The Netcop Rant for Fully Loaded.
– Live from Buffalo, NY
– Your hosts are JR and the King.
– In the back, Austin gets bandaged up after being cut open by the
Undertaker on Heat.
– Opening match, Intercontinental title: Edge v. Jeff Jarrett. Feels
good to put Edge’s name in that one first. Best reason to get WWF PPVs:
Debra only wears the really GOOD outfits there. Edge and JJ do a token
wrestling sequence while crowd chants for puppies. Edge gets a two
count off a rolling cradle and a sunset flip from the second rope.
Jarrett decides to walk, but gets back in before the ten-count. Jarrett
takes control as Lawler moves from the puppy jokes to the more untapped
territory of beaver jokes. *sigh*. Edge twists his knee and Jarrett
goes to work. Edge blocks the figure-four and gets two, but gets rammed
into the ringpost, allowing JJ a single-arm DDT. Jarrett gets a
sleeper, and Edge breaks, but gets flapjacked coming off the ropes for a
two count. Another sleeper from Jarrett, eventually reversed by Edge,
and he cradles for a two count. Sunset flip gets two. They collide in
the corner and Edge does Sting’s HEADBUTT TO THE GROIN OF DOOM spot for
a double KO and a two count. Edge gets a leg lariat and a neckbreaker,
but misses something off the top. He recovers with a small package for
two. Tornado DDT coming out of the corner, but Jarrett tosses him out
of the ring when he goes for the spear. Lights out, and Gangrel attacks
Edge on the outside. Bloodbath fails, however, and we see Gangrel out
on the floor. Back in the ring and Edge rolls through a bodypress for
two. Edge reverses a sunset flip for two. Dropkick reversed into a
powerbomb for two. Spear, but Debra is on the apron. Edge knocks her
off by accident, Gangrel attacks, and Jarrett hits the forward russian
legsweep for the pin and his fifth IC title, which is of course a new
record. Time: 13:20. Hey, kids, Edge just carried his first match!
*** Jarrett gloats, only to get destroyed by Steve Austin, who is
royally pissed off.
– Tag team title match: The Hardy Boyz & Michael Hayez v. The Acolytez.
Big brawl to start. Doesn’t work out well for the champz. Matt getz
dumped on the stepz and Hayez gets said stepz rammed into hiz shoulder.
Jeff hitz a tope con hilo on Farrooq, and Matt followz with one of his
own on both Acolytez. Hardyz double-team Bradshaw outside. Back in as
they triple-team Faarooq, but Jeff getz tossed outside (and landz on hiz
head! HE’S A REAL MAN!) Acolytez control az Matt playz Ricky Morton.
Jeff blocks a Bradshaw powerbomb with a boot to the head and makes the
hot tag…to Michael Hayez? Not smart, Matt. Bradshaw haz his way with
the old guy, but Michael tagz in Jeff, who getz caught with a powerslam
for two. Jeff jumps to the top rope and Bradshaw chokeslamz him to the
mat and damn near folds him in two. JEFF IS MY FUCKING HERO! He’ll be
paralyzed by the time he’z thirty, but I’ll be sick of him by then
anyway. Pier-six and Bradshaw hitz a backdrop suplex off the top on
Matt for two. Jeff crackz the cane over Bradshaw’z head (you can hear
the smack) but it only gets two. Bradshaw catches Jeff in mid-air with
the clothesline from hell, which gets two. Hardyz roll out and poor
Michael is left alone, which makes the double-powerbomb for the pin and
the titlez academic at 9:40. I (and my roommate) sense a shitkicking on
Michaels Hayez tomorrow night. Damn, this had some SICK bumps on the
part of the Hardy Boyz. Call it ***1/4 And yes, I’m done with the
running gag.
– European title match: Mideon v. D-Lo Brown. D-Lo hits an elbow to
start, then clotheslines Mideon out of the ring, then follows with a
baseball slide and tope suicida. He’s ON tonight, BABEE! They fight on
the floor, giving Mideon the advantage. Back in the ring, and Mideon
hits a half-assed doctorbomb for two. Mideon tells a bunch of people to
shut up while applying a chinlock. That’s a novel way of drawing heat.
Not. D-Lo escapes, but walks into a neckbreaker for two. Mideon kicks
and punches away, drawing boring chants. D-Lo comes back with a sloppy
tornado DDT for two, then jaws with the ref. Man, Dennis Knight is
useless. D-Lo hits the Skyhigh and legdrop, then the frog splash for
the clean win and his third European title at 7:10. ** Well, so much
for THAT push.
