What you’re reading now is the result of a promise I made to CB, the night he plied me with pomegranate wine coolers and took my virginity in a log cabin.
The sad thing? A part of me still loves him.
The good news? This show will not be “War And Peace” length like the last “Readers Choice” instalment. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun doing it, but Sweet Baby Hay-Zeus it was a long one. I’m not expecting this to be a whole lot easier, but it’s only 2 hours and live shows are easier ’cause I can just use the commercials to fix it up and have it finished by the end. I had a lot of fun with the historical recap though, so I hope that in the future, if I decide to do more of these, that you’ll vote for more of those shows. Like honestly CB, you guys had Halloween Havoc 1992, December To Dismember 2006, Heroes Of Wrestling, or any other famous trainwreck show of your liking to choose from, and you chose a modern-day TNA show? Why you gotta be such a hooker about this?
I’m kidding. CB is my boy. You’re all right, you hooker.
Before we start, the last TNA show I watched was Bound For Glory 2013, that was the first TNA show I watched in I don’t even know how long, and I’ve not seen anything on TNA since. I was going to try to get all caught up before this show, so I could go in informed, and then I thought “no, maybe I won’t do that.” and that argument kinda won out. To be honest, I didn’t even read the preview. All I know is that this is TNA limping back to the Impact Zone after making a huge deal about leaving it and going on the road several months ago, and that there’s a tournament to crown a new TNA World Champion, even though AJ Styles is TNA World Champion, but he’s “out” of the company and “defending” the title elsewhere. I assume that will culminate with AJ fighting whoever wins this tournament.
So, it’s a WWE storyline over 2 years out of date, which is a step in the right direction for TNA, who are usually doing storylines over 10 years out of date.
By the way, for some reason we didn’t cover it, but Mad Dog Vachon died today. Very sad. Even sadder – this really threw a monkey wrench into TNA’s plan to have him beat Austin Aries next week.
Anyway, LET’S CROSS THE MOTHERFUCKING LINE!
Wrestling Facts: Dixie Carter said You should totally buy this, to look at while you recap Impact: http://t.co/Yd3IX6eHyK
Tenay and Taz welcome us to TNA… Turning Point? Wait, what? So this is Turning Point? What the hell? They’re now having PPV’s… not on PPV? I don’t get it – I know they stopped doing so many PPV’s earlier this year, but Turning Point was such an awesome name they had to keep it around? Jesus.
TNA Hobbles Back To The Impact Zone (TNA Impact / TNA Turning Point? – 11.21.2013)
At a bar… Bobby Roode beat down James Storm. TNA should really stop sending people to bars.
They do a video package of AJ “leaving” TNA and Dixie coming up with the tournament to crown a new TNA World Champion. Tonight in the finals, James Storm and Bobby Roode are fighting in a “bullrope match” and Samoa Joe fights Magnus in a Falls Count Anywhere match. Joe says that if he wins, he’s fighting the “man who never lost the belt”, and Dixie starts freaking out. The video package also shows that tonight, Bully Ray is fighting Ken Anderson.
Dixie comes up to Joe backstage, and she says she went back and watched the show last week. She says that if Joe takes that tone with her again, that he’ll find himself like AJ Styles, wrestling in third-world countries for pesos. She had to watch the show again to remember Joe’s tone? That’s hilarious. She asks if he understands, and he says he does. Dixie says if Joe wins the World Title, he better get this “unification match” with AJ Styles out of his head, because AJ will never be back with TNA, and Joe is lucky to be in TNA.
Anyway, TNA is welcomed back to Orlando by the Impact Zone crowd, who do seem pretty pumped. They’re probably just happy to be somewhere with air conditioning, because let me tell you, if you’ve never been to Florida, IT IS A HUNDRED-AND-BALL-SWEAT DEGREES THERE. It is a climate that consumes every definable measurement of a person’s oxygen, and yet somehow the natives look like they were grown in an environment where it’s dark and damp.
Dixie Carter comes out, and people chant for AJ. Dixie is using some HORRIBLE over-done southern drawl shit, so basically she’s changed her accent now that she’s a heel. And not in a subtle way, either. She says it’s great to be in the Impact Zone, and that she’s filed lawsuits against AJ for taking her TNA World Title, and that another company won’t make a dime off her again. James Storm’s music hits, and he comes out and complains about Roode attacking him last night at the bar. He says he won’t press charges, but he wants a “Florida Death Match”. Dixie says no, but Storm says that if she refuses, that he WILL call the cops and have Roode arrested and Dixie won’t have her match. This makes Dixie cave. This was torturous.
