Hey there, and welcome to a new sub-column called “Wrestling Wremix.” This is the occasional host of “My Pinterest Is Piledrivers,” James A. Sawyer. Why post a new column under this name and not under that one? Well this didn’t really fit the theme of my original column, which was more or less random thoughts on wrestling. Also, that dirty foreign heel Blair has two or seven different column titles so why not this Real American?
So I had this idea a few months ago about fantasy booking new directions for several rudderless superstars. I proposed it to two of the columnists that I have contact information for, Blair (@BDInsidePulse) and Chris (@cwsanders39) along with fellow Queens resident/wrestling fan/underemployed freelance writer Pilot Viruet (@pilotbacon) but I soon realized that I was the only one badass enough to see it through. That, or the rest of them had jobs and social lives. Nevertheless, here is my column and an open invitation to any and all who want to take a crack at revamping anyone-or-thing in the business. Wrestlers, managers, TNA, WWE, doesn’t matter. Fantasy booking is one thing that people never like to admit doing, but we all do. Even if it’s something as simple as “I really would have had Dolph Ziggler win that match.”
The Miz has a really, really punchable face.
I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice guy, and I read a story about him meeting a Make A Wish kid… but let’s face facts. At one point he had a faux hawk, highlights, a fedora, capri pants, and shirts that say things like CHICK MAGNET and HATERS LOVE ME. Just like people like Ricky Steamboat and Kofi Kingston make natural faces, The Miz is a natural heel, and to get the most out of him you really need to play off that.
I’d like to introduce the Miz Rights Activist. Just who is the Miz Rights Activist? He’s based on the Men’s Rights Activist. What is a Men’s Rights Activist?
That pretty much covers it. They’re generally a big swirl of racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, misogyny, and whining. In short, the perfect heel template.
One Raw (or Smackdown) The Miz loses a match against Kofi Kingston for a US title shot. It should be a decent, hardfought effort that nonetheless results in a clean pin for Kofi. Afterwards while looking dejected, he’s approached backstage by Zeb Colter who asks him if he isn’t tired of all of “those people” getting all the opportunities.
The next show (or week), The Miz is backstage and corners one of the divas. Someone likable. Brie Bella is already getting creeped on by Orton, and we don’t need to drag Daniel Bryan down a level, so maybe Kaitlyn, Layla or AJ Lee even though she’s still a heel for some reason. The Miz gets a little handsy and the unlucky diva crotches him and leaves. Later, Colter reappears and tells The Miz that if they didn’t want his attention then they shouldn’t be dressing like they do. The Real Americans go on to have a losing effort against a tag-team. While standing around in the ring assigning blame, The Miz appears and cheapshots Antonio Cesaro, leading to a beatdown. He then takes the mic and talks about how he’s sick of foreigners like Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (which would work especially if they have him hitting on Natalya), Divas walking around dressed like teases, and “affirmative action” hires like Kofi and Big E Langston. Ready to realize his full potential, he leaves with Swagger and Zeb as the new other “Real American.”
The new Miz is a cowardly, loudmouth cheating heel who uses the numbers game, his manager, and blind refs to score his wins. Think of the whiny WCW conspiracy theorist Jericho, but with loathsome political beliefs. He wears obnoxious clothes. He says obnoxious claims. He brags but never can quite back up his tough talk on his own, and the audience is forever chomping at the bit to see him get kicked in the face.
I think this scenario presents the WWE with some good options and fixes a few problems:
1) It frees up Antonio Cesaro from The Real Americans team and lets him go on as a face singles wrestler.
2) It keeps The Real Americans as a team and doesn’t break up another part of the somewhat-burgeoning tag team division.
3) It sets up ready-made feuds with not just Los Matadores (Hispanic wrestlers) and The Rhodes Brothers (Goldust’s “alternative” lifestyle), but also singles matches against Kofi, Big E, Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, Justin Gabriel (South African wrestler) and by being such strongly defined heels with clear motivations and personas, gives some of their bland faces something to react against.
4) It allows the newly socially-conscious WWE to have their bigot heels to show everyone (and the media) what they’re NOT about (prejudice and all that bad stuff).
5) It’s somewhat consistent with The Miz as a character: never a badass, or a “determinator,” and somewhat oblivious to PCness (as seen during his “Real World” run). Also takes advantage of the resentment some might have of his MTV beginnings and a perception that he might’ve leapfrogged other, more experienced wrestlers and should play up his main strength as a speaker versus an in-ring technician.
6) It also should spin off a pretty good match between Dean Ambrose and Kofi Kingston as a result of that number one contenders match.
So there you have it. My humble proposal for a wrestling wremix of The Miz that rejuvenates not just his persona, but maintains momentum in the midcard and tag division. Like it? Love it? Want some more of it? Well I’ve got at least one more idea so hopefully it’s one of the above. Think it sucks? Lay off, I’m going through nine weeks of chemotherapy, c’mon. But hey… feel free to blow up the comments section. And fellow columnists, old and new? You think you can do better? Gauntlet’s been thrown.
Tags: aj lee, Antonio Cesaro, big e langston, Brie Bella, chris jericho, Daniel Bryan, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, jack swagger, Kaitlyn, Kofi Kingston, Layla El, randy orton, Real Americans, ricky steamboat, The Miz, TNA, Tyson Kidd, WCW, WWE, WWE RAW, WWE Smackdown, Zeb Colter