The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 35 – 04.07.19

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 35 – 04.07.19

Live from Metlife Stadium in New Jersey

Your hosts are pretty much everyone.

Cruiserweight title:  Buddy Murphy v. Tony Nese

Sadly, this year’s set has no Statue of Liberty to remind us that we’re totally in New York.  Unless Velveteen Dream stole it for his entrance on Friday.  I like the minimalist set, actually.  Less is more.  Nese charges in and dumps Murphy, then follows him out for a forearm on the floor. Back in, Buddy ties him up on the top rope and drops him with a gutbuster of sorts from the top, and I gotta admit I’m not really sure what the point of that move was, and follows with a chinlock.  Nese fights out with a suplex into the turnbuckles and makes a comeback with a moonsault in the ropes, for two.  Murphy tries to go up and gets cut off by Nese, but Murphy recovers with a powerbombish thing for two.  Murphy with a knee strike, but Nese gets an inverted rana and fights back with kicks.  Nese with something like an Air Raid Crash for two and he dumps Murphy and follows with a Fosbury Flop and back in for a 450 that gets two.   Murphy comes back with a jumping knee and hits Murphy’s Law out of nowhere for two, but Nese is in the ropes.  Murphy loads up the bare knee, but Nese suplexes him in the turnbuckle and hits the Running Nese for the pin and the title at 10:50.  This was good wrestling, I approve.  ***1/4

Hey!  The Impractical Jokers show up for an interview with Charly.  I love those guys, they’re hilarious.

Women’s Battle Royal

Asuka and Naomi are the only ones to get entrances and Maria gets tossed out immediately.  Asuka takes out LaRae and Nikki Cross at 0:42 and Naomi trades acrobatics with Ember Moon while everyone else stands around punching each other, and Naomi gets tossed at 2:00.  And then Lana puts Ember out at 2:30 and slugs it out with Kairi Sane.  Sane tries the elbow and gets shoved down by Sarah Logan, and the Riott Squad teams up to throw Lana out at 3:56.  Moments later Sane drops the elbow on Logan, but the Squad tosses her at 4:33.  More triple teaming from the Riott Squad but Dana Brooke eliminates Ruby and Morgan at 6:30 before getting cut off by Zelina Vega.  Sonya & Mandy toss Vega at 7:04 and then put Brooke out with a contrived charge by Brooke that misses at 7:30.  Mickie superkicks Mandy Rose out at 8:00, but then gets shoved out by Sonya right after.  Asuka is left alone with Sonya and Logan and manages to dump her at 8:57, but Logan tosses Asuka out and seemingly wins.  But then Carmella reveals that she was never eliminated and superkicks her out to win at 9:56.  Really, you’ve got all that talent in the ring and THAT’S who wins?  So much for reheating Asuka right away.

So at this point, an hour into this, we learn that what we have just watched wasn’t even the pre-show, it was the PRE-pre-show.  Stay tuned for the special “Talking Pre-Show” recap of the pre-show that will air on Twitch between the end of the pre-show and the start of Wrestlemania!

Kudos to Shawn Michaels for dressing up tonight, adding a tie to his t-shirt and leather vest look.

RAW tag team titles:  The Revival v. Zack Ryder & Curt Hawkins

Dawson works a headlock on Hawkins while Cole FINALLY mentions that Ryder & Hawkins are former tag team champions!  Dawson with a rollup for two and makes fun of Ryder for choosing Hawkins as a partner.  Which is pretty valid.  Also, Corey and Michael finally admit that, yes, we are not actually in New York, but rather New Jersey.  Well that only took 90 minutes into the show.  Zack comes in and runs wild for a bit, but misses a charge and lands on the floor like a doofus.  Back in, Revival with a Demolition elbow for two.  Dash with an armbar on Ryder and lays the quality badmouth on Hawkins:  “Stay in the corner and lose like you do, loser!”  He really nailed him with that one.  Dawson stomps the fingers and goes with a wristlock, which is not quite small joint manipulation but close enough for me.  Dash continues working the arm, but Zack escapes a double suplex and hits a neckbreaker on both guys.  Sadly, Dawson knocks Hawkins off the apron to prevent the tag, and Dash gets two on Ryder.  Dawson chokes away on the ropes and Dash goes back to the arm.  Finally it’s hot tag Hawkins, which is somewhere between “Hot tag Tito Santana” and “Hot tag Virgil”, and he runs wild with dropkicks.  Backslide on Dawson gets two.  Rollup gets two, and they collide for the double down.  Back to Ryder for a sloppy Rough Ryder on Dawson and then a suplex on Dash that puts them both out of the ring in an ugly bump, but Hawkins tags himself in and gets two on Dawson.  Sadly, Dawson runs Hawkins into the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and hits a brainbuster on the floor.  Back in, Hawkins is apparently unconscious, but gets the surprise rollup for the pin and the titles at 13:25 to end the losing streak.  Just a basic tag match with a million wristlocks.  **  I give the Edgeheads about a 0.0001 chance of making it off RAW tomorrow night without getting Ryder’d.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

