Good thing to know our US government is busy worrying about the real criminals in the world. Online Song Swappers! If you trade online, watch out. Read This to find out how you’re being protected. The RIAA thinks online song swappers should be “high priority” targets for the Justice Departments. Never mind people who might want to blow things up or kill. GET THE SONG SWAPPERS!!!!
In other news, I watched three movies this weekend. The New Guy… which is barely worth a rental. This is the movie with the skinny dude from Road Trip, DJ Qualls. He’s very possibly the ugliest human being ever. The ONLY reason to rent this movie is for a three or four minute sequence of Eliza Dushku dancing around while trying on bikinis. It’s track 16 on the DVD. Go straight to it, and skip the rest. Not Another Teen Movie, on the other hand, was GREAT. And Clockstoppers turned out to be entertaining. Little known secret is that Jonathan Frakes of Star Trek: TNG was actually the director of Clockstoppers, which makes sense considering the entire movie is ripped out of a TNG episode. Decent little movie, though.
In other interesting news, women are now deciding to get involved with Secondary Virginity. Luckily, someone in the article pointed out how friggin stupid it was. “You’re either a virgin, or you’re not.” I got news for the girls out there. If they decide to abstain for a year before they get married… one of two things are happening. Your boy’s hand is working out more than a soap star with a glandular disorder… or he’s finding it somewhere else. A year? Please. If I go a week, I get the shakes. And these are college girls talking. For Chrissakes, if ANYONE should know better.
Word up to the Giants who kicked around the World Champions this past weekend. Of course, it’s only preseason and they’ll probably suck in the regular season, but whatever.
Big shout out to Pat Day who became the top money-winning jockey in Racing at Saratoga on Saturday. I became the top money-losing bettor. Went against Jerry Bailey in the first race… was just a dumb, dumb move. Also had a good 50-1 long shot on a horse named, fittingly, Y Two J. He was scratched, unfortunately. My year at Saratoga is not going well.
ATLANTIC CITY NEXT WEEKEND WILL TURN IT ALL AROUND, THOUGH!!!
Unfortunately, I missed NWA this week, but I hear good things happened.
Underway.
WWF
Raw
Chris Jericho opens the show with a big interview about how he’s Raw now and once again Raw is, indeed, Jericho. HHH interrupts the interview to say “big deal, Shawn Michaels was attacked last week. But dammit, I HAVE A SLEDGEHAMMER AND I’M GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED!” This whole thing with HHH was just silly nonsense. Why does he care if Shawn got beat up? HE TURNED ON A WEEK AGO. Ah, according to HHH, Shawn was Pedigreed for his own good. Well, that makes perfect sense. After Hunter questions Jericho, HHH leaves. Jericho attempts to finish up the promo, but now RVD interrupts to officially welcome Jericho to Raw. A brawl ensues and we have a main event!
Table match between Bubba and Big Show. Bubba won with help from Trish and Spike. I’d say more about this, but there’s just not much more to say.
Lance Storm cuts the infamous 9-11 promo. read what Flea had to say. He covers it about right. IT’S A TELEVISION SHOW, PEOPLE.
Of course, rather then get a new guy over by defending the country in America, they use Sgt Slaughter of all people to back up the US. You know, that guy who was an Iraqi Sympathizer durign the gulf war. Heh, he sided with the Iraqis, but even HE hates Canadians. I still have my Slaughter GI Joe figure somewhere. That has nothing to do the promo… I was just remembering. Slaughter goes out for his “match” with Test. Test boots him off the apron, and we have no match. Well, that certainly was pointless then, wasn’t it?
Speaking of virginity, now Molly being a virgin is grounds for ridicule. Wow… way to endear yourself to the parents out there. First, make all the girls think if they’re carrying 10 extra pounds, there’s something wrong with them… THEN make them think they’re foolish for not being a slut. Not that there’s anything wrong with sluts… we need them to make the world go round… but there’s nothing wrong with NOT being one.
