When Star Wars came out in the summer of 1977, kids were inspired to recreate the scenes from the movie at the playground. You had to be a bit creative since there weren’t any toys. Boys would use various items from around the house to be laser guns, spaceships and lightsabers. The film kept playing at the local theater week after week until months later the action figures finally arrived at Sears’ toy section. Then everyone played with officially licensed product. But at least one person remembered those early days and that person was Ernie Fosselius. He didn’t just play Star Wars, he created a short movie that quickly became legendary in 1978. Hardware Wars was a sensation and seeing it in the pre-VCR era was almost as good as bragging about seeing Star Wars 10 times at the mall’s movie theater.
Hardware Wars opens with almost familiar imagery. An iron flies across space only to be intercepted by a toaster that fires off pieces of toast. Inside the iron ship is 4-Q-2 (Frank Robertson) who looks lie the tinman from a community theater production of The Wizard of Oz and Artie Deco (a vacuum cleaner). They escape to a desert planet down below (that looks like a beach) and are found by Fluke Starbucker (Scott Mathews). The clueless teen discovers the secret hologram message inside Artie Deco from Anne-Droid (Cindy Furgatch), She’s a princess with rolls on both sides of her head. She begs for the help of Augie Ben Doggie (Jeff Hale). Fluke finds the old man and the two have to take the droids to save the princess. They head to a bar full of regular people to meet Ham Salad (Bob Knickerbocker) and his puppet co-pilot Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster (The Cookie Monster’s cousin). They have to battle Darph Nader in his waffle iron version of the Death Star. And after all these years the ending holds true, “You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll kiss three bucks goodbye.”
The biggest star of the film doesn’t appear on the screen. They hired voice legend Paul Frees to narrate the action. Besides being his work on Rocky and Bullwinkle, Frees is the Ghost Host inside Disney’s Haunted Mansion rides. He adds so much that you almost think George Lucas approved this spoof. While Scott Mathews didn’t have much of an acting career, he has done well in music. He worked with the Beach Boys, Roy Orbison, Todd Rundgren, Robin Williams and other artists including himself. Director Ernie Fosselius had previous done animation segments for Sesame Street and was part of The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo which became just Oingo Boingo. He was offered to direct Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, but passed so he didn’t get to reunite with Danny Elfman. Ernie focused on his career as a sound effects and Foley editor.
The best part about Hardware Wars is that the spoof is only 13 minutes. Ernie Fosselius didn’t need to recreate the entire movie. His short film felt like it was a live action version of the Mad Magazine spoof of the blockbuster. The kitchen appliances turning into science fiction special effects remains hilarious. It’s easy to sense that a lot of kids watching Hardware Wars went on to create their own bizarre spoofs with lo-fi special effects. Though if they finished the project and people loved it; they’d only claim they were inspired by Star Wars. After May The 4th, you should celebrate May The Farce on the 7th when Hardware Wars arrives on Blu-ray.
The Video is 1.33:1 full frame. This is from a 2K HD transfer of a 16mm print. Because of the way the film was edited on 16mm, they didn’t overly clean up the clean up the frames. They made it look as good as if you saw it projected the first time in 1978. The Audio is the original soundtrack in LPCM 2.0 mono. There’s also a stereo LPCM 2.0 mix. You’ll hear all the jokes and the boops and beeps. The movie is subtitled.
Director’s Commentary has Ernie Fosselius showing up late for the taping. He tells us what all the elements on the screen represent. The iron spaceship represents irony. He does give us a bit of insight into making the film.
Hardware Wars 2012 HD Master (12:54) is the previous cleaned up release. The color is a bit different from the new version. The good news is that both versions are short enough that you can enjoy them back to back.
Hardware Wars Director’s Cut (10:16) is a remix of the film with the graphics altered, raw footage of scenes such as the character introductions and numerous outtakes. The robots had a few issues.
Hardware Wars Foreign Version (11:15) seems to cover plenty of countries at once.
1978 Creature Features Interview (6:04) has the legendary Bob Wilkins interview Ernie Fosselius on his horror show. Ernie talks of his career as a Video Laugh Specialist. Wilkins’ show aired on KTVU in San Francisco. Ernie shows off the books, records and toys from Hardware Wars.
Hardware Wars Saves Christmas (6:10) is a story of how Santa needs the help of Fluke. Frames from the original Star Wars have been altered to make them look “new” and seasonal. They get attacked by a fruitcake in space.
Hardware Wars Prequel Featurette (5:23) has them on a spoof of the Antiques Roadshow. A woman shows up with a 35mm film can that has Hardware Wars inside. The experts swears Hardware Wars came before Star Wars.
Awards Reel (1:09) show off the Chicago International Film festival trophy American Film Festival Blue Ribbon, Star Wars Fans Award and a Golden Cob trophy.
Porklips Now (21:40) is a spoof of Apocalypse Now. The fake Francis Ford Coppola is a major character. Billy Gray from Father Knows Best is the man sent up the river to get Kurtz. This time Kurtz is a car dealer who gets in the meat market business in Chinatown and charges way below market prices. A group of butchers want him terminated with extreme prejudice. Full of great jokes for fans of the original.
Plan 9.1 From Outer Space (20:47) is a remake of the Ed Wood masterpiece. The acting is extra wooden because Ernie Fosselius uses marionettes and what looks like nutcrackers. He does use the original soundtrack. This is a great experiment that works. This was made in 2009.
Trailers include Hardware Wars, Ghoulies, Ghoulies 2, Swamp Thing and The Man From Earth. The trailer for Hardware Wars (1:28) is a lot of the actual short film. I might have seen the trailer on TV back in the late ’70s on some TV show.
Mini-poster suitable for framing.
MVD Rewind Collection presents Hardware Wars. Directed by Ernie Fosselius. Screenplay by Ernie Fosselius. Starring Frank Robertson, Artie Deco, Paul Frees, Scott Mathews, Jeff Hale, Cindy Furgatch, Bob Knickerbocker and Ernie Fosselius. Running Time: 13 minutes. Rating: Not Rated. Release Date: May 7, 2024.
