Greetings readers reader. Welcome to the series that critics have praised as
- “…written….”
- “…filled with words….”
- “…some…thing that was done by someone with a basic understanding of the English language that you can find on those sites where people watch that wrestling nonsense.”
It’s “The W.W.E. Superstars Report!”
Santino Marella vs. Jinder Mahal
Santino starts off with a forward roll and does The Cobra Pose which causes Mahal to recoil in fear. See what I did there? He then demonstrates his martial arts prowess by executing the crispest kicks I’ve ever seen. Jean Claude Van-Damme wishes his looked as good. *snicker* Jinder begs the referee to try to restrain this offensive monster! *snicker* Santino decides to toy with his prey first and does so with an arm takedown, an arm drag and an arm-bar. So I guess he’ll be working the arm this evening. Mahal fights out of the hold and goes for a scoop slam. Santino wiggles out of it and uses a drop-toe-hold to put him back in the arm-bar. Mahal fights out of it again, whips Santino towards the ropes and hits him with a knee to the gut. Or did he? Well he did but Santino does a forward roll and gets him with the prawn hold anyway for 2. Santino tells Mahal that he came __ that close to pinning him and Jinder lays him out with a right hand. Santino kicks out at 2. Mahal uses a single leg-sweep near the ropes to set-up a trio of springboard knee drops and choke. Jinder picks Santino up for a double-arm suplex and gets 2. Marella gets a few shots in (he even uses a Mongolian chop) but Mahal puts a stop to that nonsense with a knee to the gut and a stomp to the head. Santino finds himself in a cravate hold which becomes a side headlock. Santino takes advantage of this and uses a backdrop suplex and both men are down! Santino tries to whip Mahal into a corner but it’s reversed; when Santino tries to vault over him Mahal takes a step back and executes a Russian-leg-sweep for 2. Mahal puts Santino in a headlock and throws him down head-first when he tries to walk away from it. Mahal stomps him a few times and goes for another springboard knee drop, but Santino dropkicks him from his back! Can you dropkick someone from your back? No, you can’t so stop being jealous because Santino can. “Do not being the hater!” as Santino would probably say. Santino takes his opponent down with a hip toss and quickly follows-up with a jumping head-butt. He then puts Mahal to sleep with The COOOOOOOOOBRAAAAAAA to get the pin at 4m 46s.
Cody Rhodes vs. Alex Riley
There’s a collar-and-elbow tie-up to start thing off. Riley pushes Rhodes down with authority! You tell ‘em A-Ry. You won’t be jobbing that easily! It’ll take at least 3 minutes to put you down! Then they take a page out of the “Wrestling for Dummies” book with the headlock-push-off-shoulder block spot. Rhodes ends up on the receiving end of a dropkick and a pair of arm-drags. Riley applies a shoulder-lock and wrenches it a few times to bring Rhodes to his knees. Rhodes backs him into a corner, then kicks him in the gut and brings him back out with an arm take-down. Rhodes covers and gets a 1-count. The pair exchange wrist-locks and Rhodes is eventually thrown over the top rope. He skins-the-cat to get back in and Riley sends him back out with a lariat. Scott Stanford calls this a forearm. What the hell? Anyway Cody climbs back in and shoves Riley, Riley puts him on his ass with his right hand, Rhodes brings him with a drop-hoe-told and applies a side-headlock. Rhodes is sent to the ropes but hangs on to stop his momentum. Riley charges and is sent over but lands on his feet. Riley goes for a suplex to the outside and Rhodes kicks his left knee, which causes his face to bounce off of the ring edge. Rhodes gloats as they take a break.
Cody stomps a mud-hole in the corner but he does not walk it dry. Riley throws some rights and goes for the jumping ddt. Rhodes knees him in the gut, drops to his back and re-aligns Riley’s jaw with a right hand. Rhodes earns a pair of 2-counts with a jumping clothesline and a front suplex. Rhodes snapmares Riley and places him in an elevated cross arm-bar. Riley refuses to give up so Rhodes throws him into a turnbuckle chest-first and puts him in a full nelson. Alex appears to have passed out. No wait, Riley’s digging deep now and is back on his feet and a snapmare gets Rhodes off of his back! He catches Rhodes coming-in with an elbow and explodes out of the corner with a clothesline! There’s another one! Riley elevates Rhodes and brings him back down with a hip-toss suplex! 1-2-ooooooh Rhodes kicks out. Rhodes stumbles into a corner and Riley charges but eats some leather. Rhodes decides to charge himself and gets caught with a spinning spine-buster but he kicks out at 2! Riley goes to the top and soars but a dropkick from Rhodes clips his wings. Cody picks up Riley and unexpectedly finds himself in a schoolboy pin and has to kick out at 2. Riley reverses a whip and sends Rhodes to the corner, Rhodes tries to leap over his opponent but Riley captures him in a fireman’s carry. Rhodes hops off his back, hook’s Riley’s head and nails The Crossroads to defeat A-Ry after 8m & 46s (that was shown) of hard-hitting action!