In the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite some time, Goldust introduces Mini-dust to Booker. “I give you… *Goldust Inhale* … Minidust,” then Mini-dust does the Goldust Bark. They discuss, and Minidust humps Booker’s leg. Good stuff. HHH makes the big confrontation of Booker because, as we know, Hunter does all his confrotations face-to-face, except when he’s running people down with cars or something. This all comes to a head, by the way… after HHH is in every segment interviewing everyone… in the main event… which is an interview. Turns out HHH was behind it the whole time (It was me, Austin, it was me all along).
Everyone but HHH is a suspect so, therefore, it was HHH who did it… – Me, last week.
So good I scare myself sometimes.
Of course, it didn’t take a rocket scientist. They wanted Michaels to have a match… this one makes the most sense. I think the whole car thing was unnecessary, though. We established that they hated each other when H turned on him… a whole extra week of a mystery was stupid without some sort of other payoff.
Bischoff then pimps XXX, which basically dooms it to a subpar opening.
Victoria had a debut match against Trish… at least, I think there was a match… you wouldn’t know it because Lawler seemed to ignore the match entirely in favor of making fun of Molly’s virginity. Wonder if she gets to start calling people whore. That’d be fun.
The Island Boys victim of the week was Lillian Garcia… ok, they can beat up old women and Lillian… how about a wrestling match?
The main event match between RVD and Jericho, I thought, was pretty good, though the crowd seemed dead. Flair took his revenge on Jericho for the chairshot last week, by getting him with a chairshot this week. This lead to an RVD 5-star and a win.
After the match, we end with a rambling whodunnit between Bischoff, HHH, and Shawn Michaels via satellite. After your various genetalia references and not satisfying Whisper and the like, we finally get down to “it was me, Shawn, it was me all along.” Well that’s great. The only good thing that came of this is Shawn Michaels’s big In-Ring return is going to be at Summerslam. This becomes even better because it was confirmed last night that I am, in fact, going to Summerslam. I get to see Shawn Michaels’s ring return. It almost makes the cost of seats not hurt so much. But, big shout out to my buddy who scored the seats.
Smackdown
There was an opening match between John Cena and Kurt Angle which had no point other than to set up a six man tag match for later in the neight between Cena, Edge, and Mysterio vs Angle, Benoit, and Guerrero.
The seeds were planted for the Bautista turn on D-von when he cost the Deacon his match. It was a punch in the fact that was meant for Rikishi but hit Bautista instead… and since a fist to the face is like STEEL when it comes from an ally, it set up the defeat via Superkick.
Brock went to visit Hogan’s locker room… they’ve made a big deal tonight about how Hogan overcomes the odds and wins when no win seems possible. Hogan convinces Brock to put the Summerslam title shot on the line. Brock does for no good reason, and doesn’t even demand anything in return. Doesn’t turn out to matter as Brock kicks out of a coupla leg drops and ends up beating Hogan with a Bear Hug? That had to be the oddest finish I’d ever seen.
Shannon Moore made his Smackdown debut teamed up with none other than The Hurricane. I guess he’s learned to work “WWF Style.†I wonder if they’re going to leave him as Shannon Moore or if they’re going to give him a sidekicky gimmick, like Supermoore. Maybe I’ll email that to the WWF suggestion address and they can use it without paying me for it. That sounds like a FANTASTIC idea. They wound up winning they’re debut against Billy and Chuck. Great idea to introduce a new tag team on THE SHOW WITHOUT THE BELTS.
Cena looks like a jakked version of Matt Damon. It’s been bothering me, and I finally placed it. Looks like they might be going for a “comedically intense†angle with Mr Cena. This preceded said six man tag in which Mysterio pinned Kurt on the Hurricanrana Pin. Afterward, Angle was in shock because he got pinned by “a freakin’ 12 year old.†Good match, great finish, great setup, and great post-match. Good all around. Kurt did point out, though, that Rey was the illegal man during the pinfall.
Dawn gives “important papers†to Stacy to give to Steph. Stacy, in turn, delivers these papers to Bischoff. This is the one thing that bothers me about wrestling as a show. Who knows what’s going on backstage? Like, that was just on National TV is Steph supposed to not know now that Stacy is the Smackdown Mole? I mean, even if she didn’t see it on TV, you’d think someone would tell her.
