Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 7.3.17
TNA Slammiversary Review
By Sebastian Howard
Moving over to Cali in August to live with my Mom, need to get out of Grandma’s house and she says she has a couple job opportunities for me up there. Should be interesting to say the least, hoping I can get a decent job up there so I can make money and start going out to bars and picking up hoes. Last couple days have been interesting, did acid two days ago which was funny as I had just tripped like two days beforehand. Did two gel tabs and went out with my bud Torrance and saw Baby Driver. Damn good movie, the characters weren’t really three dimensional but the caliber of the actors (Jamie Foxx, Kevin Spacey and Jon Hamm were three of the side characters) gave the movie a sense of importance.
The movie was about Baby, driving people around on risky jobs as he’s great at driving and getting away from the cops. He has a condition where he has a constant buzzing in his head due to a car crash he suffered when he was a kid because his mom was being a typical woman and arguing while driving, which lead her to crash into the back of a semi. Dumb, dumb bitch…. anyway his parents died and now he drives people around for lots of money. The whole movie set up Jamie Foxx as the bad guy, as his character was generally an intelligent, crazy motherfucker who likes fucking with people mentally and kills anyone who gets in his way. The movie does a smart little reversal later on where it actually makes Jon Hamm the main antagonist in the third act and it drops subtle little hints about Hamm’s character while also making it seem like nothing could really happen to where Hamm and Baby clash heads. Hamm kind of acts like a father figure toward Baby and tells him he should just leave town later on if he’s not ready for a big job, though the real father figure in the whole movie is Kevin Spacey.
Its a great movie, I really loved the third act where Jon Hamm’s just completely unhinged and trying to kill Baby and his girlfriend. I feel like Hamm really steals the film but Spacey and Foxx also had you completely invested whenever they were on screen (though Foxx and Hamm get considerably more screen time than Spacey does). Ansel is just kind of along for the ride but he does a good job of it and comes across as a cool, quiet kind of kid who just keeps on getting pulled into the criminal world because it makes things easier. Lily James is hot too and does a good job of playing the cliche pretty girl who dreams of bigger and better things. The whole movie seems really American in a way (especially Baby’s flashback sequences) and its kind of a love letter to old school heist films. The thing that really makes the film work though is the use of music, it uses music PERFECTLY throughout the movie and is a very musical movie, its the first film I’ve seen that’s made music not just part of the action but almost seems to have an impact and control the action. When Hamm takes off Baby’s headphones in the diner it really seems like he’s taking away an aspect of the film, controlling it in a way and saying, aye you, pay attention to me. Brilliantly done and Hamm, who I love from Mad Men, adds another great film to his alrighty extremely impressive filmography. Oh, and Hamm puts the kid over.
Doctor Who had their season finale and I had taken my second tab right before watching it and goddamn it was a GREAT episode. It was probably the best finale in NuWho history, the two masters worked really well as John Simm was just such a bastard, he embodies all the worst aspects of the Master perfectly and refuses to change while Missy, the Master’s next regeneration IS willing to change and near the episode wants to stand with the Doctor. Simm isn’t having it though and the two Master’s end up taking each other out in one of the most brilliant, accurate moves Doctor Who has made. Its a much more fitting ending to the Doctor than the Master turning a new leaf and working with the Doctor even though it does make sense in regards to what’s happened with Missy and her character arc over the season. Bill, the Doctor’s companion, gets a good ending too that actually seems deserved compared to the usual dues ex machina shit Doctor Who usually pulls. Granted it doesn’t make much sense and seems like kind of lazy writing but if there’s one companion who really doesn’t deserve to be stuck as a fucked up emotional cyberman its Bill. And she really eans the good ending too as she refuses to give up and has the balls to position herself in front three timelords to protect them from a Cyberman. However, when she DID get saved with that chick from the first episode, and this might have just been because I was tripping and because the Doctor