Wrestling Opinions From A Sleazy Guy 6.11.15
By Sebastian Howard
My life has been a bit of a mess lately, if you follow my columns you remember a while back when I mentioned that I got caught being the lookout for a burglary and was facing some pretty serious charges. Well I finally had my court date on the 1st and everything was withheld from judication… the problem is NOW I’m on probation! Now as anyone who follows my columns knows this doesn’t suite me… even a little bit, as my intake for the week is usually a large combination of Zoloft, Grass, alcohol, speed, and sometimes Acid (my favorite). I’m still probably going to get fucked up, but I’m going to have to be very careful as to not get caught. I’m kind of afraid to even go into specifics for fear that my PO officer will somehow get his hands on this (my PO officer seems like a nice enough guy… but he also seems like he has the potential to pull a Chris Benoit, and his name is Michael Fucking Jackson!). Anyway, if I’m not here for a while it’s not TOO far out of the question that I’m in jail… in a nice little room all to myself, which you get if you say that you used to be suicidal. Jail isn’t THAT bad y’know… read a bunch of bad romance books and fall asleep…
Now as far as wrestling is concerned… its completely frustrating trying to review the shows lately. Elimination Chamber had two great matches in Owens/Cena and Rollins/Ambrose, and actually had me a bit positive toward the product. I was planning on reviewing the following Raw, but then the next two weeks were followed by some of the most mediocre, unexciting shows I’ve seen in a while. They completely dropped any momentum they had, and the only reason to review the shows at this point is a sense of, “I must review everything that’s modern to keep up with the times,” but in all honesty I don’t give a fuck about that ideology and would rather review something that I would have fun with, or at least would be halfway interesting. So instead of these bullshit 2015 shows, I’m just gonna jump back to 1998 again. Awh, the good old days… when I was two…
By the way I wanted to clarify something that I fucked up on in my last Sleazy Guy, I accidently got KOTR 98 and Survivor Series 98 mixed up, as Survivor Series is when The Rock gets his big push, not KOTR. I actually have no idea who wins the KOTR 98… Billy Gun wins 99… Edge wins 2001… but who the fuck wins 98? Mabel?
Raw is FUN 6 15 98
Last week at the end of the show they pulled the very cliché’ switcharoo by having KANE come out Taker’s casket, and Foley and Kane attacked Austin, and threw him in the casket. HOW DID AUSTIN GET OUT OF THE CASKET!!!??? WHY IS THERE A CAGE ABOVE THE RING!!??? ALL THOSE ANSWERS AND MORE TONIGHT ON RAW!!!!
Sable comes out, which is weird because she’s been gone for a couple weeks since Mero dumped the obnoxious bitch, and got together with Jaclyn. Sable thanks Vince for returning her to the WWF, and Vince comes out doing the Bret Hart pose WHILE BEING BOOED THE ENTIRE TIME!!! What a badass! Some Mexican kid in the crowd flips off the camera giving the PTC something to use for their obnoxious WWF is Evil videos.
Vince gives Sable a prepared message, saying that Vince had nothing to do with the attack of Steve Austin last week. Sable looks like she’s having a really hard time reading that paper… I wonder if she had to practice backstage… I wonder if Vince helped Sable PRACTICE backstage??? With his dick.
Austin comes out, and nicely puts Sable out of the ring so he can fuck with Vince. Austin’s about to fuck up Vince so Vince runs around the whole ring, yelling, “Listen TO REASON AUSTIN!!!” And this is in Texas so the crowds chanting for Austin to kill him. Vince literally swears on his Grandmothers kittens that Taker set up Austin last week. Vince sets up this overly contrived reasoning as to why Taker set up Austin last week. The reasoning Vince is using is two weeks ago Taker challenged Austin to a match for the title, Vince said no. Last week Taker went backstage beating the shit out of everyone, and then got arrested. Vince is saying that Taker’s fucking with Austin, and the elaborate cop arrest was just a set up so he didn’t have to save Austin.
