Welcome to the second edition of “That Being Saidâ€, the weekly recap of TNA Impact from yours truly. Thanks for the response my debut article got, the comments were a lot of fun. I wanted to address some of them before we got into the show. If I get enough comments, I’ll make it a regular thing.
Steven Millan: I really hate to say this,but during the RVD/Mr. Anderson Vs. Beer Money match I thought at first it was Abyss without his mask and sporting dreadlocks that took RVD out,but then I realized that it was Matt Hardy.
Blair: Dude, don’t worry. I thought it was Mick Foley. Then I thought it was fucking Tugboat.
Crystal: I guess since I’m reading the recap and not actually watching, I’m still a lady. And since I’m reading your recap, I guess I’m your only lady fan.
Blair: Are you coming on to me?
Tom Hicks: What kinda name is Blair?
WaterDrip: It’s a Facts of Life reference.
Blair: Y-you mean H-harrison asked you out on a d-d-d-d…
Tootie Ramsey: DATE, Blair; we call it a DATE!
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, to some wing-ding Friday night.
Natalie Green: Could that be YOUR wing-ding, Blair?
Blair: Are you coming on to me?
CB: Why recap TNA if you are so cynical about more than half the product going in?
Blair: Excellent question. Unfortunately, this is probably where the honeymoon ends for some of you. First of all, “cynical†isn’t the word. “Blown away in disbelief by†would be better words. And it’s WAY more than half the product. It’s like 75-90% of it.
TNA is fun to watch in the way that Jerry Springer or Maury are fun to watch. You know what you’re watching is bad. You might even feel like an idiot for watching. I know I do a lot of the time. But it’s still fun. And, it’s funny. Funny because you just can’t believe how such an assemblage of idiots with ALMOST nothing but terrible ideas can be allowed to run a company. Funny because you just can’t imagine how someone as smart as Dixie Carter could be talked into buying and running a wrestling company, then talked into giving the reigns to people who it’s been PROVEN (several times in some cases) don’t know how to run a wrestling company. Funny because there is no other sport (or form of entertainment, or whatever) where you can see guys who are 50 and 60 years old trying to do things that they really can’t do anymore, all because they’ve developed expensive addictions, gone through several financially damaging divorces, or, gone through one REALLY financially DEVASTATING divorce stemming from that one night that they decided they wanted to fuck someone who looked exactly like their daughter without checking to see if they had a pre-nup in place first. (Hulk Hogan should kill his attorneys.)
So WHY am I so cynical about the product? It’s because TNA is retarded. Sorry. I don’t throw that word out there lightly. But it is. It always has been. And that’s sad, because it has all the potential in the world to be an alternative product that stands up as being competition. Don’t misunderstand – no one in this day and age thinks that any wrestling company in the world is going to bring down WWE, it just isn’t common sense. But TNA had the potential and the talent to be an alternative product. It still does. But it won’t be. They don’t make good decisions. They never have. And based on their track record, they never will.
There are tons of examples. There was that time that Jeff Jarrett booked himself as Brock Lesnar for the first 2 years of the company’s history. Then there was that time last year, where a couple months after headlining a December PPV with AJ Styles, that Christopher Daniels got sick of not being on TV after busting his ass and being a major part of the company for several years, and was like “Hey, guys. I’m leaving.†and no one tried to stop him. And then he’s like “No, seriously. I’m leaving.†and still no one tried to stop him. Then there was that time they thought people would be happy to see Val Venis and The Nasty Boys… in 2010. Then there was that time they fired Homicide and left Hernandez in Mexico. Then there was that time that they gave Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff, guys who’ve had 2-3 good ideas… combined… ever… large amounts of creative control. Then there was that time they “invaded” WWE’s catering area. Then there was that time they told Orlando Jordan to do something with fake / possibly real splooge that I forgot what it was and just refuse to try and YouTube. Then there was everything they ever did with Matt Morgan (hiring him, pushing him, not firing him, etc.) Then there was PacMan Jones. Then there was Suicide.