– Al Snow cuts a wacked-out promo on Michael Cole, leading to:
– Hardcore title match: Al Snow v. Big Bossman. Snow has mascara under
his eyes, giving him a “I haven’t slept in days” look that’s pretty
creepy. Bossman makes the mistake of going after Head, causing Snow to
snap. Snow gets rammed into the folded up bleachers, and shoved into a
box. Snow comes back with a sandbag to the head. Bossman rams Snow
into one of the big triangles at the entrance (HEY! THOSE ARE FOR
AUSTIN TO DESTROY!) and gets a two. We go backstage and the cameraman
gets taken out. Snow tosses a pot of coffee in his face, dumps a
garbage can on him, then suplexes him through a table. My jaded
roommate notes that tables without fire and thumbtacks have lost their
edge. Cute spot: Bossman rams a “First down” marker into Snow, then
switches to “Fourth down” and punts. He tries to run Snow over, but
sadly the golf cart won’t start. I hate it when that happens. They
fight down a hallway as Snow does his own commentary. They fight onto
the street and Bossman bulldogs Snow on the sidewalk, another SICK bump.
It gets two. Snow complains that Bossman can’t get the job done.
Bossman pulls a brick out of the sidewalk and nails Snow for two. They
fight across the street and Bossman breaks a bottle over his head, then
handcuffs Snow to a metal fence and beats him with a baton. Snow
collapses and Bossman pins him against the fence for his second Hardcore
title at 10:20. Snow finally has a peaceful look on his face. Some
pretty innovative spots and good bumping from Snow. ***
– Kane v. The Big Show. Bob “I used to be a jobber, but now I’ve got
two nicknames” Holly is the referee. This is the night of the bumps:
TBS presses to the floor less than a minute in. Wight tosses Kane in,
but runs into a boot. Kane stops to argue with Holly and gets
clothelined. Wight takes control and stomps Kane in the corner, jawing
with some fans in the front row. As JR would say, Wight does things
very deliberately. Kane is taking a beating here. Wight with three
headbutts, then he steps on him. Wight tells Holly that he’s about to
powerslam Kane, then does so for two. Holly offers advice on the proper
way to pin him. He misses an elbow and Kane comes back with a DDT.
Flying clothesline, and Kane goes for the chokeslam. Holly clips him
from behind and Wight hits his own chokeslam for the fast pin at 8:10.
Could have been worse. * X-Pac runs in and gets chokeslammed, then the
Undertaker attacks, and he and Big Show team up on Kane. We have a heel
turn. And a very effective one, judging from the crowd response.
– In the back, Austin catches the Undertaker coming through the curtains
and attacks. Undertaker gets busted open. Okay, we’re even now.
– Iron Circle Match: Ken Shamrock v. Steve Blackman. We’re in the
parking garage for this, with a circle of cars with their headlights on
as the ring. JR notes that Blackman is silent but deadly. You know, if
I was Blackman, I’d be upset about being compared to a fart. Maybe
that’s just me. Not much to say here, as they ram each other into cars
and kick a lot. Some nice bumps in the process, however. Blackman
finds a conveniently placed tar Arn, but Shamrock comes back with a
garbage can to the head and a shot to the head with a chain. Shamrock
chokes him down, and a bell rings at 4:04, so I guess Shamrock wins.
Not much of a match, can’t really rate it.
– Undertaker takes out his frustration on Terry Taylor. What is JR’s
problem with Taylor? Geez, the guy had a bad gimmick 10 years ago, get
over it.
– The Battle for DX: Chyna & Billy Gunn v. Road Dogg & X-Pac. Awww,
Chyna and Billy have matching outfits. Chyna with a headlock on the
Dogg to start, but RD whips her into Gunn to break it. Crowd breaks out
a “Asshole” chant when Gunn tags in. Gunn with a Stinger splash on
Jammes, and Chyna clotheslines him from the apron to put him into the
face in peril role. Chyna with a STIFF kick to the back and two
elbowdrops for a two count. Apparently the doctors think X-Pac may have
a concussion. In other news, sun comes up in morning, film at eleven.
Mr. Ass with a jackhammer, but misses whatever off the second rope.
X-Pac gets the hot tag and cleans house with leg lariats. Gunn hotshots
him, however, to turn the tide. Chyna gets a two count with a
powerslam. False tag to Road Dogg allows a beatdown in the corner on
X-Pac. Gunn gets a two count off a powerslam. Chyna actually tries a
handspring elbow, but gets clotheslined. Hey, that would have been
cool. Jesse gets the hot tag, and we have a pier-six brawl.