Honestly, its complete bullshit unless Russo decides to ignore all logic (which is completely in line with his booking), as it’s known that Vince is working with Kane and Foley. Taker comes out, and says Vince is full of shit, and tells Vince that he’ll never manipulate him. I don’t know… are you telling me Taker teamed up with Nathan Jones on his own free will? Kane, Foley, and Bearer come out. Bearer tries to fuck with Austin/Taker by saying that Bearer and Taker set up Austin last week. Bearer makes a Hell in A Cell tag match between Austin/Taker vs Kane/Foley which sounds pretty sweet.
Okay, with this segment I can see what they’re going for. In 1998 its plausible that the viewer would be doubting Taker, especially given WWF and WCW’s knack for unlogical turns. The problems though are many, why would Taker turn on Austin and NOT team up with Vince and Friends? If Taker was a double agent for them there’s no way Bearer and Vince would be exposing him, as they would want Austin to trust Taker. I think the most damming thing though is if you follow the cohesion from the rest of the year. There is no plausible reason, from what we’ve seen for Taker to turn heel, as he’s been feuding with McMahon over the last two weeks, and feuding with Kane and Bearer. There’s absolutely no reason, from a motivation standpoint for Taker to turn, and logically it just doesn’t make any sense. Also, as anyone who follows the storyline knows that Taker stays face throughout the entire feud as they become tag champs, and have a face vs face match at Summerslam 98 (probably their second best match together, their best was from 96, some PPV…).
1st Match: The Rock vs Vader
I was barely paying attention to this match as I was writing the above, but The Rock was getting his ass kicked the entire time, and then Mark Henry interfered, hit his big splash, and The Rock hits the Rock Bottom for the win. Do you smell what the Rock is cooking???
Okay, I’m pretty sure Rock wins KOTR 98. It’s so cute that the KOTR USED to mean something, whereas now it just means that poor Wade Barrett’s going to continue being stuck in midcard Hell.
DX is teaching each other shit or something. Road Dog and X Pac make fun of Trip’s nose. Trips seems really self conscious about it. Edge has a trippy promo hyping his debut.
2nd Match: Droz…. Oh fuck this
I’m not sitting through a Droz match, you can go fuck yourself.
Anyone remember those weird Attack From McMac things Hyatte used to write? He’d literally just pretend to be Vince, and write these mini-columns attacking the IWC, and defending the dumbest shit ever. Like, there’s literally one where he defends Stephanie McMahon. Jesus Christ Hyatte, I’m honestly surprised that Eric S and Hyatte didn’t get into big Internet fights considering how a lot of Hyatte’s shit talking to the IWC seemed directed at Eric S, or at least subjects that Eric had strong opinions about.
WELL WE GOT NO CHOICE, ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYZ!!! MAKING ALL THAT NOIZE!!!!
Another completely random thing I wanted to bring up, does anyone remember when Bob Orton came back to manage Randy, and during a match with Taker, Bob got involved and bled all over the fucking place? And later it turned out he had hepatitis? Jesus Christ…
Dear God… I really don’t want to sit through Dustin Runnels/Marc Mero either.
https://web.archive.org/web/20040401193520/http://home.snafu.de/tilman/tmp/alley.html Holy fuck.
And just because this columns going to hell in a fuckbasket, here’s Kevin Nash beating the shit out of Frank Castle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Crcn76XF6dM This is the single best scene in the movie, and they STILL didn’t get the Punisher Welcome Back Frank story correct. The Russian isn’t supposed to be a quiet badass, he’s supposed to be a dumb motherfucker who happens to be ridiculously strong, and Frank’s supposed to kill him by suffocating him with a fat guy! Fucking movies… can’t get anything right. Punisher WarZone was pretty sweet though.
Dear God, Hyatte’s quoting “Kids.” That movie just gives me a generally icky feeling, considering that everyone ends up with AIDS. Eck.
4th Match: Trips vs X-Pac
Rock comes out in the stands, and distracts Trips, while Owen Hart attacks Pac, costing him the match by countout. DX is super duper concerned about their best friend. I’m sure that Syxx will be doing coke, and fucking Chyna later, and be just fine.
