The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 01.08.96

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 01.08.96

And now they double back and add the missing January 8 episode, although the atrocious RAW Bowl episode is still MIA.  Current theory on Reddit is that there’s music rights issues.  Whatever, I’m just happy to have the gaps filled in.

Oh, also, PRIMETIME WRESTLING begins this week on the Network.

*drops the mic*

Oh yeah, that just happened.

 

Taped from wherever.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Jeff Jarrett v. Hakushi

Jarrett dumps Hakushi, but he comes back in with a flying shoulderblock and JJ bails to escape.  He’s already ready to walk out on the match, but decides to bore us further and attacks to take over.  Choking on the ropes and we take a break, returning with Jarrett using an abdominal stretch.  Hakushi escapes that dire circumstance, but JJ comes back with a DDT and dodges a dropkick for two.  Jarrett grabs a chinlock, but Hakushi comes back with a handspring elbow for two. A splash hits knees and Jarrett finishes with the figure-four at 8:00.  Clearly neither guy gave a shit at this point.  *

Royal Rumble Slam Jam with Jim Ross and Scheme Gene.  Nothing to this.

Ahmed Johnson v. Jeff Bretler

The jobber appears to be wearing Abdullah the Butcher’s pants, and Ahmed suplexes him around in pretty stiff manner.  Spinebuster and Pearl River Plunge finishes at 1:30.  Who let that goof on TV with that gear?  Jeff Jarrett tries a sneak attack afterwards and then decides to run away instead.

The Ringmaster debuts on the Brother Love show and Dibiase officially crowns him as the new Million Dollar Champion.  Austin cuts a pretty good promo to start his new gimmick, but what a lame name to overcome.

Goldust v. Aldo Montoya

Clearly the push for Aldo was done.  Goldust attacks and hits him with a backdrop suplex, as Vince notes that he “knows how to get heat”.  GET IT?  Goldust stomps away, but Aldo comes back as a JELLYFISH OF FIRE, but walks into the Curtain Call at 3:00.

Shawn Michaels announces that he’s coming back at the Royal Rumble.  Lucky group of reporters who got to attend that press conference.  Also, apparently at this time Shawn inherited $2.5 million from a fan and tried to keep it quiet.  That’s a lot of blow money.  No wonder he was able to stay wasted for four years straight.

Meanwhile, everyone gives their thoughts on Shawn entering the Rumble.

And we finish with a full replay of the Bret Hart v. British Bulldog match from IYH5, complete with uncensored blood.  Too bad they didn’t edit out the weak finish.  Did they not have enough footage to do a full show and needed to pad out the last half hour or something?  Especially since it was a giant slap in the face to the miniscule audience of PPV buyers at that point.

Meanwhile, Billionaire Ted is looking for a new slogan, and settles on “Where the big boys play”, because it’s just dishonest enough to sound believable.  Nacho Man suggests drug testing, but Huckster notes that they have nothing to worry about, because they’re not in the WWF anymore.  What a load of horseshit.  Shawn Michaels was probably running on caffeine and a giant bag of amphetamines while doing that stupid press conference.  I feel kind of dirty and sad even watching these.

Next week:  Well, we already covered that one.  Probably back to Nitro.

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