So like the women’s one, a million geeks suddenly appear in the ring, and we get entrances for the Hardy Boyz and the SNL guys, and Braun Strowman.  And it’s the Titanic booking, as it’s everyone overboard as soon as possible with a million guys going flying over the top within 3:00.  Braun misses his usual charge and hits the post, but lands on the floor via the middle rope.  Heavy Machinery does their Worm and dumps the Ascension, but Braun comes back in and gets rid of another batch of geeks, including a terrifying spot where Harper tries to suplex Ali and Braun boots them both off the apron.  Andrade stupidly takes Apollo off the apron with a rana to eliminate himself, leaving Braun against the Hardyz, and then the SNL guys come out from under the ring.  We already had that booking in the other battle royal!  Do they seriously not have any other ideas?  Braun casually dumps the Hardyz and goes after the comedians, but we stop for some talking, because that’s exactly what this match needs.  So Jost brings out his “therapist” and Braun beats him up.  Che wisely eliminates himself, leaving Jost, and we actually get a spot where Braun misses a kick and Jost tries to push him out, only to have Braun gently throw Jost onto a conveniently arranged pile of guys for the anticlimactic win of the plastic cheese-colored monstrosity.  Braun really showed those guys!  They won’t mess with him again!

So yeah, the usual pre-game show.

And we get the traditional singing of America the Beautiful and the 5:00 artsy video opening as I mentally yell START THE DAMN SHOW ALREADY with everyone else watching.  And then Alexa Bliss opens the show so we’ll probably get another 10 minutes of bullshit.  And indeed, speaking of bullshit, Hulk Hogan returns so we get some MORE talking before the show starts.  WHY IS THE SHOW NOT STARTING YET?  At least Hogan’s opening rant is short and doesn’t mention anything racial.  You can’t hope for more than that with Hulk.

Universal title:  Brock Lesnar v. Seth Rollins

Paul Heyman comes out immediately and declares that if they’re not closing the show, then they’re coming out RIGHT NOW so they can get on a plane and go back to Vegas as soon as possible.  Sounds like Hogan’s deal in the 80s.  Except there would be coke and steroids loaded on the plane for him when he got there.  Brock cuts him off before he even gets in the ring and beats on him outside, adding an F5 on the floor.  It takes 5 to beat people these days, he’ll be fine.  Seth eats the apron and goes into the railing, and Brock hurls him into the announce desk a couple of times, and we finally head into the ring to start the match.  Heyman sarcastically trashing Seth from the outside is pretty great.  The ref still won’t call for the bell until he can check on Rollins.  Hey, the guy called himself the Beastslayer and made t-shirts and everything.  He deserves what he gets.  So Brock tosses him and beats on him some more, putting him through whatever topper is on the table, and we FINALLY ring the damn bell.  Time for suplex city as Seth ragdolls all over the ring.  Seth escapes the F5 and the ref is bumped, so Seth goes low as Brock does the Bully Ray sell of his balls, and Rollins gets the curbstomp.  Another one and Brock is still clutching his junk, so Seth hits a third one to win the title at 2:29.  Well, at least the title is off Brock now.  I’ll take it.  *1/2  I’m assuming they shortened the match to get the running time of the show down a bit, but with all the gaga we still ended up with only one match after the first 30 minutes of the show.

