Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 6.14.13 (The Shield vs Team Hell No/Orton)

Seems like it’s been a while since you’ve read one of my Smackdown Reports, eh? Last week I gave the spotlight to newcomer Cameron Dougharty in his brand-new 10 Thoughts column, but I’m back to harass delight you all once again!

1. Daniel Bryan Addresses The WWE Universe
Mah boy D-Bry comes out to a massive “Yes!” chant to talk to the crowd. He plays both sides of the fence, praising both his own ability and the success of Team Hell No. Bryan asks Kane to head to the ring so he can tell the Big Red Machine that he will win the Tag Team Championship with Randy Orton at Payback. Kane asks if Bryan’s breaking up with him (awwww). They go back and forth until Bryan spews the “weak link” nonsense again. Ugh. Bryan suggests that Kane is the weak link and he gets choked out until Randy Orton interrupts the proceedings to protect his tag team partner for Sunday. The three of them bicker like little bitches and THANKFULLY The Shield pops up on the ‘Tron to end it. Tonight’s main event: another six-man tag!

2. Sheamus vs Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro gets the jobber entrance, which essentially tells you everything you need to know about this match. Hopefully he gets a chance to look good before he stares up at the lights. Surprisingly, this match gets TWO full segments and Cesaro gets a decent amount of offense. On top of that, Sheamus has to hit the Brogue Kick out of nowhere to win instead of the usual set-up. Zeb Colter is chatting on the App, most likely to set up a feud between Sheamus and Jack Swagger. Sandow attacks Sheamus from behind after the match, which is probably the most offense he’ll get in his bout on Sunday.

3. Retrospective: The Return of CM Punk

Awesome video package for the Best in the World prepping us all for his return to Chicago this Sunday. And yes, folks, CM Punk will be wrestling Chris Jericho. Stop thinking that it won’t happen.

4. Team Ziggler Bothers Teddy Long
Teddy Long shills Hardee’s during a fucking phone conversation and I die a little inside. Dolph Ziggler and his posse interrupt to tell Long that they’re gonna steal the show tonight. They leave and, just as Teddy attempts to eat his burger, Big E pops back into frame to devour the thing in like three bites. That man is a beast. Apparently Booker T is out for surgery, which explains why Teddy is in charge, but I’ll be damned if they ever told us that Booker was going to be gone in the first place.

5. Heath Slater vs The Great Khali
The less said about this, the better. About 90% of this “match” takes place in the heel corner due to Khali’s inability to stand up without the support of the ropes. Slater gets the biggest win of his career (how sad is that?) when the rest of 3MB bothers Hornswoggle and Natalya, allowing Slater to DDT Khali for the upset victory.

6. Alberto del Rio and Chris Jericho vs Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston
This is Ziggler’s first match back since returning from his concussion; something tells me the WWE won’t let him get too involved since Sunday’s match is more important. As expected, we get a tease of del Rio and Ziggler to start things off but Dolph tags out immediately. AJ gets involved after the commercial break, allowing Langston to overpower Jericho. Finally, Ziggler gets involved but Jericho makes the hot tag and del Rio unloads on the champ! After a clusterfuck involving all four men, del Rio wins with a surprise roll-up, which pretty much guarantees he’s losing on Sunday. This was a decent match.

7. Paul Heyman Confronts Chris Jericho
Jericho sells the PPV match with Punk to Renee Young but Heyman interrupts to wish Y2J luck, even though “luck is for losers” as Heyman puts it. Jericho shoves the mic in Heyman’s face and responds with “pipe bomb.” I think we’ve milked the anticipation for all it’s worth by now.

8. Kaitlyn vs Aksana
Kaitlyn flips out immediately thanks to AJ’s machinations over the course of the past month and this match doesn’t actually happen. On the plus side: bewbs.

9. Raw Rebound: Three Stages of Hell Preview
Don’t care. If this match ends the PPV, then the WWE has no idea how to properly build a show anymore. Punk vs Jericho had better close the program, based on the booking for the last couple of weeks. Not that I’m paying for any of it, mind you; I’m just saying.

10. Curtis Axel vs Wade Barrett
This match is sponsored by Hardee’s. No, I’m not making a joke because of the product placement. The fucking commentators are actually shilling a burger with six slices of heart attack bacon as the sponsor for this match. Barrett tries to weasel out of the fight (gotta love a heel vs heel match) but The Miz shows up to convince them to do battle. How hilarious would it be for Hardee’s to promote a “quality” match and the match didn’t happen? What would that say about the company? In less than a minute, The Miz and Heyman distract Barrett on the outside and he walks into a stupid swinging neck breaker which gives Axel the win. Miz attacks Axel after the match as all good faces would.

11. The Wyatt Family
Another promo for the Wyatts. I’ve only heard their characters are cool, so I’ll reserve judgment until I see them wrestle.

12. The Shield vs Randy Orton and Team Hell No
Bryan and Rollins start the match and eventually the faces wind up taking turns beating on Dean Ambrose until Reigns is tagged in. Bryan becomes “face in peril” until Orton gets the hot tag and cleans house. He tries for a double draping DDT but his victims counter it and stop Orton dead in his tracks at the final break. When we return, Ambrose is in control of Orton. Bryan eventually gets the super hot tag and unleashes hell on the entire Shield contingent! He kicks the head off of Reigns and Rollins, climbs to the top rope, but misses a flying head butt! Kane throws Ambrose over the top rope! Reigns dumps Kane! Orton eats a Spear! Kane takes Reigns out and sends him into the timekeeper’s area, followed by Ambrose! Rollins climbs the turnbuckle but Kane shoves him off into an RKO! Bryan traps Rollins in the No Lock and he TAPS THE FUCK OUT! Lillian Garcia actually announces this as The Shield’s first loss in six-man tag team action (nice little touch there) and the crowd comes unglued!

That was an awesome ending sequence. Watch the last match for that alone. As for the rest of the show: you won’t be kicking yourself for missing it.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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