Falls Count Anywhere: Why Does the WWE Hate Us?

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This is not going to be a complete recap of the Royal Rumble. I am sure that by now, all of you are familiar with what transpired on “the day wrestling died”. I am going to share with you how I reacted to what transpired as I watched the WWE self destruct before my eyes. I watched the PPV with some people, as I always do, so some of these thoughts were articulated(sometimes very loudly and with just the right amount of profanity), while some I will be sharing with you for the first time. I am thinking of it as therapy.

So, the Ascension wins, as they should, in a very short, boring squash match. Not the greatest start to a PPV, but pretty much what we all expected from this match. If there is any hope for the Ascension going forward, this was at least a step up from local jobbers and being decimated by a bunch of used up old “legends”.

The Usos beat the Miz and Mizdow in what could have been a taped match from any of the previous month’s episodes of Raw or Smackdown. The stunt double gimmick is great, and Mizdow works the angle like a champ, but haven’t we seen this exact same match half a dozen times now? At some point, there has to be a payoff to this angle, doesn’t there? Even watching Mizdow take phantom bumps is beginning to get stale, and I thought that would never get old. Moving on…

For the sake of being thorough, I will at least mention the Total Divas! match. What a waste of time. As far as I am concerned, the only reason to watch this match was to see Paige work. So naturally, Paige doesn’t even get the hot tag before Natalya gets KO’d by a forearm. My brother wanted to know when Nikki got Lex Luger’s titanium plate implanted in her forearm. I responded with a muffled chuckle(while quietly weeping and questioning my life’s decisions…on the inside). That was 10 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Triple threat time and the anticipation is growing in my little group. What a match this could be! Brock is a machine. That guy makes me believe that he could destroy anyone the WWE puts in front of him. His physical presence alone is awe inspiring. And he is in the best shape he has been in since his UFC days. Seth Rollins is a must see in any situation. I could watch him fight the not so Great Khali and be entertained. And for all of his flaws, Cena’s raw power is enough to keep his part of this story relevant. For me, for the first time in months, a WWE match was everything I could have hoped for, and more. Every near fall had me on the edge of my seat. Every devastating suplex from Brock got an audible reaction from at least one of us. Cena’s 3  straight FU’s made me believe that Brock getting pinned was at least possible. Rollin’s elbow drop was a thing of beauty, and contextually perfect for that match. It would take something like that to keep Brock down for a little bit. The Rollins/Cena back and forth that followed was as good as anything involving Cena can be. Then Rollins hits his 450 with a twist on Cena and we all thought it was over. Then Holy $hit Brock is back! He cleans house for the win and we are all pumped up! Little did we know, this would be the last good feeling of the night.

I don’t know if I was the first one to think it, but I was the first one to say it. “Well, I guess Roman is winning the Rumble now?” We spend the rest of the night trying to come up with creative, yet plausible ways to keep Reigns from winning the Rumble and challenging Brock for the title at ‘Mania. Maybe Daniel Bryan can win this thing after all. An now for the Rumble. Buh Buh was a nice surprise, until we realized that tonight, the part of Devon Dudley will be played by R-Truth. We were chanting along with the ECW faithful in Philly for Devon right until Buh Buh’s feet hit the floor. I guess the Boogyman took this gig for less $$ than what Devon wanted. Anyway, I thought for a second that the Wyatt Family was getting back together in an attempt to save the dead-in-the-water careers of Rowan and Harper. Needless to say, that thought vanished very quickly. Now, Here comes Bryan! Now it will get interesting. And there goes Bryan! Wait, what just happened? Is that it for DB? Really? WWE rushes him back from his injury in time for the Rumble and all he gets is 10 minutes and a generic elimination? They used their most over wrestler to pop the PPV buy rate, that’s it!!! I would say unbelievable, but, sadly, I believe it. At this point, my group is shitting on every entry as much as the Philly faithful. In between bitching and moaning, we are talking about who else has a shot. Could Bray go all the way and be set up for a mega push? Could Ziggler or Ambrose score the upset? But there is no conviction behind our words. We know what is coming. By the time Reigns’ music hits we are a mixture of pissed, dejected, and resigned to the fact that the WWE doesn’t care what we think. Once down to the final six we are all openly rooting for anyone but Reigns to pull this out. There goes Ziggler. So much for the upset, thanks for playing. Next it’s Wyatt. A great showing for a guy who never really had a shot to win. And then it’s Dean’s turn to get dumped. There is no saving this PPV now. Reigns cleans house for the win amidst a chorus of boos from the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home. Big Slow and Citizen Kane are back for the Corporate beat down. Good, screw Reigns and screw this PPV. Then the Rock’s music hits and we all mark out…for about 10 seconds. Rock and Reigns clear the ring, Reigns is left to celebrate and pose and point at a sign, blah blah blah. Then, out of nowhere Rusev slides back into the ring. We all forgot about him! Congratulations WWE, you have succeeded in getting us all to pull for the anti-American communist. Lets go Rusev! clap clap clapclapclap!  Lets go Rusev! clap clap clapclapclap! But alas, Rusev is dispatched by our new Superhero in no time flat.

And that is it. WWE has once again succeeded in giving the fans exactly what they don’t want. Any chance of turning Reigns into the face of the company are gone for the foreseeable future. Memo to Vince, when the Rock is getting booed out of the building just for raising Roman’s hand, you have made a terrible mistake. Maybe Rollins can cash in and save this ‘Mania main event from a fan mutiny, but I am not holding my breath. Vince has completely lost touch with his core audience. He is so focused on the casual fan, he is losing the audience that really matters, wrestling fans.