Welcome to “That Being Said”. I just got done with about 10 straight hours of flying about 20 minutes before Impact came on. Thank Flair that I already did my intro a couple nights ago. I feel like Brock Lesnar repeatedly yazuka-punched me in the shit. So I’m in the PERFECT state of mind to do Impact tonight. Without further ado, here’s Blair from two nights ago. So young. So innocent. So nubile. So clean shaven and not at all desheviled.
Intro From The Past
Hello, audience from two days from now. This week, I have the final addition to The Best Fu#%ing TNA Team Ever! This guy actually doesn’t work for ThePowerbomb.com though. But they or we should really think about hiring him. This is my attempt to show everyone that I hold no ill will towards the people who unconscionably follow a company like TNA no matter what kind of weird shit they pull. I really think I’ve outdone myself with this addition, and I’m hoping it will connect me more with that demographic of my audience. His name is “Stereotypical TNA Douche”, or “S.T.D.” for short. He may remind you of some of my commenters.
Current BEST F#%&ING TNA TEAM EVER lineup:
(I feel it fair to mention that everyone on the poster is an actual person, except for S.T.D., who is just basically every deluded schmuck who defends everything in TNA compressed together into one person, kind of a robot if you will, that me and Swayze control. Credit to Swayze for coming up with the idea.)
Anyway, as you can see, STD’s contributions will be in orange. Welcome aboard, man. Thanks for being here.
S.T.D.: Pleasure to be here, Blair, but your column just seems to criticize TNA for anything and everything. You hate Matt Morgan in TNA, but if he we’re in WWE, you would LOVE him. Let’s be honest. WWE would love to get their hands on this guy. He would be HUGE because he is BIG!!! Fact!!!
But Matt Morgan was in WWE. He was fired.
All I know is that Rob Terry’s character development has been off the charts. You can’t deny that. Last week they let him speak!!! This is the start of Rob Terry becoming even huger than he already is. I think he is on his way to becoming a big star in Immortal. Maybe let him team with his fellow Brits Doug Williams and Brutus Magnus? They could be a stable with a British theme. He could carry them a long way because he is BIGGER than they are!
I thought we were talking about Matt Morgan. Besides, that Rob Terry thing… already happened. It was called The British Invasion. It was used literally ONLY to elevate Rob Terry, and it failed miserably for that exact reason.
What if they paired it with another anti-American group like Mexican America? Such a thing, a stable merger of such proportions, has NEVER been done in wrestling and would put EVEN IMMORTAL to shame! Ratings would spike!
That’s literally identical to the World Elite storyline from 2009. Ratings did not spike.
Why would it not work, Blair, because Rob Terry walks with one foot in front of the other and breathes air? What’s next, Blair? You and everyone need to get on board the Rob Terry Train, because when TNA overtakes WWE with the Rob Terry Train, you’re going to look awfully foolish. And Jeff Jarrett is the pro wrestling MVP of 2011. That’s a FACT! Just being honest.
Swayze: Boy, you might be legally retarded.
So I’m guessing everyone has an idea of how this is going to work now. But just in case you don’t, here’s another example.
Hey S.T.D., what did you think of the Jeff Hardy \ Sting PPV thing where Jeff showed up drunk and the main event PPV World Title match was a minute and a half long and a riot erupted as a result?
Oh, MAN. Talk about a success story! TNA took advantage of a situation and got a massive RATINGS SPIKE as a result of the media picking up the story! Controversy creates cash!
But ratings didn’t go up. And Jeff Hardy or Sting could have gotten hurt if Jeff was messed up. Or during the riot that fans incited afterwards.
Blair, are you really going to criticize Jeff Hardy for using drugs and alcohol recreationally on the day that he was in a main event PPV World Title match? Is that what you’re sinking to now? What’s next, you criticizing Jeff Hardy for living in a house with four walls? Get real. This was a blessing that the company used to take ALL the momentum out of The Road To SnookiMania! Why do you think WrestleMania did so awful?
WrestleMania didn’t do awful. They got a huge buyrate. And Jeff Hardy burned down his house, which it turns out was just a trailer parked outside Matt Hardy’s house.
Blair, you’re being silly. WrestleMania was awful. All the critics agree.
I know WrestleMania was awful. But it didn’t DO awful.