was “dead” I was legit horrified that they were going to try to turn Doctor Who into a show about two lesbians that weren’t time lords using the tardis to travel to places while the Doctor stayed “dead” for a season and that would have been like, the worst idea ever. The Doctor ends up saving everyone from the Cybermen but in the process “dies.” The only real problem I have with the big season finales where they kill of the Doctor is that you know its bullshit so any emotion that they try to ring out of you doesn’t work because the whole time you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It kind of sucks too as Peter Capaldi’s performance is PERFECT here, the thing where he’s about to die due to a big explosion that’s going to take him out and the cybermen, he stops himself from regenerating and says, “Not this time Doctor, let it go,” which is SUCH a perfect line and so sad but its kind of hard to buy into it because you’re trying to find out how he’s going to survive. I’m not going to say that Doctor Who cant be emotionally effecting but I think Doctor Who works best when the things happening are actually true. I cried when the 10th Doctor died because he’s GONE and now a new Doctor is taking his place but when you’re trying to position it as the Doctor is dead it just doesn’t resonate in any true way. So at the end of the episode the Doctor comes back (WOW REALLY WHO SAW THAT COMING!???) and REFUSES to regenerate. Its a ballsy move but one that makes total sense of the character, why, after you’ve gained so much experience and knowledge would you want to start over as an entirely new person? The TARDIS takes the Doctor to the 1st Doctor which will most likely result in a long chat in the Christmas special. The ending really keeps you on the hook as you really want to see the 12th and 1st Doctor interact with each other but you also want to know how the 1st Doctor is going to try an change the 12th Doctor’s mind about regenerating and just WHO the Doctor’s going to change into (could it be a chick? a black guy? An American?). I think this is the first time that an episode of Doctor Who that’s a Christmas Special has been this much watch that DOESN’T involve a new regeneration. I’m happy that we get to see Peter Capaldi for another episode and seeing him interact with the first Doctor will be amazing but at the same time I’m PISSED because I have to wait FIVE FUCKING MONTHS to find out whats going to happen and to see who’s going to be the next Doctor. That’s the right kind of pissed though as I know that its because of the quality of the show and not the kind of pissed one gets from WWE as its usually just because it sucks or is a shitty creative decision. Anyway that season finale was legit a five star episode and anyone that considers themselves a Doctor Who fan is a FOOL if they haven’t been watching the Capaldi arc.
One more thing before I get into TN…. errr, Impact’s…. err GFW’s Slammiversary. Check out Glow, the new series on Netflix. If you’re into wrestling, which you probably are because you’re reading this, you’ll probably dig it.
TNA Slammiversary 2017 Review
I’ve only kind of been following TNA as of late, after I watched that first episode I watched it for a few weeks, than I would forget that it was on and sometimes I would remember but be so late I’d only catch the main event. The quality of the shows has been decent but nothing compared to how good the shows were getting when I started watching. Still they have done some decent things, they had their tapings in India and had Sonjay Dutt take the title from Lo Ki in what everyone’s been saying is a great match (didn’t watch it) and the build up to Storm/EC3 and Bobby/Del Rio have been pretty good. This is also TNA’s biggest show of the year so I figured I’d review it.
I was completely distracted in that first match and wasn’t paying attention even a little bit so I’m just going to skip to the second match. One thing to bitch about though, this is supposedly TNA’s biggest show of the year, their Wrestelemania (I think so anyway) so if the shows such a big deal WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T THEY CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE ARENA!??? Its the exact SAME goddamn set they always use for Impact! Fuck, change the ropes up, put something on the stage, ANYTHING so it doesn’t feel like just another episode of Impact. They were charging 60 bucks for this thing so you think they would at least change the presentation of the show but nope, all we got to signify that the show was important was a generic video package about Slammiversary and a fucking Owl (!) standing on a post in the middle of the ring! What the actual fuck TNA!??? This is what makes you look low rent!
