Before I get started…
I was minding my own business last nite, just flipping channels and waiting for Impact to start, when I noticed a strange light in my backyard. I found it queer (queer meaning odd), so I grabbed the boomerang my friend Stacie? (because she ends every sentence with interrogative inflection) brought back from Australia for me, and went to investigate.
What I saw was amazing! It was a giant cage, with a glowing blue light in it. I walked closer to it, drawn in by the dazzling energy. Closer I got, closer still, until I was just a few feet away. I reached out to touch the fantastic blue beam…
…
…and woke up 34 minutes after 9pm. Apparently I passed out after walking into the world’s biggest bug zapper. Needless to say, I missed the first quarter of Impact.
(this totally happened, I definitely didn’t forget to forget my DVR. that’d be ridiculous. crazy talk, even!)
But seriously, folks…
(written 7/6– Sorry for the incredibly late posting but my home computer is on life support and my weekend was crazy to the point where I was nowhere near a computer. I assure you the recap is worth the wait!)
***
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
Last week’s Impact was a good, solid show, as was the episode the week before. I was anxious to get started (bug zapper incident aside) and see how they’d follow up on the stuff that happened last week. Here’s what went down.
We are live from the Impact Zone! People are going bonkers! There’s music! There are lights! Taz & Mike Tenay are in the heezy for sheezy!
(at least that’s what I’m assuming. i tuned in late)
Here’s what I missed and caught on YouTube:
~ Abyss tossing chairs, threatening the announcers, and destroying everything backstage. Apparently Abyss is upset that everything is in summer reruns and he has to wait until September to find out what’s happening with those charming Glee kids.
~ Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan & Jeff Hardy are discussing what to do about Abyss. Bischoff says that Abyss is nuts. Hogan says that while he used to love Abyss, he doesn’t love him anymore. Hulk says Abyss has to go. Jeff Hardy says that he’s got Abyss tonight. Hogan tells Hardy that he has to end Abyss. Bischoff and Hogan let Hardy know that he’s got his back. Hardy says that Abyss is going down like BP Stock.
~ Ink Inc. vs Motor City Machine Guns. We join the action (A-C-T! I-O-N!) in progress, with all four men in the ring. Jesse Neal, fresh off his gig earlier with The Rippers, spears Alex Shelley. Neal goes for the cover but the count gets broken up by Chris Sabin. Shannon Moore gets tossed to the outside. It’s at this point that I notice Brother Devon is on commentary and says that while he doesn’t like Shannon Moore, he gets a pass because Moore is Jesse Neal’s boy. Meanwhile, the action in the ring continues but, vas? Brother “If You Spell The Author Of This Post’s Name The Same Way As Me You Will Be Mocked Accordingly” Ray is headed down to the ring. Â Brother Devon leaves the announcer position to stop Brother Ray. The two argue for a bit. Back in el ring, Sabin & Shelly hit a sick combination blockbuster-neckbreaker-suplex on Jesse Neal for the pin. Wow. Awesome move. We cut back from the ring to see Team 3-D arguing.
(it’s from here on that I caught the action live)
It’s A.J. Styles vs Samoa Joe! It’s happening right now! A.J. has Joe in a headlock, which Samoa Joe elbows out of. Joe follows that up with a clothesline, and then sets up Styles for a big kick. The kick is followed up by a senton splash. Joe goes for a cover but only gets a 2 count. A.J. Styles takes over, which prompts Mike Tenay to comment on his “Cocksure Attitude.” Hey now, Tenay. Kids are watching. While Tenay is commenting on the confidence of his junk, Styles goes to put Samoa Joe into the Figure Four Leg Lock. Samoa Joe ends up converting the attempt into a rear naked choke, which Styles taps out from.
Samoa Joe leaves the ring to go surf or spear fish or whatever those people do, and a disappointed Ric Flair climbs into the ring. He chews out A.J. Styles for a bit, with Kazarian acting as the Salacious Crumb to Flair’s Jabba The Hutt. Ric goes on to praise Kazarian as they walk away. A glaring A.J. Styles grabs the mic, shouts out Queensbridge, and then asks if Kazarian thinks what happened is funny. A.J. says that what’s funny is that he’ll beat Kazarian like a crying little girl. A.J. asks how big a man Kazarian thinks he is, and the Homosexual Innuend-O-Meter needle is officially buried for this segment. Styles challenges Kazarian to a match next week. Ric Flair gives his blessing and Kazarian accepts. Y.M.C.A. starts playing over the speakers, Mario Cantone comes out throwing handfuls of glitter around the Impact Zone, and Ellen Degeneres is named the special guest referee. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
We are then treated to our (okay, my) first commercial break of the evening. Half-Pint Brawlers makes me sad for so many reasons. There’s also a commercial for the “TNA Impact” video game. I’d be excited about this if I played and/or cared about video games.