Jerry Lawler is wearing the lamest purple robe. Also, I’ve always wondered how Jim Ross got a completely normal dress shirt, with the WWF logo on it. It’s such a weird, boring shirt.
Al Snow comes out in a mask, with head in a mask. Al Snow gets interviewed by Jerry Lawler, and makes a shooty comment in there talking about how Vince’s great marketing strategy was to put a mask on Al Snow… because people would know its Al Snow. BWAHAHAHA, that’s very Vince in 96. Lawler pisses Snow off, and Snow takes out Lawler with Head. Security comes out and Snow takes them out with Head and then runs out through the crowd. Really like this Al Snow angle, he’s like a midcard Steve Austin and it adds the anything can happen atmosphere. DX pimp the Super Soaker by spraying the production team. Austin says Taker can’t trust him because Taker wants the belt. Oh c’mon, EVERYONE wants that belt! Even Droz! Owen Hart comes down to the ring in some sweet looking glasses. We see some clips of Dan Severn and Shamrock beating the shit out of each other in UFC.
5th Match: Owen Hart and Mark Henry vs Dan Severn and Ken Shamrock (BUT WHERE’S STEVE BLACKMAN?!!??)
Shamrock with some punches, and a spin kick to Hart. Shamrock rag dolls Owen around the ring with some clotheslines. Shamrock tries going for the Ankle Lock a bit too early, and Owen hits him with an enzuguri. Mark in, and now HE ragdolls Shamrock around with some powerslams. Mark throws Shamrock into Sevren’s corner, which was pretty dumb. Severen gets tagged in, and holy shit, he just throws Henry around! Owen in, and Severen almost seems too UFC for WWF, as it looks like he’s actually trying to beat Owen, as he plants him with a sick German.
Henry chokes out Dan in the corner. Owen with a lowblow, and Henry’s in. Hart goes for a dropkick off the top but hits Henry, and Shamrocks in. Shamrock with the hot tag, but gets caught in a sharpshooter…. BUT HERE’S DX!!!
Pretty decent match here actually, Dan’s style doesn’t work too well in singles matches, but in tag matches he’s kept in short enough to cover up his weaknesses, and his style is so realistic that it feels like a legit fight, or at least a little more realistic. Kind of a 1998 Brock Lesnar in 2015 style.
A giant ass brawl happens…
Sunny is SOOOOOOOO HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So the LOD come out for some shitty match, but BY GWAD THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE ITS KANEEEEE… and Mick Foley.
6th Match: Tag Team Royal Rumble???? Match
LOD vs Kane/Foley are starting it off. This is a WEIRD concept. LOD take Kane down with shoulderblocks… and now The New Midnight Express come out. Kane almost gets eliminated by the LOD, but holds onto the ropes. Kane works over Bart in the corner… and here’s the HeadBangers. This is a fucking mess…
The teams are coming out wayyy too fast for any story to be told, and the HITC tag match is still coming up. The Human Oddities come out… and Bart Gunn gets eliminated meaning that Bob Holly has to leave too. That’s pretty lame… God, this really highlights how awful the tag division was in 98. Too Much come in, and Brian Cristopher almost gets eliminated by Kane. And HERE’S Steve Blackman! With Farooq! Anyone see that Teddy Long video where Long said that Foley held on to Farooq’s hand while fucking a rat? Weird. DOA’s eliminated by somebody… and Funk and Scorpio come out. Also Taka and Bradshaw.
Kane eliminates Mosh in a cool spot, where he press slams him to the outside of the ring. Blackman gets dumped by Kane… and now it’s just down to Funk and Scorpio vs Kane and Foley. Oh, I wonder who’s going to win this… Funk comes in with a chair and beats the shit out of Kane, and almost eliminates him but Foley stops that. Foley hits Funk right in the head with the chair, and Kane eliminates Funk with a big boot, while Foley holds the chair over his head. Pretty sweet ending, but the rest of the match was terrible.