And then there was the one time that Kurt Angle decided that he would bring his wife Karen to TNA to be a character, and it was actually going pretty well. Then, Kurt and Karen’s boss, founder and part-owner of TNA, Jeff Jarrett, who’s wife of 20-something years had JUST died 2 months before after a long battle with cancer… started having sex with Karen while she and Kurt were still married. Then Karen and Jeff moved in together, and Jeff started raising Kurt Angle’s kids. Then the whole thing went public, and Kurt Angle tore apart half the city of Pittsburgh looking for them, until he calmed down and had sex with a bunch of black girls. TNA wasn’t so calm, they just stared in disbelief at Jarrett that he could do something so stupid. So they took him off TV, until they decided that wasn’t enough, and then brought him back to TV so they could show him working in catering and getting beaten up in a bathroom by Val Venis until he served out his sentence. Until they decided to turn the whole thing into a worked shoot, which is a concept that was 2-3 years outdated when Matt Hardy and Edge did it.
See? See? TNA is awesome. They’re not doing it on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome. You can’t see this kinda stuff anywhere else. TNA the company is way more entertaining than TNA the show could ever hope to be. And I can’t watch WWE, not really, I haven’t been able to for the last few years. I’m not ripping on WWE – I understand what they’re doing, and what they’re doing over there makes absolutely perfect business sense and I know that I’m probably in the minority when I say I have a hard time enjoying it. But I myself find WWE really, really, really boring. That’s not to say I don’t keep up with what’s going on, or that there aren’t some things I tune in to see, because there is. But that’s something for another intro, because this is getting way longer than I’d intended.
All right, enough of everyone coming on to me. LET’S CROSS THE LINE!!! ARE YOU READY FOR MORE EXPLOSIONS?!?!?!
“Crimson Sees Red”
Like last week, we see Kurt Angle walking towards the entrance. Then he walks to the ring. No music. He says that last week, he took the high road. He says that Jeff and Karen are not taking the high road, and that it’s their fault that Immortal is involved. He says that he was totally gonna retire after Bound For Glory, but circumstances with Jarrett and Karen are forcing him to go the other way. Then he asks the fans if they want to see him in the ring one more time, even if he has to beat the living *BOOP* out of Jeff Jarrett.
Bischoff comes out with Immortal. He jabbers. He says Angle is retired. He jabbers some more. He says Immortal is going to kick Angle’s ass. Immortal heads down to the ring, and surround Angle. People chant for Angle. Immortal hits the ring, and Angle does well, but there’s like 20 guys on him, so it doesn’t last long. Crimson hits the ring with a bat.
Flair comes down to the ring, pitching an insane fit, calling Crimson a dumbass. Then he completely loses his mind and I don’t understand a single thing he says. Flair is awesome. He says that next week they will “stick they, whoever they are, up their own asses.” Prophetic. Flair says he is a God, and that if Angle wants to wrestle again, that he will be Angle’s God. Then something about lifting a van? And that Angle is wrestling tonight. He says Angle is gonna wrestle Jarrett, then Jarrett and Karen freak out. Then Flair says Angle and Kaz is also gonna wrestle Beer Money, Kaz, and the two Immortal security guys who Flair says want a spot on the roster and want Flair to know their names, then he names one of them and not the other. Then he says they’re also gonna wrestle “The Giant” and I’m guessing he means Abyss. I could be wrong about anything that Flair just said because on a scale of 1 to 10, Flair is about a 30 when it comes to how close he is to having a fucking stroke. He continues to scream and *BOOP as we go into commercial.
Now Bischoff is asking why in the world Flair would re-instate Angle after all the trouble they went into making him retire himself. Which is a pretty solid question. Flair… screams. I don’t know about what. He’s racing and yelling and screaming and throwing his jacket around. Bischoff asks him another kind of question which I can’t hear because Flair is yelling over him but unless the question was “why in the world did you stop taking your pills” it doesn’t matter. He’s red as a tomato. I’m pretty sure he’s going to die of a heart attack tonight. It’s possible I don’t even understand what’s going on during this show tonight. This shit is nuts. This is like Season 3 Diva NXT with old people.
