The Week In Wrestling 10.7.02

MuhFuhkin TWINS!!! The movie Major League comes to life. If the Brewers can’t be there MAKE IT THE UNDERDOGS!

Also MAAAAAAAAAD props to the Angels for punting the Yankees in the ALDS. Shut Yankee fans up until next year at least. Now, wait for the “yeah, well they’ve won the most ever.” Yeah, well they didn’t win THIS ONE, FAHKERS!!!!!

Anyone living in NY, vote for Golisano. I’ve decided to go for the only candidate that realizes there is an upstate NY… also the only candidate who knows how to be a success without a party backing him every step of the way. Anyone who can make a multi-billion dollar company out of $3,000… my kind of person to run NY. Conveniently, $3,000 is all NYS has in the bank, too… and we owe that to Canadian Border Guards for looking the other way when we smuggle in cases of better beer.

Besides, the other two candidates are downstaters. We already know they can’t run a state.

Speaking of things that suck New Jersey. I had the extreme displeasure of having to drive through New Jersey on my way to Pennsylvania on Friday and Sunday. I’ve driven on Long Island, and I’ve driven in Canada, and I’d like to say that NJ has the distinction of having the worst, most annoying drivers in history. The Jersey Expressway is like a freak show with an exhibit of nonsense every twelve miles or so. Today, I passed a car accident, a man holding a newborn outside his car, another accident, someone jumping someone else’s car and a guy laid outside his car on a backboard. And, of course, everyone in Jersey apparently isn’t used to this, and all find it necessary to slow down and back traffic up for 15 miles so they can get a five second look at whatever is on the side of the road.

And, if the Expressway isn’t bad enough, your second option is the Garden State Parkway. The Parkway doesn’t necessarily have freak shows every 12 miles, but instead has Toll Plazas every ten miles. No, Jersey can’t be like every other state and have Plazas only at exits but they need to have them placed randomly in the road. So, you get to pay a 35-cent toll every twenty feet, AND get hit again when you get off the road. I may think New York sucks sometimes, but it’s true what they say it ain’t Jersey.

Also had the pleasure of having a true Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich this week. Nothing like wandering around the ghettos of Philly at 1 am looking for meat and cheese on a roll then watching your buddy leave his steak in a steamin pile on the sidewalk completely undigested.

Also, the RIAA wants to start scouring p2p networks to look for files and DELETE THEM OFF OF USER’S COMPUTERS if they find illegal copies of files. Be veeery careful to watch what’s going on with this stuff, folks. If I go the RIAA’s website and delete a file off their server, I can go to prison if they view my files and delete them, that’s dandy. Watch this, folks I’m telling you.

Raw

Bischoff opens the show right off with telling people NOT to change to football. Well, he’s right in that they get the first shot as kickoff doesn’t happen until like 9:17 or so. He peaks the interest right away by promising three title matches and they will soon be Unifying the World Title with the Intercontinental Title. If they use the IC Title instead of the Big Gold Belt, I could very possibly be done with wrestling forever.

I guess it depends on opinion to whether this is a good move or not. I don’t think it’s all THAT bad an idea. My only problem is what the Raw undercard is going to feud over? Is every Raw feud going to be over spilled coffee now? It also kind of takes any chance for singles glory to any mid-carder. Is it just basically so HeMan gets to mow over any and all competition on the show? Because, you certainly aren’t going to see Lance Storm in a believable feud for the big gold belt, are you?

Moving on, Lita was with Bischoff and he was a little pissed off that she had the gall to question his management on WWE.com, and after he gave her a new announcing gig on Heat. She had three minutes to impress him. Which brought out Rosie and Jamal… which brought out Jeff Hardy… who got beat down, which brought out Bookerdust, who then proceeded to hand out the beat down. Bischoff declared a tag match ON RIGHT NOW!!!

And we continue with the senseless burying by Booker T, as he is the one who lays down to put over the Island Boys. WTF? Is it still because he’s a WCW talent… or is he being held back by the Man? People scream good things for this guy, and they ignore it. Then again, he got into a bit with Jericho… so maybe they’re setting him up for something else.

Speaking of odd stuff, there were people chanting for Golddust… I thought I was the only one who chanted for Golddust.

