Let me be clear. I had every intention of writing a blog post last week. Yes, it was going to be late, on account of my husband being out of town leaving me to handle mornings when I am usually blogging away at the crack of dawn, and my kids not exactly cooperating at bedtime Monday night (who knew a child could come out of bed with a new, equally interesting fact, so goddamn many times?) Do you know how a rainbow gets its colours, for example? Or how about the fact that different types of whales have different types of spouts?) This coupled with the incessant list of excuses for why they can’t sleep (a fire truck interrupted my dream, I’m thirsty/hungry/lonely/cold/hot/need another kiss/hug/snuggle), and an early morning meeting, led me to it being way too late to watch the whole riveting two hours and then blog the night away.
And let’s not forget the elephant in the room here, people. The episode was BORING. So when Thursday finally did roll around, the day I promised you, dear readers, that I would have it up by (if you were my Facebook fan, you’d know all of this already, by the way), I’ll be honest, I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t wanna. There was nothing exciting to me about watching the guys channel their inner Reservoir Dogs in knee socks, or reliving them balls deep into a vicious game of Dodgeball, or recounting the tragic tale of poor Brooks bweaking his wittle fingow (which we were led to believe was something more like a broken penis or accidental decapitation, judging by, once again, the editing gods.) And the semi-comatose unidentifiable female singer performing yet another private concert for Dez and – was it Kasey this time? Not exactly the most exciting date ever. I will give props to Brooks, over and over again, for his quick double take when he finally returned from war with his princess Band-Aid and right away, acknowledged how great she looked. This guy knows how it’s done. It’s the little things, boys.
Don’t even get me started on how much of a letdown it was to hear that Brian was the one with the girl friend? Seriously? No wonder they had to edit it to look like Ben. Cuz who the hell gives a shit that Brian has a girlfriend? Who is Brian? Seriously, I think I would have been more affected if I had found out that the dude on Camera Three had a chick back home. For the love of god. Watching Brian go home, was about as interesting as watching Zach get the boot last night. I know. Who? Right.
Anyways, onto this week’s equally exciting two hours. I’m really trying people. I know you want me to stay positive (or at least sarcastic) and give this season a fighting chance, but we’re in episode four. It’s not looking good.
We kick off the date in Atlantic City, but not before we’re teased with Bryden caving into the pressure of hating Ben (never actually happens) or once again, the guys getting their vaginas all in a knot over Ben hanging out with Dez in front of them.
The first one on one date announced in their awesome suite? Brad. Great. Yawn. Don’t give it to Zak, who has done nothing but try to impress Dez with sweet gestures, a decent sense of humour and some eye candy to boot. Give it to Brad.
Sure, I had high hopes that Brad would let out his wild side, and after the reveal that he had a son last week, along with his possible criminal record for alleged domestic violence by his crazy ass junkie of an ex, I thought, okay, maybe this guy really does have something to offer. But alas, once the dust from the ferris wheel settled, and the adrenaline rush of breaking into a chocolate factory sans hairnet had worn off, they realized that they’re having fun because they’re at a carnival, not because they have any form of a connection, and it’s precisely there, where things started to go downhill.
The whole sand castle/sofa was a bit weird. Either that thing was made of some sort of foam and then spray-painted beige, or there’s a whole bunch of pissed off crew members still picking sand out of their ass cracks and wondering where they went wrong after film school to be building love nests made of sand on a reality TV show.
And then, after Brad was unable to communicate what he looks for in a woman as the sun was setting, we move onto an even more awkward dinner, where they have so little to talk about (or incoherently mumble about, in Brad’s case) that a) they actually eat some of the food (if that’s not a clue this isn’t going well, what is?) and b) they actually start reliving some of their memories from earlier that day. “Remember that time we went on the slingshot? Yeah…that was fun…cool.”
You can tell Dez isn’t into it, since she’s more like, ‘well, since we’re here, we might as well check out the lighthouse…sigh…’ rather than showing any form of enthusiasm for climbing 6000 steps with a guy she has nothing to say to.
They make the climb (sidebar: during which time, Dez actually sad ‘Jeez Louise!”) and the second after they get to the top, even while she’s still out of breath, Dez sends him packing. It would have been a clean break for me, but seriously, what is with all these dudes turning on the water works? A single dad crying does not leave me with a very good feeling. No Sirree…I do have a soul, you know.
The next morning, Brooks likens Dez to a unicorn and mythical creature that’s here one minute and gone the next as the guys greet her for their group date. I have to say, laying my eyes on the reigning Miss America, I was…unimpressed. Really? This is Miss America? Interesting…I was a lot more entertained by the ‘world famous’ pageant coach Christopher Dean (I assume they mean world famous only if you actually give a shit about the pageant world, correct?) Christopher Dean spends the morning mocking the guys (as he should) for desperately trying to bust out some sort of talent (other than using the phrases ‘hodgepodge’ and ‘tom foolery’ in the same sentence – really Drew?)