Madison Rayne has totally revolutionized women’s wrestling without even having to wrestle. TNA needs to hang on to this girl!
Daffney .vs. TNA
So last week, I put a link to that Daffney article. It sparked a few comments here and there. I think the consensus was that people thought that I wanted TNA to lose and that I thought TNA would lose. I don’t think TNA will lose. And I don’t even really want TNA to lose, as much as I would like Daffney to get what she deserves. I feel like someone who is told she will be taken care of, should be taken care of. That’s what it boils down to.
This is where people like STD come in, people who defend TNA no matter what kind of shit they pull. Also, this is where it pays to have THE BEST F#%ING TNA TEAM EVER on my staff. Check out what Swayze found for me earlier this week:
Konnan was in the same situation Daffney is in. End result: TNA pays Konnan a million bucks. But that doesn’t stop the trolls from 411 like Gary The Lawyer from copying and pasting their garbage comments anywhere they can find. Which is exactly what he did here:
From http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/news/184147/TNA-News:-Mick-Foley-Update,-New-Trademark,-More.htm
Comment: She is an independant contractor. They do not have the benefits that unionized workers have in America. Wrestling is a physical and dangerous sport. You know the risks of being a professional wrestler. She knew the risks and did it anyway. Daffney wrestled on TNA just a few months ago and it’s on video. How can she claim injuries when she wrestled still was able to wrestle? Daffney loses this battle. Maybe she gets TNA to pay her medical bills, but that is it. TNA wins this one very easily.
Posted By: Gary The Lawyer (Guest)Â on April 29, 2011 at 10:37 AM
Oh that’s right. I know all. I’m like Batman! FACT! Fist pump!
So the same Gary that posted on my article, posted the exact same comment… claiming to be a lawyer… on 411. So being a lawyer, Gary, assuming you are a lawyer, you know that a lot of independant contractors still get workman’s comp, right? And you would also know that a lot of businesses that hire independant contractors have insurance, right? But I guess you don’t know that your average lawyer generally doesn’t troll multiple wrestling news sites defending a company that rides their staff like rented mules.
See what I mean? These people will defend a HYPNOSIS storyline. I don’t understand that at all. But that’s cool. But defending THIS? You gotta draw a line somewhere, Gary. Daffney isn’t deserving of some cash here? I’m sorry Gary, in advance, for the next couple paragraphs. I try my best not to judge, I really do.
But that’s fucking stupid. It really is. So what you’re saying is, that Daffney was talked into doing a stunt when she said she didn’t want to, and she was told she would be taken care of and wasn’t, but that she’s not entitled to shit because she’s an “independent contractor”?
By that logic, WWE should have told Droz “you knew what you were getting into, asshole!” when D’Lo Brown fucked him up doing a HIP TOSS. Droz was an independent contractor. And D’Lo is a CAPABLE WRESTLER. You would have been totally cool with that? Same with Chris Nowinski? You do understand that is pretty much what you’re saying, right?
So while we’re at it, is Martha Hart a greedy whore for getting a settlement out of WWE after a stunt (booked by the same guy) killed her husband? All wrestling is one giant stunt, really. How about Edge? You honestly think that guy isn’t deserving of a continued WWE salary? (And you’re out of your minds if you think he isn’t getting one.)
You guys would just be all “nope, fuck that, he’s hurt, he’s on his own. Let’s dust our hands off and move on.” Is that seriously what you and your kind are saying here? Do you honestly think that’s right?
All I know is that Angelina Love deserves an Emmy for her performance in this storyline with Winter! Hey, that’s not just my opinion – 1.3 million people who all watched Impact think the SAME WAY. Fact – those numbers don’t lie!
Oh, right. Silly me, I forgot you’re a robot. Let’s hear what The BEST F#%&ING TNA TEAM EVER’s Senior Legal Correspondant, WaterDrip (who is ACTUALLY well versed in legal matters) has to say.
WaterDrip: While Gary is right that independent contractors aren’t going to get the same benefits that unionized workers have in America, I think his other points are a bit tenuous. Now, I don’t practice in workers compensation or employment areas of law, so, the caveat to this is I’m applying general criminal law principles to this area of law. Not to mention handled way too quickly and without enough facts.