AJ Styles v. Randy Orton

Not to disparage the hard work of the WWE virtual graphics people, but Orton’s holographic snakes look disturbingly like giant holographic turds.  It’s like Black Mirror for WWE.  Technology gone horribly wrong!  AJ works the arm to start, but Orton gets a dropkick, and AJ returns fire with his own.  Orton sends him into the railing, and that gets two in the ring as we go to a Wrestlemania Chinlock.  AJ fights back with a corner clothesline and Ushigoroshi for two.  Orton comes back with a powerslam for two and counters the calf crusher with a stomp, but AJ reverses back into it again.  Orton makes the ropes and dumps AJ to the apron, but AJ headfakes him to evade the RKO attempt and hits a 450 for two.  Orton comes back with the superplex for two and the crowd pops huge as they finally turn out the lights, and Orton gets the vintage DDT, then trade reversals into the RKO for two.  Perhaps because it wasn’t out of nowhere.  They head slowly to the top, like everything else in this match, and Orton wants a top rope RKO, but AJ counters with a Pele kick to bring him down to the floor.  AJ follows with a forearm to the floor and they head back in for another forearm from AJ, which gets the pin at 16:12.  Very deliberate.  **1/2

Lacey Evans is here.  And then she’s gone again.  You’d think Wrestlemania would be the place to finally have a payoff to this, but you’d be WRONG.

Smackdown tag team titles:  The Usos v. Ricochet & Aleister Black v. The Bar v. Nakamura & Rusev

Black starts with Jey but quickly gets double-teamed by Rusev and Nakamura.  Nak gets double-teamed by the Usos, but Ricochet comes in and gets a crazy spinning headscissors on Cesaro, but Cesaro comes back with a Giant Swing on Ricochet while Sheamus does the forearms on everyone in sequence.  That’s a LONG swing.  Sharpshooter on Ricochet, but the Usos save and clear the ring.  Black moonsaults Rusev for two, but Nak saves and gets a knee for two, with Ricochet saving with a shooting star press.  Ricochet comes in and lands in a spinning slam from Rusev that gets two.  The Bar clears the ring again and then everyone piles up on the top rope for a ludicrous Tower of Doom, of which Ricochet is the only survivor.  So Black kicks everyone down and Ricochet hits the 630 on Sheamus, but everyone saves.  Everyone trades kicks and then hits their finishers in succession, ending with the Brogue Kick on Ricochet, but the Usos do a superkick party on Sheamus and go up with the stereo splashes to retain at 10:01.  And the NXT team blows it again.  Fun match, at least.  ***1/4

Hall of Fame recap means time for a bathroom break and ordering food!  I have no idea what happened to Torrie Wilson’s face.  Maybe she got into a parasailing accident like Brutus and had to have it redone?

Falls Count Anywhere:  Shane McMahon v. The Miz

Shane runs away to start and threatens Miz Sr., which goads Miz into a chase that goes badly for him.  Back in the ring, Shane throws his devastating strikes and I’m pretty sure he’s blown up already.  I mean, it’s been more than 90 seconds, he’s not a MACHINE.  They head to the floor and Shane clocks him with a TV monitor, which should literally kill any normal human being in real life, but luckily George Miz leaps over to protect his son from Shane’s flying elbow.  So we get a dramatic showdown between George and Shane in the ring, which results in Shane beating up Miz’s dad.  George sells better than his son.  Miz gets all angry and they fight into the crowd and we get the usual brawly brawling where they randomly walk around the area and Miz throws him into stuff for some two counts.  Shane takes a pretty sick bump off the top of a golf cart for two, and they fight into the tech area as the half-speed fight continues, and the Skull Crushing Finale onto a stage gets two.  So of course they’re on a conveniently constructed platform, and Shane climbs up to the top of it so they can stand there and have a pathos play before doing a suplex off the stage and into a crash pad.  And Shane lands on top, so he gets the pin at 15:28.  I don’t even know what to do with this.  *, maybe?  Mostly for the golf cart bump and Old Man Miz teaching his son a thing or two about selling.  Otherwise it was just two guys walking around the arena and dragged really bad.

Women’s tag team title:  Sasha Banks & Bayley v. Nia Jax & Tamina v. Beth Phoenix & Natalya v. The Iiconics

Sasha doesn’t have her boo-boo jobbing face on tonight, so they’re likely retaining the titles.  However, Bret is with the Natalya team, so the Hall of Fame status might trump that.  There’s a lot of variables at play here.  Beth and Nattie double-team Nia on the floor and run her into the stairs, and the champs double-team Peyton in the ring.  Royce comes back with a spinkick for two and the Iiconics stop to pose before hitting Sasha with a double slam for two.  Sasha with a backslide on Royce for two and it’s over to Bayley, but Billie Kay tags herself in and beats on Beth for two.  Say what you will about them, but they commit to the gimmick of being self-absorbed idiots.  Sasha and Bayley double-team Beth and Banks gets the Bank Statement out of a headscissors, but Beth powers into a Glam Slam attempt, which Banks escapes.  Nattie comes in and of course does the double Sharpshooter because it’s Wrestlemania, but Tamina saves after literally laying on the floor for the first 7:00 of the match.  Nia and Tamina lay out the champs and set up for double flying splashes, but Beth saves and everyone heads to the floor for that portion of the match.  Back in, Bayley drops a flying elbow on Beth and Sasha follows with the frog splash for two.  Bayley and Beth fight on top and Beth hits a Glam Slam from up there, but the Iiconics steal the pin at 10:46 and win the titles.  Well that should be fun at least, but this match was brutal.  Like, ROH on the New Japan show level of embarrassing.   *