Broncobuster on Chyna, and Billy Gunn takes the Doggy Style Slam for the
pin at 11:13 to give the DX name to X-Pac and Road Dogg. Blah match.
**
– Strap match: The Rock v. HHH. No lame “touch all corners” here, it’s
just a falls count anywhere match with the guys attached to each other.
They brawl onto the floor and Rock does the camera spot. Rock gets
rammed into the Spanish announce table. Back in the ring and Helmsley
retains control. Back outside the ring and HHH gets whipped into the
steps, and they fight into the crowd. They end up near the barricades
and Rock drops HHH on the steel railing to gain the advantage, but HHH
whips him into the entranceway. JR claims that the supposed year-long
punishment of HHH for MSG was just a creation of Dave Meltzer and the
internet. Yeah, right. Helmsley gets some good shots with the strap
near the entrance, but gets suplexed on the concrete for two. Rock
takes a nice bump into the barricade for two. Rocky’s doing a better
job of selling tonight. They drag each other back into the ring and HHH
whips him again, cueing the comeback for the Rock. But no, it’s the
KNEE TO THE HEAD OF DOOM to put Rock down again as Chyna wanders out.
She distracts the ref as Rock hits Rock Bottom. No ref. HHH with the
low blow to come back, and he climbs to the top and hangs Rocky from
there. Nasty. Mike Ciota checks Rock, but he wakes up at two and slams
HHH off the top. Rock comeback, as he uses the strap to pull HHH around
the ring and hits the Samoan drop for two. HHH tosses Rock out of the
ring and pulls the strap off. They brawl on the floor and HHH grabs a
chair, but gets whipped by Rocky before he can use it. Nasty shots.
Back in the ring and Rocky with the DDT for two. Billy Gunn runs in and
nails Rock with the club, but it only gets two. Rock escapes the
Pedigree with the Great Equalizer and hits the People’s Elbow. It gets
two, and Gunn yanks Rock out. Rock hits Rock Bottom on Mr. Ass, but HHH
nails him from behind and hits the Pedigree for the pin at 19:05. And
it only took three people. Screwy booking aside, it was a good match
for both guys. ***1/2
– WWF title match, First Blood: Vince hobbles out before the match, as
JR, ever the sympathetic one, recounts the “near tragic accident on the
Fourth of July where Mr. McMahon cracked his butt”. Vince joins us for
commentary as JR reels off bitter comments. Undertaker attacks Austin
in the entrance and we’re underway. Basic brawl with these two, but
Austin gains control as they hit the ring. Some psychology as they
tease ramming each other into various objects. Austin gets clotheslined
into the crowd and UT tosses the steps at him! Man, that’s a lawsuit
just waiting to happen. Austin takes a shot with the steps but it gets
blocked. Back in the ring and UT stomps away in the corner. Choking!
Punching! Wow. Austin comes back and goes after UT’s leg, and spends
some time on it. They brawl on the floor again. UT misses some
chairshots, and gets rammed into the steel steps. Back in the ring, and
UT collides with Earl Hebner, and falls into the ropes, getting tied up.
Austin grabs a chair, but Shane runs into the ring and gets his clock
cleaned with the chair. This gives UT the time to escape the ropes. He
beats Austin down and pulls the turnbuckle pad off, but Austin blocks
and hit the Stunner. Vince tries to interfere and gets decked. Austin
grabs another chair, but UT pops up and hits Austin with his own.
Hebner gets tossed around for the ref bump. X-Pac runs in and does a
VanDaminator on UT, and Austin grabs a TV camera and waffles UT with it.
Shane comes back in and gets nailed again. Undertaker is bleeding.
Referee wakes up, sees the blood, and rings the bell at 15:15. Nah nah
nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey Vince, good bye. *1/2 So it’s HHH v.
Austin at Summerslam, and speaking of Mr. Knee, he attacks Austin from
behind to spoil his party. The Rock makes the save and they brawl to
the back as Undertaker throws a tantrum at ringside. Austin and UT
brawl at ringside and both are, in JR’s words “bleeding like hogs”. UT
retreats to the dressing room, and Austin offers Vince a good-bye
Stunner. A decisive finish in a main event? What parallel universe is
this?
The Bottom Line: A pretty amazing 98:10 of total wrestling in this
show, which is like three RAWs all put together. Mostly all clean
finishes, with a couple of notable exceptions, and just some good effort
all around. Undertaker, however, is done, and it’s time to either move
him back down the card or retire him. A **** match would have lifted
this show to “best of the year” levels, but as it stands it’s just
pretty damn good, and Austin v. HHH seems like the most marketable
Summerslam main.
Thumbs up.