Line of the night:

Lance Storm: Hey, at least I wasn’t screaming like a girl when I got chokeslammed

Christian: Hey, that guy’s a superhero

WWE Continuity Error: Hurricane already got unmasked guys… you don’t have to pretend you don’t know who he is anymore.

Kane, with line of the night number two after getting a kiss from Skeletor:

“What can I say? Chicks dig the mask.”

Ric Flair is working on some “ex-Smackdown talent” as they seem to be working on contract expirations now rather than “jumps.” Score one point for continuity and suspense. Actually, that’s two points. GO VINCE!!! My guess is Bautista, as they try to set up a Bautista/Lesnar supermatch somewhere down the road.

Bischoff told Jeff Hardy he was sick and tired of hearing about “Mattitude” and was starting to wonder if he got stuck with the wrong Hardy boy. For helping Lita, he had to wrestle Big Show again. During the match they ended up in the crowd next to two hot chicks, which leads me to question if they plan these things. “Hey Show, check out the chick over there… toss me into the crowd so we can get a better look.” Jeff won by countout.

They ran a commercial that said “Amidst a sport brimming with chaos, one man is always relaxed and centered. RVD, only on Raw.” Well guys, I got news, Rob has a little help staying relaxed. Don’t know if you want to go promoting that.

The Houston Texans were at Raw… well, it’s obvious that they don’t do any double practice sessions.

And other odd things… Bubba Ray Dudley was wearing shorts. His legs are whiter than the albino’s from the Princess Bride. They’ve also made Bubba Dudley the representive of the Internet as he verbally runs down HeMan and telling everyone how he is sick and tired of the world of Raw revolving around HeMan. He’s doing this for everyone who hasn’t had anything handed to them, like HeMan. I try to concentrate on the match, but I just keep getting distracted by the alabaster sheen glinting off of Bubba Ray’s legs. How can a man’s legs be the same color as Ric Flair’s hair? The problem with this match is no one thinks Bubba can win it, hence there’s no intruigue behind the match. It’s just a segment on auto-pilot waiting for a Pedigree.

Before they even went to commercial, they went backstage where Victoria jumped Trish before their match… trying to get people not to flip to the game during commercials… it doesn’t work, and the Broncos are challenging the call on the field that the receiver got the ball. Hm… watch the coach’s challenge or watch Raw.

Victoria’s big title match turned out to be a DQ as she handed Trish a man sized chair shot. This is not as important as what came up post-match, which was Bischoff announcing “Raw Roulette” for next week. Since they’re in Las Vegas, there will be a “random stipulation” in every match, decided by the wheel. Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal = RATINGS! Bischoff reminds us that we won’t get this on Monday Night Football. No, we’ll get sports that people just don’t REALIZE is fixed yet.

Actually, that’s just a joke, I’m looking forward to it.

HeMan proved that he was superstar and that Ric Flair is teaching him how to style and profile by showering with some chicks.

King: RVD has injured ribs, why doesn’t he just go on the injured reserve list like those football players do when they get a hangnail.

Ah, good to see the WWF going back to what works when they’re faced with competition… insult them.

Tommy Dreamer gets the big pin on Test. Could they be going for a full-fledged push for Tommy? The only thing I wonder about unifying all these titles is what is going to happen to the undercarders? Is everyone going to lose to HeMan every week?

Booker T gets a SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAA about an Hour after his Can you Dig That. I lied, THIS was the spot of the night.

King: That pyro almost blew your drawers off.

JR: How do you know I’m wearing drawers?

King: …

I love when JR leaves the King speechless.

King: We don’t have a cute little reg flag to give people do-overs here in the WWE.

No, we just have referees that get knocked unconcious so you can do whatever you want. If it was easy to knock out or distract a NFL referee as a WWE official, it might be a different game. Let’s take a look.

Al Michaels: Donovan McNabb back for shotgun and oh my, the ball got snapped into the referee, the ref is unconcious.

John Madden: Smart play there, Al… the Eagles need a touchdown here by any means necessary.