TNA World Heavyweight Title Semi-Finals – Falls Count Anywhere
Samoa Joe .vs. Magnus
My God, how much makeup does it take to hold Christy Hemme together these days? She looks horrible. Anyway, Joe shows up and says that he’s not coming to the ring since it’s Falls Count Anywhere. He tells Magnus to come to the back. Magnus heads back, and we go to…
We’re back, and Joe throws Magnus into a wall. They replay some stuff from the break, and now they’re on the stage. Magnus is beating on Joe, while Tenay tells me to follow Dixie on Twitter, and they show a graphic and talk about an article that Sports Illustrated did on Dixie. Magnus and Joe brawl down the ramp into the ring, Joe takes down Magnus, tries a backsplash and misses, but hits a powerslam. Joe misses a dive, and Magnus hits a powerslam that gets 2. Suplex by Magnus, then he goes to the top rope, but Joe cuts him off with a chop, and tries a superplex, but Magnus ducks down to the apron and kicks him off. He then goes to the top again and hits an elbow for 2.
Chants for Joe as Magnus tries for a Cloverleaf, but Joe kicks out of it – Magnus charges, but Joe powers him down to the mat. Magnus escapes out of the ring, but eats a nice dive from Joe. Joe goes for a pin on the floor, but only gets 2. Magnus gets Joe in the eyes, and then starts looking under the ring but finds nothing. He goes to the other side of the ring and finds a chair, which he wedges in between two turnbuckles, which is by far the lamest way you can possibly use a chair. Joe puts the Kokina Clutch on Magnus anyway, but Magnus escapes and Joe accidentally runs into the chair trying to chase after him. Magnus pins.
That was an extremely lame finish. Match wasn’t bad, I guess? But certainly wasn’t all that good. What does everyone think of Magnus, anyway? I don’t think he’s bad, but I also think he’s pretty over-rated. It seemed like they had figured out something to do with Joe, based on that video package and the backstage segment at the top of the show, with the whole Dixie thing, and that’s usually where people start going “this is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA”… and then TNA reminds them that they hate Joe. So basically the stuff with Dixie was pointless. Awesome.
Backstage, this Joseph Parks guy is walking, and he’s about to fight his brother Abyss.
So Abyss is fighting… the… guy playing Abyss? Are you fucking kidding me?
Abyss .vs. Not Abyss
Here comes Bad Influence, and they’re apparently here to watch Abyss .vs. Abyss. This entertains them for some reason. Parks comes out, and says that for the last EIGHTEEN MONTHS, he’s been looking for his brother, Abyss. And that tonight should put “all the rumours to rest” and that if he has to get his butt kicked by his brother to prove they’re not the same person, he’ll do it. Daniels is drinking an Appletini at ringside.
Abyss is introduced, but doesn’t come out, because… well, because he’s already in the ring. They play his music and tease him coming out twice. This brings Daniels and Kaz back into the ring, and they’re upset. They call him fat and insult him, and dare Parks to fight him. Parks won’t do it, but Daniels thinks that if they “get some blood” that it will bring Abyss out. So Kaz comes up from behind him, and dumps a bucket of fake blood on him. Well I’m assuming it’s fake, because if not, then things in TNA are worse than I thought. Although I can picture them taking a giant jar to Sabin and going “hey, guess how you’re getting on the show tonight?”
Anyway, this doesn’t do anything, so Daniels just resumes yelling at him.
This continues until Parks walks out.
Tenay says that blood usually fires up Joseph Park, so he doesn’t understand. THAT’S the part he doesn’t understand? Like what could possibly have been the point of this? How do you air something like this, something this blatantly horrible, without a fucking plan?
FD Swayze: See, the main reason I thought TNA was going to be sold, or something was going on backstage at least, was simply the fact that the show has turned into this. Everything is just retarded. Like what is this?
Winner: I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB I HATE YOU CB
Gail Kim is in the ring, and apparently this is the second week of her open challenge. TNA’s version of Jimmy Snuka’s terrible daughter is with her. Apparently her name is Lady Tapa.
Open Challenge #2
Gail Kim (w/ Lady Tapa) .vs. Candice Larea
They proceed to have a horrible match, which concludes with Gail Kim hitting a powerbomb and an admittedly different-looking finisher called “Eat The Feet”. Cool move, horrible name.
Winner: Gail Kim
Two horrible matches so far.
Backstage, James Storm is looking for weapons, and he finds a kendo stick, crutches, a bat, and some other shit.
Like seriously… how many of these could they POSSIBLY sell? Who is shelling out five bucks and shipping for this?
