We’ve got a brand-new banner up in this sumbitch! A special shout-out to Penny Sautereau-Fife for the totally bizarre, yet completely appropriate image you’ll see from now on promoting our column. She’s also responsible for the sweet Stomping Ground image which I will totally bring with me to whatever website I will eventually sneak off to when I’ve overstayed my welcome here at the Pulse. Without further ado, let’s get started with the sophomoric humor…….
John Laurinaitis comes out and is upset about what the Board of Directors has decided in regards to his match with John Cena at Over The Limit. CM Punk interrupts and Johnny Ace puts him in a match with Kane tonight. Ace then insults the crowd for booing him.
Mike: We’re back after a week without Kelly and I’ve still got my sanity!
Kelly: Glad to be back. You know, kind of.
Mike: Of course, of course. Here comes Big Johnny, and I couldn’t care less. We all know Big Show will get his job back after helping Laurinaitis on Sunday.
Kelly: I hope he gets fired. Then I can stop botching the spelling of his name. Laurenitus. Laiueyrentitus.
Mike: Longitude.
Kelly: Albuquerque.
Mike: Lilliputian.
Kelly: Snorkel. Punk is in the house.
Mike: Yay! A CM Punk appearance on Smackdown is a win for me!
Kelly: It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?
Mike: I hate how they think we’re stupid. Why doesn’t Punk come right out and say, “I expect you to get Big Show to help you out”?
Kelly: Most of us ARE stupid.
Mike: Not me.
Kelly: I am. Why? Because I have a vagina.
Mike: She said it, folks, not me. Looks like Punk tries to get a match out of Kane tonight.
Kelly: Even though Punk is gone, Luhrenitis keeps on talking, this time chastising the WWE Universe.
Mike: Just five nights ago he said he didn’t care about the fans, and now he says he’s done everything to placate us. Hypocrite!
Kelly: I love logic.
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs Titus O’Neil and Darren Young
Kelly: Can I just say something about the “Did You Know” section this week? Calculating that more women watched WWE than Oxygen, Hallmark, WE, Food Network, and OWN…just rude. I don’t watch ANY of those damn channels. Assfucks.
Mike: Ah, the Estrogen Networks. I love that you are so anti-stereotype.
Kelly: The only thing I ever, EVER watched on OWN was Oprah’s interview with George Lucas at Skywalker Ranch. And she even managed to shove her shriveled ovaries into that!
Mike: Lovely. Hey, there’s a match going on!
Kelly: Speaking of stereotypes…Truth and Kofi are up against Titus and Young.
Mike: Don’t fight, gentlemen! It’s just what The Man wants you to do! Haven’t they seen Undercover Brother?
Kelly: I watched that once. When I was a teen. And I was really high.
Mike: O’Neil and Young are silenced with the Lie Detector and the champs get the win.
Kelly: Despite the length, not bad.
Damien Sandow refuses to fight Yoshi Tatsu. Tatsu calls him a chicken and Sandow attacks with a neckbreaker and…hot pink tights?!
Mike: Here comes Damien Sandow, the guy we apparently pop a boner for. At least, that’s what Blair thinks.
Kelly: No boners were popped. I actually like his entrance song better on FSW’s Dexter Verity, but that’s a completely different story.
Mike: Good job sneaking in a cheap pop.
Kelly: It is what I do. And refusing to wrestle is apparently what Sandow does.
Mike: Yoshi Tatsu just called him a chicken!
Kelly: Sandow is pissed, and attacks in his sassy pink trunks!
Mike: Yeah, what the fuck is up with those tights? They’re brutal.
Matt Striker interviews both Sheamus and Randy Orton before their match later tonight.
Mike: Matt Striker backstage with Sheamus and Randy Orton.
Kelly: Striker looks like a dwarf next to Randy and Sheamus.
Mike: That’s how I stack up next to my 8th graders.
Kelly: You know, I saw a verbal argument like this between two redneck chicks in Traffic Survival School once.
Mike: Well, you do live in Arizona.
Kelly: Exactly.
Zack Ryder vs Daniel Bryan
Kelly: Zack Ryder against Daniel Bryan? Strangely, I like.
Mike: Time to feed Ryder to the American Dragon.
Kelly: Ryder’s already eating mat.
Mike: There’s a gross sexual joke somewhere in that statement.
Kelly: I’m sure if we dig deep, we can find it, but we’re too classy.
Mike: Sweet drop kick from Ryder! See? This is the kind of opponent Bryan needs to showcase his skills against.
Kelly: Yes Lock, and it’s over. This was a nice change of pace from the usual, “These guys again?” that we’ve become used to.
CM Punk vs Kane
Mike: Daniel Bryan joins us on commentary for the next match.
Kelly: And The Joker is sitting in the audience, it seems.
Mike: Nah, that’s Sting.
Kelly: Punk in the ring, and Kane follows.
Mike: I used to get chills when Masked Kane came to the ring back in the late ’90s. Now? Not so much.
Kelly: My ex-boyfriend is Kane’s doppelganger. So, I don’t see him the way I should, either.
Mike: You scarred the poor guy by setting him on fire?!
Kelly: Not yet.
Mike: Yikes.
Mike: Punk is in control against the Big Red Machine.
Kelly: Punk is launched out of the ring, giving Kane the upper hand for a moment.
Mike: I like how Daniel Bryan is actually giving his opponent credit. Very rare in a heel.
Kelly: Punk keeps trying to strike but is stopped every time…
Mike: Punk with a top rope bulldog for two!
Kelly: Kane over Punk’s shoulders, but Punk’s rib hinders him.
Mike: Kane nails a big boot for two, and now he’s propping the champ on the turnbuckle.