Impact returns, and we’re in the back with Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Dixie Carter who is not, in fact, the brunette from Designing Women who wasn’t Delta Burke. Bischoff says Sting has become self-obsessed. Dixie says there has to be a reason why. Hulk Hogan says he’s always been like this. At this point, Kevin Nash walks in. Hogan tells Nash to give them a minute. Nash is incredulous, but acquiesces to Hogan’s request and departs without further utterances. Hulk then says Sting can’t handle success. Dixie disagrees, and then Bischoff says to look at the people who Sting has assaulted.
Eric says competition is one thing, but Sting’s actions are borderline criminal. Hogan says Sting is trying to sink the ship. Dixie Carter scoffs and says that Sting has been in TNA for a while and wouldn’t do that. Hogan says if the Sting problem isn’t fixed, other wrestlers will leave TNA. Hulk says Sting is a cancer, and Bischoff says Sting should be fired, suspended, arrested–anything to keep him away. Hogan says Dixie can’t let this go by. Dixie Carter then says she’ll do something about it tonite, by herself, and will let Hogan & Bischoff know how it goes.
We come back to the ring where Desmond Wolfe and the ridiculously hot Chelsea are arguing. It’s Desmond Wolfe vs Brian Kendrick, and Kendrick makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Kendrick’s attacks on Doug Williams over the last couple of weeks. In honor of Kendrick’s submission match with Williams at the Victory Road pay-per-view, Kendrick vs Wolfe will share that stipulation. Match starts with Wolfe working on Kendrick in the corner, followed by a reversal from Kendrick. Doug Williams is now at the announce position. Kendrick gets tossed to the outside, and Williams says that Kendrick will tap out so quickly it’ll make him look like Fred Astaire. Back at ringside, Wolfe is still yelling at Chelsea. Apparently, Wolfe is angry at smoking hot women for…uh… No idea. Chelsea could slap my best friend Joe and I’d still hit it. Sheeit, Joe would probably be okay with it. In the ring, Kendrick takes down Wolfe and hits him with a few punches. Wolfe breaks it up with a Greco-Roman rake to the eyes. An announcement is made that, next week, Doug Williams will take on Jeremy Buck in a ladder match. Williams complains it’s a conspiracy. Oliver Stone could not be reached for comment. Meanwhile, Chelsea, tired of taking the verbal abuse from Desmond Wolfe, walks out. Wolfe is distracted and Kendrick capitalizes and puts a modified version of the Cobra Clutch on Wolfe. Wolfe taps out, making Kendrick the victor. On commentary, Williams says that Kendrick only has one submission move in his arsenal and that won’t be enough. Apparently, Williams did not hear that Brian Kendrick is working on a potentially devastating Decepticon Clutch, as well as a Skeletor Nerve Hold and a Rita Repulsa Royal Octopus Hold.
Still to come on Impact is Abyss vs Jeff Hardy, with Rob Van Dam as the special guest referee. Also, making his return to TNA is The Pope D’Angelo Dinero.
We are then treated to ourmy second commercial break of the evening. Adrien Brody stars in Predators, a movie that I’m hoping will redeem him from the haunts-my-nightmares-it-was-so-terrible film, Splice. Kids, lemme give you some advice: If you have a girl that you want to keep, don’t bring her to see Splice. Or, if you have a girl you don’t want to keep, bring her to see Splice, then leave before the credits are up. Seriously, it’s cheaper than the neurolyzer you’ll need after it.
We’re back, and Tommy Dreamer is getting into his car in Yonkers, New York. Someone off-camera asks Tommy what he’s doing in TNA. Dreamer says it’s his personal time, no questions, and the camera cuts. I look forward to that footage ending up on TMZ, where that blonde prat who looks like the offspring of the Jonas Brothers and Hanson will make terrible jokes, causing me to glare at him and sharpen a steak knife while muttering the word “Soon…” over and over again.
