The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–05.06.96

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.06.96

Taped from Sioux City, IA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Wildman Marc Mero v. The 1-2-3 Kid

Mero wins a slugfest and grabs a headlock to start, then goes to work on the arm while HHH tries to maintain a snooty accent on commentary. Mero dropkicks Kid out of the ring and follows with a dive, but slingshots in and hits knee. The Kid uses CRANE STYLE to take over and gets a good dropkick into the corner. Kid with a sleeper while the announcers are already mocking Sable’s unchanging facial expression. I will say, those who complain about the terrible acting of the Total Divas crew probably didn’t have to live through Sable’s push on top. Mero fights out of the sleeper, but Kid hits him with a kick combo until Mero takes him down with a legdrag. Kid puts him down again with a spinkick for two and drops legs on him, setting up another sleeper. Kid uses the ropes like a good asshole heel and we take a break. Back with Mero making the comeback, and they both end up on the floor, but Kid tries to bring him back in with a superplex. Mero grabs the top rope and falls on top for the pin at 11:40. Kid was another one cranking it up to another level just before he bailed for WCW and a big contract. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase and Steve Austin accept Savio Vega’s strap match for the PPV, but if Savio loses he has to be become their chauffeur.

Meanwhile, some ring rat claims that Shawn Michaels also fucked her while her ex-husband was on the road. I wonder if that was supposed to be some kind of clever allusion to Elizabeth?

The British Bulldog v. Fatu

Bulldog makes the fatal error of ramming Fatu’s head into the turnbuckles, which only makes him dance. Bulldog bails for advice from Diana and Cornette. That advice? “Always check the ring for trap doors before taking any flat back bumps.” Back in, we get the test of strength, but Bulldog crotches Fatu on the top rope and dumps him. Back in, Bulldog whips him around the ring and mocks Shawn Michaels, while Cornette chokes Fatu out with the racket. And then another angle that went nowhere, as Fatu’s family, the Samoan Gangsta Party, watches from ringside. That one was just totally abandoned. That would have been Samu and some other Anoia relative, I believe, playing OG Samoans who were trying to win Fatu back to the dark side. Sika had a shitload of kids, obviously. Fatu comes back with a sleeper, but Bulldog goes low to escape. Fatu makes the comeback, but walks into a clothesline and we get a patented 180 flip sell. Powerslam finishes clean at 8:00. This was fine. **

The Bodydonnas v. Tekno Team 2000

Apparently the Rockers won the rematch to earn a title shot, but the Godwinns were the ones who ended up with the tag titles. So I don’t know where the hell they unearthed Tekno Team 2000 from after their short and hilariously bad introduction in 1995, but here they are again. TT2K manages to double-team Skip while Harvey Wippleman takes notes on the refereeing at ringside, which actually led to Wippleman becoming a referee for a while. Zip comes in and gets double-teamed, but we take a break and Watts takes a flapjack when we return. I don’t even remember which was Troy and which was Travis. It’s Erik Watts and Chad Fortune, whatever. Watts fights back and misses a blind charge, knocking himself silly on the top turnbuckle. Bodydonnas with a slingshot suplex for two and Skip works the arm. Vince clarifies that Erik Watts is in fact Troy. Zip goes up and misses an elbow, and it’s hot (?) tag Travis. He quickly gets clobbered by the champs and Zip finishes with a terrible looking flying axehandle at 8:53. I have no idea how that was supposed to be painful. He basically landed on the mat and then did a double axehandle while sitting on his ass and pinned the guy. This was a thing that happened to fill 10 minutes. * Like really, TEKNO TEAM 2000? These are the guys getting TV time?

Undertaker v. Owen Hart

Apparently Goldust now has to defend the title against Undertaker in a casket match at the PPV, because reasons. Man, after Ramon left Goldust really was a completely directionless character. Like really, did I totally miss the issue behind this feud between last week and this week’s show? Owen runs away for a couple of minutes and we take a break, returning with Goldust harassing Paul Bearer as the camera totally ignores the match. Paul runs away as Owen works on the leg for a while, but he tries the Sharpshooter and gets chokeslammed. Taker throws out of the ring and Goldust assists Owen back in with a squeeze of the ass, and Undertaker finishes with the tombstone at 8:35. I sense Owen was getting ribbed there for some reason. Nothing match. *

The Pulse

A pretty blah show with a bunch of meandering plotlines, but the Kid-Mero match was damn good.

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