Kelly: Kane hits the mat! Punk climbs…
Mike: Big elbow drop for two! Punk goes for the Anaconda Vise but Kane powers out!
Kelly: Every time you say Punk does something for two, I picture him pregnant.
Mike: Gross. Punk nails a suicide dive to the outside!
Kelly: Daniel Bryan grabs a chair, but hits Kane. He then shoves the chair into Punk’s hand and scuttles away, where Kane blames Punk and attacks.
Mike: Kane has just destroyed Punk with the chair and TWO choke slams. Ow.
Kelly: Delightful.
Santino Marella vs Cody Rhodes
Kelly: I love Santino’s power walk more than I should.
Mike: And he’s making out with the United States Championship.
Kelly: Mister Cody Rhodes enters next.
Mike: Which title belt is more important in your eyes?
Kelly: Intercontinental. I like to pretend the US Title doesn’t exist. It’s at the same level as the Divas Title.
Mike: That’s sad, considering how much history the US title has. But this is the WWE, and we know what takes priority.
Kelly: It’s just been a joke for so long.
Mike: And Santino picks up the upset victory!
Kelly: Poor Cody.
Mike: He’ll live. He has the brighter future of the two.
A recap of Big Show’s “firing” is next. This time, luckily, it only takes about 3 minutes instead of 30.
Kelly: Just so you all know, I have a mad case of the hiccups right now, so if I disappear, it’s because I’ve gone into a rage-coma.
Mike: And not at all because she’s drinking heavily and passing out.
Kelly: Only a beer and a half in, thanks to a crazy work day. Wooo, so wasted!
Mike: Here we go. The recap of Big Show’s cry-fest from Monday night.
Kelly: Call me crazy, but it makes me kind of sad.
Mike: Me too. Sad that I had to waste 20 minutes of my life.
Kelly: Oh, get a heart.
Mike: I have one. I put up with you, don’t I?
Kelly: You put up with me because I have big tits.
Mike: They do make great flotation devices.
Randy Orton vs Sheamus
Mike: Looks like we’re getting a decent 30-minute match tonight. You know, before Jericho and del Rio cause a no contest.
Kelly: Golly, I hope so. I need my Caramel Thunder.
Mike: Sheamus hits a shoulder tackle but eats a drop kick as both men try to get the upper hand.
Kelly: This is the third time the ref has had to separate the two from the corner.
Mike: Orton misses a knee drop and Sheamus takes control.
Kelly: Fourth time.
Mike: Sheamus pulls Orton out of the ring and whips him into the steps!
Kelly: Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick but meets the post instead. Now he’s draped over the steel steps.
Mike: Sheamus is trapped in the ropes and Randy goes to work on Sheamus’s shoulder.
Kelly: Randy’s love affair with Sheamus’s left arm continues.
Mike: At least you’re over your love of the Viper.
Kelly: Oh dear god. For the record, folks…Randy has never been and will never be, my type.
Mike: Obviously. He looks like a Ritz cracker that’s been left out in the sun.
Kelly: Ha!
Mike: Oh God, really? SyFy is premiering “American Warships” this Saturday. I love these shameless Hollywood blockbuster ripoffs.
Kelly: I’ll pretend to know what the hell you are talking about later. Right now, we’re back in the action.
Mike: Sheamus is in control and the crowd is clapping to support Orton.
Kelly: Orton is hoisted over Sheamus’s shoulders, and boom! That is my favorite move, and I can never remember what it’s called. Rolling fireman’s carry slam?
Mike: Did Booker T say he’s “endearing” the pain? Jesus.
Kelly: These two are going back and forth so much.
Mike: This is a PPV-quality match.
Kelly: This is definitely more interesting than Randy has been in months.
Mike: Lots of near falls here.
Kelly: The rise and fall is magnificent.
Mike: Like my penis. TMI?
Kelly: SFI.
Mike: SFI?
Kelly: Slightly fabricated information.
Mike: That’s slander!
Kelly: And truthful.
Mike: Orton sidesteps the Brogue Kick and traps the Great White in the ropes for the hanging DDT!
Kelly: Wow! RKO, misses. Brogue Kick, misses. RKO, misses. Sheamus rolls Orton up into a little ball for the victory.
Mike: Wow. I did NOT expect a clean victory. Color me happy and impressed.
Kelly: I still have the hiccups.
Mike: I have that effect on women.
Kelly: The two shake hands and Randy strikes with an RKO to close it out.
Final Thoughts
Mike: Folks, THAT was how Smackdown should play out. What a great show.
Kelly: I completely agree. This Smackdown was effortless to watch…no easy feat.
Mike: No backstage bullshit, no stupid drama…this ran smoothly.
Kelly: I don’t like it…it gives me hope that OTL will be pretty good on Sunday.
Mike: Why is that a bad thing?
Kelly: Because it’s the WWE. They’ll break your heart, every time.
Mike: Like a hot Latina. I should know.
Kelly: I’m not Latina.
Mike: You’re not who I was talking about.
Kelly: Aw, rats.
Mike: Anywho, I think it’s time to wrap this up.
Kelly: Not before we high-five the magnificent Penny for creating our new graphics!
Mike: Yup. I can’t wait to hear what you guys have to say about it.
Kelly: We’ll be back next week with more awesomeness.
Mike: Yeah, and thank god only Raw is expanding to three hours. Can you imagine if we had to tack on another hour’s worth of ad-libbing?
Kelly: Holy balls, is it really? I really need to turn Raw on once and a while.
Mike: Raw officially goes 3 hours after the 1,000th episode this summer.
Kelly: I don’t even want to imagine what kind of shit they’ll fill their time with.
Mike: An extra Divas match and 40 minutes of recaps.
Kelly: Touche.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
