Ah, pain comes in so many forms.
Despite the fact that I’ve been all over the country (and out of it) for over twenty years now, there’s still a bit of homesickness I get whenever I leave Chicago for new climes. Unfortunately, this does happen more often than I’d wish, because Chicago seems to be my personal Hotel California: I can check out anytime I like, but I can never leave. The place keeps pulling me back for some unexplainable cosmic reason. But never mind that fact. Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah, the slight bit of homesickness I get until I consciously realize that the fact that I keep leaving Chicago is because I’m sick of home. Now, at this point, my spirit needs a bit of Chicago to settle it. I would have even watched the World Series had the Team That Doesn’t Exist not done its traditional choke job, just to get that Hometown Juice mainlined into my veins. So it disappointed me a bit on Sunday to note that the Bears/Seahawks contest wasn’t chosen by the local affiliate here in Lincoln for the late game. Instead, we ended up getting the paint-drying-is-thrilling-compared-to-this Fuckin’ Queers/Faggy-Niners tilt. Our local Pawns Of Murdoch’s International Ultra-Conservative Conspiracy stuck with this bow-wow until the bitter end, despite the fact that Bears/Seahawks was tight near the end. When they finally switched, there was a minute left in Bears/Seahawks with the Seahawks up by a TD and the Bears driving to tie. So they switch, and what’s the first sight I see? Chris Chandler throwing a ball perfectly into the arms of a member of the Seahawks secondary. Game over.
Just rip my balls off now and get it over with.
On the bright side, at least the Bears didn’t lose to a previously-winless team. Right, BFM?
A few other observations:
1) Nebraska is the only state I’ve been in whose total cost of vehicle registration (license/plates/title) is more than in Illinois. I felt raped last Friday coming out of the DMV. Just for comparison, getting everything in Iowa costs less than the title alone in Illinois or the plates alone in Nebraska (or the plates alone in Illinois, for that matter).
1a) That being said, my new Nebraska license photo is the first one I’ve really been satisfied with. At least I won’t be embarassed when I get pulled over.
2) How can a city the size of Lincoln survive with only one Best Buy? And one that looks perpetually understocked, for that matter?
3) Knowing that Nebraska was playing at home on Saturday, I did the smart thing and stayed inside to unpack a little rather than go out on a perfectly gorgeous day and run the risk of coming close to eighty thousand drunken maniacs. Of course, having unpacked my kitchen, I wanted to test the dishwasher in the apartment to get the packing dust and any other possible cruft off of the eating-ware. Fortunately, my complex has 24-hour maintenance on call. It’s working now.
4) No UPN here, of course. No problem with that. BitTorrent solves my Enterprise needs (and I may not need it for that if they keep showing shit episodes like last week’s Hoshi-centric mess), and I haven’t bothered to research if Smackdown’s on over here. Of course, having said that, there’ll be a mail from someone telling me when it’s on so I don’t have to do it in the first place.
Enough about the disaster that is my life. Let’s talk about the disaster that was No Mercy, shall we?
POISON IS THE WIND THAT BLOWS
Oh second thought, out of deference to Stu Hart and Mike Hegstrand (especially Stu), I don’t think I will. It’s just too sad to contemplate a PPV built around two egomaniacs acting out an Electra Complex, a hot cruiser opener ruined for the benefit of bringing in two guys, and another f*cking world title shot for UT and have to connect the whole mess to wrestling. It definitely leaves a sour taste in one’s mouth.
THE PIMP SECTION
Nute sticks his neck out for us so we can give it a good bit of torque.
Cole does the Q&A bit, which makes for a nice contrast from Hyatte’s T&A bit.
Fernandez doesn’t need to get on my good side by dissing Flex by comparing him to Ja Rule, since he’s South Side and I’m South Side. So what does that mean? It means we can both dis R. Kelly anytime we want and get away with it.
Regular HBK826 points out that Warren Ellis, one of those Great Brit Comic Book Writers of the 90s who’s still relevant today, wrote a wonderful screed at his site here viz. Dubbaya through his terrific character from Transmetropolitan, Spider Jerusalem. Now I got out of comics when Transmet was just starting to get rolling, but thanks to geeks with scanners and BitTorrent, I was able to snag the whole run a couple months ago and read it in one sitting (and ditto Preacher, Ellis’ other great creation). The essay, and the comics, are definitely worth the read.