We cut to a video montage of “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero moments. The song they’re using during the montage is pretty cool. Lots of match highlights. The video package ends and then the man himself eases on down, eases on down the ra-amp. The Pope talks about his injured shoulder at the hands of Mr. Anderson and the crowd chants “Hallelujah.” I didn’t notice Leonard Cohen in the crowd, but maybe they showed him in the 34 minutes of the show I missed. D’Angelo thanks the crowd with tears in his eyes. He says it’s moments like this that make him realize that every minute of busting his butt has been worth it. The crowd starts chanting “Pope”, and D’Angelo says he couldn’t have done it without Mama Pope, Dixie Pope, Hulk Pope & Eric Pope. Dinero says that people are asking if this can really be the return since he’s only at 80%. Dinero says that at 80% it’s his obligation to be the Pope of his congregation. The Pope wants to make it clear that he hasn’t forgotten about Mr. Anderson and that Mr. Anderson has deceived people. The Pope then says that he’s still in the top 10 because he’s not new to the game, but true to the game. He says that at 80% he’s on all 8 cylinders, that he’s the Cadillac of wrestling. When reached for comment, Cadillac said that they were the D’Angelo Dinero of cars, so it works. Pope says he wants to get back to the #1 spot so he can win the TNA World Championship. He says everyone knows that the Pope is Pimpin’ and asks for an amen.
Just then, Kurt Angle’s music hits and out walks the former Olympic gold medalist. Angle welcomes D’Angelo Dinero back and says he’s a big fan. Kurt says The Pope has been making a lot of noise, and that he’s the future of TNA. Kurt says he knows D’Angelo is trying to climb the ranks for a title shot, but so is he. Therefore, at Victory Road, it’s gonna be “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs Kurt Angle. Angle says it’s good news for Pope because he has everything to gain and nothing to lose. Angle says that if he loses, it could be his last match. Kurt says he wants to shake D’Angelo’s hand and say may the best man win, but then ends by saying he (he meaning Kurt) must be victorious.
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening. The first commercial is of a bearded guy sitting at a table outside. His mother asks him if he wants rice for dinner. The guy replies and says “I don’t want any rice, rice sucks.” Just then, a crazy dude in a Hannibal Lectar mask stabs the guy at the table with a friggin’ lightsaber. The dude in the mask screams and they cut to an announcer. The announcer says, “Rice. Eat it, or we’ll kill you.” Best. Commercial. Ever.
We’re back in the Impact Zone, and a recap of the entire Ric Flair-Jay Lethal saga is shown. They show the epic “Woo-Off” and Ric Flair & A.J. Styles’ assault on Lethal’s little brother. Jay Lethal comes down to the ring and wants to speak on this. Lethal says he no longer has any respect for Ric Flair after the attack on his brother. Lethal says his brother isn’t a wrestler and he didn’t sign up for that beating. I call bullspit, as there was clearly a clipboard with “Jay Lethal’s Younger Brother” written on it in cursive…or maybe that’s just the peyote. Lethal then calls out Flair and A.J. Styles and says he’s not leaving the ring until one of them comes out to face him.
Instead of Styles or Ric Flair, future Jay-Z lawsuit victim “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan comes out, and apparently it’s Jay Lethal vs Matt Morgan time. Morgan says he has to apologize for interrupting, but that he’s not sorry. He says that Flair said he’s forming a group called Fortune, and that Morgan was the first person Ric asked to join. Morgan goes on to say that he hasn’t decided to accept, but there is one thing that he and Ric agree on. Rather than verbally explain what that commonality is, Morgan chooses to attack.
The match is underway as Morgan has Lethal in a sick one leg, standing surfboard through the ropes. Lethal makes his way out of the hold, then throws some punches and chops. Lethal attempts a cross body but Matt Morgan catches Lethal and hits him with a fall-away slam. Nice little sequence there. Morgan follows that up with a headbutt and choke in the corner and then on the ropes. Or, as my fellow Latinos say, “Los Ropes.” Morgan goes for a cover but Lethal kicks out at 2. Morgan misses the big bicycle kick and ends up crotching himself on the ropes. Scrambled Eggs! Lethal capitalizes with a couple of chops and some kicks. Lethal hits a big time inziguiri-esque kick and follows it up with a flying shoulder block. Lethal goes for the cover but only gets a 2. Lethal tries a springboard move onto Morgan but ends up in chokeslam position. Morgan tosses Lethal out of the ring. While the ref is checking on Lethal, Hernandez runs down to the ring and gives Matt Morgan a low blow. There will be no lovin’ in the Morgan household tonite! Lethal climbs back in the ring, nails Morgan with a springboard dropkick, and scores the pinfall. Yay for distracted refs! Yay for Jay Lethal! Ouch for the much-mashed marbles of Matt Morgan!