Moose/DeAngelo Williams vs. Eli Drake/Chris Adonis was, and I think everyone who’s seen this is going to say the same thing, was surpsignly good. DeAngelo Williams looked REALLY good out there, he leigt looked like he knew what he was doing and pulled some Apollo Crews like moves and finished the match with a frogsplash onto a table (it was a botch as the table was supposed to break but didn’t, but c’mon, that shit happened to Sabu on like an almost match by match basis). Chris was used well as he works best in tag teams where he can’t show his deficiencies as much while Eli Drake was serviceable and Moose got the crowd hyped. Surprisingly good match here, I’d give it 3.5/5.0 TNA/GFW should see if DeAngelo is interested in wrestling pro full time because damn he looked good out there. Best celebrity performance I’ve ever seen on an athletic scale.
3rd Match: Ec3 vs James Storm, kinda sorta a Strap Match but you win by pinfall or submission
Like the highlight package here as it really makes it look like these two guys hate each other. In the highlight package you see James Storm and Bobby Rhoode together which is kinda cute. I think EC3 should go over here as he definitely needs a big win to get back in the title picture and is probably the best opponent to go after Del Rio after he wins the title tonight (I’m assuming of course). Storm’s been around for a while and while having him go over at the company’s biggest show of the year would be a very old school babyface thing to do I don’t think the crowd really hates EC3 enough to warrant Storm going over.
Storm no sells some shots from the strap and hits EC with a enzugri. He goes to the top just to get Flaired off the top. Stupid quote from Don West “He doesn’t want to hurt James Storm, he wants to break Storm.” So he can’t do both? Why do I feel like West just watched that episode of Arrow where Olivers tortured the whole time? So EC tries to handcuff Storm but Storm reverses it somehow and handcuffs EC on the ropes. Well EC’s fucked for a while….. Storm whips EC….. 32 times! Damn yo! Wonder what that straps made of…. EC’s back looks pretty red. I was wondering how EC was going to get the handcuffs off but instead the ref just takes them off. That… actually kind of makes sense. EC gets hit by Storm’s DDT finish (bro its not the 80s) but Storm just gets two. EC rolls to the outside and slams Storm into the post. The strap came off EC but EC put it back on and it didn’t really play into the match so I’m assuming it was a botch. EC hits Storm with his finish (kind of a Russian legsweep) for two. This match has been going on for like five or six minutes and they’re already hitting finishers? Storm comes back with a superkick but pulls a Shawn Michaels and flops to the ground. I guess getting hit on the post injured Storm really badly or something…. (pussy) EC hits the Angel Wings for the win. Don West bitches that EC’s an asshole for hitting his finish instead of just pinning him but bro, its a brutal strap match with no dq’s and all EC did was hit him with his finisher. Like, that shits downright nice compared to the usual shit we see in a hardcore match. 3.0/5.0 Decent match though extremely short for some reason. This was probably the second best booked match leading to the show so it seems pretty lame that it was so short and they had the crowd rolling and it seems like EC/Storm could have had something really good if it went for another five or ten minutes.
4th Match: Jeremy Borash and Joseph Parks (Abyss as a lawyer) vs Josh Matthews and Scott Steiner No DQ
This is the match that Widro’s been looking forward to all week. I’m not crazy about this match but the whole Josh Matthews as a heel commentator is FAR less obnoxious than Michael Cole when he did the same thing so I’m a little more accepting of it than most. Match should be…. interesting to say the least. Da Pope comes out for commentary. Josh Matthews comes out looking like a less roided out mid 2000s Randy Orton with sweat pants. Oh goddammit Josh is from Chicago? Now I have to serisouly reconsider if I want to move there….Steiner’s tattoos must take forever because of how big his arms are. Steiner rips up a fan’s sign. JB and Joseph come out together…. I legit thought Joseph was going to come out as Abyss but no go. Maybe he’ll change into him halfway through the match?
So I went to take a piss and now we’re backstage. Scott Steiner and Josh Matthews are chasing JB and Joseph Park in a golf cart…. where they get hit with white foam in a fire extinguisher. This leads to Josh Matthews and JB fighting inside a pool and JB hits Josh with a swanton bomb!? Shark Boy comes out of the water and saves JB from Josh Matthews. Jospeh Parker sees his old manager and is going to turn back into Abyss!??? We’re back in the arena and JB is all by himself against Josh Matthews and Scott Steiner. Josh misses a Swanton off the top so JB hits him with a spear and some punches. Steiner saves Josh and Josh puts the Steiner Recliner on JB…. Shark Boy comes out… just to get buried by Scott Steiner. Now Steiner puts JB in the Recliner…. and Abyss’s music hits. James Mitchell comes out…. and Abyss shows up behind Steiner and Josh Matthews. Dig Abyss’s leather jacket.
