Welcome to the Rasslin’ Roundtable for WWE Battleground! I am your always faithful master of ceremonies, Rhett Davis, and today we dissect what will happen this Sunday at WWE Battleground. Now without further ado…
WWE Battleground Pre-Show Match
Naomi vs. Cameron
Steven Berkman: Naomi via ass to the face and terrible Final Cut because they’re pushing her hard and because Cameron can’t execute a wrestling move.
Chris Sanders: The only good thing about this is that they’re breaking up and we’ll get more Naomi singles matches. The bad thing about this is that we’ll get more Cameron singles matches. I like Naomi and all but that’s bad enough to set an entire village on fire. There’s a part of me that kinda wants Cameron vs Eva Marie to happen just because I’m curious just how bad it would be.
Sideshowbob: Who wins? The guy handing out mints and towels in the shutter at the titty-bar. Guaranteed that fucker is gonna make cash money during this. Whichever is the face..
Rhett Davis: The Funkadactyls collide! I’m glad this duo is finally breaking up as they had definitely run their course and one is vastly more talented than the other. I’m still in amazement at how Cameron got a job in WWE after saying her favorite match of all time was Melina vs. Alicia Fox. You know that had to have been a running joke in the backstage area after she came in as a dancer. Anyways, Naomi wins or I lose all hope in there ever being a decent Diva’s division.
The Tally: Naomi – 4
Cameron – 0
Teaparty vs. Russia (Who’s the face, really?)
Jack Swagger vs. Rusev
Steven Berkman: Rusev wins, but Swagger shines. No excuse to beat Rusev right now, because then he just becomes “another guy”. After the plane tragedy this week, expect the Putin bit with Lana to be cut and them possibly go back to Rusev being Bulgarian with no mention of “Russia” spoken aloud. Zeb and Lana will be hilarious at ringside.
Chris Sanders: It feels wrong to be this conflicted over who is going to win this match. Normally there’s no way that I would even consider Swagzilla but dat pop doe. Shame on me for underestimating Zeb and assuming he could only ever work as a heel. WWE will probably have this be the most contested Rusev match to date but I don’t see Swagguar being the one that ends Rusev’s streak. Let’s face it, Rusev is gonna beat everyone and everything until John Cena stops him dead and then he’ll become a comedic character the rest of his WWE career.
Sideshowbob: Jack Swagger gets fed so Super Cena can stop Rusevs onslaught is the typical pattern.. but given world events.. just like the middle eastern guy whose racial gimmick tanked due to real world timing, I’ll actually say Swagger here..
Winner: Jack Swagger
Rhett Davis: How weird is it to see Jack Swagger receiving cheers? Or weirder yet is that the Tea Party supporters are getting cheers. Either way, Zeb Colter is a genius and Jack Swagger has played his part well. Rusev, however, is a monster that won’t easily be defeated by Jack Swagger. Rusev will win this in a close match-up.
The Tally: Rusev – 3
Jack Swagger – 1
WWE Divas Championship
AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige
Steven Berkman: Freakin A yeah. Paige either completes the pending heel turn and “cheats” AJ out of her precious title or AJ gets a clean babyface win over the Brit. Whoever gets their submission on first will lose, since the other one will answer with their own. This will be very good and the commentary team will treat it like a joke.
Chris Sanders: I’m just happy that this is happening again and might even get decent time.
Sideshowbob: AJ defends without interference from her husband.
Rhett Davis: This should be a fun match-up if given the time, but I see this going between Bray/Jericho and the fatal-4-way match. It’ll be given something like eight or ten minutes, but I’d like to see what these two ladies are made of considering they are revered as the top two in the WWE. All that being said, I see Paige getting rolled up in the end by her ‘frenemy.’
