Secret Wars Declassified Week 27: The Laughing Stock of the Year!!

One is the loneliest number!! Humour is the order du jour. No better way to critique one’s work that to directly poke fun at it from within. This is the only entry for this week as this event is approaching its finality.


“Sraw Terces” (6 pages) Jonathan Hickman, Brian Churilla, Tamra Bonvillain

 At the yearly Marvel creative summit, Jonathan Hickman pitches his idea for SECRET WARS. It doesn’t matter if his co-workers, colleagues, and chums are opposed to this. The mandate comes directly from editorial!! Plot twist: Hickman has major writer’s block when it comes to a satisfying conclusion! Who better to inspire him and guide him than almighty Doom?? After a walkabout, Hickman comes clean with his superiors Axel Alonso and Tom Brevoort. Win or lose, they are the ones who come out on top. This is definitely Mr. Hickman’s final Marvel work for the foreseeable future. The editor’s note made a point of declaring that.

Mr. Hickman’s willingness to self-criticize and self-mock is commendable. MAJOR META-COMMENTARY!! Whether it’s meant to taunt the True Believers or a heartfelt mea culpa, only the inner circle at Marvel Comics is privy to the major reveal. Being perfectly blunt, I’m exasperated with it all. [3/10]


“Great Incomprehensibility” (5 pages) Al Ewing, Jacopo Camagni, Jesus Aburtov

 The parallel lives of Peter Parker. The multiverse has a field day with the Spidey of the 616 experiencing major comic book culture shock. His beloved Uncle Ben and Aunt May as well as his alter ego encounter several other versions of themselves. The exercise in silliness augments when six individuals whose names rhyme with ‘Spider-Man’ appear. Ten takes in total. UGH!!

I’m a real fun-loving guy. I enjoy making others laugh and spitting out a few good guffaws myself. I completely understand the nature of the parody but am not feeling it here. The French teacher in me appreciates the allusion to Albert Camus’ The Outsider. As Peter aptly utters at the end of the tale: “Aw, shaddup.” [4/10]


“Pizza Quest” (5 pages) Kate Leth, Brittney L. Williams, Megan M. Wilson

 Guard duty along The Shield is a real drag. The best way to break the monotony is star-jumping across dimensions to find the tastiest slice of the American favourite. Kate Bishop convinces her pal America Chavez to join her in this quest. They hop through a few domains. The end result is finding Pizza Dog!! Kate has glimpses of remembrance past when she spots the adorable pooch.

An all-female story by an all-female creative team. Clap clap!! That’s no sarcasm. I’m a feminist at heart. I will make note that the writer and artist have been contracted at Marvel for next month’s PATSY WALKER a.k.a. HELLCAT. This tale is about friends, food, and fun. It’s light-hearted fare that promises to develop on this pairing. One chuckle-worthy moment is America going ga-ga over the gynocracy of Domain 63. [8/10]


“Last Days of D-Man” (5 pages) Kyle Starks, Ramon Villalobos, Tamra Bonvillain

 Dennis Dunphy. Gone and certainly forgotten. Until recently. Due to an erroneous incantation resurrecting the loathsome loser. Time to re-start his career. He makes short work of the Serpent Society. He gets a major confidence boost from Jarvis. He and Rage become the tag team supreme of the UCWF. Mr. Dee gets to have the most perfect day in the life. The Incursion arrives. He stands up God Emperor Doom for some pies.

All joking aside, it seems that this story is indeed meant to re-introduce Cap’s former pal to the current generation. He was made a total bad-ass before his demise in CAPTAIN AMERICA {6th Series} #14. I root for the former current has-been. He should be next on the roster for his own ANADM title!! [7/10]


“#galHACKEDtus” (5 pages) Rob Guillory

 When you’re this hungry, they call you Mister!! The giant purple-panted G-man is cursed with satisfying his insatiable appetite. His heralds are the NY’s finest urban heroes: Daredevil, Jessica Jones, and Spider-Man! They are unwilling pawns in his quest to supercede the Watcher’s followers. One dimension in particular has the Ultimate Wi-Fier. Spidey decides to break the chains by rigging the device. Galactus and the Big Bald-Headed Guy exchange info. This leaves the other deeply disturbed. Galactus decides to relinquish him domain over Hell’s Kitchen. The heroes for hire are free. One snag: DD is welded to a chair.

Mr. Guillory of CHEW fame makes his mighty Marvel return! He has tapped into the zeitgeist of the instant celebrity era. It’s downright impossible to not remain connected. [5/10]


“The Bear without Fear” (5 pages) Ryan Browne

Cyclops versus Wolverine for the eternal love of Jean Grey quickly goes southpaw [natch!] when Beardevil cuts slashes in!! He manages to kill Logan and toss his head aside. He assures the multiple Scotts that he is a fuzzy wuzzy bear. Foggy Nelson arrives and takes him down in true Elmer Fudd/Punisher style. The scene is re-played when Foggy Bearson shoots his human counterpart. Jean materializes and scolds the three Cykes for lateness. She soon forgets all that and becomes smitten with the alluring ursine. Some bears have all the luck.

This story had me dropping my jaw just like the Endless Summers. I cringed and cried a bit when I saw the crotch shots. I equate this to a twisted version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Campy good fun! [7/10]

“Doom: Behind the Tyranny” (2 pages) Eric Powell

The creator of The GOON takes on another four-lettered individual. The Latverian libertine is now a reality TV star. He already had an ego the size of Earth. For him to preen in front of the small screen becomes him! The heroes cannot take him seriously especially not ‘dumb’ Hulk who believes Paste Pot Pete is a classic villain in the truest sense. OUCH!!

Major fashion tip: never wear all white. Period! You’re just a mess waiting to happen. Doom is already insufferable on a good day. Having him try to be a prima donna fits the bill. [5/10]


Not to knock the enormous talent that went into this one-shot but the intended effect was off-putting. I will not conceal my contempt at the lateness as the end of the year approaches. I’m glad that Marvel gets the last word(s) about the remaining dual issues for Mr. Hickman’s opus. When exactly will #9 launch??

Much appreciation to my local comic shop.

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