In terms of knowing the risks involved, sure, she knew the risks involved, but, from what I’ve read about her complaint, it certainly seems like they are alleging that she was manipulated into how she handled those risks. Specifically, the article states that she was fearful of one of those risks and told she would be taken care of…and then, arguably, she wasn’t taken care of. So, depending on what comes out about what the parties thought that would entail there’s certainly a wide range of possibilities. Describing it simply as her knowing the risks isn’t accurate as it goes further than that.
The line about claiming injuries when she wrestled and still was able to wrestle is off as well. Working through pain doesn’t mean that the injuries don’t exist.
All right! Thanks, Drippy. I think that covers that. Sorry for the long intro this week. Had a lot to cover. Before we watch some “wrestling”  though, I want to mention again that I stay spoiler-free when it comes to watching Impact. I can’t say the same for some of the BEST F#%&ING TNA TEAM EVER though, and Swayze was taunting me a couple days ago with the idea that something REALLY bad happens tonight…
* Giggle. *
… but I don’t know what it is. He even says it’s worse than what happens on SmackDown tomorrow, and I DO know what THAT is (I don’t have the same reservations about spoiling a show I don’t watch.) and I can’t imagine what TNA has tonight being worse. He’s scared me, even moreso than usual. What could it be? As Fuj says, only time will tell.Â
By the way, it bears mentioning… for any WWE fans right now – you have my sympathy after Monday, and before SmackDown tomorrow. TNA might be downright “differently abled” when it comes to structuring a wrestling show and a talent roster, but WWE seems to be outright upset with you people right now. What did you DO to them?
All right, let’s watch some wrestling.
* Giggle. *
“The Network Is Coming”
So we start the show with the usual recap. These recaps are actually getting of better and better quality, even if the storylines are not. The show starts with Bully Ray dressed like Stone Cold in the ring with Immortal, and Rob Van Dam and Sting coming to the ring. Security stops them. Hogan grabs a mic, and says that Van Dam and Sting are afraid to get in the ring. Hogan tells Sting that if a Network Rep is gonna come on his show, he wants to know about it, or Immortal will wipe the floor with them. Sting says he doesn’t have to speak for The Network, because SHE will be here next week to talk to Hogan herself.
Hulk Hogan deals with this frustration the only way he knows how – by beating up D’Lo brown and the agents. Sting and Van Dam rush the ring. Fortune (with Daniels – is he an official part of the group yet or what?) is out right away, with no delay for once, to chase Immortal off. Roode has a mic and is yelling at Hogan and calling him a coward. Roode says he has had it with Hogan, and that he and Fortune built the company from the ground up, and that Bischoff and Hogan have been profiting from it over the last 18 months. Then he says Hogan was his childhood hero, and inspired him to become a wrestler, but that they’re totally different, because Roode has pride and Hogan doesn’t. Roode says that he and Fortune bust their ass for everyone that is associated with TNA, and that he earns every penny he’s got. Roode says he’s a blue-collar worker, and that he and America know what it’s like to earn a paycheck. Roode asks Hogan what he’s ever earned, and accuses him of rapeing and stealing from TNA. Crowd is not really all that into this. I think they would be if it were AJ or Daniels doing it, but I don’t know that for sure.
Roode says that last week, Hogan fired his friend, Jay Lethal. WOW. He says that Lethal was proud of his work, and that he loved wrestling and TNA, and did everything he was ever asked to do. Hogan says that Roode is next. This is quite surprising, and solidly delivered from Roode. Roode says that he is BOBBY Roode, and that he is the one who is going to stand up to Hogan. Roode says that next week, things are going to change. Music cuts him off.
Jarrett and Karen are all dressed up and pounding on a door while yelling. Velvet Sky, who currently has her implants in more storylines than I can count, opens the door in a towel. Karen says that she knows that it’s her who Kurt hired to take her out. Karen says that “Big Daddy” Jarrett won’t let that happen. Velvet is taunting her. Karen says that she has an offer that Velvet can’t refuse. They walk away. Velvet is still taunting her.
Next up, apparently Sin Cara has jumped ship to TNA and is ready for his debut match next. My mistake, Mike Tenay says it’s a Mexican wrestler who’s name I couldn’t make out, and that his debut match is next against Suicide. It’s a good thing they announced this so far ahead of time, so we, the audience, wouldn’t be confused.
