Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for August 22nd 2014: (Insert Lemongrab Scream, For No Real Reason)

Hey there, lads and lasses. Your beleaguered SmackDown reviewer is here, exhausted after a frickin’ hilarious afternoon/evening/night (it really depended on the time zone) with Jonah Kue and BD, recording the latest in that excellent audio series: Trashy Ring Attire. Pray download it once available, and listen to us muse eloquently about SummerSlam and whether or not Stephanie McMahon is sexy.

With that being said, it’s a new dawn and we have a feral, drooling manbeast as our champion (with the skinniest, whitest, girliest calves I have ever seen). Oh, and by the way, allow me to feel savagely pleased at the fact that now RAW will rarely see its world champion either. You hear that, Czerwonka and Harrak? We’re all in the same boat now!

So, yeah, let’s get to the show.

We start off with the Viper, and even though he lost at SummerSlam, at least he didn’t end up looking like a character from a Lars Von Trier movie (do not watch Lars Von Trier movies). We see Michael Cole sitting by himself and I’m about to commit seppuku when he reveals that JBL is still there and so is some chap called ‘Tom Philips’. Well, unless he’s a cleverly disguised Jerry Lawler, he’s got to be better at commentary than Jerry Lawler, but I still demand to know why Renee Young’s probably-shapely hindquarters aren’t gracing that seat. Still, let’s see what ‘Tom’ can do and, more importantly, what nickname I can come up with for him.

Three seconds in, ‘Tom’ is a better commentator than Mike Adamle and Jerry Lawler combined. Orton says that one match does not define him, although it does define every other match he’s had. Orton says he’s never been called a loser, so clearly he’s never been on…the internet. He shows us his assault on Reigns from last month, and says that’s what happens when he’s focused, which makes you wonder why Randy is so unfocused 99% of the time. Orton has a match with Rob Van Dam; talk about unfocused. He says he will simply take our respect from us, which sounds like a vague rape threat.

I Learned That Rollins Is Latin American Last Night, Which Means That This Makes Sense

Rollins’ music plays, and he comes out with his bullshit bullion briefcase and his Batman-themed BDSM suit. He shakes hands with a retreating Orton, because he probably didn’t want to get respect-mugged. ‘Tom’ sure seems to be on top of things so far. Michael says that John Cena has demanded a rematch with Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions, which is like a crippled Bruce Wayne wheeling himself up to Bane and saying ‘bet you can’t do that again, fucker’. Having said that, I look forward to the spectacle of Brock ripping off Cena’s head and quoting Hamlet. Or any Shakespeare, actually.

Rollins will be facing Jack Swagger and, honestly, fuck Jack Swagger. Fuck his xenophobia, fuck his escort of soldiers who couldn’t do a rifle drill if their nation depended upon them and fuck anyone who expects me to view him as a face. We get a look back at Rollins injuring Ambrose, and God I hope we’re in for some historical recreation tonight. Apparently Ambrose escaped medical personnel and is currently ‘at large’, which is the greatest reason for an absence since people were getting dragged into parking lots by the Wyatts.

Here’s Swagger, and JBL despises him almost as much as I do. Bell rings and Seth gets taken over twice by Simple Jack. Seems like Rollins asked for the match and told Swagger ‘you failed your country’. Good for you, Seth. Rollins gets backed into the corner, but hits a shot to the ribs, hitting a front dropkick. Knees get dropped to the ribs, and Seth wraps his legs around Swagger’s midsection. Jack backs Seth into the turnbuckles to break the hold, but Rollins takes him right back down, hitting a forearm, but gets caught coming off the second rope and belly-to-belly slammed. Swagger tries to lunge at Seth, but gets caught on the apron with a kick as we got to break.

We come back to the action as Seth has his legs once again wrapped around Jack’s midsection, but Swagger gains a reprieve via a German Suplex to Rollins. Seth misses a stinger splash, getting tossed and knocked around the ring by Jack. Swagger Bomb connects, causing Jack grief to the ribs. ‘Tom”s whole role appears to be actually calling the action: God, that’s new. Seth hits a kick to the ribs, gets tossed onto the apron and hits a kick to the head. Seth comes off the top rope, but lands right into the Patriot Lock. He rolls out, misses the Curb Stomp and Jack drives both men out to the floor. Seth comes back into the ring, tries a baseball slide but gets caught in the Patriot Lock on the outside. Swagger tries to clothesline Rollins, but runs into the steel post and get caught on the outside. Ref’s counting, and Jack hustles back into the ring…and immediately gets Curb Stomped. He falls to the outside and gets counted out.

Well, I can totally get behind Swagger getting hurt. And the match itself was okay too. 2.5 Stars.