Abyss sends Scott Steiner to the outside, Mitchells gives Abyss a bag of tacks, that’s oldschool. Abyss hitss Josh with the Black Hole Sun… err slam and JB hits a frogsplash and Abyss pins Josh Matthews for the win.
I’m not going to rate it but for what it was it was entertaining enough. The match did what it needed to do which was multiple things. First off, it made Steiner look like an imposing threat and set up a possible Abyss/Steiner feud for down the line but without having Steiner take a loss. It also brought back Abyss and James Mitchell, and lastly it allowed Matthews to lose clean and take a gnarly spot. I don’t think this was as funny as Orton/Wyatt or any of the Hardy Boys skits but it was fast paced and the crowd was into it and it wasn’t like offensively awful or anything.
5th Match: Eddie Edwards/Alisha Edwards vs. Davey Richards/Angelina Love TLC w/ pins SVR 2007 style
Love looks kind of beat up but is still bangable. Blows my mind that Velvet Sky is with Bubba “Its none of your business what I’m doing with ya daugtha” Ray. I like that TNA has a lot of gimmick matches, gives it a different style from WWE and makes it so the matches seem different from each other and also makes it feel more important than the Impact shows.
Alica Fox slams Elisha into a ladder, Davey Richards backdrops Eddie off the apron. Love and Davey slide a table in… Davey hits Eddie with a brainbuster onto a chair. Love has a cup of tacs and puts it in Eddie’s mouth…. I sure hope those were work tacks. I mean they’d have to be because if they weren’t Eddie woud be like dying of internal bleeding. They all go on the ladder for like no reason, Alsiha powerbombs Love through a table and then Eddie does the same to Richards for the win.
2.5/5.0 Cool spots but no real story ever came into play. I do like that I just saw a mixed tlc tag though.
6th Match: Lo Ki aka Hitman vs Sonjay Dutt (C) for the X Division Title 2/3 Falls
Sonjay won the title from Hitman in India, Lo Ki got a rematch and cheap shotted Sonjay. Pretty simple story, this should be a damn good match. Might be match of the show honestly. Since its 2/3 falls and TNA got a lot of exposure from Sonjay winning the title this will probably be given around 30-40 minutes.
Sonjay hits a tornado DDT off the ropes, he goes for a moonsault but misses but lands on his feet. Lo Ki hits a standing double stomp for two. Lo Ki goes to the top, Sonjay slaps him and sets p for a superplex…. Lo Ki sets up for fisherman suplex but Sonjay reverses into a rana….. Lo Ki lands on his feet and somehow hits a double stomp for a pinfall! It was so fast I don’t even know how Lo Ki got Sonjay on his ass! Lo Ki slams Sonjay into the post on the apron. Sonjay goes for a sunset flip but Lo Ki reverses into a double stomp but Sonjay rolls out of it. Sonjay with a low dropkick for two. Lo Ki injured his foot on that last double stomp. Or not really, as he fakes it so he can shove the Ref into Sonjay so he can hit a springboard kick for two.
Lo Ki tries for a double stomp on the steps, which is RETARDED if Lo Ki’s foot is hurt, Sonjay moves and hits a moonsault to the outside. Sonjay rolls into a Boston Crab (or Testicle Ecstasy if you’re Mark Madden). Lo Ki goes for a dragon sleeper but Dutt reverses it into a bridge for a pinfall. That was a pretty cool reversal. Lo Ki takes off his jacket because things are getting serial. Not serious enough for him to take off the tie I guess… Lo Ki and Dutt trade shots…. crowd’s weirdly quiet, not doing the boo/yay thing. Now things are getting even serisouer as Lo Ki takes off ONE of his gloves! Sonjay spits on Lo Ki, Ki punches Dutt in the stomach, Dutt comes back with strikes but misses a splash into the corner. Lo Ki with a spinning kick thing for two. Spinning Michokou Driver by Lo Ki for two. Sonjay sets up for, I think, a Sliced Bread 2 but Ki fights out of it. Two superkicks by Dutt, Dutt sets Ki up top forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………. nothing as Ki fights out of it. Ki sets Sonjay up for a tree of a doom and is going to do Del Rio’s double stomp but Sonjay pulls Ki off by his tie and hits Ki with a double stomp for the win!