Main Event: Mankind and Kane vs Austin and Taker HITC
BUT OH SNAPS TAKER’S NOT COMING OUT!!!! Austin decides to go into the Cell anyway, and shit, Austin is going to get his ass kicked. Kane comes out on the ramp, and Austin and Kane brawl. Bearer locks himself in the Cell… oh are you fucking serious? They tease the Cell the entire night, and they’re not even going to use it? But oh wait, Taker comes out from under the ring, and beats the living shit out of Bearer! Kane climbs up to the top of the Cell, and tries getting in, but it’s not happening. Taker throws Bearer into the Cell, and Bearer is blading pretty hardcore. On the outside of the Cell, Austin takes out Foley with the belt, and Taker is just STOMPING OUT Bearer. Shit. Austin pulls out a chair and WHACKS Foley with it. Kane is still on top of the Cell not accomplishing anything. AND AUSTIN HITS FOLEY RIGHT IN THE HEAD WITH THAT CHAIR!!! God damn, that must not be healthy! AND UNDERTAKER TAKES OUT THE FUCKING STEEL STEPS AND HITS BEARER WITH IT!!! Holy shit! Austin goes to the top of the Cell, and stomps Kane out! Kane starts to come back and cut to black!
Final Thoughts: Now THIS is why WWF was starting to beat Nitro in the ratings, their overly violent, unpredictable, exciting, and emotional main event angles were so well done. They weren’t booked by the numbers, boring bullshit today. If you were alive in 98 you were legitimately excited and in suspense over what the WWF was going to do next, and it was great! However, the downside to 98 is how bad the midcard was. You still get some good stuff, I’m sure that the Trips/Pac match was decent, and the Shamrock/Dan vs Hart/Henry was surprisingly good, but it didn’t even come close to WCW’s bigger upper-midcard, and cruiserweight division. I honestly think people don’t care too much about the midcard and uppermidcard as long as the atmosphere is exciting, unpredictable, and the show leaves you with a sense of, “Holy shit, I can’t wait till next week.” Nitro on the other hand, while having a great midcard, and upper midcard, had a main event card that was repetitive, boring, and seemed rather desperate for ratings (at least in this time period, and really the rest of Nitro up until its death). Decent show, that was brought up a notch by a great ending.
Monday Night Hogan (And Friends) 6.15.1998
The first match involves Public Enemy and Hugh Morrus so I’m definitely not watching this one..
Mike Tenay interviews a bunch of drunk retards and some kids about who Sting’s going to pick as his partner. The answer is Jesus.
Last week the Wolfpac tried to recruit DDP, but the Black and White attacked him before he could make his answer. Fuck all this shit, we need DDP to turn heel already and start talking shit to Goldberg. The Nitro Girls dance. They fail at making me horny enough to stop this review and go masturbate. NITRO PARTY BABY!!! WATCH ALL THE GOOD TALENT BE HELD DOWN BY HULK HOGAN WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!! AND DON’T SWITCH TO RAW, PLEASE DON’T SWITCH TO RAW!!!! PLEASE!!!
Macho Man comes out to the Wolfpac theme, and the theme does not fit Savage at all. He does look pretty cool in the red and black though. You can tell this is when wrestling was at its peak because the crowd has all those dumb assed South Park signs. Randy Savage pretends to miss the dump Hell Hole that is New York. During this promo it’s obvious that Savage is on something. Coke, probably. Drunk, maybe. Stoned… definitely probable. Acid… oof, that’s a hard one. The Great American Bash happened the night before, which I am so not sitting through. Bret and Hogan beat Savage and Piper, and then Piper beat Savage. So it’s literally everyone you don’t want to go over, went over. Also, Booker won the best of 7 against Benoit, and beat Finlay right after to win the TV Title. Kind of going to miss the best of 7 series as the matches between Benoit and Booker were pretty sweet.
