the corner and goes flying over the top rope to the floor! The Great White hits his clubbing blows in the ropes and a hanging vertical suplex to continue the punishment. Despite all that, Y2J manages to toss Sheamus out of the ring and hit a baseball slide. We head to the final commercial break as Daniel Bryan ominously walks down the ramp with AJ.

Guess the Video Game #10: Pick a box. Its contents will help you on your way.

We’re back as Jericho slingshots Sheamus throat-first into the bottom rope. Jericho punches Sheamus into the corner and follows it up with a snapmare into a sleeper, but Sheamus fights out. Jericho stops his second wind with a back suplex for only a one count. We get another sleeper, but Sheamus gets to his feet and rams Jericho’s back into the corner. Y2J attempts a bulldog but gets shrugged off and tossed into the opposite corner! A series of axe handles and the Irish Curse backbreaker gets a two count for Sheamus. Jericho rakes Sheamus in the eye and goes for the Codebreaker but gets stopped. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick but gets caught in the ropes! Second rope drop kick and Lionsault from Y2J! One, two…NO! Sheamus climbs to the top rope but gets crotched as the men in the crowd cheer for Jericho. Chris goes for a superplex but gets tossed! Sheamus hits a battering ram off the top rope for two! Looking for the Celtic Cross buts gets countered into the Walls of Jericho! Sheamus actually powers out of the Walls and reaches the ropes and goes for another Celtic Cross and again Jericho escapes! Sheamus clotheslines him over the top rope and throws him toward the World Heavyweight Champion! As he stares down DB, Jericho takes advantage with a drop kick off the ring apron. Daniel Bryan hits a missile drop kick while the ref is distracted with Jericho and it results in a Count Out victory for the first-ever Undisputed Champion. Angrily, Sheamus nails a celebrating Jericho with a Brogue Kick!

That was a fun main event and, honestly, the only high point of the night. The rest of the show built upon the storylines heading into ‘Mania, which is to be expected. Still, I would have preferred at least one more decent match. Bonus points for you guys if you can guess all ten video game references!

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,