The Tally: AJ – 4
Paige – 0
The Shield Break-Up, ?#?TeamSeth vs. ?#?TeamDean
Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose
Steven Berkman: The bit here seems to be both guys hurt going in – Dean from the beatdown and Seth from the “leg injury” from Raw. If you want Ambrose to be a guy at the level of his former SHIELDmates, he needs this win. Rollins has been getting wins or near wins since joining the Authority and is being presented as a huge star and “the future”, although he’s bound to either lose his MITB cash in or maybe even the briefcase itself. Figure Ambrose to do his signature “shoulder pop” bit during the match, pop that puppy back in and hit Dirty Deeds to win. Or Kane scums him out.
Winner: Dean Ambrose
Chris Sanders: Dean Ambrose has been getting his face kicked in pretty much all week. The John Cena Principle tells us that when this happens, it is almost a sure thing that the kickee will finally prevail over the kicker. However, Dean Ambrose is not John Cena (I will pause here to allow you to rejoice) and Seth has a lot of shenanigans in his corner but I still feel it’s about time for Dean to gain the upper hand.
Winner: Dean Ambrose
Sideshowbob: Dean vs Mechagodzilla – Dean wins barely.
Winner: Dean Ambrose
Rhett Davis: This is an interesting match, but I wonder how much the injury will take effect in this. It wouldn’t do anything for Dean to have an injury to use as an excuse but it would be an ‘easy-out’ for Seth who is the heel here. I say Dean wins this in a great match.
Winner: Dean Ambrose
The Tally: Dean Ambrose – 4
Seth Rollins – 0
WWE Tag Team Championship Two out of Three Falls Match
The Usos (c) vs. The Wyatt Family
Steven Berkman: This is 2/3 falls for some reason. I mean, wrestling three times a week isn’t enough, let’s do three times in a night, right? I guess if the Wyatts win, Bray can say he’s a step closer to his power and absolution or whatever crapspackle he spouted before Money in the Bank. He never wanted a title before, now they give him power. As long as I get to see a TON of Luke Harper being awesome, I’ll be satisfied. Expect a Young Bucks-level of super kicks (To chins and guts) from the Usos and Harper. Rowan will bodyslam people. I have to pick, so Wyatts, as I expect Bray to win too…
Winners: The Wyatt Family
Chris Sanders: Honestly had no idea that this was a 2 out of 3 falls match. Should be fun to watch but we are getting this match a lot and I think I’m just ready to see different matches. I don’t really have much else to add here so I’m gonna do this again. To prove that you’re actually reading all over this, post the following in the comments section: “Sanders is easily the best writer on this site or any other and don’t even get me started on Classy Ring Attire (which is a podcast you can subscribe to on iTunes NOW). Joel thinks he will gain people’s hearts by having his lovely girlfriend on the podcast during Chris’ vacation but NO, Chris is the only master of our hearts and emotions because he is the true driving force of Classy Ring Attire. Let us all follow @CRAttire on twitter and let our voices be heard on this issue. We shall start the #SandersMovement by rating CRA on iTunes and expressing our love for Sanders in the review section. Valar Morghulis, Joel. Blair is a knob.”
Winner: The Wyatts
Sideshowbob: Time for the Wyatts to cash in finally.
Winners: The Wyatt Family
Rhett Davis: Yawn. This has been going on for awhile and it would be okay if there was actually a storyline progression, but there hasn’t been one. The Wyatts are creepy, the Wyatts are dirty, the Wyatts don’t play by the rules and The Usos are fun. That’s literally all that this storyline has been about. The Wyatt Family wins this one to finally end this feud. Wyatts win fall one, Usos win fall two big, and seem to be in control for the third one before eventually losing it.
Winners (and NEW WWE Tag Team Champions): The Wyatt Family
The Tally: The Wyatt Family – 4
The Usos – 0
Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal
Sheamus vs. Bo Dallas vs. Diego vs. Kofi Kingston vs. The Great Khali vs. Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Curtis Axel vs. Ryback vs. Big E vs. Fandango vs. Alberto del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Zack Ryder vs. Titus O’Neil vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Xavier Woods vs. Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater
Steven Berkman: Cesaro or Miz because everyone else in this is a goof or has been ruined or is Dolph Ziggler who is cursed to look great and fail. Miz because he’s feuding with Sheamus and maybe they can unify these unnecessary belts at SummerSlam and Cesaro because HES CESARO.
