Wrestling Opinions From A Sleazy Guy 02/24/2015 (Vince McMahon, Raw Thoughts)

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I’m writing this high as a fucking kite off some good grass, on 200 mgs of Zoloft, and I feel like some of that acid I had about a month ago is kicking back in…. and I’ve been hungover for the last three days straight. I think influenced by drugs is the only way to get through Raw these days so let’s get to it!

Random Media I’ve Consumed
I have been getting SO into Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Xander admitted he was into Buffy and everything, but she didn’t go for it because she only likes dead, boring guys who like to sulk a lot. And in the next episode she teased him like a mofo, doing a sexy assed strip dance and everything. I feel like I can connect with Xander because I AM XANDER!!! Could never got the super hot bitches… can’t get any bitches at all actually… Jesus, I need a gun for days like this…

I’ve been watching a lot of 1998 wrestling, and the funny thing about the 98’ stuff is that coincides with today’s dates, Raw was on 2/23/1998, and it had the same date today. So that’s pretty cool, but the main thing that shocks me about watching the WWF, and WCW of 1998 is how much more I’m digging WCW than WWF. Raw is fun and trashy, and so goddamn hardcore… but the wrestling is usually lacking, and they have more of a focus on ridiculous stunts, or style… whereas WCW actually had good ass wrestling, and didn’t draw out the characters interacting with each other. Seriously, on Raw Austin is feuding with Michaels, and they’ve only interacted next to each other ONCE in the entire feud.

WCW on the other hand has some great midcard stuff, and generally have people who have more of a free reign, and had way better actual wrestlers. Also, Chris Jericho in 1998 IS THE FUCKING SHIT!!!! But really, WCW would give two good wrestlers like twenty minutes, which leads to suprisgnly great matches between guys like La Parka and Disco Inferno.

As far as the news the only interesting thing to come out of it this week was the Punk/Doctor lawsuit going on. I’m not sure who’s lying, but Punk’s just so specific in his description, and the Doctor waited a WHILE to respond, and pretty much just coming out doing exactly what a lawyer would tell him to do… deny everything. So I’m going to guess Punk’s telling the truth on this one, but it’s a bit hard for me to look at this clearly as I’m a huge Punk mark. I’m actually wearing a CM Punk shirt I picked up at Wrestlemania 28, when I went there live (literally went there just to see Punk/Jericho, AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!) … so I could be completely wrong, and Punk could just be making false allegations.

Raw Thoughts

So I’m starting off watching this at 9:00 because I was busy getting drugs and living the Bug Life, nigga! So Daniel Bryan is cutting this really intense promo, but all it leads to is Bryan verbally blowing Roman Reigns, and saying he deserves to main event Wrestlemania because he beat him. God, I feel so bad for Bryan… not being able to get to actually do anything important at Mania other than fuck around with Sheamus… and now HE HAS TO TELL THE HIS FANS TO LIKE ROMAN REIGNS!!!??? I’m a big Mad Men fan, and I can just imagine a bunch of ad execs sitting around trying to figure out how to get Roman Reigns over. Don Draper finally has the perfect idea after listening to a bunch of idiots… and Pete, when he gets the idea to have Paul Heyman AND Daniel Bryan come out to talk about how great Roman Reigns is.

Heyman especially goes overboard with this… and all the goodwill that Bryan may have given to Reigns is totally deflated when Heyman says that Reigns could beat Steve Austin in 98, Andre The Giant AND Hulk Hogan in the 80s, AND TRIPLE H IN 2000S!!!! But he can’t beat Brock Lesnar? Bro, didn’t Trips beat Lesnar like two years ago?

Reigns doesn’t help being completely awkward on the mic, and saying that he’s going to beat Lesnar really badly… “because he won’t like him anyway.” What????

Tyson Kidd and Cesaro © vs The Uso’s for the Tag Team Titles: I was busy getting higher for most of the match, however I do want to comment on Kidd and Cesaro. They are a really great tag team, mesh really well, and have such different styles… yet they still complement each other. They could definitely end up being THE tag team of 2015-16, kind of how we look at MNM as THE tag team of 2005-06 (DX was bigger of course, but MNM were more of a traditional version of the tag team, rather than two big wrestlers teaming up). The only thing that bothers me about the tag team is that both personalities are so ridiculous, and self centered that I can’t imagine WWE keeping them as a tag team… considering they LOVE that tag team breaking up angle.

As for the Uso’s… well I just think they’re damn boring. They have solid matches, but they don’t have a very distinctive style, and they have no personality. Nothing about them interests me… at least Reigns promos are so ridiculous, and cartooney they’re fun… but the Uso’s are just damn boring… and they can’t get away with not having personality like say, Benoit could because their styles aren’t interesting enough to carry them just on that.

Vince McMahon is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness… it’s so obvious that he’s on roids. Vince looks like a goddamn 60s businessman on coke, and ridiculously inflated.

Bray Wyatt’s Date With Katie Vick: Well that was fucking retarded… it’s hard to think that Wyatt’s a huge badass when he has all these super expensive cameras recording him talking in a very obvious WWE Stage to an empty casket.

I’m so high that the Flintstones WWE movie actually seems compelling. Bro, that one bitch with the mole HAS THE HUGEST TITS!!!

CodyDust vs Jack Swagger: In 2010 this match could’ve main evented a Smackdown.

Yup, Swagger’s doing the job here.

Rhodes does a great job of basically being an updated, better version of the mid-90s Goldust. Not late 90s Goldust mind you, when he got really fat and teamed up with Luna all the time… eck.

HOLY SHIT SWAGGER ACTUALLY WON THE PATRIOT LOCK!!!! YEAHHH SWAGGER ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING!!!!