WWE title:  Daniel Bryan v. Kofi Kingston

They work off a headlock to start and Daniel bails, so Kofi hits him with a dive and Bryan backs off for some advice from Rowan.  Back in, Bryan counters a leapfrog into a takedown for a bow-and-arrow hold, but Kofi escapes and stomps him down in the corner.  Kofi with a leaping stomp for two, but Bryan grapples him to the mat and works some ground and pound on him.  Kofi escapes for the Boom Drop and baseball slides Bryan onto the floor, but dives and bounces his head and sternum off the table as a result.  OUCH.  Back in, Bryan hits him with a series of knees and goes to a waistlock on the mat to squeeze the ribs.  Kofi fights out with elbows in the corner, but Bryan keeps coming with the corner dropkicks and then counters a desperation knee from Kofi by rolling into a Boston crab.  Sweet!  Kofi makes the ropes, so Bryan takes him to the top and Kofi fights him off and gets a flying splash for two.  They slug it out and Kofi tries Trouble in Paradise, but Bryan counters him into a Boston crab again, and Kofi turns it into the rollup for two.  Kofi with a crossbody for two and Bryan rolls through for two and tries the LeBell lock, but Kofi escapes that.  Kofi misses a charge and Bryan tries the running knee, but Kofi rolls him up for two.  SOS is reversed into the LeBell lock and Bryan elbows him in the ribs for good measure, but Kofi makes the ropes.  Bryan gives us some amazing sneering facials and then hits him with the Yes kicks, but Kofi is JAMAICAN THE COMEBACK and catches Bryan with an inverted suplex for two.  Bryan heads to the floor and Rowan beats up the New Day, but they regroup and hit the Midnight Hour on him.  Back in the ring, Kofi blocks the dive with a forearm and misses Trouble in Paradise, and Bryan hits the knee for two.  Bryan is really annoyed now and gives him the curbstomps into the LeBell lock, but Kofi fights free and throws down on Bryan, even though he can’t break wrist control.  So Kofi gives Daniel his own stomps right back, and hits Trouble in Paradise to win the title at 23:46.  They actually pulled the trigger for once!  And Kofi gets the classic belt as well as New Day already having shirts made up with the belt on them.  I don’t think the crowd knows how to deal with not getting screwed over by Vince for the HEAT.  Good for Kofi, and finally a great match on this show.  ****1/4

So I guess that was the end of part one of the show.

Meanwhile, the SNL guys sell their injuries in the back, and Alexa brings out the Outsiders as doctors.

US title:  Samoa Joe v. Rey Mysterio

Joe immediately hits Rey with a boot, but he goes for a slam and Rey turns it into a DDT and into the 619, then goes up and gets brought down with the choke from Joe at 1:00 and that’s it.  Good, hopefully the IC title match goes equally fast.  ½*  I’m guessing Rey’s knee was not as match ready as he claimed.

Roman Reigns v. Drew McIntyre

Apparently Roman Reigns is fighting for the WORLD tonight.  I think Kofi already has the inspirational underdog cards played.  Reigns gets his inspirational offense but walks into a spinebuster and Drew gets two.  They head to the apron and Roman legdrops him through the ropes, but Drew gets a headbutt in the ring for two.  Drew with an armbar as cancer survivin’ Roman has sure gone back to being a fella again in the eyes of the crowd.  They fight on the floor a bit and back in for a missed charge from Drew, but he recovers with a slam out of the corner and they head to the top, where Drew flings him down.  Drew lays the quality badmouth on Roman while you can literally see people getting up and leaving for the bathroom, but finally Roman has had enough of Drew defaming the name of Dean Ambrose and he makes the comeback and hits the Drive By kick.  Samoan drop on the floor and back in for a clothesline as he makes the comeback and pins Drew with a spear and that’s that at 10:48.  Absolutely nothing to this one and it did not need to be on the show.  *1/2  It’s like, people don’t want to BOO Roman necessarily, because he’s an inspiration to the whole world and all, but no one really wants to CHEER him as such, either.  That’s a bad combination.

