The Bachelorette 2012 Review – Emily Maynard – Episode 4

Let’s see now, where were we?  I believe we left off last week with Arie being a clear front runner, Blaine sporting lip gloss, Joe ugly-crying his way back to loneliness and Emily having a clearer picture of what she’s looking for…thanks to her being able to see her reflection in the foreheads of every remaining guy.

This week, we jetted off to Bermuda, to kick the season into full-on fantasy mode.  Right off the bat, I thought I had seen a mirage on the beach as Emily’s ‘MOMMY LOVES DICK’ message was revealed in the sand, but as the camera panned further back, I realized ‘DICK’ was actually ‘RICKI’.  Shoulda known.  Wishful thinking.

Of course it said ‘Mommy loves Ricki’.  What was I thinking?  And in case we weren’t sure just how much, here’s a reminder.  Mommy and Ricki at the pool.  Mommy and Ricki doing homework.  Mommy and Ricki looking at baby chicks.  Mommy running in wedges.  Isn’t it someone’s bedtime yet?  Besides mine?

As the guys settled into the hideous floral pillows back in Charlotte and Michael revealed his alarming yellow headband (what is this, the 20 Minute Workout?), they find out the exciting news about Bermuda and their forthcoming trip around the world and react…barely.  I swear this has to be the least rowdy group of guys on any season.  Am I wrong?  Where are the laughs?  Where is the immature ball-grabbing and incessant drinking?

Anyways, off they go to Bermuda – thank God Travis’s egg had blown its load on the steps the other night, otherwise he probably would have had to pay for an extra seat.

Once the boys settle into the house it doesn’t take long before tension rises and the weather mirrors the storm that is Ryan’s ego and Doug’s tantrum brewing in the air.

The first date card arrives and Alessandro (I know, really?) is nervous because he ‘is one of the only guys who hasn’t had a one on one’…um, did I miss an episode?  I think there’s been like three one on ones.  Go harvest a Portobello or something and simmer down.

Doug gets the first one on one and while I thought he’d be excited, it seems to plunge him into the world of his adolescent self and we are forced to watch him deal with what he would call teasing (and what others call talking) by trying to swat it away like an annoying mosquito.  What is his problem?  Have I missed the joke?  At one point I thought Arie was going to have to raise his (alarmingly hairy) arms and defend himself.  I thought the whole scene was a bit weird, but if anything it revealed what I’m sure any of his ex girlfriends would have no hesitation sharing as a fault of his – adult tantrums.  Hot.

So off Emily (who I’m sorry, but is looking really plastic these days) and Doug and her ginormous boobs go on their walking tour of Bermuda centered around (what else?); picking out toys for their kids and writing a postcard for Doug’s son, Austin.  While I do think the post card idea was cute, has Emily thought this through?  What if it doesn’t work out between the two of them?  What sort of message of false hope is this ‘thanks for letting me do your dad’ post card   sending?  The poor kid’s probably going to have it right up there on his bulletin board for the rest of his life.  I can’t see Emily allowing any of these guys to send something that personal to Ricki at this stage (though apparently stalking her sporting events from a distance is perfectly acceptable).

The glee Doug experienced mixing his own fragrance should have been a bit of an alarm bell for Emily, not to mention him revealing a teensy bit of anger management issues as he confessed the tension in the house but that didn’t seem to deter Emily from having a wonderful time, punctuating ever sentence with jovial agreement – ‘I know, right???’  Man, when she likes a phrase, she certainly does latch onto it.

Dinner consists of the two of them trying to outdo each other with their ‘faults’.  His ‘I’m too good of a dad’ is the dating equivalent to the ‘I’m a perfectionist’ answer on a job interview.  You ain’t fooling anyone, buddy.  Being a good dad and not washing a girl’s car are not exactly tough pills to swallow.  But as challenging as it clearly is for Doug to name his faults, it’s similar for Emily.  Just in case we didn’t slightly loathe her prior to that moment, her ‘I don’t work out’ comment pretty much seals the deal for me.

Despite Doug’s adorable smile, he reveals to us that it’s a cardinal rule of his not to make the first move.  Um…here’s a thought, Dougie.  How about your fault is that you have a vagina. You never kiss the girl first???  Awesome.  We were relying on the guys this season to spice things up.  Guess we can kiss that dream goodbye.

