The SmarK RAW Rant – 11.11.13
Taped from Jolly Ol’ England, which is as American as you can get for a celebration of Remembrance Day. Or something. What about the veterans of the Revolutionary War?
Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler
This show is detracting from valuable Candy Crush Saga time, so hopefully it ends with CM Punk and Daniel Bryan as World champions to justify it. Oh, hang on, my D-Bry alarm is going off again. LET’S GO TO THE INBOX!
I keep hearing that WWE is actively “stealing” Daniel Bryan’s “Yes” catchphrase and giving it to Big Show? Is that right? If so, are they stupid? Won’t that completely cut Big Show at the knees? I mean, I know there’s direct link between Daniel Bryan and the word “Yes” but, unless I’m totally off on my reasoning, that’s his word and as far as the crowds are concerned they’re chanting for him when they say yes. How is this not like encouraging your wife to yell someone else’s name during sex?
Because, um, it’s not…?
BUT FIRST: Breaking Newz! The Authority is on vacation. How is that either breaking or news? At least when I take vacations people die.
Randy Orton joins us to say terrible heel things like “I’m going to beat Big Show and retain the title.” BOO! HISS! He claims to be the authority tonight (not to be confused with The Authority) but Brad Maddox interrupts and he’s actually the guy in charge. And this brings out Korporate Kane with a much better suit, and he’s basically Johnny Ace but with a better haircut. What a weird repackage for the character. I just don’t even. After some comedy there, Vickie Guerrero overrules both guys somehow and makes Randy Orton v. The Rhodes. AND THAT MATCH STARTS RIGHT NOW, KING! By which we mean after the break, because this is WWE and we can false advertise pretty much anything. In fact I’m pretty sure everyone in this match is supposed to be doing a house show in Indiana at the same time.
Randy Orton v. Cody Rhodes & Goldust
The Rhodeseseseses work Orton over for a bit before Orton slugs Cody down, but Goldust rolls him up for two. Orton comes back with a clothesline out of the corner for two and the crowd is already bored with Orton and doing wacky chants. Goldust makes a brief comeback and we take a break. Back with Goldust reversing the powerslam into a rollup for two, and it’s hot tag Cody. Sunset flip gets two. Moonsault press gets two. The Rhodes clothesline Orton to the floor and he’s had enough for tonight and walks out at 11:44. **1/4 However, Big Show (who was advertised as appearing, then hyped by the announcers as NOT being there, as they even false advertise their false advertising) shows up to beat up Orton, because screwjob finishes really irk him. Orton takes a chokeslam through the table from Stone Cold Big Show, and I don’t even KNOW what Orton is supposed to be anymore. Are they worried that if they book him as the killer viper predator apex bag-shitter or whatever he was in 2009 that people will cheer his heel act again or something? Because making him a cowardly corporate stooge who fears Big Show but still never does jobs isn’t particularly helping him.
Intercontinental title: Curtis Axel v. Dolph Ziggler
Why is Curtis Axel still a thing? Aren’t we way, WAY, past the point of pulling the plug on this guy? I’m not even saying get rid of Joe Hennig or anything, but this is a loser gimmick that means nothing at this point. They fight over a hammerlock to start and Axel gets a dropkick for two. Ziggler with his own dropkicks for two and he drops the defibrillating elbows for two. Axel tosses him as Ziggler takes another stupid bump (note to Dolph: You might as well stop giving a shit, you’ll live longer) and that gets two for Axel. Nice bit from JBL as Cole talks about how Axel has potential and JBL is like “What do you mean potential? He’s the Intercontinental champion!” Thank you! Ziggler sends Axel into the post as this rather dull encounter continues, and Dolph makes his comeback before the inevitable job. Elbowdrop gets two. Frankly, I wouldn’t wish the title on Dolph at this point because he doesn’t need to sink any lower. Dolph with a fameasser for two. Axel gets a backdrop suplex for two, as that one looked awkward. Axel to the top, but Dolph brings him down with a top rope X Factor for two. If he was Sean Waltman, Axel would be DEAD. Axel comes back with the McGillicutter to retain the title at 9:13. This is what Ziggler’s career has come to: DOING JOBS FOR CURTIS AXEL. Did he build a time machine and go back to sequentially rape all the members of the McMahon family in alphabetical order or something? This was a match where they did moves and stuff. **
Meanwhile, the wacky fussin’ and feudin’ authority figureheads make a pair of handicap matches for tonight.
Meanwhile, whiny baby Randy Orton nurses his shoulder and bitches out the Shield for not saving him. They point out that they work for HHH, not Orton. Uh oh, hope someone checked Randy’s ID, because HE JUST GOT SERVED!