We then cut to the back where Abyss is hammering nails into a 2×4. Abyss says each nail is to pave the way for “Them”, that each nail is more and more for control for “Them”. Abyss says they will own TNA, and that the 2x4xNails looks like it’s really gonna hurt someone. Abyss then leaves, most likely to find Brandi, Mekhi Phifer, or Sarah Michelle Gellar.
We are then treated to our fourth (4th) commercial break of the evening. Amongst said commercials? A TNA merchandise advert. This is amusing because Don West now follows me on twitter.
Impact is back with some TNA Knockout Action! Taylor Wilde is in the ring, and she’ll be facing Madison Rayne, who is walking down towards the ring. They show clips of Rayne’s “The Beautiful People” cohorts, Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich, both on the receiving end of DDTs on chairs, courtesy of Angelina Love. Madison Rayne looks extra trashy tonite, but Taylor Wilde is decidedly less porn-starry than I’ve seen thus far in TNA. Madison Rayne (or Mad-Ray, for short) is in control at first with a hair pull, but Taylor Wilde fights back with some forearm shots. Mad-Ray executes a takedown on Wilde, then brings her over to the ropes to choke her for a bit. Switching up things for a minute, Madison then grabs the face of Wilde and twists up, putting her in a hold I expertly recognized as the Polynesian Face Grab. That move should be illegal, because if Wilde was tapped on the back whilst in that hold, it could stay permanent!
Luckily, no such tragedy occurs, as Taylor Wilde powers out of the move and hits a huracanrana. Both ladies are up (yeah they are!) and Wilde throws a couple more forearm shots at Madison Rayne. Rayne takes control, but just then, Rhyno, Stevie Richards, Raven & Tommy Dreamer walk out through the crowd to take seats. The crowd starts chanting “ECW! ECW!”, and then WWE lawyers handed out C&D letters.
Back in the ring, Taylor Wilde misses a flying high cross body, and AND THAT KID! IS BACK! ON THE ESCALATOR! as Madison Rayne slaps on another Polynesian face grab. Rayne hits a sick finisher on Taylor for the pinfall. After the 3 count is made, Angelina Love (who might be my favorite Knockout aside from Chelsea, *swoooon*) heads down to the ring. Angelina hits Madison in the midsection with a chair and goes for the big DDT on the aforementioned seating instrument. Rayne wiggles out, escaping the fate what befell her flunkies. Angelina Love then sits down on the chair and looks all porn star trashy, which I appreciate because she’s not my daughter (okay, that was extra snarky, but I bet it made Wheeler and my buddy Joe laugh).
Post-match, Dixie Cougar, er, Carter is shown climbing the stairs to the rafters.
We are then treated to our fifth commercial break of the evening, which I use to snuggle with F.R.E.D. because he’s the most non-humpingly affectionate dog in the entire world. Also, two brands/products/companies that should never, ever, everevereverever be shown back to back are definitely Taco Bell…and Trojan Condoms. Well, it happened. I don’t even have to make a joke here. The cringe on your face, dear reader, lets me know you are indeed picking up what I am putting down.
TNA Impact returns with a shot of Sarita fighting Taylor Wilde in the back. Odd, because they were tag team partners. Sarita is giving Taylor a skraight up “QUIT CALLIN’ MAH MAN!” ass-whoopin’. Lots of expletives and ass kickery happening. I almost wanna call down to the Impact Zone and say “Ladies, Ladies! Don’t fight! There’s plenty of Rey to go around!” Before I can get anyone on the phone, security breaks up the fight. “You never break up a girl fight, Ted! Never! Never! Never!” *punches wall* Sarita gets a crazy loud slap on the face of Taylor. Ugly (in a good way) brawl.