Oh, dear God, I have absolutely nothing to say today, especially in comparison to Hyatte, who somehow forgot that I’ve said some nice things about that fat f*ck Madden in my time and, of course, I was right about The Rundown being a bomb that wouldn’t get to $50M (so f*ck you, Flex Fans, and I expect at least one” href=”http://www.diepunyhumans.com>here viz. Dubbaya through his terrific character from Transmetropolitan, Spider Jerusalem. Now I got out of comics when Transmet was just starting to get rolling, but thanks to geeks with scanners and BitTorrent, I was able to snag the whole run a couple months ago and read it in one sitting (and ditto Preacher, Ellis’ other great creation). The essay, and the comics, are definitely worth the read.
Oh, dear God, I have absolutely nothing to say today, especially in comparison to Hyatte, who somehow forgot that I’ve said some nice things about that fat f*ck Madden in my time and, of course, I was right about The Rundown being a bomb that wouldn’t get to $50M (so f*ck you, Flex Fans, and I expect at least one” we?
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THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Buh Buh Ray and D’Von Dudley over Rob Conway and Rene Dupree, Tag Titles Match (Pinfall, Buh Buh Ray pins Dupree, Doomsday Device): After the armband, after the Lawler pimping, if they had ended the match with anything other than the Doomsday Device, it would have been a complete letdown. In fact, I was so sure that it was going to end with the usual “get the tables” crap that during the match, I was already writing this section in my mind complaining that they didn’t use it. The usual WWE heavy hand, but this time used in a worthy cause. Sic transit gloria, Hawk.
Booker T over Randy Orton (COR): You know, they could have done a lot more with this than the old “impromptu match” routine. Wasn’t it only about seven months ago that Orton was part of a little bit of race-baiting and assorted humiliation with Booker as the target? Jesus Christ, guys, use a little bit of continuity once in a while, if only for the sake of my sanity.
Chris Jericho and the Big Sump Pump Who Doesn’t Belong In The Same Arena With Him over Lance Storm and Rob Van Dam (Pinfall, Jericho pins Van Dam, Lionsault): Okay, I’m grateful that Storm got a shot at the Transition Match. I’m extraordinarily happy to see that Sump Pump didn’t f*ck the whole match up like he usually does. However, I am upset that they had to drop the two Michiganders into this. A Jericho/Storm match, given the same time, would have been the best tribute to Stu Hart that Raw could have come up with. And if booked properly (in other words, Lance going over in a non-fluky way), it could have elevated Storm to upper-mid-card status, where they’re a little short of power right now, even with Booker’s return. You always regret the sins of omission, and this is one of those.
Victoria and Molly Holly over those two smarmy bitches Trish Stratus and Lita, thank God (Pinfall, Victoria pins Stratus, Stevie-ference): Well, at least we haven’t seen this particular combination lately. Nice match, but I’ve reached my limit with Ross. Look, JR, every single f*cking woman wrestler on the Raw roster has won the women’s title, so you can stop mentioning that X is a “former women’s champion”. This has really annoyed the hell out of me for a long time now, but I’ve rarely mentioned it. Consider it mentioned.
Ric Flair over Maven (Pinfall, rollup): Good to know there are still broomsticks around that Flair can make look good.
And quoth Derrek Croney:
I’ve been watching Ric Flair’s work since 1978, and I’m just amazed at how good he continues to be. It’s a damn shame, as well as a testimony to his greatness, that Flair in his 50s is the best wrestler/performer on the RAW roster. In fact, the only wrestler on either roster that compares to Ric is Kurt Angle. No matter how they try to bury him, he always, ALWAYS rises to the top when called upon.
I still like my broomstick line better.
Shawn Michaels versus Bill Goldberg, World Title Match (ND, Batista-ference): And the return of Dave Batista and the reuniting of Evolution is supposed to excite me how? Okay, great Pillmanizing of Goldie’s ankle, but still, the thrill just ain’t there. One question, though: Does Goldie spearing Hebner make him a face in Canada?