They do another video package of AJ Styles, brought to you by “The Friends Of AJ”. It highlights him wrestling in Japan, and I guess it couldn’t really be a regular TNA video package if AJ is out of TNA. So, that’s not a bad touch at least.
Backstage, Ken Anderson says that Bully Ray tried taking away his career, life and kids. He says tonight is the end of Aces & Eights, and that it should have been the end a long time ago. Ken Anderson is horrible.
Also backstage, GUNSTORM comes up to Storm and tells him that he doesn’t need all the shit he has with him to beat Roode. Storm thanks GUNSTORM for being a real partner, but says that he doesn’t need the weapons… but he wants them. GUNSTORM says he has Storm’s back tonight, and then they do a Beer Money video package.
Storm comes out to that music video where he drinks over a dozen beers before getting behind the wheel of his truck to go fuck some bar slut who slips him a room key.
Another commercial? For fuck’s sake.
TNA World Heavyweight Title Semi-Finals – Florida Death Match
James Storm .vs. Bobby Roode
This could be all right. These guys aren’t main-event material, but they’re decent enough for sure. Storm charges Roode as soon as he gets through the curtain, and goes to work on him with the kendo stick before beating him in the corner. Storm flings Roode into the steel steps as Mike Tenay pimps the Bellator Season 9 Finale. Storm throws all the weapons in the ring, and hits Roode with a crutch. Crowd chants “let’s go cowboy” just before Roode takes Storm down with a garbage can lid and then goes to work on him with a crutch. Storm fights back, puts the garbage can in between Roode’s legs, and then swings a kendo stick at the garbage can. Roode reacts like he just had his dick cut off. I’m not exactly sure how that’d work, I mean if he’d kicked the can I could see it, but… whatever.
Roode sets up a trash can and tosses Storm into it, but Storm stops short, picks up the can, throws it at Roode, misses him by a wide mile… but Roode goes down anyway. Taz tries to save this by saying that Storm didn’t get “all of it”, so Storm hits him again, this time full-on. They only replay the one that actually hit. Storm then tries an airplane spin that gets reversed, and Roode spinebusters Storm on the garbage can before hitting him with the lid… but Storm fights back with a different lid. They then both start trading hits with the lids, and both go down. Mike Tenay says they both only have until a 10-count to get up… which is the first fucking time anyone clarified how you win this match…
They both get out, Roode goes to the outside to get a beer bottle, and smashes a beer bottle over Storm’s head, and Taz reminds me that it’s the exact same way Roode won the title from Storm. Storm gets up though, before Roode takes him down with a clothesline and a chair. He then sets up two chairs and gives him the John Cena finisher through them. Storm gets up, and Roode screams at him to “DIE!” before hitting him over the head with the crutch again.
Roode gets a barb-wire board out, and GUNSTORM comes out to throw in the towel.
Winner: Bobby Roode
A DEATH MATCH… that ended with a towel being thrown in.
I mean, okay, the match wasn’t too bad (although the botched garbage can spot was funny) but it’s not like it was all that great either. And then they end it like that?!
Again… A DEATH MATCH… that ending in a towel being thrown in.
CB: Throw in the towel?!?! What is this, 1974?! Where’s Bischoff when you need him to rip up the format sheet?
FD Swayze: He won by a guy throwing in the towel? How do people defend this shit?
Jeff Hardy has a music video called “Every Other Day” and a new CD called “Plurality Of Worlds”.
We can only hope this reaches the heights that “Longnecks & Rednecks” did.
Back from break, and Storm is arguing with GUNSTORM. Tenay and Taz say that GUNSTORM did the right thing. They go over this for about three minutes.
Christy is “at the home” of “up and coming” TNA “superstar” Sam Shaw. She wants him to show her around, and this jar of pomade that I’ve never heard of tells her that he prefers to be called “Samuel”. He tells her he is into extreme sports and shows her some paintings. Christy says thanks for showing them around, even though he hasn’t shown them anything aside from the couch. TNA can’t even tour an apartment properly. So then, she says “cut” and the camera goes behind a wall so this guy can ask Christy out “off camera”. Apparently this is part of some new “Impact 365” thing they’re doing. Christy gives him her number and says they’ll meet up later.
FD Swayze: Wow, that was easy. He’s totally going to fuck her later.
Crystal: Has this turned into a Lifestyle show now? And this chick hasn’t reverted to doing porn yet?
Then backstage… some fans are talking. Then another guy comes in, and CB tells me it’s “Ethan Carter III” and that the two fans are jobbers that lose to Ethan Carter III every single week. Basically, he flew them down there to tell them they’re losers and that he’s fighting a TNA legend tonight instead of them. All right then.
