If WWE Used Every Gimmick To Announce Wrestlers To The Ring
25 Of The Best From The Current Roster
Throughout WWE history, wrestlers have been besieged with a litany of character angles, and the company quietly expect its audience to overlook any past incarnations of our favourite grapplers. However, the most resolute of us are elephants. We never forget. And we’re overweight. WWE’s revisionist attitude is at odds with the long memories of ardent fans. Very rarely reference the Undertaker as the American Bad-Ass, sans hat and eyeliner; never do we hear about Edge in The Brood; seldom is it mentioned how Steve Austin started his WWE career as The Ringmaster. Most of the time, it’s a pragmatic way of moving forward, but I can’t help thinking that it’d be hilarious if the Superstars of today were brought to the ring and announced with every single designation they’ve ever been given, including catchy epithets. Here, I delve in to 25 of the best from the current roster, so picture the scene of Lilian Garcia, or even Howard Finkel, introducing each one of the following with their full and unabridged titles.
Alberto Del Rio
‘The Mexican Aristocrat’,’MexAmerican’ El Patron Alberto Banderas Del Rio Dos Caras Jr
The US Champion has a gloriously Mexican moniker. When put together, this is actually shorter than the average Latin birth name.
Big Show
‘The World’s Largest Athlete’ Paul ‘The Big Nasty Giant Big Show’ Wight
Large. Big. Big. If it didn’t come across before that this guy was massive, it certainly does now. Effective work on whoever came up with this gold.
Bray Wyatt
‘The Eater of Worlds’, ‘The New Face of Fear’, Duke Husky Bray Wyatt Harris Rotunda
Considering the short amount of time the Wyatt Family leader has been around for, he’s acquired quite the collection. His skill on the microphone, his cryptic allegories and supernatural demeanour enable him to keep conjuring new names for himself. Long may it continue.
Brock Lesnar
‘The Next Big Thing’, ‘The Conqueror’, ‘The Beast’ Brock Lesnar
I remember being shocked when I learnt that Brock Lesnar was Brock Lesnar’s given name. He was born into his own gimmick without even realising it.
Cesaro
‘King of Swing’ Antonio Claudio Castagnoli Cesaro, ‘The Swiss Superman’
If you imagine “Swing” to be the capital of Switzerland, then this is like a royal title. His full name is indisputably regal in an imperial, continental European sort of way. I wouldn’t put it past Creative to actually go with that as an angle if he ever won the King of the Ring.
Curtis Axel
Curt Joe Hennig Mr Perfect ‘The Axe’ Axel Michael MgGillicutty Axelmania Jr the Third
This is the name that actually inspired me to write this article. It is the only thing Axel has ever inspired in anyone, ever, but looking at the sheer volume of words in this title is mind-blowing. It highlights the amount of times WWE have tried to repackage the non-perfect Perfect as interesting. It appears they may have finally learnt that throwing glitter at faeces just leaves you messy hands and a lump of faeces.
Damien Sandow
Idol Stevens Damien Machow-Mandow-Mizdow-Sandow
Trying to say the last four surnames in Sandow’s title is a tongue twister and a half. If he was to be introduced by this name forever more, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I must admit, I had entirely forgotten he was Idol Stevens. Which is probably for the best.
Daniel Bryan
‘Yes Man’ Daniel Bryan Danielson, ‘The American Dragon’
It is my duty to mention Daniel Bryan every time I write anything, for fear that not saying his name for a prolonged period of time with make his injuries permanent. Saying it three times before bed will eventually make him reappear.
Dean Ambrose
‘The Lunatic Fringe’ Dean Jon Moxley Ambrose
This could very well be the name of someone currently living in a trailer park. Ambrose will no doubt collect more monikers as his career progresses, but at the moment, in comparison to his colleagues, this is one of the snappiest.
The Diva’s Championship
The NWA WWF WWE World Women’s Diva’s Championship
I had to mention the championship, as there isn’t an active female wrestler who’s been through enough character development to warrant name changes. The ‘Diva’s’ element is the standout piece of bullcrap here, and should immediately be reverted back to ‘Women’s’ for purposes of respect and philogyny.
Dolph Ziggler
‘The Show Off’, Nick ‘Nicky’ Dolph Ziggler Nemeth
Out of all of the names in the entire world, we get Dolph Ziggler. It’s horrible. This is a list containing the name Isaac Yankem, and yet Dolph Ziggler is still worse. I genuinely believe this is why he’s never had a sustained run as the top champ, despite being a great worker, charismatic and super over with the fans. Every time WWE gives him the strap, they finally say out loud “Dolph Ziggler, the WWE World Heavyweight Champion”, realise how stupid it sounds, and immediately demote him to the midcard again.