2nd Match: Chris Benoit vs Finlay
Benoit and Finlay had a GREAT, five star match in 2006, one of those unimportant Smackdown PPVs so no one really knows about it, but it was pretty great. I think it was at No Mercy or something like that, so this should be pretty good.
Lock up and Benoit takes Finlay into the corner. Finlay’s getting some major heel heat here, and he’s letting it get to his head. Finlay goes into a stiff looking armbar, and Benoit comes out with an elbow but Finlay cuts him off with an eyerake, and a STIFF boot to the head. These guys are just beating the living shit out of each other. Finlay goes into a chinlock… oh, and guess who the Ref is? Charles Robinson, who I’m pretty sure was their Ref for their 2006 match as well. Benoit fights out but eats an elbow. Benoit with a sick twilt the world backbreaker, and just throws Finlay up in the air, onto the mat.
Finlay goes to the outside, but eats some more chops from Benoit, who refuses to give Finlay a break. Back inside, and Benoit CHOPS Finlay. Finlay comes back with a stiff ass clothesline and goes for the cover, but Benoit gets his foot on the rope. Finlay goes into the rear chinlock BUT BENOIT POWERS OUT AND HITS AN ELECTRIC CHAIR!!! Fucking awesome match! And we have to go to commercial… bullshit.
Back from commercial, and Finlay with a sick knee drop to the face. Finlay RAMS Benoit into the apron. Back in the ring, and Benoit comes back with kicks, and chops. Finlay comes back with another eyerake… Finlay picks up Benoit and throws him neck first onto the ropes. Nice European uppercut by Finlay, for two. Finlay makes the mistake of running into the corner, and hitting the corner, and Benoit hits two Germans… see he can’t hit the third one because of all the damage he’s taken. Not only in this match, but in his series with Booker. Nice psychology there. Benoit with a snap suplex, and he’s going to the top for the headbutt… and misses it! Damn!
Finlay goes to the top, and hits a splash off the top… for two. Finlay goes up to the top again but gets dropkicked off the top. Benoit suplexes Finlay back in, but runs into a knee. Finlay picks Benoit up, and hits him with a rolling slam thing. Finlay goes for something, but Benoit reverses into the Crossface OUT OF NOWEAH and Finlay taps!
4.0/5.0 Great match, great use of psychology, and the story was great with Finlay being stiff as fuck and trying to keep Benoit down, and having enough general know how in the ring to dodge the Headbutt. The story was perfect, and could’ve been even better if they had longer time. BENOIT IS THE SHIT!!!
Mean Gene interviews Benoit after the match, and Benoit calls out Booker T to settle some BUISNESS! IS BENOIT TURNING HEEL!!?? Booker and Stevie come out… Bookahs face says SUCKAH! Benoit brings Booker to the ring… to shake his hand, and raise it! So Benoit! Booker tells Benoit that he’s the best wrestler he’s been in the ring with, and Benoit says he respects Booker. Benoit says if he ever needs anyone to back him up… but oh shit, Stevie gets jealous and is all I’M HIS PATNEAH!!! And then Stevie attacks Benoit. Fucking black people, you can never trust ‘em. And then Steve McMichael comes out to make the save. Booker looks CONFLICTED!
DDP comes out to answer whether or not he’s going to join the Red and Black. Also he’s going to answer Savage’s challenge for a cage match. Page accepts, and then says he’s going after Hogan AND Rodman. Super generic promo.
The Nitro girls come out to pretend that Nitro is a PG rated Strip Club. Page is like, “I’m hitting that.” Shawn Michaels is like, “I’m going to be hitting that.” Stacy Keibler is like, “Dear God, I’m going to be fucking David Flair!!??”
Jesus Christ, Roddy Piper is coming out. So not sitting through his promo.
Wolfpac come out. Crowds pretty hot for the Wolfpac, but goddamn, fuck Konnan. Such a lame ass. Nash introduces Sting, who won the tag championships…. By himself? Damn, that’s REALLY putting some over.. Sting goes over Luger, Nash’s, and Konnan’s credentials (Konnan doesn’t have any) and says he’s going to make his choice later tonight. WHY!??? YOU BASTARDS, IT BETTER BE NASH!!! PUSH NASH DAMMIT!!! HE’S HOT NEW TALENT!!!