Meanwhile, Rusev and Lana do a completely out of character Snickers commercial, which is weird.

Meanwhile, Elias somehow manages to play the drums and piano at the same time through the terrifying use of technology, and then appears in the ring for his song.  WHAT KIND OF BLACK MAGIC IS THIS?  He’s like Dave Grohl, but with better hair.  So the crowd does the “Seven Nation Army” chant and Elias actually plays along with it!  He readies the new anthem for Wrestlemania for years to come, but gets interrupted by a Babe Ruth video about the called shot…which brings out John Cena as the Doctor of Thuganomics.

Cena actually gets some sick burns here, most notably comparing Elias’s face to a ballsack, then delivers the FU.  Man, after I finally gave in and started calling it the AA after 10 years.  That was a good payoff.

No Holds Barred:  HHH v. Batista  

HHH of course has a full Mad Max entrance because this show hasn’t been QUITE long enough yet.  We don’t even get the flamethrower guitar guy!  What is even the point?  They slug it out and HHH elbows him to the floor and they brawl over the table.  Shawn:  “It’s already getting ugly!”  I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.  HHH hits him with a conveniently located toolbox at ringside, which of course contains a chain, and he goes to work on Batista with that.  And then HHH decides to do his own version of SMALL JOINT MANIPULATION, using pliers to bend Dave’s fingers.  You sir, are no Pete Dunne.  Into the ring as HHH finds a pair of needle nose pliers and pulls out the nose ring.  Man, This Old House has gotten way more violent than I remember it.  So did HHH watch Chinatown before the show?  Hopefully he didn’t accidentally put Chynatown in, because that’s a TOTALLY different type of movie.  So they head to the floor again and Batista manages to fight back and drop HHH on the table as the crowd is on Ambien, like deathly silent.  Maybe next HHH will pull out a laser level and measure for some nice storage shelves.  Back in the ring, Batista misses a charge and HHH tries the Pedigree, but Batista reverses to a slam for two.  OK, old guys, you’ve had 11 minutes and failed, call an audible and wrap it up.  Just don’t call it too loudly because it’ll carry to the upper decks judging by how quiet this crowd is.  Back to the floor, as Batista uses the stairs and sets up on top of the table for a Batista Bomb off the stairs.  It really IS This Old House!  HHH backdrops out of it, but par for the course for this disaster of a match, the table won’t break.  So HHH spears him through the table.  Well, good thing there’s a toolbox there in case they need to repair it again.  HHH manages to find his trusty sledgehammer under the ring, but Batista spears him for two.  Batista Bomb gets two.  “HHH has barely moved” notes Cole.  Yeah, that’s been the problem for the whole match.  Batista goes to finish him off the top rope, but Hunter powerbombs him onto the stairs and then hits KICK WHAM PEDIGREE for two.  They seriously couldn’t have made that the damn finish?  JUST END THE FUCKING MATCH ALREADY.  So then Flair comes out, moving faster in his seventies after a heart attack than either guy in the match, and HHH executes his master plan and…uh….hits Dave with the sledgehammer for the pin at 24:49.  YOU COULDN’T HAVE FUCKING DONE THAT TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES AGO?  ½*   A complete embarrassment for both guys.

Kurt Angle v. Baron Corbin

This show has gone so long that Corbin might have to give up his graveyard shift at the bar.  So yeah, they’re really going through with this as Angle’s last match.  With JBL on commentary.  Angle quickly suplexes him and then Corbin goes to work for the HEAT with his usual boring bullshit, and the Deep Six gets two.  Angle comes back with the Angle Slam for two and gets the anklelock, but Corbin dramatically powers out.  This match is already ten times longer than it should have been.  Angle gets the german suplexes after Corbin mocks the whole Cena thing, but he misses the Anglesault and End of Days ends Kurt at 5:56.  All about putting smiles on people’s faces!  And getting the HEAT!  Could have been worse as a match, I guess.  *1/2  I’ve got no problem with Angle putting someone over on the way out, but BARON CORBIN?