If I were a guy trying to impress a girl, my first thought would be ‘back away from the rhythmic gymnastics ribbon. Just back away.’ But therein lies the reason the guys must truly hate Ben. Because any guy comfortable enough to wear coral capris and do a rhythmic gymnastics routine – well, he’s one to watch.
Between Mikey’s heartfelt cry to all of womankind to stop searching for meatheads (um…we aren’t?…) immediately followed by about 14 displays of meatheadosity, to Chris’s promise to take a woman out for dinner enough — but not too much, of course –to Drew’s soliloquy, to Ben’s teeny tiny bathing suit which he swears ‘is gonna bear a lot of weight’, to Juan Pablo’s surprise mastery of the baton (and did he say something about a daughter???), to Zak’s surprise serenade, to Kasey’s carefully concocted story of a child’s desire to tap, to high heels, rollers skates and more, it certainly was an eventful evening. And don’t even get me started on Bryden’s pelvic thrusting at the mayor. Honestly, he should take that technique over to Iraq. They’ll end the war right there just to make him stop.
Thank god, over and over again, for Brooks’ comic relief. From his horrible song, to his quick wit, to prancercizing onto the stage in his extremely high-waisted bathing suit, to smashing the ukulele and then watching him strum the broken handle off stage as they left the pageant, I am on Team Brooks all the way.
Despite the fact that Kasey won (yawn), I’m glad that poor Zak finally got a rose. I was beginning to wonder how many more stops does this guy have to pull out before she acknowledges that he’s more than just a shiny six pack! If she had given the rose to Chris (who I am so not buying a connection with – that’s like finding a connection with your accountant) for his poem, I would have had to pack up and leave. That’s right. Leave my own house.
I still don’t see what the big deal is with Ben. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there isn’t an issue or blind to it, after all – you know nothing gets by me. I just think they either need to show more of him being a douche, or less of the guys whining about him. It just doesn’t seem balanced, is all.
Back at the house, in preparation for the giant wake-up call he’s about to experience, James is having a one on one date with himself, complete with bubble bath and is about five minutes away from forgoing his individual room and choosing to stay as a couple with his right hand in the fantasy suite. But he’s in tip top shape for the next day, when him and Dez tour the devastation that Hurricane Sandy brought forth on the Jersey Shore.
It really was quite astounding to see how powerful the storm was and the havoc it wreaked on so many lives and homes. As a mom and a wife, I can’t imagine the fear and uncertainty felt by those residents as they watched everything that’s familiar to them get washed away, leaving them to face the task of rebuilding a life for their families. Even the boardwalk washed into the ocean, taking with it the last lingering odors of public urination brought forth by Snooki and JWoww. A moment of silence, if you will. What? Too soon?
Obviously, Manny and Jan are the real winners here. Not only did they provide us with a few moments of substance in a never-ending episode, but they’re also friggin’ adorable, even when Manny is trying to cop a feel dancing with Dez as the night progresses. The sad thing is, Dez and James are probably too young to even know who Hootie is (that was Hootie right???) Good on them for giving up their night for the cute couple. Clearly, the ambience in the diner didn’t stop James from falling head over heels for Dez and though I want to dislike him for being such a prime physical specimen and so eerily handsome, I actually think he’s kind of adorable. Weird?
Finally, it’s time for the cocktail party and for a change Mikey is wearing his purple plaid button down and black tie (seriously, every single week). I like this ensemble just as much as I like Dez’s black pantyhose. In May.
The evening as usual, is fraught with awkward moments, and last minute attempts at wooing Dez. Michael’s pathetic cue card game was planned in all of six seconds and you could see that kiss – along with his thumb – WTF – coming from about a mile away (not that I wanted to). The kiss was about as awkward as his tie clip. Indeed, it takes a special kinda man to wear a tie clip. I’m just not sure yet, what kind. Poor Michael needs a one on one date STAT so she can send him packing and we can all move on with our lives.
Michael’s kiss was only made less awkward by Chris’s placement of himself in the friend zone and instead of agreeing with him (astounding that he’s still here, no?) it looks like she gives him a one on one next week. Really?
Roses are given out to Chris, Brooks, Juana Pablo, Drew, Michael, Kasey Bryden (who waited an eternity to finally accept it) and Mikey. I don’t think it is possible to care less that Zach got sent home. Like literally, NOT POSSIBLE. Too bad Zach’s timing is a bit off and he chose to save up all his words for his exit interview. Next time you may want to speak up a bit earlier, Buddy.
Next week, as if we’re not already stuck in a massive sausage fest, we head on out to Germany. I’m not going to pretend that the episode will be interesting even though we see even more men crying in the preview and it looks like James’ plan to be the next Bachelor is revealed. I’ll reserve judgement until then, but a little more Brooks wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?
Till next week my lovelies!
Tags: the bachelorette, The Bachelorette 2013