Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another amazing recap, by me, your TEMPORARY TNA Recapper, Blair A. Douglas. After the first few weeks when a replacement still hadn’t arrived, I assumed that maybe I had just gone through my entire life to this point, misunderstanding what “temporary” meant. But it turns out that the dictionary defines “temporary” as: “That which is to last for a limited time; as, a temporary statute, or one which is limited in its operation for a particular period of time after its enactment the opposite of perpetual.” So I can only assume that the wonderful management team here at this wonderful website known as Inside Pulse are working tirelessly at this very moment to bring in some reinforcements.
In the meantime, I’ve been taking some of the load off by having some guest hosts. Not lame stuff like Muppets or Dennis Miller, but my personal favorite Inside Pulse writer and yours, our very own mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a puzzle… FD Swayze!
FD Swayze: Thanks Blair, for letting me be apart of this great review. Obviously everyone in the world is excited to see the next installment of the new Batman movie! This is going to be great!!! I don’t know how you got a copy of this movie early, or why SPIKE is airing it after this JAIL show, or why you would be reviewing it on the Wrestling division of Inside Pulse, but…
… Blair, is that the TNA Impact Intro I’m watching?
… Batman is totally on his way and stuff.
You’re a dick, Blair.
Before we get started, let’s hear my…
New Rule #1: If someone appears on a wrestling show after a 2-3 week absence, it doesn’t really count as a “return”.
New Rule #2: Just because Eric Bischoff is a dick doesn’t mean that some of his dick-ish statements aren’t true.
New Rule #3: If John Cena ACTUALLY has any “personal problems” with The Rock, which I seriously doubt, they’ll blow over as soon as he gets his WrestleMania check. Speaking of blow, Cena would likely do just that to The Rock for the kind of money he will make off the last year.
New Rule #4: No one besides Joseph Hargrove is going to care if there’s no Diva match at WrestleMania.
New Rule #5: If both WWE and TNA care anything for Ric Flair, they’ll let him go to the Hall Of Fame. That’s really all there is to it. If there’s ever been a time that TNA needs to just give their heads a shake and realize that it’s not going to hurt them, since they’re not any kind of legit competition for WWE, then this is it. Not only is it completely harmless, not only is the induction going to be extremely hollow without him, but more than any of that – we all know how badly Ric needs the payday.
TNA Impact! Wrestling
Swayze’s got the matches, I’ve got everything else.
As the show opens, they recap Sting / Roode from the PPV. Which is good, because I didn’t watch the PPV. Watching this, it appears that avoiding TNA was once again the right decision. Apparently, for their main-event finish, they somewhat faked a botch? Or something? I don’t know. Typical TNA main event nonsense. Then Roode threatened Dixie Carter for some reason. I don’t know why. Sting made the save, then Roode laid him out and threatened Dixie some more. He like… pushes her around. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of end-game here. Tenay and Taz talk about how hard this is to watch, yet no one comes out to help her. It goes on for like 5 minutes. This is stupid.
Anyway, Dixie is in the back. Apparently she has some sort of announcement for tonight. I don’t know why she wouldn’t just fire him.
Here comes Dixie Carter. Fans chant for her. She’s emotional, apparently. Bobby Roode’s generic-as-shit heel routine has taken it’s toll on her. People who thought they were in line for the Back To The Future ride chant “fire Bobby”. I don’t know why she wouldn’t just fire everyone who didn’t come out to help her. Anyway, Dixie has talked to her attorneys, and some other people, trying to figure out the best thing to do. Sting’s music hits. He comes out and gives Dixie a hug. He says that firing Bobby is letting him off easy. Sting wants revenge. The crowd chants that they want revenge. Sting then says he needs to talk about the GM position, because this “isn’t working”. The crowd chants “please don’t go.”
Then we go to commercial. In the middle of this segment.
And we’re back. Sting says he did his best but at Victory Road, something happened with this company – HE CAME ALIVE!!! TNA CAME ALIVE!!! That’s actually what he said. And Dixie got emotional. The crowd chants “you still got it” and Sting says he CAN’T DO BOTH!!! These two hours a week are killing him. So Sting wants to be a “full-time” wrestler now – he gets all fired up. THEN he says he’s got a concussion and is going home… BUT he’s going to come back better than ever! Dixie is still crying. This is embarrassing. Sting says he’s resigning as GM. Dixie tearfully asks “what am I supposed to do?!?!” like she doesn’t have a ton of old wrestlers in the back. Sting says he has a replacement, someone who can take TNA to the top and who will devote 100% of his time to the company.