We cut back to the announcers, Mike Tenay, who’s okay in a hokey kinda way, and Taz, who looks like a bald me in sunglasses. No, seriously. The men behind the mics run down the Victory Road card, and here it be:
~ Madison Rayne (c) vs Angelina Love for the Knockouts Title.
~ Ink Inc. vs Beer Money for the vacant Tag Team titles.
~ Kurt Angle vs “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.
~ Ric Flair vs Jay Lethal
~ Hernandez vs Matt Morgan in a Steel Cage
~ Rob Van Dam (c) vs Abyss vs Mr. Anderson vs Jeff Hardy for the TNA World Championship
We cut to Dixie Carter finding Sting. Dixie tells Sting that Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff say he’s a cancer. She says his behavior can’t continue and that Sting has done this to himself, and as a result, he’s suspended for 30 days effective immediately. Sting asks if Dixie thinks it’s about money. Dixie says that Sting always speaks so cryptically that she doesn’t know. Sting says he’ll explain it to her in child speak, but just than Eric Bischoff bursts onto the scene. Eric says Enough, and calls security to escort Sting out the building. Sting tells Dixie to go ahead and make the suspension indefinite. Sting walks off with security. Bischoff says that Sting is dangerous and that Dixie should have security from now on. He says Sting is out of control and that this issue is not over.
We are then treated to our sixth commercial break of the day, which I use to bring forth this earth-shattering idea: They need to make a Salute Your Shorts movie. This needs to happen like, now.
It’s not peanut butter jelly time. It’s not Go Time (even tho’ it is). It’s not Vader time. It’s Main Event time in the Impact Zone! It’s Jeff Hardy vs Abyss, with R.V.D. as the Special Guest Referee! Abyss is out with the 2x4xNails. Jeff Hardy is out next, and I recoil at the sound of his loathsome nickname, “The Charismatic Enigma.” Hardy starts off with punches and ducks the 2x4xNails. Hardy has abyss in the corner with punches. Abyss tosses Hardy off the top rope. Hardy goes for a springboard crossbody on Abyss, and then gets up and tosses out the 2x4xNails. The crowd must want B-List fast food because it’s now chanting “Hardees! Hardees!” *checks earpiece* It’s not? *listens* H-A-R-D-Y? *checks* Ohhhh. Both men end up on the outside and, *ahem* Â Hardy goes for the twist of fate, but Abyss throws Hardy into the ringpost. Abyss then tries flexing at a girl in the audience and she doesn’t even flinch. More proof that girls aren’t any fun.
Abyss throws Jeff back into the ring, and then into the turnbuckle. Hardy counters with punches, but Abyss regains control with a side slam. Abyss covers but Hardy kicks out at two. Hardy gets up, regains control. Jeff grabs a chair and uses it for that flying leg lariat thing he used to do off his brother’s back. Jeff follows that up with the Whisper in the Wind and a pin that only gets a two count. Hardy then throws Abyss into the ropes, but Abyss hits a big boot and a bigger splash, which yields another near-fall.
Loud “Let’s Go Har-Dy!” chant right now, and Abyss responds with an attempt at the Shock Treatment. Not the shocker, because that would be gross. Attempt is unsuccessful, and then Hardy is up to the top rope. Abyss climbs up and tries for a choke slam, but Hardy nails Abyss with elbows and overhand rights. Abyss falls to the canvas, and Hardy hits the Swanton bomb for the 1-2-3.
After the pinfall, a livid Abyss attacks the Charismatic, Systematic, Hydromatic Enigma Jeff Hardy from behind. Rob Van Dam pulls Abyss off of Hardy, only to get hit with Abyss’ Black Hole Slam. Abyss goes to the outside to grab his 2x4xNails when Mr. Anderson runs out with a steel chair. Anderson knocks the 2x4xNails out of Abyss’ hand, then hits Abyss with the steel chair. Anderson goes for the homerun swing but Abyss ducks, causing Anderson to inadvertently hit Hardy with the chair.
Anderson then stares at Hardy, and Abyss gets Mr. Anderson with the shock treatment. Abyss is the last man standing as we end another good, linear building-nicely-to-a-ppv show. One more Impact to go until Victory Road!
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact Recapper. He is also an accomplished millionaire BASE-jumping spelunker who enjoys weaponized hallucinogens.
