Inside Pulse 12

The Martyrshow: On The WWE Divas Division (Kelly Kelly, AJ Lee, Beth Phoenix, Eve, Kharma)

About three weeks ago I wrote a little “New Year’s resolutions” type post on my own site and I happened to include a line about not writing for Inside Pulse because “…assuming they’d take me on to begin with, I’d run out of things to say after about 3 weeks”. You’re reading this, so obviously Pulse have taken me on-board and may or may not have welcomed me with open arms. As far as running out of ideas goes: I’m writing this at 6am on a Sunday morning and my article for week 1 has yet to go live…

Last time I talked about how booking has benefited Cody Rhodes, so today I’m going to flip the concept around and show what the writing/booking team have contributed to the “Divas”.

I need to point out that searching for the “Divas” section on wwe.com landed me on a non-existent page (a mistake they seem to have fixed the day before this article is due to be published). Keep that in mind as you read the next 700+ words…

AJ LEE

  • Heel (kinda) due to her relationship with Daniel Bryan
  • NXT Contestant
  • Likes videogames

That’s all I know about her from watching the show. She hasn’t been wrestling recently and I have no fucking idea about her finisher or how good her in-ring work is.

AKSANA

  • Possibly shagging Teddy Long

Hold on (playa!), just take a second and imagine a Teddy Long sex tape. Do you remember hearing about Man Mountain Rock’s video of some WWF overseas tour back in the 90’s, the one that apparently features things like Mene Gene smoking what appears to be crack? Lets say one of the mid-carders decided to do the same thing today and caught Teddy and Aksana going at it. Just take a deep breath, visualise it, do what you have to do…

  • Formerly invisible to everyone apart from Teddy Long
  • Hails from some vague Eastern European country
  • May or may not have been involved with the KGB/FSB (it would explain the whole invisibility thing)

They need to bring Nikolai Volkoff in as her trainer. Maybe they could explain that she was seducing Teddy in order to help Nikolai take control of the Smackdown brand and start a new Soviet army with 6ft tall oily guys who like to wear speedos. I understand it can be quite chilly in mother Russia, but Kane could do the arm waving thing and they’d have fire in no time.

ALICIA FOX

  • Face
  • Almost killed Beth with a horrible Somersault Leg Drop
  • Had Match of the Year (all years!) against Melina

I only know she’s a face because they had her team with Kelly Kelly at Royal Rumble. I think she’s been giving The Miz tips on how to look after opponents.

BETH PHOENIX

  • Heel
  • Friends with Natalya
  • Can beat the living shit out of you
  • Inherited Kharma’s gimmick and destroyed almost everyone on her way to becoming Champion
  • Has never been taught how to get out of a Schoolboy or Victory Roll

Beth may be the most developed character on the “Divas” roster.

BRIE BELLA

  • Heel, I think (she’s been teaming with Beth and Nattie for the past few weeks)
  • Has a sister

See: NIKKI BELLA

EVE

  • On the verge of a heel turn
  • Previously shagging Zack Ryder
  • Possibly shagging John Cena
  • Shakes her arse to let you know when a botch is about to happen

If you look back to the “attitude era” (incoming “Attitude era rules and everything should change to be just like it!!!!1one” style paragraph), you had Goldust with Luna, Chyna with DX (and Eddie), Sable or Jacqueline with Marc Mero, Terri with just about every mid-carder, Lita with Essa Rios (and The Hardys), Trish with Test and Albert, Molly with Crash and Bob Holly… Having the “divas” hang out with guys is an easy way to develop their character and Eve seems to be the only one with a legit alliance right now.

KAITLYN

  • ?

Aksana must’ve taught her the secrets of invisibility.

KELLY KELLY

  • Face
  • Had some deal with Maxim that the WWE decided was worth dedicating 10mins of the show to.
  • Fears the ropes

How can anyone actively “compete” in the WWE for 4 years and fail to pick up a single piece of wrestling knowledge? Wikipedia’s Kelly Kelly article (which happens to be a fucking hilarious read) lists the Victory Roll as her finisher.

LAYLA

  • Hasn’t been on TV for about a year due to injuries.

Next…

LILLIAN GARCIA

  • Ring Announcer

It’s almost like WWE are trying to reach a quota with this web page.

NATALYA

  • Heel
  • Friends with Beth
  • Can beat the living shit out of you
  • Farts

This farting gimmick could kill her career. Did she refuse to blow Laurinaitis or something?

NIKKI BELLA

  • Heel (I think)
  • Has a sister

I might be alone here, but I thought the whole “we swap when the ref isn’t looking” thing was a great tactic. It’s not very often you have a team of twins working together and they should really utilise it more than just having Lawler say “Oh my, TWINS!” during their entrance.

ROSA MENDES

  • Heel
  • Valet of Primo and Epico

Not going to lie here, I had to use google to find this out. It’s bad enough having to watch Raw and Smackdown; does anyone go out of their way to watch SUPERSTARS these days?

TAMINA

  • Face
  • Daughter of Superfly
  • Knows one move
  • Botches said move

I was all set to write about how Kharma would destroy a good 85% of the WWE locker-room, but they don’t even include her on their own list of “Divas”. I can understand them not including Vickie, but Kharma? No facepalm picture in existence can portray my thoughts on that level of stupidity.

“Why should I care about any of this?”

TNA’s “Knockouts” segments are the highest rated thing on Impact and they almost consistently prove that televised, uh, wimmin’s wrestling doesn’t have to be shite. The majority of the “Divas” need proper training (they aren’t learning anything during matches that last 120 seconds and feature eight competitors) and a lot of character development, but it would be worth it for all parties involved.

 

Think I’m a genius? Say so in the comments.

Think I’m certifiable? Let me know before the van with square wheels comes to pick me up.

 

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