Without CB, I’d not have known who any of these people were.
JB was going to interview Bully Ray, but he would rather be interviewed by Brooke with a big dude I don’t recognize in the background. Basically, Bully saved Anderson’s job, and Anderson was ungrateful. Bully says that once Ken is out, that Bully will take care of his pregnant wife.
CB: Brooke Tessmacher, the ultimate fluffer.
Kurt Angle talks about fighting Magnus later and how he knows how tough the guy is. Someone says that Dixie needs to see Kurt right away, and Kurt walks off.
Ethan Carter III .vs. Shark Boy
So, I don’t totally know what the fuck is going on here, but I remember something from BFG about this being Dixie’s nephew.. Apparently this dude is tired of beating up the two stoners he was talking to backstage, so he wants to fight a “returning legend”, and that returning legend is Shark Boy. Carter jumps him from behind, and they play around a bit before Shark chases Carter around outside the ring. He gives him the 10 punches on the ropes, and apparently TNA is having “Genesis” on Impact next year as well. Carter gives Shark a bodyslam, and then hits Jeff Jarrett’s horrible finisher. Pin.
Winner: Ethan Carter III
Lame. This loser gets the mic, and says he’s a Carter, and that “the world needs us.”
They do a Ken Anderson / Bully Ray video package. Apparently Ken Anderson wasn’t a very good “vice president” so Bully Ray kicked him out. I don’t recognize anyone else in Aces & Eights at all besides Bully’s fluffer.
Angle and Roode are in Dixie’s office, and Dixie says they all made it to the final four of the tournament. She says that next week, they’re going to have an 8-man elimination tag-match, and each guy will captain a team. Because, you know… elimination tags in November. Haven’t seen that anywhere before.
Bully Ray .vs. Ken Anderson
Thank God this is almost over…. but THIS is the main event? Are you serious? I gotta hope Bully wins this. I’m not huge on Bully (although he’s not bad) – the thing is though, if he wins Anderson is gone from TNA and that’s NOTHING but a good thing. The company may be doomed anyway, but if it’s not, they gotta get rid of this fucking albatross of a guy. He does NOTHING FOR THEM but they just KEEP PUSHING HIM. He’s a horrible talker and a horrible wrestler. If Anderson wins… Aces & Eights disband. And who cares about that? Who is even in that anymore? Who was even in it to begin with?
Anderson jumps him before the bell and punches him in the dick a bunch of times. Bully retreats and the crowds chant for Anderson? Seriously? Anyway, Ray and Anderson brawl on the outside and Ray takes control. A bunch of guys are watching from the ramp for some reason, and Ray gets out a table.
Back, and the table is set up in the turnbuckle, and Bully suplexing Anderson in the ring. Taz is talking about how “we” have to disband if Anderson wins – I’m sorry… is Taz is Aces & Eights? What possible point could there be to that? Ray working on Anderson in the corner, and dares Anderson to slap him. So Anderson does, and Ray charges him into the corner and flattens him. Ray grabs the chain and hits Anderson with it, and tries a splash but misses. Anderson grabs the chain and starts working on Ray with the chain, but runs into a nice Rock Bottom-looking move from Ray that gets him 2. Ray takes Anderson outside and rips the mat back, exposing the cement. He goes for a piledriver on it, but Anderson gives him a backdrop instead.
Then Anderson goes for the piledriver on the cement, and “Knux”, whoever that is, gets involved and hits Anderson from behind. Anderson fights Knux off and piledrives Knux on the cement. He then pulls the vest off, and Taz reacts like he committed a war crime. Ray jumps him from behind but Anderson punches him in the dick yet again and hits his horrible rolling move, right before going for his horrible Mic Check finisher. Bully fights out and spears him through the table. He tries a pin but only gets 2.
Ray sends Brooke to get a hammer from Taz. She throws it to Bully, but Anderson catches it instead and hits Ray with it before hitting his horrible finisher. He pins.
Winner: Ken Anderson
Another horrible match. The wrestlers on the ramp all go up to the announce booth and demand Taz’s Aces & Eights jacket. This is apparently some kind of big deal. I don’t know why, but I’m guessing it’s somehow related to how Eric Bischoff used to do a PPV at a bike rally every year.
Well. That…. happened.
See you on Sunday for WWE Survivor Series, which won the popular vote of That Being Said: Readers Choice – brought to you by Dusty Rhodes forgetting to use birth control a couple times in the 70’s and 80’s.
I’ll be in my trailer.
Tags: AJ Styles, Bully Ray, Jeff Hardy, tna impact