Winner: The Miz (Second choice being Cesaro)
Chris Sanders: It’s tempting to pick Cesaro but I think WWE is probably going to go with a feud that’s already happening right now.
Winner: That ramen-haired guy that Joel has a crush on (Ziggler). Back-up choice for no extra points: Fandango
Sideshowbob: Fuck it.. Bo Dallas just cuz it will piss people off even more
Winner: Bo Dallas
Rhett Davis: Hmm I’ll go ahead and say that Diego isn’t winning this one. I’d say the only ones who really have a shot in winning this one are Cesaro, Sheamus, Miz, Bo, Del Rio, RVD, or (as a stretch) Dolph Ziggler. Although I think whoever wins this (if not Sheamus), will go on to feud with Sheamus at SummerSlam to unite the belts. I’ll rest my hat on Cesaro winning this to go on to unite the titles at SummerSlam.
Winner (and NEW Intercontinental Championship): Cesaro
The Tally: The Miz – 1
Dolph Ziggler – 1
Bo Dallas – 1
Cesaro – 1
The Lite-Brite Jacket vs. The Lantern
Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt
Steven Berkman: Jericho’s part time job is to come back, be awesome, get pops and put over talent. He does it better than anyone in WWE does their job. Bray Wyatt wins here, pretty decidedly, unless the program continues to Summerslam.
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Chris Sanders: On one hand having Bray win might be the best way to continue the feud into Summer Slam (that’s right, it’s that time of year where I take a stand on this PPV being two words) but then there’s my desire to see Jericho actually win a PPV match seeing as how he probably hasn’t done that in a few years (I’m probably wrong but you get the idea).
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Sideshowbob: Bray beats Jericho. Maybe Jericho starts to grow the evil beard as a result. Or does the evil beard grow Jericho? Food for thought…
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Rhett Davis: This should be a great match as this card is looking better and better as far as match quality is concerned. As for who wins, I think Chris Jericho actually comes out of this the victor only for this feud to continue into SummerSlam. Jericho wins, Bray comes out Monday night and gets violent again. No more singing, hopefully.
Winner: Chris Jericho
The Tally: Bray Wyatt – 3
Chris Jericho – 1
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Four Way Match
John Cena (c) vs. Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton vs. Kane
Steven Berkman: Cena, because we all know that they’re building to Brock taking the straps off him after seeing Heyman offer to be Plan C on Raw. Reigns will hit all his signature spots four times each but get eliminated by bullcrap means because in WWE if you ever lose once to anyone for any reason you’re ruined and weak and…yeah. Cena hits AA on Kane at the end, just because Orton is too predictable.
Winner: John Cena
Chris Sanders: This would be obvious even if a Summer Slam promo hadn’t’ve (double contraction, bitches) spoiled it last week.
Winner: That square-headed square, John Cena
Sideshowbob: Reigns wins, Cena loses by Brock smash, Brock smash Reigns, Rollins cashes in… Ambrose tries to stop and rock smash Ambrose, Cena chases off Brock Smash and then Bocksmash gets angry and kicks the shit out of Cena while shield brawls… end show
Winner: Roman Reigns
Rhett Davis: C’mon. John Cena wins here after a pretty good and fast-paced matchup. No need to discuss this further.
Winner (and STILL WWE World Heavyweight Champion): John Cena
The Tally: John Cena – 3
Roman Reigns – 1
Well thanks for joining us and be sure to keep it tuned in here for the live results of the show on Sunday!
Tags: AJ, aj lee, Battleground, Bo Dallas, Bray Wyatt, Cameron, Cesaro, chris jericho, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, jack swagger, john cena, kane, Luke Harper, naomi, Paige, randy orton, Roman Reigns, rusev, seth rollins, sheamus, The Miz, the usos, The Wyatt Family, WWE, WWE Battleground