3rd Match: Kanyon vs Sick Boy
Hmmmmm…….. to sit through this, or skip this….. yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyUeRXYBYIg WHY CAN’T TRIPS COME OUT TO THIS AGAIN!!!???
My piece of shit, 2009 computer that’s too goddamn old to even be alive is running in SLOWWWWWWWW MOTION and it sucks. Dean Malenko, the rat bastard, attacked Jericho. Bastard.
Fuck Chris Adams.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnY-Uq1BpQQ Here’s Benoit vs Michaels from 2004 Raw, when Benoit was champion. Great, great match, and most definitely better than anything that’s going to be on for the rest of Nitro.
6th Match: Sting and Nash © vs Harlem Heat for the WCW Tag Team Championships
If Sting HAD picked Luger, Nitro would’ve felt incredibly 1996. Didn’t sit through the match because I was watching that AMAZING Benoit/Shawn (and also had a BAD anxiety/OCD attack, OCD is not a fun condition..) but Nash distracted Ray long enough for Sting to sneak up on him with the Scorpion Deathdrop.
Last week they aired a video package of Scott Steiner hanging out with Hulk Hogan in Hollywood, with Carl Weathers and shit. Steiner gets interviewed by Eric Bischoff…. And it looks like Eric has a cigarette in his ear! Badass! Basically, they’re trying to push Steiner as a future Hollywood star WHICH HE SO DIDN’T BECOME!! Steiner SAYS ROBERT DE NIRO TOLD HIM HE WAS A GOOD ACTOR!!! What the hell!!??/
Main Event: DDP vs Randy Savage Roddy Piper as Special Guest Ref Steel Cage Match
This is actually a Hell in A Cell, but WCW can’t call it that. Pretty funny that WCW was having a cell match on the same night as Raw… It’s pretty cool that Turner was working with Warner Bros at the time as Roddy Piper has a pretty sweet Tazz-maniac shirt.
Page and Savage’s series in 97 were pretty good, so this should be decent. Page tries doing some WRASSLIN but Savage goes to Page’s overly, obviously injured ribs (he still has the stupid tape on his ribs). Page comes back with a scoop slam and tries to go to the top… which is pretty awkard here as the Cage is right above the top rope, so if someone’s standing on the top turnbuckle their heads hitting the cage. Savage cuts him off, but Page comes back with boots, and whips Savage into the cage for two. This match… the cage is so close to Savage and Page that they can’t really do much but whip each other into it, and brawl. It’s a very closed up cell…
Page starts to make a comeback and goes for the Cutter but Savage reverses with a low blow, and Savage hits the elbow… for two. Savage gets pissed at Piper, and they have a shoving contest… Savage blindsides Piper, and hits him with a piledriver. Sweet. Savage picks Page up, BUT PAGE HITS THE RKO OUT OF NOWEAH!!! For some reason Page goes after Piper, so Piper gets to beat the shit out of Page… AND MACHO!!??? What the Hell??? They’re really putting Piper over Page, and fucking Savage? Are you kidding me?
The cell raises a bit, and the entire fucking black and white come out, and then the Cell closes. The Red and the Black try to come in, but can’t. This is WAYYY too similar to the Raw that’s on at the exact same time. Nash runs backstage because he’s literally the only intelligent one, and uses the remote control to open the cage… and the shows over.
Final Thoughts: This Nitro was just kind of there, it wasn’t overly bad but it definitely didn’t come across as great and was just logically dealing with the fallout of the Great American Bash. The Benoit/Finlay match was great, and worth hunting down, but the rest of it was pretty mediocre. What gets me is how obviously Nitro imitated Raw, and since Raw was taped in 98 it makes it even more blatant that they were completely ripping off the end of Raw. Also, are they fucking serious, having Piper beat up Page AND Savage? Its 1998, there is no reason to put Piper over that hard…
Tags: Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy