The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 04.30.12


The pre-show highlights of Cena’s interview last night seem to show him with a weird skin condition that turns him into the Grey Hulk.

Live from Dayton, OH

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Big Johnny starts us out, as he has revolutionized the sport in ONE NIGHT, thanks to Brock Lesnar and People Power.  This brings out Brock, but before he can read his lines, they’re interrupted by COOHHH.  He’s doing what Johnny doesn’t have the guts to do, taking away all of Brock’s contract demands (apparently the name of the show has always been “Monday Night RAW” despite them calling it “RAW Supershow” for more than six months now) and tearing up the new contract because there was no authority to grant any of it.  So HHH offers him the chance to take his ball and go home and reminds us that he lost to Cena last night.  Johnny tries to stand up for Brock, but Lesnar takes matters into his own hands and beats on HHH, putting him in a kimura until the babyfaces make the save.  So there’s your Over The Limit main event.

Eve announces that tonight will feature the good old Beat The Clock challenges for the title shot at CM Punk.  I always like these because at least people are in competition for something.

Beat the Clock:  The Miz v. Santino Marella

And here comes the 50/50 booking.  Santino takes Miz down for a couple of covers, but Miz slugs him down and follows with a kneelift for two.  Miz comes back with a rollup for two, but Miz gets a neckbreaker for two.  Miz with the corner clothesline and he goes up with a double axehandle for two and pounds him down for two.  He goes to the chinlock, which even Lawler sees as a bad move in a timed match, but Santino makes the comeback with a stungun to set up the Cobra.  It misses and Miz rolls him up for two, but it’s reversed for two.  Miz finishes with the Finale at 4:19.  This was fine.  **

Divas title:  Layla v. Nikki Bella v. Brie Bella

The Bellas turn on each other and Layla rolls one of them up for the pin at 0:10.  Must make them feel good to get 10 seconds like that.

Beat the Clock:  Chris Jericho v. Big Show

Show pounds away in the corner and gets a slam for two, but Jericho dropkicks the knee for two.  Jericho goes up and gets chopped on the way down, but Show misses a pump splash.  Lionsault gets two.  Jericho tries the Walls, but Show reverses to a rollup for two.  Jericho stomps him down, but Show gets a spear for two.  Jericho tries the codebreaker, but Show powers out of it, and they tumble to the floor.  Jericho beats the count, but doesn’t beat the clock.  Or maybe he does, I’m not really clear on it.  Just a match.  *1/2

Brodus Clay v. JTG

And we’re back to this for Clay.  Usual squash for Brodus at 1:38, and then kids from the audience dance with him.

Another look at the Cena promo from the end of Extreme Rules.  And then for a THIRD time, we get the HHH-Brock segment from earlier tonight.

Beat the Clock:  Randy Orton v. Jack Swagger

Orton gets a quick rollup, then survives a beating in the corner and rolls him up again.  Swaggerbomb gets two.  Orton reverses the powerbomb into a backbreaker for two, but Swagger clips the knee for two.  Swagger slugs away in the corner and starts working on the arm, and SHOOTS THE HALF for two.  Vince would be so proud.  Orton makes the comeback with the powerslam and draping DDT, and he wastes time with the RKO dance, allowing Swagger to get the anklelock.  Orton escapes and gets the RKO at 4:16 to set the new time.  Another rushed, junky match.  *1/2

WWE tag titles:  Primo & Epico v. Kofi Kingston & R-Truth

In a shocking development, the Bella Twins have been fired on during this match.  So last night they swerved the people who would know Kharma was coming back, but try to pretend like those same people wouldn’t know that the Bellas contract was expiring?  Truth dumps the champs and we take a break.  Back with the champs double-teaming Truth in the corner and Primo gets a dropkick for two.  Primo stomps him down for two, but walks into a leg lariat and it’s hot tag Kofi.  Boomdrop for Epico and the wacky kick wins the titles at 6:29.  Shouldn’t this have been Santino & Ryder getting the title shot after last week?  Whatever, no one cares about the titles anyway.  **

Meanwhile, AW confronts Epico & Primo, but we don’t find out the result of the conversation.  That, by the way, was the only thing actually promoted beforehand on this show, so of course they don’t pay it off.

Beat the Clock:  Kane v. The Great Khali

Khali pounds him in the corner, but Kane dropkicks the knee and pounds him down for two.  Kane with a chinlock on the mat and the flying clothesline for two.  Kane aimlessly pounds away as Lawler says “crunch time” about a dozen times.  Khali gets the chop to send Kane running and they choke each other out as the clock runs out.  Absolutely terrible.  -*

Beat the Clock:  Daniel Bryan v. Jerry Lawler

Well that’s random.  Was Zack Ryder busy fixing his hair?  Bryan slugs away in the corner and gets the corner dropkick for two.  King fires back, but Bryan gets a snapmare for two.  He drops knees for two.  Lawler comes back with the dropkick for two and dodges a charging Bryan, and it’s fistdrop time for two.  Piledriver is reversed and Bryan kicks his head off and finishes with the YES LOCK to earn the title shot.  I may have to order that PPV now, although they’re gonna need a hell of a main event above that.

Once again, let’s watch the Brock Lesnar attack on HHH from earlier tonight.  HHH has a broken arm, but he can still hold down the midcard with his good arm.  But will he ever crotch-chop again?

John Cena is still here, albeit with a sling on his arm while he cracks jokes.  Big Johnny comes out to announce Cena’s opponent for the PPV, and Cena guesses Zeus to commemorate the release of No Holds Barred on DVD.  Big Johnny notes that Cena should be thanking him for trying to motivate him.  Cena does a pretty good impression of Big Johnny, and we learn that Cena’s opponent is Big Johnny himself.  Uh…OK then.  Lord Tensai comes out and further injures the arm, and Ace attacks for the heel beatdown.  I’m calling this one as the new champion of lowest buyrate in the modern era right now.

The Pulse

Wow, that show pretty much siphoned off any excitement I had remaining after last night’s awesome show.  Cena beats the unbeatable monster and doesn’t even take a night off, moving on to face retired wrestler Johnny Ace.  That’s just great.  Overall, a whole lot of crappy wrestling setting up a main event that no one wants to see on a PPV that no one is going to watch.  Hope the $5 million for Brock was worth it.

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