Taz says that Kurt Angle threw a monkey-wrench into the plans of Immortal. Which isn’t true. Ric Flair did that, because Ric Flair is fucking insane. Also, apparently Dixie Carter has something to say tonight.
TNA Knockout Tag-Team Elimination Match
Madison Rayne, Tara & Sarita .vs. HARDCORE COUNTRY & The Beautiful People
First of all, “TNA Knockout Tag-Team Elimination Match” is exactly how they described this match. Terrific. They say something about Madison’s loaded glove – I think I remember something about that. So The Beautiful People are about to go out, and Ultimate Warrior is upset that she’s not with Velvet. Velvet says something about her friend who’s name I forget being her BFF, and tells Warrior to chill the fuck out, and the BP goes outside. Then Warrior unleashes the power of desctrucity and starts screaming and punching walls. Wow, this entire show is just nuts now.
Then everything goes nuts int he ring. They’re all tackling each other and screaming a lot. Mickie and Madison start fighting and everyone brawls until just two of them end up in the ring and the match starts. Lots of screaming from the girls, even when they’re not in the match. It makes everything really hard to focus on. Angelina actually dishes out a powerslam and reverses a move from Madison into a nice clothesline. Then she tags Mickie, and Sarita comes in. Then Velvet comes in, and the announcers are saying Velvet wants some revenge against Sarita, because I’m thinking those were the two in the trailer attempted homicide? I like how the Knockout division actually has more defined feuds than the rest of this fed. Like, that’s one of the only things that TNA does better than WWE on purpose or otherwise, WWE just usually has two chicks brawling for reasons not well explained with a couple other girls waiting to jump in the feud at any moment. But TNA has attempted homicides in the division.
Okay, more screaming, people in the ring illegally… man, this is hard to stay on top of. I’m not rewinding, that would just be silly. Something with the loaded glove, and Velvet is gone. Then more wierd stuff happens with rollups, like 3 in a row, and Mickie and Madison are out. I can’t even keep the teams straight. These girls are working hard, but… the screaming is really hard to overlook and this doesn’t seem well rehearsed. They’re taking a commercial break during this? For serious?
So now it’s Sarita and Tara against Angelina. They go backstage and Velvet is down, for some reason, which doesn’t really matter because she’s already been eliminated. I’m not questioning this. Confusion is a way of life for me during this show. This is awesome. It’s like a circus. Anyway, Angelina is working hard in the ring against her two opponents. It’s easier to follow now. Angelina looks like she’s been learning some moves. But she gets double teamed. Sarita tries some kind of pin that confuses the ref, and she tries to cover a botch, but she falls all over the place.
This match is still going. At least it makes a bit more sense now. Out of nowhere, Angelina hits something called “The Botox Injection” and pins Tara. Then Sarita tries to roll her up, but Angelina rolls her up for the win.
Winner: Angelina Love
Kurt Angle is talking to someone on the phone. He is saying that they need to speed up the process and that he needs them there. He says he will see them later.
Matt Hardy would like everyone to know that he has gotten no better at cutting promos and that he should be paying Raven royalties for a character ripoff. He talks about Jeff. He talks about Anderson. He talks about smiling. He talks about cold blood and icy veins. No thank you.
Kaz is at commentary.
TNA X-Division #1 Contender Qualifying Match
Amazing Red .vs. Max Buck .vs. Chris Sabin
WHAT’S WITH THE FUCKING MATCH NAMES?!?! All 3 guys talk about how they’re going to win on a split screen as they walk to the ring. This does not work because they’re all terrible at talking except Sabin. Amazing Red says he’s been there for 8 years. That’s sad. During the entire Gen ME guys promo, his brother moelests him and stares creepily at the camera. Chris Sabin doesn’t suck. Kaz tries to be funny as they come out. It doesn’t work.