It’s Hulk Hogan. That just might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Didn’t Hogan steal the company from her like a year ago? Dixie is upset. She’s crying. Sting grabs her and says she has to trust him. Dixie tearfully says she trusts him.
If Dixie doesnt kick him in the balls, she’s the stupidest TV character ever.
In the back, Bully Ray is pacing. He says he’s not taking hostages tonight. He says he’s going to run down everyone in his way.
4-Way X-Division Championship Match
Austin Aries .vs. Zema Ion .vs. Austin Aries .vs. Elliot Neese
My money is on Elliot Nesse. He took down Capone. They do commercials in between the intros because the people who produce this show are horrible. I wasn’t a big fan of Kid Kash in ECW, but I loved his first TNA run. His gimmick was bringing out this girl and slapping the shit out of her while the fat ladies in the crowd yelled out for his blood. It was great. Aries? He’s cool. Zema Ion? Reminds me of that crappy dink ZIMA. So screw that guy.
These four guys…they are jumping all over the place. You’ve seen these matches before. Zema did like some kind of gang sign thing before he did a backflip off the apron onto some other guys. That’s stupid. He’s not in a gang.
Tower Of Doom spot. Do you know the first TNA match that took place in? Also, do you know who actually invented it? Like was it used somewhere before TNA did it? I know the first TNA match it occured in, but I’m not sure if someone else didn’t actually pull it off first somewhere else. Sound off in the comments I guess if you know.
Bubba Ray comes down and beats up everyone. So this was all a waste of time. Awesome. This is fucking easy.
Winner: No One As Usual
Bully Ray introduces himself for any Alzheimers patients in the crowd.
Mexican America is in the back. The guy from a repo reality show is about to tow their car. I swear to God I didn’t make that up. The guy asks him a question, and says they can get their car back if they get it right. So he asks them questions, that just happen to be about Mexico. Anarquia gets the first one right, the second one wrong, and the third question illustrates his inability to spell. The repo guy says he’s towing their car. Anarquia says that when they win their matches tonight, they will pay the repo guy to save their car. Because TNA pays in cash as soon as the wrestlers leave the ring. And either wrestlers or Mexicans or both are retards who can’t make their car payments. Hilariously though, the repo guy ends the segment by being like “Uh… okay, fine. Go do your… wrestling thing.”
TNA Knockout Tag-Team Title / Possible Car Reposession Match
ODB & Eric Young .vs. Sarita & Rosita
Eric Young is in the women’s division now? They are doing a wedding thing? Wow. I was expecting nothing, and all of that was certainly something. Just…wow.
So the match starts with one Rosita and ODB. I know it’s Rosita because she has written her name clearly on her ass, which I admittedly am staring at. They aren’t really wrestling. Just alot of pushing and shoving. Now Sarita is in, and she’s just droppin’ some serious elbows. Eric Young is a woman now? Does he fight the other girls?
Well let’s find out! He just tagged in. He does some cartwheels. He does some more cartwheels. He is stripping. He is getting hit on by Sarita and Rosita. It’s working. ODB is jealous so she beats up the two girls. Now she’s mad at Eric. Because they are getting married.
Somebody’s getting married! Somebody’s getting married? Somebody’s gettin, somebody’s gettin, somebody’s gettin’…oh wait, Eric just pinned Rosita I think. That was for some kind of title possibly, but who can be sure with Eric Young. Maybe Eric Young is some kind of prodigy that is so amazing winning the title and being the star of the show is almost boring to him. So he goes out of his way to challenge himself.
TNA PRODUCER: Eric, we were thinking about running you against Roode, and eventually having you take the title. We really want to start focusing the show around you.
ERIC YOUNG: Screw that man. Listen to this idea! Put me in the women’s division.
TNA PRODUCER: You can’t fight the girls!
ERIC YOUNG: Exactly.
TNA PRODUCER: My God… that’s… BRILLIANT! Maybe we can stack a wedding angle onto it.
ERIC YOUNG: It will be my Revolution #9.
Yeah, that’s probably what happened. I thought the match was ridiculous, so I guess I’m stupid? That means…that match was good? 4.23 stars then. Not quite a quarter.
Winners: It’s an Eric Young match, so it’s hard to say.