As for the whole bounty angle, I leave that up to Slick Rick:
In the “old school” angles, these “stole the money” sub-angles usually went on for at least a couple weeks to get the guys involved at least a LITTLE over. The whole plot, ending with Batista’s return, was a classic old-school (dare I say Horseman-esque) plot, but it shouldn’t have paid off the same day. Creative has completely lost the knack for stretching out the really “interesting” angles over a series of weeks to build feuds and new talent in favor of McMahon-fests, which much as I like Shane’s work-rate, I’d have to say the Shane/Kane angle became the second week in. Stuff like Kane/Shane should be two-week, blow it off at the PPV stuff, and stuff like Evolution’s Bounty should go a couple months…
Well, the bounty angle never turned me on in the first place, so I’m glad it’s over. The blowoff was a good way to reintegrate Batista into Evolution while also keeping the focus on the general Goldie/Evo feud instead of introducing more extraneous elements into it (dear God, do you realize how close they were to elevating Mark Henry to main-event with this mess?). Kane/Shane, though, as you said, is tapped out. Extending it to SurSer just shows that “creative” has nothing better for Kane to do. They need a good mix-up of dynamic in the upper-mid-card, and that’s where Lance Storm would have helped them had they had the clue to elevate him using Jericho in a solo match instead of having that tag at transition. This is a crew that’s totally lost as for what to do with anyone right now. You know they’re in trouble if they start pimping a Goldie/Batista title match at SurSer, though.
Angle Developments:
Memo To The Guy In The Front Row: Yes, Steiner does suck rectal thermometers. But you didn’t specify before or after use.
Oh, God, Not This Opening Promo…: Austin and Test to start the show off. Is this the living definition of “joy” or what? However, it did lead to something very interesting concerning the SurSer match between Team On The Side Of Goodness and Team Wife-Beater. Bisch already has Jericho and Big Sump Pump. Are there three other ex-WCW heels on the roster who can be fit into this without any trouble? And can Austin recruit five WWF/E guys? A WCW/WWE SurSer match would be terrific to see. Here’s another ramification: Christian wasn’t with the group. Does that mean it’s going to be him versus Van Dam for the IC strap at SurSer? If they could pull both of those off, the card’s starting to look pretty decent.
Memo To Wife-Beater: Plowing My Beautiful and Beloved with beer doesn’t work. Trust me. You have to go straight for the Rohypnol.
Yet quoth Megatitawitz:
Does Stacy Keibler not count as talent? I “respect” how they “adhered” to their stipulations by “banning” Steve Austin from the building for assaulting Bischoff unprovoked, but I didn’t see Stacy lay a finger on Austin to provoke her stunner. I withheld comment for a week to see if they would say anything, but as I should have expected, nothing.
She is not “talent”. She is My Beautiful and Beloved. Austin will pay, but at a place, time, and method of my choosing. Trust me on that.
And My Hopes Get Dashed Yet Again: Gee, thanks, Booker, for volunteering to be on Wife-Beater’s team. That sure wrecked that good idea I had above. Now, can we find three or four faces on the Raw roster who have been arrested or jailed? Too bad Eddy Guerrero’s on Smackdown; he’d fit in perfectly.
Hmmmm…: First Jericho and Missus Hyatte. Now Christian and Lita. So what exactly is going on here? Are they angling for a double date? Are they out of Ass Cream ™? This might actually be interesting, which is something very rare for a Raw SE angle. Let’s await further developments.
That’s it for today. Tomorrow, Mailbag and other crap. Sorry if I seem to be wandering, but this new job is getting to be a bit stressful on the old head. There are moments of joy to be had, though. It’s amazing how fast an inspector can crap his pants when he points out something wrong and you whip out a digital camera and start taking photos of said anomaly (Memo to Ralph Snart: Going against meat inspectors who think they’re God Almighty can be very nerve-wracking, yes, especially since your place of employment depends on you being able to run interference against them. There are some times when bomb defusing looks like a damn good career option.). Until tomorrow, have a thrill on me.
About Eric Szulczewski
