The Words Of Doom!
by Starman on June 15, 2007

Salutations comic-readers of the world! It is I, Victor Von Doom – Supreme Ruler of all Latveria – once again exercising Doom’s right to speak freely upon matters of great importance.

Those of you who have missed Doom’s earlier missive may well wonder ‘Why would one with the might and clout of Victor Von Doom need to speak through a humble magazine devoted to illustrated fiction? Surely the major news networks would bow to the whims of one so famous and so powerful?’

And indeed they might, were most of the American media machine not currently perched like fat pigeons outside the cell of one Paris Hilton, awaiting the latest news on her imprisonment. A sad, sad statement upon your society. In Latveria, we do not allow such worthless people to retain wealth and grow lazy off the labors of others. Nor are drunk drivers punished with mere imprisonment – or they would not be, had Doom not outlawed personal civilian motor vehicles and thus indirectly ended the scourge of drunk driving! Advantage: Doom!

But despite the many flaws of the American society and media, Doom must admit that while your mistakes are plentiful, many of you do seem to try and learn from your errors and ensure that they will not be repeated. This would explain why Doom found Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer to be a much more tolerable film than the first film based upon the battle between Doom and the accursed Reed Richards and his family!

Now, your American film critics may speak at length of how the visual effects quality has improved considerably and that the performances of the actors are engaging and closely match the personalities of Richards and his family. Doom does not deny this. But such frivolous discussion is not Doom’s purpose here. Nay, Doom shall speak of what is truly important – how did the filmmakers portray the glory that is Doom?

Poorly, it must be said. Though in fairness Doom doubts there is any filmmaker, writer or actor who could do Doom true justice without Doom’s hand to guide them. The theatric arts, amazing though they are, are a poor thing to simulate the awesome power that is Doom. Still, considering the pitiful results of their last outing, the film-makers do improve greatly upon their past mistakes – though the weak, high and very American accent of Australian actor Julian McMahon is a still an unworthy match for the dulcet baritone voice of Doom! Still, there has been much improvement.

1. The Power of Doom

First and foremost, the metallic skin that the movie Doom was cursed with in the last film is quickly and permanently removed. Doom would have preferred for some scaring to have remained as a visual reminder of what Richard’s incompetence had done but Doom will take what Doom can get and be thankful that the movie Doom did not have cloven feet and the power to vomit flame retardant foam as in your most recent biased Fantastic Four comics.

2. The Armor of Doom

Doom is finally clad in the amazing armor that is Doom’s trademark. Though it is not until the climax of the film that he does so, we do see the movie Doom working on his armor throughout the film until the moment when… ah, but that would be telling. Suffice it to say, Doom does finally appear in his full glory by the film’s end.

3. The Wisdom of Doom

My words of how Doom should be played seem to have reached the writers and actor. While still far from worthy of the name Victor Von Doom, Julian McMahon does the best with what the writers give him. We see attempts made to portray Doom the Master Manipulator and Doom the Master Scientist, with some success.

While the character of Movie Doom is played in a most unsympathetic manner (What else would one expect of an American propaganda piece?) he is at least depicted as a credible threat of enormous power in this film. And his grand scheme to seize the power that is his destiny is based off of one of Doom’s most famous adventures. And while Movie Doom is defeated through means that even Doom could not have foreseen, the field is left open for Doom’s triumphant return should another one of these so-called Fantastic Four films be made.

Rest assured that Doom has plans to counter this bigoted film franchise with a self-financed film directed by the most famous filmmaker of Eastern Europe. Of course Doom does not usually lower himself to watch such low entertainment as most American films but Doom has read many message boards regarding this director and Doom concludes that, much like Doom, this true genius is not appreciated by The American People.

For now, if one must see a biased and inaccurate account of Doom’s struggle with the accursed Richards and his family, this film would be far preferable to any other film made thus far.

Still… one day very soon… the day will come when Doom shall get his cinematic just desserts!

Doom’s Day! Written and directed by Uwe Boll. Starring Doombot #37 as Victor Von Doom. Await it in the summer of 2010!



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