Commercial.
Backstage, Matt Hardy is talking about Bobby Roode and says that Roode is in a tag-team. Matt explains that he also used to be in a tag-team. Another fantastic promo from Matt Hardy. Then he says that he is going to call someone special to team with him to take on Beer Money for the TNA Tag-Team Titles at Sacrifice. Then he thretens Roode and says he should have kept his mouth shut. What do we think, Shane Helms? That would be right up there with other recent TNA roster additions.
Sangriento .vs. Suicide
What a surprise, Sangriento has stereotypical Mexican entrance music. Mike Tenay says that this is the hottest commodity on the Mexican Independant scene. They shake hands. Headlock by Sangriento, shoulderblock by Suicide. Suicide cartwheels over Sang and eats a chop. Sang with a dropkick. Sangriento slides out of the ring and gives Suicide a hurricanrana. Sang to the apron, but Suicide sweeps the legs and Sang hits the apron. Suicide goes for a pin for some reason, gets a 2 count. Suicide tosses him into the buckle and gives him the weakest clotheslines ever. Another 2 count. This Sangriento guy sucks. Sang slides through Suicide’s legs and hits a dropkick. Suicide ducks a splash and gives him a nice dropkick of his own. 2 count.
Suicide with a Scorpion Death Drop for another 2. Sang ducks a clothesline, goes to the second rope and hits a dropkick to the back of the head. 2 count. Then he goes to the second rope again and hits a hurricanrana. Kick by Sang, and another. Suicide with a kick and slams him into the second rope. Suicide motions for his finish, but Sang reverses and hits ANOTHER hurricanrana, and hits a spin kick, before springing off the rope into a Diamond-Cutter of sorts. Pin.
Winner: Sangriento
Match was okay. I guess. By Impact standards. I dunno, Sangria seems awfully slow. His finisher was okay, and his dropkick to the back of the head was cool.
Backstage, Hogan says he is gonna beat up everyone on the roster. Bischoff thinks the rat may be Flair. Hogan says Flair doesn’t operate this way, because… get this… Flair… is dirtier than this. Hey assholes writing dialogue for this show: if Flair is DIRTIER than that, that means it VERY LIKELY COULD be him, just him being LESS DIRTY than he is CAPABLE of being. It would be insulting to amateur film-makers to call this dialogue amateur. Bischoff doesn’t think it’s Flair now either. But now Hogan thinks it could be Flair. Hogan says he wants to run down the entire roster until they find out who it is. Isn’t that exactly what they’ve been doing?
This entire show is Mexican now. Now Mexican America is in the ring. They look like they stopped by the gift shop of an all-expense-paid resort before hitting the ring. They have mini-Mexican flags. Hernandez has a woman’s sombrero attached to him. Because this is how hardcore militant gangs roll. Confetti hits the ring (another gang staple.) Then the flag hits, and Hernandez asks everyone to salute. The idiot who crippled Sabin last week yells in Spanish. They are celebrating Cinco De Mayo. Sarita introduces the Spanish announce team. They have a half-full bottle of tequila at the announce table. The announcers are hitting the ring now. Anarquia puts on a vacation hat as well, and continues to yell. He announces Hector Guererro and Hector’s announce partner. He then yells at Hector very happily, but yells at Hector’s partner very unhappily.
… I think. I don’t speak Spanish.
Then Anarchia kicks Hector’s partners ass for being Puero Rican or something. I don’t know. Hector tries to help him, and Hernandez calls him a sellout. Anarquia says they both are going to have an “American Burial”, and because Anarchia crippled Sabin, the Motor City Machineguns do not come out to help him. But Ink Inc. does come out to help. Even though Shannon Moore is supposed to be a prick now. Fuck details.
Jesse Neal has a mic. He says they can’t disrespect their country or their flag. He says that he and Shannon are going to fight for America. He tells them to get green cards. Shannon Moore holds up an American Flag. These two should not be allowed to cut any kind of promo for any reason ever.
AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels .vs. Bully Ray & Gunner
Great reaction for AJ and Daniels. Daniels and Ray to start. Ray is yelling at AJ. Daniels tags AJ, and Ray tags Gunner. AJ goes for Ray, and Gunner takes advantage with… punches. AJ ends that nonsense with a dropkick. Tag to Daniels, who hits Gunner with a dropkick to the knee and a falling clothesline to the back of the head. 1 count. Tag back to AJ, who gives Gunner an elbow and tags back to Daniels. He tosses Gunner into the boot of Daniels before he and AJ hit the high / low. Ray cheapshots Daniels from behind, and Gunner hits a clothesline. He gets two.
Tag to Ray, who takes over on Daniels. Kicks by gunner… bodyslam… fist drop. 2 count. Gunner fucking sucks. Daniels powers out of an impressive chinlock, ducks a couple elbows, and hits a flying forearm. Daniels tags AJ, who hits GUnner with 2 clotheslines and a springboard elbow. AJ hits a Pele. Crowd is going nuts. AJ goes for another springboard off Bully Ray’s side of the apron, which is just a bad idea, and naturally Ray trips him. Daniels runs in and eats a clothesline from Daniels as well.
Ray grabs the steel chain, but Tommy Dreamer hits the ring. Dreamer teases hitting Ray, then gives AJ a piledriver. Interesting. I did not see that coming. Ref rings the bell.
Winners By DQ: AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels
Dreamer looks upset. Ray tells him “good choice”. Fans chant that he sucks. Ray tells the camera that he is going to bust AJ’s ass. Commercial.
Backstage, Tommy Dreamer is destroying equipment. Someone is trying to interview Tommy. He is too busy screaming and punching stuff. Elsewhere, AJ Styles needs ice for his fingers or something. Fortune are trying to figure out why Dreamer did what he did. They are wondering if it has something to do with EV2.0. AJ says that they’re going to get answers, or Dreamer is taking a beating. Elsewhere yet again, Hardy is getting off the phone and Ray asks how “he” is and to tell “him” that Ray says hi. Ray explains to Matt that Tommy is doing the right thing to keep himself in TNA. Ray says he is going to enjoy toying with Tommy’s head.
Jeff Jarrett, Karen Angle, and Velvet Sky are heading for the ring. Also, they are still filming Winter giving Angelina pills. She says that Angelina won’t need them anymore soon, but not just yet, but that their souls were connected since long ago. She says she travelled through time to be here with her? I was just kidding about the time travel last week!!! It was a joke, not a suggestion!!! I swear!!! Commercial.
Karen and Jeff Jarrett head for the ring. Karen yells for the TNA “Women’s Champion” to come to the ring. Even though she actually means Velvet Sky, who is not the TNA Women’s Champion, which is actually called the TNA Knockouts Championship. I fucking LOVE this company.
Velvet comes down. Karen starts to yell at Velvet. The crowd chants “sloppy seconds” and Velvet encourages them. Karen still thinks that it’s Velvet Sky working with Kurt Angle. Her logic is solid too, she came to this conclusion because Velvet Sky has never been TNA Knockouts Champion. So she started fucking Kurt Angle instead. Make sense to you? Awesome. Velvet doesn’t know what Karen is talking about. I’m actually starting to like Velvet Sky. I don’t know why. I’ll give it some thought. Anyway, they swear at each other for a while, and Velvet says that her and Kurt are friends, and that sleeping with someone to get ahead is not her style like it is Karen’s. Velvet said she has no problem waiting her turn for a Knockouts Title shot.
Velvet says that now that her and Angelina are on the outs, that she is going to go for the TNA Knockouts Championship. She tries to leave. Now they are yelling at each other about lap dances. Now Karen and Jarrett are making a handicap match with her against Angelina and Winter. This is the second week that Karen and Jarrett have come into this hypnosis rape storyline. Karen tells Winter to take Velvet out.
Fans of TNA are retarded people who should be ashamed of themselves.
Kurt Angle’s music hits. Velvet is happy to see him. Karen is screaming at him. Jeff bails, and Kurt says he comes in peace. Kurt says he promised the network that he wouldn’t do anything that he’d regret before the main event tonight. He says the rep, who is the same rep who will be here next week, has trumped Hogan and Bischoff. Kurt tells Karen that she’ll still get her handicap match, but that it will be a mixed tag match with Kurt in Velvet’s corner and Jarrett will be in Angelina and Winter’s corner. Velvet then invites Karen to join Jarrett at ringside for the main event, and that after Velvet is done with Winter and Angelina, she’s coming for Karen. People go nuts. People fucking LOVE Velvet right now. Maybe just because she always gets beaten up and cheated, or maybe just because she wants to kick Karen’s ass. Then Velvet tries to kick Jarrett, and he bails too. Then Velvet says she is going to spank Karen and calls her a bitch. Kurt gives her a hug.