Intercontinental title:  Lashley v. The Demon Finn Balor

You what’s ironic?  In the WWE Champions game, it’s Balor Club Finn that’s the overpowered top tier guy, and Demon Balor is a disposable cannon fodder.  Finn comes in with a spinkick and shotgun dropkick, then tosses Bobby and follows with a dive.  Lashley suplexes him back into the ring, however, and then clotheslines him off the apron and spears him into the railing.  Demon Balor comes back with a sling blade out there and chases off Lio Rush, but Lashley spears him off the apron as the unbeatable Demon is doing a shitload of selling here.  Back in, another spear gets two.  Lashley tries a Dominator but Balor reverses to a powerbomb and goes up with the Coup de Grace to regain the title at 4:02.  Wait, so can Balor Club defend the title now, or does it have to be Demon?  This was fine.  **

Alexa Bliss is here to announce our fake attendance record of 82,000 people, which is somehow 4000 more people than the fake attendance last time they were at the stadium for Wrestlemania.  And then we get a dance break with Truth and Carmella to, I dunno, get everyone up from their seats in time for the main event?  Gonna take more than that to save this show.

Winner Take All:  Ronda Rousey v. Charlotte v. Becky Lynch

Joan Jett plays “Bad Reputation” for Ronda, which is fitting because she was still in the Runaways when this fucking show started.  Charlotte, meanwhile, gets the Ric Flair Bash ’85 chopper entrance, although sadly it lands outside of the stadium.  Also, wasn’t Charlotte wearing different gear when she got out of the helicopter?  I’d rewind and check, but that would require watching this show for another 2 minutes.  Becky and Ronda slug it out in the corner right away and Ronda punts her out of the ring and then runs her into the railing and slams Charlotte on the floor.  But then Charlotte suplexes Ronda into the railing and they head back into the ring.  Charlotte and Becky slug it out, but Ronda goes after Becky’s arm.  Charlotte tries for a powerbomb on Ronda and that turns into an armbar attempt on the ropes, but Becky dropkicks them and Ronda takes a pretty sick bump to the floor off that.  Charlotte goes to work on Becky with a neckbreaker in the corner and goes up for the moonsault, but Becky catches her in the disarmer and Ronda saves and gets her own armbar.  Charlottes saves with Natural Selection and gets two on both of them, then tosses Becky and goes to work on Ronda with chops.  Ronda tries grabbing another armbar but Charlotte counters into a Boston crab, and Becky saves and gives them a double DDT for two.  Man, the crowd would have been WAY more engaged with this if the show wasn’t 7 hours long.  Charlotte goes up and Becky cuts her off with a top rope Bexploder, for two.  Then Ronda tries to armbar both of them at the same time and gets powerbombed for her troubles, and Charlotte gets two off that.  That whole thing was dumb.  Becky comes back in with a spear on Charlotte for two.  They have completely killed this crowd and sabotaged their own historic women’s main event and it’s really sad.  Becky gets rid of Charlotte and gets the Disarmer on Ronda again, but she makes the ropes and powers her into the turnbuckles to break.  Becky goes back to it in the corner, but Charlotte breaks it up and gets a Spanish Fly off the top for two.  Becky goes for Charlotte’s arm, but gets tossed, and Charlotte goes for Ronda’s leg now with a ringpost figure-four.  I should point out that it is now MONDAY on the East Coast and this show is still going.  Charlotte gets the figure-four on Ronda, but Becky dives in to break it up and then pulls out a table, but Charlotte lays her out and goes up.  Becky dumps her, however, and then Ronda throws away the table because she doesn’t need one.  Charlotte comes back in with a spear on both of them and gets two from that.  The table gets put in the corner and Charlotte spears Lynch again for two.  She tries another one, but gets hiptossed through the table and exits the ring.  This leaves Becky v. Ronda, but Ronda gets the flying knee and Piper’s Pit, but Becky holds on with a crucifix for the pin at 21:20 to win both titles.  Match was good but holy shit what a dumb finish.  They couldn’t even have someone tap out?  ***1/2  Wasn’t the epic historic main event extravaganza they were shooting for, but then it really should have been an half and a half earlier in the show to get that kind of crowd reaction.

So after 5000 words, and 7.5 hours, I can’t recommend the show.  The Kofi match was great and there was some good moments here and there, but on the scale of BURN IT / AVOID IT/ SKIM IT / WATCH IT / BINGE IT, this is pretty clearly a SKIM IT, made for checking out the highlights on YouTube in minute long form but not for sitting through the entire spectacle.

And that’s Wrestlemania for another year!  Now my family can have me back again.