4.0/5.0 Good match here though I thought they were going to give them like, another ten minutes. The match was wrestled perfectly and I liked the story of Ki pretty much wrestling Dutt perfectly but Dutt was able to time his reversals and get a roll up in the second fall and then using Ki’s tie to set up a double stomp for the win. The only thing I didn’t like was the crowd, they were oddly quiet throughout the match which didn’t make sense to me but whatever. I think the crowd reaction could’ve really bumped this up another level but it just wasn’t there. Great match though.
Impact Wrestling Knockouts Title/Global Force Wrestling Women’s Title: Rosemary vs. Sienna
Sienna comes out looking like a combination of a bird and Queen Padame. Rosemary has a bunch of drugged out zombie women with her. Rosemary’s attire is interesting as she’s got like stocking material where her tits are.Oh wait, nevermind she’s got some white diaper looking shit under the stockings. Basically you can totally see her tits but you can’t see her nipples. Gail Kim’s there for like no reason.
Laurel and KM come, Laurel looks like shit. So the characters we’ve got here are as follows, Rosemary’s a crazy zombie goth chick or whatever, Sienna’s a Charlotte Flair rip off (character wise anyway as she’s going for the whole queen thing) and Laurel’s a crazy slut who wears the same thing all the time and smears makeup all over herself? Progress yo!
Larel and KM leave because Sienna’s all I don’t need you. Sienna gets cocky and runs into an elbow from Rosemary. Rosemary does kinda the Tajiri thing where she chokes Sienna out with her legs through the ropes backwards. It sounds kinkier than it looks. They then do the EXACT same spot where Sienna has Rose in the corner and takes too much time taunting and misses a splash in the corner. Jeez-us. Rose germans Sienna off the top but Rose holds on to the ropes with her legs. Missile dropkick off the top…. Now Sienna’s in the corner and Rose is taking too much time taunting… She hits a dropkick, they reverse each other a bunch of times and Rose completely misses a kick to the head in the corner for a two count.
Sienna hits a shoulderblock which is called the Silencer which I guess is supposed to be her finisher. Bro, your finisher is a shoulderblock? Rose hits an F5 for two as Laurel comes out and pulls Earl out of the ring. Allie (hottest chick in TNA) chases Laurel out with a kendo stick. Sienna hits Rose with a title for a two. Sienna can’t beleive it….. Rose goes for an F5 but Sienna eyepokes out and rolls into a gullitone for the clean tap out.
2.0/5.0 Shitty match, Sienna and Rosemary never really seemed to click but I liked the finish, was pretty suspenseful and I was thinking that Rosemary was going to win after she kicked out of the title shot but nope. Sienna’s kind of cool and I think she could be champ for a while using heel tactics to win and having KM and Laurel watching her back.
Jeff Jarrett gets announced by JB to mostly boos. Hilarious, I’m assuming this him offically announcing the name change to GFW. Couldn’t be a better time for a smoke. Jeff doesn’t say shit about the name change, just takes up camera time and says thanks for people who have bought ppvs or shirts or tickets. Look you bastard, I haven’t done ANY of those things BUT I used to watch Impact all the time on Spike so how about some appreciation for watching your product and putting money in your pocket through a tv deal?