In the back, Bischoff wonders about Kurt Angle calling The Network. He runs into Rob Terry and Murphy. These fucking guys. They ask him if they can help. Bischoff doesn’t want help. He’s making them fight each other. Whoever loses is out of Immortal. Do you think that if I went through the phone book, that I could find ANYONE in the world who would care about that match? Commercial.
Backstage, Crimson is searching for Joe. He has a sledgehammer. He’s SO UNIQUE AND SCREAMS GOLDBERG!
Murphy .vs. Rob Terry
I don’t recap Rob Terry matches.
Winner: Rob Terry
Anyone who has ONE positive thing to say about this match, their opinion is no longer valid. Fuck you TNA. Who the fuck is Murphy?!?
Backstage, Bischoff is saying that maybe the rat is someone they least expect… like Donald Trump. Yes, he said Donald Trump. Hogan considers this extra carefully while we go to commercial.
Backstage, Crimson is still searching for Joe, because his planned program with Abyss can’t go forward because RVD kicked his jaw in to the point of collapse. Crimson finds Joe. He thanks Joe for the assist. Crimson says that the next time he sees Joe getting his ass kicked, he won’t help Joe. Joe says that’s retarded and he doesn’t need Crimson’s help. Crimson tells Joe to stay out of his way. Isn’t that exactly what Joe was doing?
TNA Knockouts Championship Match
Mickie James .vs. Miss Tessmacher
Tenay tries to make the Miss Tessmacher storyline make sense while she does a softcore strip tease for guys whose Mom’s won’t let them get porn. It doesn’t work. Miss Tessmacher tries to make the ref stare at her ass. People chant for Mickie. Tessmacher actually does some flipping around the mat and shoulderblocks Mickie. Headlock by Mickie, who then returns the shoulderblock, does a cartwheel and a bad dropkick. Tessmacher trips her and tries a quick pin but doesn’t even get one. So Mickie trips her and gets 2. Punch by Tess… many punches, followed by many punches by Mickie. Then an add exchange happens – Tessmacher is trying to physically demand that she ride Mickie around like a pony. Mickie doesn’t like that idea. So she just drops the bitch. A second later, Tess is still in control, kneeing Mickie and giving her a wristlock. I don’t know.
Mickie powers back up and hits a neckbreaker. Mickie with a kick and a swinging DDT. Pin.
Winner & Still TNA Knockouts Champion: Mickie James
Miss Tessmacher is on the cusp of being a top tier Knockout in TNA and carried that match without having to perform any moves! She should form a stable with Matt Morgan, Crimson and Gunner as the “Future DNA Of TNA” stable. This is what the people want. This is what people are not getting from WWE right now. Join the movement! ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US.
Wow that was painful to watch.
Madison Rayne and Tara come out. Madison wants another match, since the last one was 20 seconds long. Mickie says that she had to put her hair on the line to get her rematch, and asks what Madison is going to give up. Madison says she’ll give up anything, and Mickie says that she’s going to put up the contract between Madison and Tara, and Tara will be free if Mickie wins. Tara seems to like this. Madison screams IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TARA?!?! FINE!!! And then she leaves. Tara and Mickie smile at each other. Tara thanks Mickie. Tara was driving the motorcycle that ran Mickie down less than a month ago. But I guess no harm done, since Mickie didn’t sell the injury anyway. Awesome.
Now Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, and two guys I don’t recognize are walking in the back. Kendrick is saying they’re too talented for this, and the best wrestlers they have. Then he says that what happened to Jay Lethal is not going to happen to them. I really like how Jay Lethal getting real-life fired has become like a focal point of conflict for this show. Because having the SPALDINGS to do a SHOOT is still TOTALLY relevant and everything. Fucking hilarious. Commercial.