Fortunately, despite all that, this was a very fun and fast-paced match. Kaz is trying to ruin it by not being funny, but I’m not letting him. All 3 start by taking control. They all do some crazy shit. Eventually Sabin hits Red with a ROUGH clothesline and kicks the Generation ME kid. Generation ME kid’s brother is out here. They’re all running around. I’m summarizing, but this match is actually a lot of fun. It’s fast and crazy. Eventually the Buck has a sleeper on Sabin and his brother is choking out Red. But Red escapes, come in, and cleans house. He hits an insane twirling DDT that may have killed the Generation ME guy. He tries to jump on Sabin but Sabin grabs him and spikes him hard. Pin, 2 count.
Then the Buck tries to hit a move, which Sabin reverses, which the Buck reverses, and reverse suplexes his down. Pin gets broken up by Red. I’m trying to keep up!!!!! Nevermind, I can’t Red tries a pin on Sabin after hitting a spinning rollup of some sort. He knocks his bro off the apron but the bro crotches him on the rope. The Generation ME guy DDT’s him off the turnbuckle and pins.
Winner: Max Buck
Serious? Max Buck is fighting Kaz for the X-Division Title? No, Tenay and Taz are saying that this is only the first of 3 matches. But the match was called… what? WHAT?
Now Karen Angle is getting the screen time she so richly deserves. She walks into the locker room and asks Double J what he is doing. Double J says he is getting ready for his match. Karen yells at him that KURT WAS ON THE PHONE!!! Double J tells her to calm the fuck down and that she’s crazy. Double J says something about CSI and Angle Foods and that Kurt Angle is just calling Angle Foods so he can get some protein bars. Karen just stares at him in disbelief about that comment. Then Double J asks if they get a cut of Angle Foods… okay, dammit, that’s actually funny, but I hate myself for laughing at it. Then Double J asks her to loosen him up. So she loosens him up.
Now girls are in the back talking. I would love to tell you what they were talking about, but they were talking over each other. Something about one of them getting attacked backstage, and she’s mad at the other girl for not helping her, despite the other girl still being in a match and wouldn’t possibly be able to know the other girl had been hurt. But those are details that they can’t be bothered with. Velvet says it was the Warrior. They’re talking at 50 miles an hour here. Angelina asks if maybe Sarita did it, because Sarita is a “crazy Mexican”… despite Sarita being in the ring with Angelina when it happened. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This shit is emberassing. Velvet says that if Angelina doesn’t handle the Warrior, that she will do it. Then she yells BITCH and walks off.
Now we get a video package on Hardy and Anderson and their history. Much like Matt Hardy owes Raven royalties, Jeff Hardy owes Vampiro royalties. Now Vampiro himself is coming out singing his own song. He looks like someone just woke him up from a heroin nap. He sings his own entrance music into the mic for a second, then stops. He’s pissed off about something. He cuts a half decent heel promo and gets some decent heat. They don’t bring up the lights so we get to see him in purple light, making him look like a half-eaten piece of clown jerky.
Now Anderson comes out, which makes the light comes on. JEFF IS WEARING EYELINER!!! Anderson makes fun of Hardy, but it’s not as good as a lot of his recent promos. Nothing too memorable.
They recap Crimson choking and stabbing Immortal guys. The Impact Zone must be located in international waters. There’s no other explanation. They say Abyss is out indefinately after Crimson put the barbwire bat in him last week? I thought Flair said he was in the match tonight. But maybe I misunderstood his ramblings.
I kid you not, the girls are back out here. Velvet is back out here, holding her head. She gets the mic and starts screaming REALLY loudly. She says BITCH and ASSÂ lot and something about Warrior loving boats? Then a song comes on that sounds like something they’d play as the last dance at a Jr. High School. Warrior comes out. Velvet starts kicking her ass. Velvet throws her into the railing. Botches a bunch of kicks and chops, then tosses her in the ring. Then she gets on top of Winter and starts SCREAMING at her some more. Warrior has gotten no offense.
HOLY SHIT!!!!! Warrior just hulks up out of nowhere and just starts destroying Velvet. Angelina comes out and tells Warrior to leave. Warrior listens. Then Velvet screams from the mat and people start chanting “she’s a screamer”, a good sign that this feud is being taken seriously by the fans, who are pretty warped to begin wtih.