Main Event: Bobby Lashley vs El Patron to unify the GFW and TNA WHC
Wow the story line for this is retarded. Alberto won the title through using the title as a weapon and James Sinclair made Alberto relinquish the title. WHY!?? LIKE ALL OF JEFF JARRETT’S TITLE WINS WERE THROUGH GUITAR SHOTS!!! AND WHY DIDN’T ALBERTO GET A REMATCH LIKE IMMEDIATELY!?? NOT TO MENTION THAT WE LITERALLY JUST SAW A MATCH WHERE SIENNA USED THE TITLE AS A WEAPON!! OH MY GOD WHY IS JEFF JARRETT STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!??? DUDE, GET OVER YOURSELF YOU’RE NOT TRIPLE H AND YOU’RE NOT RIC FLAIR!!!
Ugh. So Trump didn’t show up, what a shocker. If Trump’s showing up anywhere its WWE he had a picture of Trips, Vince and the rest of the gang IN THE WHITE HOUSE! Why do you think he’d go to an even more low rent wrestling show when he’ll get enough shit for showing up in the big time? By the way, that tweet Trump showed of him beating up CNN (Vince) at Wrestlemania isn’t helping wrestling in the main stream at all as CNN just posted an article talking about how wrestling’s stupid and sucks and is a perfect metaphor for Trump’s presidency. AYE CNN, YOU KNOW THAT WCW WAS RUN ON TNT BY TED TURNER RIGHT!??? THE GUY WHO STARTED YOUR ENTIRE ORGANIZATION!??? Cocksuckers…
Alberto starts off with rolling Germans, Bobby fights out. Punches and kicks… Bobby’s headband looks stupid. Bobby with a neckbreaker for two. Nice to see a big black man wrestle a big mexican man for the title. A little more progressive than WWE, that’s for sure. Big superplex off the top by Del Rio. Del Rio puts Lashley in the corner, goes up for diez punches but Bobby picks him up…. Del Rio rolls through with a backbreaker for two. Rio goes for a suicida on the outside but misses Lashley and eats shit. Back in the ring and Lashley does some taunts. Lashley runs into an elbow, Del Rio rolls through a tornado DDT into the cross armbreaker… sorry Del Rio there’s still ten minutes left in the show.
Lashley rolls out into a powerbomb. Lashley hits an FU off the top for a two count. King Mo Fo has a chair (one of the dudes Lashley came out with). Del Rio and Mo Fo get into a pushing fest. Del Rio goes back into the ring and Lashley rolls into a cross armbreaker! Del Rio fights out pretty fast but is selling the arm, Lashley hits a spear for two. Lashley goes for another one but Del Rio puts his knees up and Del Rio spears Lashley to the outside of the ring. Liked that, cute using each others finishers. Del Rio’s Dad lowblows Mo Fo for touching Del Rio. Lashley pushes Del Rio’s Dad around for a bit but eats an eznguiri from Del Rio inside the ring and Del Rio hits a double stomp for the win.
3.5/5.0 Good match here, I liked them using each others finishers. I would’ve kind of liked the arm work playing into the match but it didn’t. I wasn’t crazy about the outside interference as this one of TNA’s biggest shows of the year and you really should had a completely clean finish, especially since the story here was that Del Rio couldn’t get the title earlier because he cheated to win. Decent match here though but I don’t think it was as good as Lo Ki/Dutt here.
Final Thoughts: Decent show here but not even close enough to be worth throwing 60 dollars at. TNA really needs to copy WWE’s business model or lower the price of their shows because no one’s buying these things. The matches were all good but nothing was really amazing except for Lo Ki/Dutt. Also everything here was fairly predictable , with the only big surprise being that Lo Ki didn’t get the title back and MAYBE Sienna retaining her title. If you can get a torrent of the show (its up at Piratebay right now) I’d check it out but nothing worth going out of your way for. I’m assuming that Del Rio/EC3 is the next big feud leading into BFG, which even though we’ve already seen it, should be a good feud and a good match wth more clearly defined heel/face dynamic than what we got here. The main event was kind of off because instead of just doing straight up face vs face Lashley was kind of acting like a heel harassing Del Rio’s Dad. Hopefully they don’t decide to do Lashley/Del Rio 3 as its a forgone conclusion who’s going to win so doing it at BFG wouldn’t help sales at all and if they do it on Impact, while cool would also be kind of a fuck you to whoever bought this.