NWA: TMF’nJ
GODDAM IT I MISSED THE RETURN OF JIMMY YANG! Friggin show. Every week I watch and the first week I’m away, I miss the Most Dangerous Sideburns in Wrestling.
Like I said, I didn’t see it this week, but just a couple of quick comments. I’m sooooo glad they gave the X division title to Low Ki. I said last week that we need to get the drama out of the X division, which is what we have with AJ vs Lynn. Now, not only do we have that drama gone, but I get to see Low Ki every week, which is just dandy with me.
Also, I figured Krush was going to win the title, but I didn’t know how they would go about meaning I doubted it would be clean. It wasn’t, but it was only a randomly placed Superkick and a Diamond Cutter and we have a new NWA world champion. From Dan Severin, to Ken Shamrock, to K-Kwik well, that’s interesting. Eh, I’m willing to give him a shot. Widro says he’s the first ever black NWA champion. A quick look over a puroresu confirms.
I heard rumors of a segment with the Dupps that dragged on for approximately two days or so. Get over it with these guys seriously. They suck, they’re not funny, and no one cares.
And Jarrett is again our Number 1 contender rather than Apollo who has a reasonably chance of getting over. So, of course, Jarrett wins and we have to deal with him in a title match sometime soon and probably win it. Yay.
The Week In Wrestling
Not only the Osbournes, but now Anna Nicole Smith has dethroned Raw as the top cable show of the week. Next thing you know, they’ll try and turn Raw into some sort of reality show to compete.
Of course, the WWF will now conquer the world with their fan feedback e-mail address. If you haven’t heard about this, WWE.com now has an email link which you can use to send storyline suggestions directly to management. The key is, the only way you can do it is by accepting a forty seven page (give or take) legal agreement that you give this idea of your own volition and cannot seek any royalties or payment for your ideas. That’s when you know you’ll be getting the best idea. When they’re for free.
But Daniels, you write for free, too.
Yes, most of the IWC writes for free because as a general rule, the websites they work aren’t million dollar companies. But, for example, you expect me to contribute ideas to a multi-million dollar company and not get any sort of recognition for it. Can’t use it for a resume builder can’t use it to pay the rent but dammit, you can tell your buddies that this angle going on right now was ALL YOUR IDEA. And I’m sure they’ll believe you, too. Ridiculous. What, the WWF is too good to hire writers now? Steph has it all handled? Right. The day I start contributing ideas to the WWF for free is the day I’ve made all the money I’ll ever need. It’s disgusting.
And as for their current storylines the GM thing is still working just fine, but what’s the deal the HHH/HBK thing? This feud was set up THREE YEARS ago the night after Wrestlemania when HHH verbally buried Shawn in the ring. Now, this thing is finally starting to come to fruition and it almost seems like the they want it on the back burner. Scott Keith had the foresight to put this match as two cripples hobbling around the ring together. I’ll take a 25% Shawn Michaels any day of the week. And besides, it’s fine with me I’m seeing it LIVE. I don’t know whether they don’t want to overhype this match in the fear it will take from the scheduled main event, but when you have a moneymaker, you go with it. I’m dying to see Shawn Michaels make an in ring return, and even more excited just to see Shawn hit the ring again. This should be one of the matches with major pimp factor for Summerslam, but it isn’t.
Instead, the major pimp is going to Brock/Rock which, while it’ll be a decent match and all, just doesn’t quite have the oomph of a Shawn/Hunter match.
I still have to say, I’m looking forward to Raw tomorrow, so the GM angle is still doing it for me. I just hope they don’t decide to immediately ditch it if ratings don’t jump. They need to be continuously good for a while if they want ratings to return besides the fact they just don’t have that many people right now to carry the show. The ultimate badness would be to bring back Shitberg because it won’t change things. Norton had a good point in that all that matters for a show to be good is the writing. Right now, it’s decent.
Let’s see if they can keep it that way.
End Transmission.