Hah, here comes Bo Dallas, playing the part of salt in Swagger’s wounds. Oh, and careful, ‘Tom’; you stay out of the morality conversation, now. Bo calls Jack Swagger ‘an American zero’, and damn it, he’s right. He calls himself America’s new sweetheart, and tells us to Bolieve. I love the fact that ‘Bolieve’ is now a word in my Microsoft Word Dictionary.

We look back at the Bellas apparently having their first fight ever and Nikki’s just godawful acting. She’s so wooden, the only role she could play is a mahogany desk I’ll tell ya what! Can’t blame Nikki for being in a bad place, really; her boyfriend did get completely emasculated on Sunday.

Here’s Miz backstage with Kane, and they just force the skinny pumpkin spice latte jokes, don’t they? This is weird, because Kane has more right to be called a movie star than the guy who’s doing the movie star gimmick, mainly because his movie wasn’t called See No Evil 4. Miz is in a match with Reigns, and is Kane’s alignment ‘be a dick to the closest person to me’ at the minute? Not that I mind; I’d just like to know.

Still Less Of A Squash Than Lesnar vs. Cena.

Here’s Lana and Rusev, and Rusev is facing Sin Cara. Rusev beats the unholy fuck out of Sin Cara, so they can bring out the latest black guy that Rusev’s feuding with. I actually wrote that sentence out during Rusev’s entrance, and that exact thing ended up happening. Sin Cara did have some good-looking movement in the ring.

2 Stars (I’m a sucker for a squash).

Post-match, Henry did come out and Rusev ran off. Henry yells ‘I don’t speak Russian!’, like a lack of linguistic knowledge is a point of pride.

Renee Young, looking incredible this week, is backstage with Rob Van Dam. She asks how he feels about Orton; Rob says Randy needs to chill out. Oh boy, Rob’s going to try and deal to Orton in the ring, isn’t he? Orton attacks Van Dam out of nowhere, prompting Renee to shoot a ‘fuck’s sake’ look at the camera. Randy tells her to tell Rob he’ll be waiting for him in the ring.

Renee Should Have Come Out To Fight For Rob

Orton’s in the ring, awaiting Rob Van Dam, who sprints out at him. Wow, he actually is almost displaying emotion. Orton is chased out, but comes back in the ring, taking Van Dam down in the corner and stomping him. Van Dam dodges a charge and rocks Orton with a collection of kicks. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Rob fired up, seriously. He somersaults over the top rope, taking Orton down on the outside, and then drops him on the barricade and tries to hit his spin kick, but Randy dodges. One guy in the crowd yells ‘what did you think was going to happen?!’ Fair play, man. Orton flings Rob into the barricades and slams him off the announce tables and throws him into the steps. Bell rings for a DQ as Orton back suplexes Van Dam onto the table.

Meh, 2 Stars for the violence and for Van Dam not acting stoically stoned in terms of emotion.

Vintage DDT onto the outside, and Orton is handily beating the shit out of RVD here. Back in the ring, Randy grabs a chair and RKOs Rob onto it. Orton then tells the announce team to tell Roman he’ll see him out here later. Why does Randy assume that everyone can be bothered to deliver his messages?

Renee Young’s backstage, and here’s Roman Reigns. She asks him about Orton’s threat, and Roman acts pissed about what the Authority did to Ambrose, despite the fact he did jack and shit to stop them. Sounds like some motherfuckers are going to get their drinks poisoned.

You Know, Paige, They’ll Probably Make AJ Give You The Belt Back Anyway

Natalya’s in the ring, and God, the German announce team are terrifyingly enthusiastic. Must be Nattie’s blonde hair setting them off. But here comes Paige, fresh from her softcore lesbian advert for the WWE Network this Sunday. I can’t get over the fact that it looks like Paige is wrestling in her underwear, and I worry that someone’s going to walk in when I’m reviewing these matches.

Paige immediately socks Natalya in the face, stomping her in corner to follow it up. Nat slaps her in the face and hits some punches in return. Double-underhook suplex to Paige, followed up by a baseball slide. Paige is thrown into the ring, but ducks back out and kicks Nat in the chin when she follows. Natalya gets pulled into the steel ring post shoulder-first. Headbutts to Nat, and she hits a clubbing blow to the spine before hitting knees to Natalya on the apron. Paige vines her legs around Nat’s midsection, but then AJ’s music hits. Nat breaks the hold, but nearly gets pinned off a press from Paige. AJ runs off with the belt as Paige drops Nattie with a hard knee to the face. Paige pursues AJ, who gives the belt back, and Paige sprints back into the ring to break the count, immediately getting caught in a sharpshooter by Natalya, and she taps as AJ watches.