AM: Fielder retrieves the ball and steps over the unconcsious heap of Bob McElwee. One of the offenseive linemen just chucked his helmet at the Umpire… I’m pretty sure it only hit him in the knee, but he appears to be out as well. The rest of the linemen go about sitting on top of the linebackers.

JM: I don’t believe this, what has officiating in this league come to.

AM: On the far side, we have Randy Moss arguing with the Side Judge, his back is to the action, on the near side, the other side judge has apparently started arguing with the Eagle’s Coach. We’re in the middle of a play here!

JM: Donovan McNabb’s already been tackled twice, but no one is blowing a whistle!

AM: All the referees appear distracted, John.

JM: Incredibly smart play calling here… get all the refs out of the play and just waltz into the endzone. If you look right here, Randy Moss sneaks a steel chair behind his back while arguing with the Side Judge and BANG, Michael Strahan just took a stiff shot to the grill, he seems to be down.

AM: The Line Judge finally turns around and sees Donovan McNab in the end zone… TOUCHDOWN EAGLES!

JM: Aw, come on… not this way.

Yeah, that’d make football fun. At least they try to PRETEND it’s not fixed. FOOTBALL STILL HAS KAYFABE DAMMIT!

Just think… baseball only has four umps… and the players there get baseball bats.

JR: Listening to you sometimes is worse than watching Celebrity Boot Camp.

King: …

TWICE IN ONE NIGHT!!!! BOOOOOOOYA JR!!

And then a Wink Martindale Reference? TIC TAC F*CKIN DOUGH BABY!!!! JR has officially redeemed himself in my eyes.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jericho and Kane. Flair tried to insert himself in the match and got removed from ringside. Jericho and Kane went on to have an exciting little match that went well into the overrun, hoping to catch those CSI folks into thinking “hmmmm, maybe I’ll just try to catch this wrestling thing next week.” Toward the end, HHH ran out to run some interference over Kane with a Spinebuster on the concrete… then a distraction for Jericho to lay a steel chair into the knee… the same knee he had been working on all match, presumably for the Walls of Jericho, which works the back. None was enough, though, as Kane comes back with a chokeslam to beat Jericho and win the Intercontinental title and (presumably) face HHH in the main event of No Mercy, to Unify the titles. Jericho, I MIGHT have thought had a chance to win at NM, but Kane? There’s a PPV main I don’t really care to see.

Regardless of what everyone else thought, Raw kept me entertained and it kept me away from football. I’m not doom and glooming this Raw I enjoyed just about all of it.

Smackdown

Smackdown is getting new tag titles with one of those mysterious “tournaments” that has no brackets. There’s a tournament, and the new tag titles will be determined at some point. All we know is The Guerreros and D’Von & Farooq are in and Billy & Chuck and Rikishi & Mark Henry are out.

Undertaker and Matt Hardy had a Falls Count anywhere match which saw it go backstage and into Brock Lesnar. Undertaker, the man who can take any pain, any punishment, and come back fighting got F5ed onto bags of POPCORN and it was the most VICIOUS MOVE IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT. He sold it like a gunshot wound. Hey IT’S POPCORN!!! Matt Hardy then gets the pinfall. Post match, Brock breaks Taker’s hand with a fire extinguisher. Which, naturally, sets up a Hell in the Cell match for No Mercy because nothing says match like a broken hand!

Once again, Angle, Edge, Rey, and Benoit were all involved in matches that made Smackdown the show of the week. Angle/Edge was first and Rey/Benoit was second. I’m not a recapper, but goddam if these didn’t make the shows worth watching. Much like the comedy parts with Booker T and Goldust, I can’t do things justice by talking about them here. You either saw them or you didn’t but if you don’t watch Smackdown because you think it’s going to suck then start watching it or at the very least, watch it around 9 pm and around 9:45, because those seem to be the times they put the good matches on.

Other than the great matches, the show wasn’t that great, but it goes to show you how much a great match can make the rest of the stupidity forgettable like making Angle and Benoit “a tag team that has to get along even though they hate each other.” Which automatically means they will be in the finals and win the belt or else it’s pointless.

Cutting it short this week, though. After a six-hour drive through hell or Jersey, whatever you want to call it, I’m beat and exhausted. At the very least, wrestling is getting good again.

Happy to be watching it.

End Transmission.