Group date time and tensions are high.  I’m thinking the only one who may feel at home on a sailboat is Blaine (yup, still calling him that) but turns out despite his owning the perfect shoe for the occasion, he has no idea about sailing and would probably prefer to hang out in a Barney’s window display modeling yachting clothes over actually getting on a boat. So this is where the guys get a chance to compete with each other, go back to their primal instincts, flex their muscles (even Ryan’s neck appears wider, if that’s possible) and trash talk each other all the way to second place – you know – all the qualities a girl looks for in a guy.

Sean looks damn fine on the sailboat, as do a few of the other guys and I’m a bit sad when his team loses just because it means I don’t get to look at his pretty smile for much longer.  He trudges back to the hotel professing that he would have given his right leg to pop champagne with Emily (Really?  Your right leg?  A bit dramatic, no?) and Charlie demonstrates that it’s time to book a follow up appointment with his neurologist to check the screws in his brain as he bawls his eyes out on the way back.  Maybe while he’s there he should pay a visit to his gynecologist too?  Just sayin’.

Regardless, thrilled that our boy Arie is on the winning boat so we can watch him exude his confident swagger just a bit longer, cup Emily’s face in his hands while kissing her (swoon) and piss off oblivious Ryan.

The evening portion reveals quite a bit.  First of all, think back to Ryan’s first impression on night one, a mere four weeks ago (has it been that long?  Time sure does fly when you’re utterly bored…) Here is what I thought of him and I’m sure you agreed because let’s face it, I can basically read your soul:

“I like this guy.  Ryan seemed very soft spoken, is one of the prettier boys, and he BY FAR gets my vote for the most adorable intro to Emily of the night.  His note proclaiming her beauty and his nervousness totally had me at hello and was actually the first gimmicky first impression that I didn’t want to beat myself over.  Yup.  I like him.” 

Now think about him in the past few episodes.  There is no way he was actually nervous meeting Emily that night since he was probably too busy scoping out the mansion for his own season of The Bachelor.  What I once thought was pretty, is now a little too angry Incredible Hulk for me – his neck is wider than Mama Grenade’s thigh from last week!  Then again, I’d also be pretty pissed if I just couldn’t get that one chunk of hair at the back of my head to settle down.

Throughout the date, Ryan continues to make a fool of himself telling us he’s pretty good at everything he does (except clearly his hair).  I don’t even know what to do with half the things he said but he is in desperate need of some perspective.  He tells us Emily’s been given a great deal responsibility and he wants to see her do something with it?  He wants her to use this opportunity to impact lots of people?  She’s not building orphanages in Africa, dude.  She’s on a dating show.  Either way, as he snuggles up with his ego (oh, and Emily), he clarifies that he’s not here to impress her, but rather to make an impression upon her.  Well, mission accomplished with both of those goals, Buddy.  When he tries to get flirty with her, he basically ends up insulting her and reiterating the importance of her not getting fat.  ‘God designed you to be a beautiful woman,’ he tells her.  Actually, let’s be honest.  A series of very talented doctors did.

Finally (yay!), Arie leads Emily off to the beach for some alone time and they look like an adorable comfortable couple that’s been together forever, despite the freshly shorn sheep they can’t seem to fit around their shoulders.  You can tell when Emily talks he is just looking into her soul and is completely unaffected by anything going on with the other guys.  I think that’s the hottest thing about him.  Well, one of.

The illusive Jef gets some beach time next and in all my years of watching the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I think he is the first one to actually cut the time short and ask if they should head back.  Usually these dates are like musical chairs and the guys can’t wait to steal the prize from each other but here’s Jef, looking like a cross between a rooster and Bruno Mars’ lesbian sister all ‘sooo…wanna head back?’  What’s his deal?  Why won’t he kiss her?  Is he taking his cues from Doug?  Or, in the immortal words of Cuba Gooding Junior, is he afraid of shoplifting the pootie from a single mom?  I don’t get it.  Either way, clearly he still has some sort of effect on her, because before she’s had a chance to spend time with the rest of the guys, including Blaine’s giant chin, she gives the rose to Jef.

Finally it’s two-on-one date time.  In one corner, we’ve got the wolf man, moisturizing his nerves away and in another corner – who’s that?  Nate?  Why, I’ve never seen that guy before in my life.  Moving on.

Hey, I have an idea.  Why don’t we take an awkward situation and make it even worse?  Sure we could go to a restaurant where despite the uncomfortable tension maybe there’s some music in the background, the clatter of dishes, or servers milling around to fill the silences.  OR, we could go to a cave where there’s absolute deafening silence and not one thing to distract us from the brutalness of the moment.  Oh and while we’re at it, let’s use a five foot table and sit side by side like Thanksgiving dinner on a sit com, so we’re all facing the same way and we have to turn our backs to each other to have conversation.  As Emily, would say; awesome!!!