Fandango
Johnny Fandango Curtis
Poor Johnny Curtis is still owed a title shot. Fandango on the other hand, is a dancer who can’t dance. Sad times.
John Cena
‘Doctor of Thuganomics’, The Prototype John Cena, ‘Face of the WWE’
Xavier Woods may be working on his PhD, but he’s no doctor yet. Cena however, was a doctor way before he became the face that runs the place. Despite being on top of WWE for the past decade, the Cenation leader is relatively devoid of appellations, pointing quite blatantly to the lack of character progression that fans loudly protest.
Kane
‘The Devil’s Favourite Demon’, ‘The Big Red Monster Machine’, Corporate Kane Diesel Isaac Yankem, DDS
This is the only name on the list that includes official post-nominal initials. It may surprise some to know that Kane has a dental degree, likely needed when dining with the devil as he is now want to do. Isaac Yankem is a character from a bygone era of wrestling, sadly which will never really be seen again. “Sadly” may not be the right word.
King Barrett
Bad News King Stu Wade Sanders Bennett Barrett
For a man whose character has essentially remained the same throughout his WWE career, he’s had a baffling amount of name changes. The Bad News King sounds like a hideous villain out of an awesome epic fantasy novel, and yet Barrett has never quite reached the sustained interest of a character from a ‘Lord of The Rings’ or a ‘Wheel Of Time’. Like with ‘A Song Of Ice And Fire’, we’ve been waiting years for the next chapter in his story to really ramp up and take him to the next level.
R-Truth
R-Truth K-Kwik Ron ‘The Truth’ Killings
The beginning sounds like a breakfast cereal, the rest like a serial killer. Thus inventing the new sobriquet, ‘The Serial Cereal’.
Randy Orton
‘The Apex Predator’, ‘The Viper’ Randy Orton ‘The Legend Killer’
Orton bluntly refuses to go by anything other than his given name, which is why it’s always remained the same. He loves a tagline though, and has three of the best.
The Rock
‘The Most Electrifying Man In All of Entertainment’, ‘The Great One’, ‘The Brahma Bull’ Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Rocky Maivia Johnson, ‘The People’s Champion’
Now that’s a mouthful. There’s probably about 90 other nicknames you could add, and if this was an article on his catchphrases as well, then there wouldn’t be enough room on the internet to contain it all.
Roman Reigns
Roman Reigns
There’s nothing here. The lack of an epithet perhaps signals why the WWE Universe is yet to fully get behind the big Samoan. ‘The Big Samoan’. Look, I just created one. Me – 1, Creative – 0.
Rusev
The Bulgarian Brute’, Alexander ‘Super-Athlete’ Rusev, ‘Hero of The Russian Federation’
A man with two different nationalities in his full title. Hilariously, you’d actually have to travel through 3 other countries to reach Russia from Bulgaria, but in WWE’s mythical world of storytelling they’re essentially one and the same.
Ryback
Skip ‘The Big Guy’ Sheffield Ryback
Named after a prawn flavoured tapioca starch snack, an industrial English city known for producing steel, and an entirely made up word. Says it all really.
Seth Rollins
‘The Architect’ Seth Tyler Black Rollins
This actually sounds pretty cool. The injured former champ lends himself to a moniker, and when he returns, fully expect him to garner more in the years to come.
Stardust
The Prince of Dark Matter, ‘Dashing’ Cody Stardust Rhodes
This sounds worryingly like something WWE will eventually use to bring Cody to the ring.
Triple H
The King of Kings, Terra Ryzing Jean-Paul Levesque ‘The Cerebral Assassin’ Hunter Hearst Helmsley, ‘The Game’ Triple H, Executive Vice President of Talent, Live Events & Creative
One day, Lilian Garcia should introduce him like this. Granted, it would take about half an hour, but after a brief stunned silence, the crowd would go absolutely nuts. I would. Then I’d laugh maniacally until I fell asleep from exhaustion and happiness.
The Undertaker
‘The Phenom’ ‘Demon of Death Valley’, ‘The Last Outlaw’ ‘Mean’ Mark ‘The Deadman’ Callous Kane The Undertaker, ‘The American Bad-Ass’
When you’ve been in the business for 25 years you’re bound to pick up the odd nickname, and I’m not sure if you’re aware but The Undertaker has been in the business for 25 years. If you’ve watched 30 seconds of product in the last month you’ll have been told 7 times on average. Which is fair enough. Sustaining that level of success for a quarter of a century is an impressive feat.