Okay, you all probably know by now I hate when wrestlers see someone walking off with their belt and don’t think ‘well, I figure management won’t let them leave the arena with it. And hey, I’m still the champion, right?’ But this was actually more entertaining than usual; maybe because AJ gave it right back. Plus, this seems to tease at Natalya making this a triple-threat, and that sounds pretty good to me. 2.5 Stars.

Cody Creeps Me Out More Than The Wyatts

The Dust Brothers show up, followed by the Wyatts. It seems like the Dusts might be getting a title shot, considering their win on Monday over the Usos, and that the Wyatts are somewhat preoccupied by Big Show and Mark Henry. Stardust is starting off against Harper, and away we go. Punches to Harper, then Stardust rolls out of a back suplex but gets worked over in the corner. He jumps over Harper in the corner and hits a shot to the side of the head, taking control. Harper takes it back with an elbow, tagging in Rowan. Rowan catches Stardust, but Goldust had the blind tag and takes it to Erick with some fists, but Rowan just straight overpowers him and beats him down.

JBL and Michael bully ‘Tom’, which from what I hear from shoot interviews means that JBL kind of likes him. I assume Michael’s just found some reason that ‘Tom’ is morally comparable to a Nazi paedophile. Rowan is still in control, until a Rhodes Uppercut takes him out, but even then Rowan just straight up Cor Vons (obscure reference) him into a commercial.

Back from the break, Harper’s in control of Goldust, tagging in Rowan, who hits a bodyslam and big leg drop. Goldust is kept down as Rowan works him over. Tag to Harper, who slams fists into Goldust in the corner. Gator Roll inflicts yet more punishment, but Goldust hits a boot, then the hurricanrana…and gets hit with a superkick and a Batista Bomb. Stardust breaks up the pin, and then low-bridges Rowan. Harper knocks Stardust off the apron; Goldust rolls Harper up and that’s three.

Decent match. I’m not sure how well the Dusts and the Usos will play off each other, although a Brothers vs. Brothers match is reason enough for it to happen. 2.5 Stars.

The Wyatts get pissy after the match, destroying the Dusts for daring to hand them another loss. Harper throws Cole’s chair at Stardust, because fuck your need to sit down, Michael. Clothesline and a splash does for Goldust. ‘Tom’ snarkily offers Michael his chair afterwards, which I appreciate. I’m surprised the German announce team didn’t claim the chair as lebensraum.

Breaking news from Triple H, that news being ‘we don’t have anyone we can seriously put in a match with Brock Lesnar other than John Cena’. We’re all aware that Triple H just condoned Cena’s televised euthanasia, right? We recap Lesnar’s belt presentation ceremony, and I have to feel bad for the guy; he destroys Cena handily and they give him a belt with the Network logo on it? He should have ripped Hunter’s face off and stitched it over that symbol. Cena will apparently be on RAW next week to address matters, and I hope beyond hope that he cries at some point during that.

Guess Which Wrestler Recently Held The Intercontinental Title

Main event time, and here comes Roman Reigns. With about six minutes left on the clock, I have an idea where this is going. I have no idea what that thing Miz is wearing is, but I’m sure it is not a real article of clothing. We see a replay of Roman punching Miz’s cheekbone into fragments and dust, which I think was the production team’s way of going ‘remember this, Miz? You big bitch.’ Orton immediately comes out, aware that Miz is not going to be a threat to Roman on his own.

Miz tries to jump Reigns, who beats him down until Miz runs off, but Roman cuts him off on the outside and clotheslines him. Back in the ring, Miz actually gets in some shots, but then immediately gets Samoan dropped. Orton tries to slither into the ring, but Reigns backs him down. Miz hits a big boot, throwing some hands to a prone Roman. He goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale, but eats a spear and gets pinned.

Not that much of anything there. 2 Stars.

Roman wants himself some of Orton, and Randy seems set to accommodate him, actually getting in the ring. Wait, are we sure that’s Orton? When did he grow a spine? The guys tee off, throwing hands before Reigns gets clotheslined outside the ring. Roman manages to smash him off the steps; Reigns gets hurled into the barricade but comes back to uppercut Orton. Randy grabs a chair and hammers Roman with it, throwing him back in the ring. RKO on the chair is attempted, but Reigns counters and gives Orton a taste of his own chair-medicine. Superman Punch effectively brings the argument to a close, with Roman Reigns standing tall.

Kind of a weird SmackDown: felt like a strange comedown from SummerSlam. Enjoyable, but just a little off in places. Maybe I’m not drunk enough; it’s conceivable. Seven.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The ‘Bo Dallas’. After dissatisfactory intercourse with your partner, perform a victory lap around the bed.

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