Cody throws a freaking fit because the fans are telling him what his name is.

Y’know, beating Cena with a low blow isn’t that bad actually…. Usually you need like three guys running in, and a bunch of weapons. They’re REALLY trying to push Rusev huh? Or maybe they just let Rusev look strong at Fast Lane so they could feed him to Cena at Mania… Y’know if Lesnar actually does leave after WM, they’re never going to be able to finish that Cena/Lesnar story.

I Brush Your Mouth With Colgate: I’m going to transcribe Cena’s promo before it happens. “I lost, I let the fans down. But Rusev cheated. Weather you love me or hate me, I’m here every day. Rusev’s great, yada yada, I want a rematch.”

Rusev and Lana come out to make fun of Cena, and prey on his insecurities. Lana also says that Rusev got a personal message from Vladimir Putin congratulating him. Cena gets pissed because Rusev and Lana for making fun of “Merica, and gets so pissed that he almost explodes cutting a promo on the mic. I kind of like this angle because for once, and this happens very rarely, Cena seems vulnerable. The “Never Give Up” slogan only works when Cena actually loses every once in a while, and has a reason to not give up.

Orton turning on Rollins has to be the most obvious ending to a Raw in a while.

I think WWE is showing what kind of audience they think they have by airing a commercial for County Hard Rock Concert 2015. Toby Keith, Florida Georgia Line? Blehhhhhhhhh.

Sting isn’t actually on Raw again so instead we get a five minute video package. Sting is making so much money, and he’s barely been doing anything. Goddamn, he should’ve went to WWE forever ago…

God, that NWO part of the video sent shivers up my spine. The whole NWO vs Sting angle was so well done… though they ended up dragging it on for wayyyyy too long, and the conclusion at Starrcade and the rematch at Superbrawl both kinda sucked.

Bellas vs Natayla and Paige:

The match was over so fast, I didn’t even have time to get horny…

These last 30 minutes of Raw has been sooooooooo borrrrrrrring. So many fucking commercials…

Axl continues his amazing push by getting buried by Ryback, and not even having his entrance played.

OH BY THE FUCKING WAY, I AM SO SICK OF HEARD BULLSHIT CONSPIRACIES ABOUT THE ILLUMANITI!!!!! IF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT SHIT YOU’RE A DUMB FUCK, AND I HOPE YOUR PARENTS GET CANCER!!!!

Picked this up from an old Hyatte’s Midnight News and thought it was pretty funny. It was from his infamous, Across the Boards deal were he’d go on msg boards, and post the dumbest shit he could find.

“You know how Billy Kidman comes across as a whiny little kid on the mike and most people on this board could probably kick his ass? Well, take away the wrestling ability and that’s X-Pac.”

BWAHAHAHAHA That’s X Pac!!!!

Main Event: Seth Rollins and Orton vs Roman-Danielson:

Seth Rollins is getting so much press from making fun of Jon Stewart.

I feel like if I was at a live WWE Show, I’d cheer for Reigns just because I feel bad for the non-reaction he always gets… especially when you compare it to Bryan’s reaction….

MORE COMMERCIALSSSSSSSSS YEAH BABYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Randy Orton and Reigns get in. Reigns tries to look strong but eats a dropkick from Orton. Roman gets tired of not looking strong and tags in D-Bry.

Daniel Bryan’s furry boots are so fucking stupid looking. Andddd Bryan is playing Ricky Morton so he can tag Reigns later in the match… to make him look strong.

Have I told you people how much I hate those stupid assed, anti-smoking ads?

When we come back Reigns is now playing Morton. Bro, if Roman Reigns can’t even beat Randy Orton and Rollins by himself in 2015, how the fuck was he supposed to beat Hulk Hogan AND Andre The Giant in 1985?

The pace of this match is pretty bad due to time rushes, and commercials. Roman only got beat up for about four minutes before getting the hot tag to Bryan. Bryan’s a house of fire, and does his signature stuff… and then gets in the Cool Crossface but Orton breaks it up. Reigns takes out Orton, and Bryan hits a nice sucidia on Rollins. Daniel goes up for the dropkick, but JJ Security crotch Bryan on the ropes.

… And now Bryan is playing Morton. Okay, that was a pretty good fake out ending.

Daniel gets the hot tag to Reigns, and Reigns beats the fuck out Rollins, and hits a sick Samoan drop. Rollins dodges a Superman Punch and hits the kick to the face thingy. Orton tagged in, and Roman and Orton trade blows.

The Big Show keeps on yelling some dumb… incoherent stuff on the outside. Rollins tags himself in, and Orton gets pissed and consults Big Show, and Kane about it. Reigns hits the Superman Punch, and then Daniel tags himself in… to which Reigns actually smiles about, and Daniel hits the kick.

DANIEL BRYAN AND ROMAN REIGNS ARE BEST FRIENDS GUYS!!!!! DON’T YOU LIKE ROMAN NOW!!!???

I thought the damn lights went out and Sting, or Taker were coming out, but it was not to be as it was just technical difficulties. Orton decides to fuck off Rollins, but just changes his mind and walks down the ramp.

Pretty good main event, and I do kind of like that Bryan/Reigns are buddies, even if it’s really, really lame pandering. Other than that the show was pretty boring, and was FULL of commercials.

‘Till next time…. Just remember, if you’re going to do drugs don’t be a little bitch about it, and when you get high start going off about how you’re going to change your life, and become completely different. I’ve heard enough of that shit from my goofy assed friends. Also, you can do any drugs you want except crack and heroin… and those weird African drugs that eat your skin off. Also Risperdione’s pretty shitty too… I don’t care what Eric S says, I HATED that drug.

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