They make out.
At one point during the match, Tenay asked Taz what he was getting ODB and Eric Young for their wedding. Taz said that they’d be lucky if he sent a tweet. That was awesome.
During the match, TNA cameras caught up with Dixie Carter and Sting. We’ll get to see yet more of that fun stuff… after the commercial.
After the commercial, we show Crimson turning on Morgan at the PPV. Now Crimson is watching Matt Morgan Direct Auto Insurance commercials. Who pays insurance in CASH? Crimson says that Matt Morgan is trying to launch his “Hollywood Career”… with insurance commercials. Holy shit. That physically hurt to hear. Anyway, Crimson is mad because Matt Morgan started “cluttering” his life. Crimson is happy. Until Matt Morgan shows up and kicks his ass, and yells at him that he’s done.
We recap the EMOTION from earlier tonight between Sting and Dixie. Backstage, Dixie says that she understands what Sting means, but doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do and doesn’t know what’s going on. You’d think she’d be used to this kind of thing by now.
Backstage, Jeff Hardy talks about Kurt Angle beating him by cheating on Sunday. Hardy wants him in a cage match. Abyss’ brother shows up and introduces himself. Abyss’ brother says his “research” shows that Hardy and himself had a lot of brutal matches in TNA. He asks Jeff if he knows where Abyss is. Hardy doesn’t.
Storm / Roode video package.
Storm comes out to a nice reaction. Storm doesn’t like that football should only be 18 months long, he thinks it should be year-round. Storm doesn’t like that families can work 40 hours a week but can’t go on vacation because gas is expensive.
Is this like Redneck Seinfeld?
Storm says that Roode was wrong for what he did to Sting and to Dixie. He then tells Roode that he’s looking at the next World Champion. He calls Roode out. Some guy in a suit comes out.
It’s an hour in?!?! I’ve only done two matches. This is awesome!
Storm asks who he is. The guy says he’s William Kelly. He’s Roode’s legal advisor. He talks like a wrestler. William says that Roode is staying in Toronto until further notice because TNA has created an unsafe working environment. He says he’ll be at the PPV. Two wrestlers have contacted Roode about facing Storm – Daniels and Kazarian. Storm gets to choose who he fights. Or he could just tell this guy to fuck right off. But dumb redneck that he is, Storm is going to fight both of them at once so that he doesn’t have to worry about it next week. Storm wants a pen so he can write a message to Roode. He can’t find a pen. So he kicks the lawyer in the face and gives his catchphrase.
Backstage, Angle cuts another promo on Jeff Hardy. Angle says he never loses. The camera guy says that a few weeks ago, Garrett won the 5-minute challenge. Angle goes “WHO SAID THAT?!!” and the camera guy is like “We saw it, druggie. It was on TV. We were all there.” Angle goes “OH REALLY?!?!” Then he finds Garrett and asks if he’s been telling people that he beat Angle. Garrett is like “I did beat you, dumbass.” and Angle just keeps being drunk. It’s like all the time now. Angle says he wants to fight him again. Garrett says okay. Angle says he hates him and walks off. Segment over.
YES!!! A MATCH!!!
3-Minute Challenge Match
Garrett Bischoff .vs. Kurt Angle
We continue the trend of having matches that aren’t really matches here on the show where ‘Wrestling Matters’. This is like some kind of three minute challenge. Given what we saw of Angle backstage, it’s apparent he’s drunk. So this should be fun. They have a little clock and everything.
Oh wait, it’s gone. It’s back now. Nothing to talk about really. Nothing is happening. Two minutes left. Bischoff’s kid explodes! He does all kinds of clotheslines. He goes for the pin. One…two… IT WAS SO CLOSE! I thought for sure Angle was going to lose to like five seconds of offense.
Angle smacks him and clotheslines him over the ropes. Now Bischoff’s kid is waiting outside. How could TNA ruin this? Like it’s just three minutes. They can’t do something stupid every three minutes can they?
Yes they can! Gunner runs down and beats on Garrett’s kid. We got a disqualification in a three minute nothing challenge where the first minute was literally nothing. That was over before the three minute mark. I know because of the clock on the screen they could only get to work for about thirty seconds. Then Jeff Hardy runs out. And Angle and Gunner, who have already beaten the crap out of Eric’s kid, run in terror of him. Of Jeff ‘AH’M STILL STANDIN TAYKUR’ Hardy? TNA, you have really outdone yourselves. Bravo.