The new TNA job squad approaches Bischoff as he’s trying to get a drink. Spanky says they’re the most talented guys on the roster. He asks Bischoff about Jay Lethal. He says they’re tired of this, and want to be in some matches. I guess Red didn’t have the heart to tell Kendrick that it was him dressed up as Sangriento earlier. Bischoff says he’s tired of this too. Bischoff tells them to come back when they grow a foot, and to go somewhere else if they don’t like how they’re treated. Then he literally throws coffee at Kendrick. THAT’S NOT ON MY FORMAT SHEET!!!!!!!!!! THEY’RE SHOOTING!!!!!!!!!!
Bischoff’s new beer company better take off.
Oh man, Eric Bischoff’s beer is going to REVOLUTIONIZE the Beer business just like TNA is revolutionizing the wrestling business! I think he should call it “CONTROVERSY” Beer, because Bischoff knows CONTROVERSY CREATES CASH! This creates excellent exposure for TNA. How? WWE DOESNT EVEN HAVE TAG TEAMS ANYMORE!
The only people who will drink that beer are people who visit Bischoff’s house and are forced to drink that beer.
Main Event (Yes, the main event.)
Jeff Jarrett, Winter & Angelina Love .vs. Kurt Angle & Velvet Sky
Typing that in as the main event, it really starts to sink in that this is actually happening on my TV screen right now. The super serious Angle / Jarrett shoot angle that can’t make up it’s behind whether it wants to be a comedy, a tragedy or a shoot, has been paired with the girls hypnosis HLA rape angle. And that pairing of storylines is now the main event of Impact. That is something I would make a joke about happening, not something that I thought would ACTUALLY happen.
Dude, Karen has been featured on this show for AT LEAST an hour.
So Angelina is still comatose. Karen is distracting Velvet, so Winter starts kicking her ass. Karen is yelling already. Velvet hits a monkey flip and a knee to the face, followed by a clothesline. Crowd is into it. Winter tosses her into the ropes, and tags Angelina. Angelina comes in, and still doesn’t feel any pain when Velvet tries moves. Until Velvet hits an aerial move. Apparently those do actually hurt. Karen distracts Velvet, and takes a swing at her. Velvet screams “YOU ARE DEAD!!!” and Winter kicks her out of the ring. Karen picks her up by the hair. Commercial.
Velvet gets double-suplex by Winter & Angelina. Eventually Velvet powers back, and manages a tag to Kurt. Jarrett comes in, and Angle starts ruining his shit with clotheslines and irish whips. He then eats a belly-to-belly for 2. He goes for an Angle Slam, but Jarrett reverses and hits a DDT for 2. Kurt rolls out of a move attempt by Jarrett and hits the Anke Lock. Jarrett reaches for Karen, and drags her into the ring screaming. Kurt yells at her to get out. Velvet tags herself in, solid thinking on her part, and stalks Karen around the ring. Winter & Angelina from behind take Velvet down. Kurt is forced to get out of the ring.
They kick her ass for a bit, then Velvet hits a double-DDT on them, and pins Angelina.
Winners: Kurt Angle & Velvet Sky
The crowd actually popped a bit for Velvet’s win, which I thought was a pleasant surprise. Not enough to save the match or either storyline, but a nice surprise. Kurt gets a mic, and congratulates Velvet and says he hopes she gets her TNA Knockouts Title shot. They hug. Aww, how sweet. Kurt then tells Karen that Velvet was not the “Chosen One”, but that the “Chosen One” is gonna take out Karen, so he can take care of Jarrett.
Swayze says that whoever that is was supposed to be the “surprise” that he told me about. I guess it’s not this week. So I gotta try to stay spoiler-free for ANOTHER WEEK?!?!
Backstage, Hogan and Bischoff are walking. They are still talking about Flair being the rat. Then they bring up VINCE RUSSO’s name. Oh, fuck ME. Bischoff says that Russo is still hiding under a rock, shedding skin, so that it can’t be him.
Hogan walks up to his car. “You’re Next” is spraypainted on the car, and Hogan wonders if it’s GOLDBERG. Oh, FUCK ME. They drive off, and the TNA Job Squad are laughing, I guess the assumption being that they are the ones that spray-painted the car.
Goldberg wouldnt fucking spit on TNA, much less show up there.
For me and the team, thanks for reading, have a good weekend, and don’t forget www.Twitter.com/BlairADouglas. This has been “That Being Said”.