Johnny Curtis & Derrick Bateman vs. The Usos
Curtis & Bateman get the jobber treatment so no entrance for them. A clip of Rikishi & his sons cutting a rug as you young folks would say is shown as Jimmy & Jay make their way to the ring. Curtis mocks The Usos funky-fresh maneuvers yo and Jimmy shows him how to properly gyrate and smacks him. He then shouts “Us” (pronounce oos). Here’s a fun drinking game; take a shot every time Jimmy/Jay yells “Us.” Curtis quickly tags out and Bateman runs right into a kick to the gut. Jimmy tags out and holds Bateman in the corner with his shoulder; Jay follows-up with a jumping lariat. Bateman gets snapmared to the mat and covered so he quickly kicks out before the ref can count. Jimmy gets the tag, Jay applies a wristlock and Jimmy does a diving double-axe-handle to injure Bateman’s left arm. Jimmy tries to re-apply the wristlock but Bateman uses a stiff forearm shot to break the hold. Derrick applies a wristlock of his own and tags in Curtis so they can duplicate the previous double-team maneuver. Things don’t go as planned though because Jimmy moves and Bateman’s left arm gets another axe-handle. Actually it was more like a splash but I see what they were going for. Jay comes back in and The Usos use the double back elbow & double elbow drop. *take 2 shots* Curtis is able to throw Jay out of the ring from his back and Bateman dropkicks him from the apron into the barricade. Bateman throws him into the ring and gets a 2-count. Curtis & Bateman take turns stomping Jay in the corner. Jay takes a suplex which gets 2 for Curtis. Bateman applies a rest hold…I mean sleeper, Jay starts to battle back but is halted with a clubbing blow to the back and a body slam. Bateman goes for a diving elbow, Curtis attempts a diving leg drop, neither one of them connects and Jimmy gets the hot-tag. Jimmy knocks Bateman off the apron and puts Curtis down with a lariat. Curtis takes another lariat in the corner and when he goes for one of his own, he gets his vertebrae compressed with a full-nelson drop. *take 4 shots* Curtis gets his neck snapped-back by a running hip attack in the corner. Jimmy goes for the pin but Bateman breaks the count at 2! He tries to attack Jay but his own momentum sends him over the top and crashing to the floor. Jay ducking to pull down the top rope may have factored into this as well. Curtis leapfrogs Jay and runs right into a Samoan drop from Jimmy. He signals that’s he going up top and up-top he goes for the diving splash and he gets the 1-2-3 at 4m 27s.
Sin Cara vs. Drew McIntyre
The bell sounds and Drew levels Cara with a lariat and European uppercut. Then they dim the lights to set the mood just right. Yeeeeeeeah baby, it’s sexy time. Drew puts him into a corner and introduces his chest to the bottom of his boot. Sin is pushed into a corner and catches Drew advancing with a boot to the head, then he quickens the pace with a spinning arm drag and a dropkick. Drew bails to the floor and Sin follows with a fake dive. Sin connects with a roundhouse and jumps off the apron for a franken-steiner. Drew catches him though, spins and throws Cara shoulder-first into the security wall. McIntyre throws him back in and gets a 1-count. McIntyre chokes Sin with the straight-jacket hold. Sin gets to his feet and fights back with forearm shots. He has Drew reeling so he hits the ropes and Drew stops him in his tracks with a big boot and gets 2. Drew kicks him in the face a few times and punishes him some more with a snap suplex but only gets 2. McIntyre is more than happy to keep the pace slow and does so by keeping his foe grounded. He applies an arm-bar while sitting on the left side of Cara’s torso and pushes his face into the mat. Cara gets back up and exchanges kicks with Drew; McIntyre wins this exchange and hoist Sin onto his shoulders. Sin rolls down his back and gets Drew in a sit-out pin for 2. Drew doesn’t let up though, and he continues to punish his competitor with a back-breaker and a pair of gut-busters before dragging him to the middle of the ring and trapping Cara in a jackknife pin but he kicks out at 2! McIntyre is clearly frustrated now and places Cara in a corner and hammers him with a pair of lariats. Drew brings him out of the corner and goes for another one but Cara grabs his arm and uses it to swing over his head! Cara hits the ropes and goes for another frankensteiner, Drew catches him again but this time Cara plants him with a face buster and both men are down! The referee starts the count and both men answer it a 3. Sin tenderizes Drew’s left thigh with several kicks. McIntyre knocks him down with a right hand and tries to unmask him. Cara keeps his mask on, ducks a lariat and responds with a handspring back elbow. Cara keeps the pressure on Drew with a frankensteiner and tries to pounce on him in the corner but gets launched over the top rope. Using his agility he plants his feet on the apron and surprises Drew with a gamengiri. Cara is feeling it now and springs over the top rope with a springboard-corkscrew-splash but only gets 2! He tries to take flight again but gets caught coming off of the top turnbuckle and takes a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but is able to kick out at 2. McIntyre turns his thumb downward and climbs but gets caught at the top and takes another gamengiri. Cara tries to join him but gets pushed off. Fortunately for him he recovers quickly and does a back-flip to stay upright. Sin Cara ducks a flying clothesline and uses a tilt-a-whirl-ddt to get the win at 7m 22s.
Well that’s it for this week. Be safe out there folks.