The Pope is backstage, walking to the ring. He is talking about how Secret Agent Samoa Joe has been investigating him instead of worrying about how the entire company being taken over by people who have been raping it rotten for over a year now. And how Samoa Joe 007 has gotten Oddjob hired at M16 to help him investigate The Pope’s charity work. And he says he is going to confess, then starts talking… about… something… sleeping with the enemy. I don’t know. Pope turns heel and says he’s better than everyone (hooray for subtlety), then kneels down and then stands up and says he doesn’t like Agent Samoa and what he stands for. He asks what kind of man walks around saying he’s going to kill people… besides the Knockouts I guess. Then Pope says he is going to get a member of his congregation to follow his lead next week. He’s going to give that person a chance to confess? Then he leaves. Samoa Joe will be shaken and stirred by this news. FEEL THE STORYLINE ADVANCEMENT!!!
Things are going nuts backstage with Immortal. Guys are yelling about something. Eric Young is there… okay, whatever. Ric Flair starts yelling at all of them. Eric Young is just standing there agreeing with Flair. After all the guys leave, Flair finally notices Young. He is not happy Young is there. He starts yelling at Young and just generally advancing his eventual stroke and the stroke of everyone that is watching him. Flair said “JESUS” about 50 times in this segment. This show’s quota of Ric Flair going apeshit and taking off his shirt has officially been filled.
They’re really shilling this Bound for Glory DVD. Who the firetruck would buy that show on DVD?
They recap the whole Immortal angle, including Dixie calling Jeff Hardy a piece of shit, and the injunction stuff. Now we’re talking on the phone to Dixie Carter. Or, as Taz is calling her, “Dicks”. Fantastic. She talks about courts and stuff, and apparently she’s back in control of TNA on February 3rd. So next week, convenient that it’s on a Thursday and everything! She talks for less than 20 seconds and hangs up. Now we’re getting Bischoff’s reaction. He says that Dixie is wrong, because he’s an idiot, and plays an idiot on TV. He says it doesn’t matter. But it does. Bischoff has nothing to base this conclusion on. This whole thing is so fucking stupid. He says Jeff Hardy will get the TNA World Title back and that Hulk Hogan will be there.
Ken Anderson .vs. Tugboat
Is Tugboat dead? If so, that might be disrespectful. I better just call him Fatt Hardy. Anyway, Fatt Hardy is pretty fat. He gets fatter every week. Anderson does his intro thing at the top of the ramp. Because that has aged so well. They start the match with Fatt in control. There are like 40 guys in the audience near the front row in red jerseys that are taking my attention away from this bad match, because I want to know who they are. Fatt is trying to move but he’s really fat. He counters a bunch of Anderson’s moves. Basically the entire match was them countering Anderson’s even more terrible version of Cena’s terrible finisher like 6 times before Anderson hits it. That finisher is worse than Cena’s to begin with.
Then Fatt manages a side effect and goes for a pin… but Anderson reverses into a rollup and… pins?
Winner: Ken Anderson
Vampiro comes down and blindsides Anderson. Then the Hardy’s beat his ass for a while. Then Rob Van Dam comes down. Vampiro bails and lets Fatt’s ass get kicked.
Now Kurt and Crimson are walking out, and Kurt says that they won’t be alone out there.
Kurt Angle & Crimson .vs. TNWo (Like 80 guys. I’m not naming them.)
I refuse to try to detail 2 guys taking on an army because it’s ridiculous. So I won’t. Eventually the numbers catch up. Duh. Jarrett comes out. They beat Angle up some more. Jarrett hits the Stroke. He pins.
Winners: TNwo
Tenay says this is bull*BOOP*. They all beat him up some more. Oh good, Matt Morgan is here. He cleans house. Tenay says that Morgan is who Angle was calling. How would he know that? Wouldn’t Morgan be at the Impact Zone anyway? Anyway, the Greenprint doesn’t do anything. He sucks. They beat his ass too.
Then the lights go out. Then they come on.
Scott Fucking Steiner is standing in the ring with a crowbar.
I was hoping this was just a rumor… and… just… I can’t… fuck it. Immortal bails. Show over. I have no words. See you next week.