Winner: Garrett Bischoff
Jeff Hardy helps Garrett up.
Tenay says Hulk Hogan is on his way to the Impact Zone. Because like Sting says, he will devote 100% to TNA. As long as that doesn’t involve showing up for the first 75% of the show.
Commercial. 5th Assketball commercial so far tonight.
Pretty cool MotorCity MachineGuns ad.
TNA World Tag-Team Title / Possible Car Repossession Match
Hernandez & Anarquia (w/ Sarita & Rosita) .vs. Magnus & Samoa Joe
This is what Samoa Joe does now? This is the result of all those pushes?!?
There seems to be alot of anger and rage these days. You know what it is? Well, this may seem hard to believe, but it’s because of cellphones. Surprised? See, when we had the big phones where they sat on a big receiver, when you were angry at someone you were talking to, you could just slam down the phone. Slamming that phone down was actually letting people release alot of stress.
These days, we just have to push a button or flip a piece of plastic. It doesn’t give you that same relief or release of stress that we so desperately need. According to a survey I just made up, crime is up 98% since the rampant takeover of the cellphone on our everyday lives. Where to get that stress release? It’s simple. Legallize abuse of the elderly. I mean, they are old anyway. Right?
That was just something I was thinking about during this match instead of paying attention to it like I should have been. Sorry. I think Samoa Joe and Magnus won.
Winners & Still TNA World Tag-Team Champions: Samoa Joe & Magnus
Backstage, someone asks Hogan what he thinks about being GM. Hogan says he has no idea what they’re talking about. He’s only there because Sting called him. He doesn’t watch Impact either apparently. 100%.
Repo guy takes the girls out to the parking lot… and sets them down. Hernandez and Anarquia chase him out and beg him not to take the car. He says he’s taking the car. Anarquia tries to punch him. He misses. Then for some reason, the repo guy walks PAST his truck… WITH the Mexican girls, who apparently have done a complete 180 without any indication up until now. One of them says something along the lines of “no money, no honey”. What the fuck?!?!
James Storm country-music video package.
James Storm .vs. Kazarian & Christopher Daniels
Storm comes out swinging. He’s doing good for a bit. But it’s two guys, so he starts getting beat up. I think Storm only had to face one of these guys. But he specifically wanted a handicap match. It wasn’t a punishment or anything. And now he’s getting beat up.
Daniels and Kaz are arguing. I have no idea why. They are winning. Well, they were winning. Something tells me after this argument they won’t be. And…Daniels dives into the post. Superkick. It’s over.
Winner: James Storm
Backstage, Sting, Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan are all on their way to the ring.
Sting comes out. Dixie Carter comes out to a really terrible theme song, even though she didn’t have a theme song earlier. Sting says he’s known Hogan for 20 years… but… and I swear to God this is what he said… during the LAST SIX MONTHS, we’ve seen the real Hulk Hogan. Sting’s looked into his eyes. Sting has looked into his heart. Sting has looked into his soul. Dixie says that it’s been her and Sting from the beginning (it hasn’t) and that Sting has never let her down (he has) and that if Sting trusts Hogan, then Dixie trusts Sting. She says let’s go for it.
Hogan comes out. Crowd chants. Sting gets the crowd to chant some more. Hogan looks teary.
And… show over. Hogan didn’t say anything. The 100% effort that Sting promised doesn’t include talking.
Did she fall for this? Think about this for a second. The story is that Hogan tried to steal this company and went to her house, had her thrown out of buildings and had guys beat up her husband. Multiple times.
Bobby Roode on the other hand, almost hit a guy with a chair after he had a match with him. And she needs HOGAN, who did all of the above, to pay back Roode in a “better” way somehow, rather than just firing him or ignoring him, or just making a match for him against 10 guys who would just beat the shit out of him. That was like watching two con men work a prison.
It also bears mentioning that Sting, along with Kevin Nash, ABANDONED Dixie Carter to Hulk Hogan after he took over the show with Bischoff. So he actually has let her down. In a major way. I’m just saying.
Well, that’s it for another amazing TNA Impact Wrestling recap. Even moreso than usual, this was a complete Aligator Fuckhouse. It’s like the show is a sentient being in itself, that is just on speed.
I’d like to thank my man FD Swayze for joining me. Remember to comment, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas. This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.
I’ll be in my trailer.