The only interesting part of the night for me was the fact that when she finally slithered over to a slimy rock to have her one-on-one time with Nate she was wearing flat sandals and when she met with Jon right after she was wearing full on platform stilettos.  Anyone else catch that?  I mean, I get a girl’s gotta have options, but really?  In a cave?  Did she carve the stilettos out of a stalactite?  Yes, Nate was sweet as he cried over his Mommy and Daddy, but really, let’s get on with it.

Finally, we are nearing the end.  We are shown Emily spending quality time with Ricki working on her homework before she jets off to another cocktail party – ah, the life of a single mom.  As usual, her evening attire is brutal – the white polyester jumpsuit with the weirdly placed sash, not to mention the layer upon layer of necklaces that haven’t had time to ‘settle’ from being taken out of the suitcase yet, so they’re still bent in certain places?  Not a fan.  I don’t get it.  I remember liking everything she wore on Brad’s season.  Some people turn into vampires when it gets dark.  Emily turns into a 72 year old retired beauty queen.

Emily enters the party, her freshly installed extensions trailing behind her and I almost don’t notice her because of the curtains and the standing screen – it’s like walking through the gates of floral hell, where flowers go to die after a wedding is over and they’ve fulfilled their centerpiece destiny.  Her outfit immediately becomes the least offensive thing in the room and that extends to the boys as well, not just the décor.  Take Jef for instance.  Dude, I get that you got a rose and you’re feeling confident but who gave you permission to wear your Hogwarts uniform to the cocktail party?  That’s just not okay.  And Chris, I get that you’re pissed at Doug for being older than you and bitter because you look scary in certain lights, but your Toms shoes actually look like dirty socks.  Time for a new pair.  It’s really a win win.  Your feet won’t look gross anymore and a child gets a pair of shoes.  Sweet deal.

Ryan distracts me from some of their outfits by quickly responding to her ‘My, don’t all of you look handsome,’ with a quick-witted ‘as do you…’  Huh?  Nice one, Shooter McGavin.  Ryan quickly swoops in (easy to do when your hair is basically feathers) for some more alone time, this time to thank Emily for not assuming that she is worthy of his affections, instead of thinking all this time that every guy automatically wants to get into her mommy panties.  Ew.  I just said panties.

He once again reassures Emily and anyone who will listen of what an amazing guy he is and as he is interrupted by Arie, he goes off to reveal to Mute Michael in his Southern drawl that ‘oh by the way, I want to be the next Bachelor’ and ‘isn’t it great when you can manipulate a situation for your own benefit and God just smiles on a man?’  Now, if I were Michael, I would have maybe considered using that information to my advantage, especially since it could have opened up a spot for me to stay another week.  Oh wait, that would require talking.

The cocktail party proceeds somewhat uneventfully.  Chris tries to create a fight out of thin air with Doug who isn’t buying into it, in much in the same way that psycho Jenna tried to pick a fight with other girls in the house on the first night on Ben’s season and finally relented with the offer of sharing a tampon to clear the air.

Sean…yup…still cute.  That’s all.

The boys assemble for the rose ceremony and it’s nice to see all of their skin has finally evenly browned.  Too bad they’re heading for London where they’ll go back to being various shades of green and grey.

Shocker of the night is definitely the fact that Alessandro got a rose over Charlie.  Really?  I just don’t get it, if for no other reason than there isn’t really a great nickname for him.  I guess Al would work, but I just can’t imagine myself having to say the full ‘Alessandro, dinner’s ready!’, or ‘Alessandro, can you go pick up Ricki at soccer?’ Or, ‘Alessandro, can you grab me some Shiitakes from the garden?  Fab!’

I also don’t understand why she is keeping Ryan around.  She hasn’t kissed him yet, and I feel like she would have if she were interested.  Though I guess it’s hard to kiss someone when their foot is constantly in their mouth and their head is up their own ass.  Though I was interested in seeing what Michael is all about, there’s only so much I can do from the comfort of my couch to help that poor boy.  Dude, you have to speak at some point.  It’s pretty clear from the close up of him (crying?) that he’s a very good looking guy if you can look past the hair accessories.  But oh well, too late now.

I think next week in London (which was received with as much enthusiasm by the guys as Courtney was on After the Final rose) is the week Emily actually shows emotion when someone drops the B bomb (baggage) so looking forward to it.  My husband seems to think Jef might be the culprit, but I can’t see anyone but Ryan being that stupid.  You know the drill.  Only time will tell!  Until next week, my people.

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