John Cena v. The Real Americans
Uncle Zeb gets a pretty epic rant against Britain (Soccer thugs and Mr. Bean-loving hooligans!) and the Americans work Cena over to start, but Alberto Del Rio quickly interrupts. And we take a break. Back with Cena countering the Giant Swing into the STF, but Swagger comes in with an anklelock. Cesaro with a flying bodypress, but Cena rolls through and Swagger clips him to give Cesaro two. The NEUTRALIZER is countered by Cena and he hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM on Swagger, who then reverses into the anklelock again. Cena reverses out into the FU, but Cesaro saves. Cena busts out the POWERBOMB on him for two, but Cesaro hits the SWISS DEATH forearm for two. To the top, but Cena puts Cesaro down and then hits Swagger with a flying bodypress before finishing with the STF at 11:34. John Cena remains a good practitioner of the pro graps. *** I get the feeling that Cena really likes Cesaro because he gave him a lot here, so perhaps next year Cena will put Cesaro over at Summerslam to set him up for a feud with the Wyatt Family after three months of everyone undermining him in the main event slot. That’s as close to elevation as you ever get anymore.
Ryback v. R-Truth
And the slide down the card continues for Ryback. They slug it out and Ryback powers Truth around the ring and goes to a bearhug as the crowd is SILENT and the announcers fill the awkward with idiotic rambling. Ryback misses a charge and Truth gets the fluke rollup for the pin at 4:00. Ryback slipped, which marks one of the only times you’ll almost literally see a “slip on a banana peel” finish. They’re really busting out the classic shitty finishes tonight. DUD
Hulu oddness: Canadian mainstay “Little Mosque on the Prairie” is now “exclusively” on Hulu as “Little Mosque”. Are they concerned that the “Prairie” portion would make it too ethnic? It’s OK to be Muslim but not Western Canadian? Something something oil joke…
Alberto Del Rio v. Big E Langston
ADR pounds him down to start and goes to the chinlock as the crowd gets distracted with something else and this show, even in the 90 minute version, is dragging BADLY. Big E comes back with a belly to belly and Warrior splash, but Del Rio gets the enzuigiri for two. Langston puts him down again and sets up to finish, but Del Rio hooks the armbar and Big E taps at 4:04. I don’t get why they’re trying to build up Langston by having him do clean jobs. *
Paul Heyman is out in a wheelchair, with Curtis Axel still backing him up, and he’s still got problems with CM Punk. Geez, that was the last PPV, get over it already. He BURIES Ryback and promises that he’ll be back to get that Punk kid. This brings out Punk to beat up the poor guy in the wheelchair yet again, and it’s FINALLY time for the main event.
Daniel Bryan & CM Punk v. The Shield
Glad to see them freshening things up with a Bryan v. Shield match in a RAW main event. It’s like Monday Night ROH. That’s funnier if you say it out loud as “Row” of course. The Indypowers double-suplex Ambrose, but Bryan gets caught in the Shield corner. Punk tries to hit Rollins with the GTS, but he escapes and brings Reigns in. Our heroes double-team him with kicks, but Roman clotheslines them both and tosses Punk. Bryan fires off a german suplex on Rollins and brings him off the top with a rana for two. Kicks are thrown, but Bryan walks into an enzuigiri to become YOUR #4 babyface in peril as we take a break. JUST END THIS SHOW ALREADY. I would be clawing my eyeballs out if I was watching the three-hour version at this point. We return with Bryan taking a LONG beating before Punk gets the hot tag and drops the big elbow on Ambrose for two. GTS for Reigns, but Ambrose rolls up Punk for two. Punk gets the Vice, but it’s Wyatt Family Time. Everyone wants to beat on the babyfaces, resulting in a skirmish between the heels over the honors, but then cooler heads prevail and everyone goes after Punk and Bryan instead. No winner ever announced. ** The Usos and Rhodes make the save and the selling point of next week is apparently what the Authority thinks of what happened here. If they’re anything like me, they were probably wishing they could play Candy Crush Saga on their iPad instead of trying to make sense of the storyline. This would seem to at least set up a 6 v. 6 Survivor Series match, but you would be completely wrong.
Next week is RAW Country as the company is now actively trying to find ways to make me not care about the product or anything associated with it in any fashion. This buyrate is gonna make Daniel Bryan’s run look like Steve Austin by comparison in terms of drawing power.
Tags: cm punk, Daniel Bryan, Raw, The Shield, The Wyatt Family, WWE