SMACK this! – 05.12.05


OPENERS

NOTE: Unless my schedule changes drastically, this column will show up on Friday afternoons/evenings. Hey, gotta pay the bills, ya know?

I’m late tonight because I wanted to see the final episode of Enterprise. I was less than impressed…

This is just a reminder that the last episode of Season 3 of Red vs Blue will be hitting their site this weekend sometime, with the DVD release with extras soon to follow. You can get Season 1 and Season 2 DVD’s from the Red vs Blue site, or grab them from your local GameSpot. Of course, with GameSpot taking over EB Games soon, we may be looking at a Microsoft like monopoly, at least in the WNY area.

I’m going to see the new Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie next week, so maybe the guys at IP Movies will let me post a review. From what I’ve heard, it’s a fantastic movie if you’re not expecting the book (I’m told it’s the same up to the whale and petunias, then takes a sharp left turn into something else.) The BBC TV series is still the best if you’re looking for a (fairly) faithful retelling of the book.

THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION

As previously helmed by one Eric Szulczewski, I’ve taken the liberty of taking the text and links from his Anti-Spyware section, and put it up on a page of it’s own, here. After spending three hours killing the “Desktop Search” crap from my singer’s computer, I feel that information like this is too good to be left out. So there ya go. UPDATE: Firefox has released version 1.0.4, just a few days ago. Get it here.

QUICK HITS

Hatton has Rabblitis.

Eric has Shortformatosis.

Jannette has an SDL condition.

I’ve got a fever. And the only cure is MORE COWBELL.

SMACK this! (or, Evil Eddy is BACK!)

We get a recap of the Eddy/Rey saga. They’ve done this before with other feuds, but this video package seemed exceptionally well done.

It’s a bad theme (Malina has been put in the opening), a fist, and some fireworks! I guess we are TAPED from the Sovereign Center in Reading PA; it’s WWE SmackDown! Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us as Eddie Guerrero comes out with swanky new heel-like music. Cole says “rumor” has it that Rey and Eddy will face off at Judgment Day in 10 days. Tazz covers up by saying that only IF Rey is able to come back by then. Of course, some wise ass in the graphics department put together a preview clip for it, sans names. I guess when it’s “official,” they’ll get their names back. Eddy grabs a chair and a mic, and sits down in the center of the ring. The lights dim as an EDDY SUCKS chant fires up, although it seemed to me that a few were still chanting EDDY. Without the SUCKS, that is.

Anywho, Eddy speaks! “You know, all over the country, people have been asking me, ‘Why, Eddie, why? Why did you do to Rey Mysterio what you did to him last week?’ Plain and simple: I gave him what he wanted. He wanted a fight, I GAVE him a fight. I gave him the fight of his life! And do you think that makes me happy? (Eddy pulls Rey’s mask from his sport coat, screaming) Do you think that makes me happy?! (He talks to the mask) I didn’t want to do it Rey; why’d you make me do it?! It’s you’re fault. Es Tu Culpa, Rey. (An EDDY SUCKS chant breaks out) I never wanted to lay a hand on you, and look what you made me do! But you know what Rey? Blessings come in disguises, esse. And see, I realized something last week, holmes. My eyes were opened. And I realized what you, and not only you; (rising) all of these people. I realized, that each and every one of you was living vicariously through me. You were stealing my passion, my love, my energy; you were stealing my Latino Heat! But as of last week, not anymore, ’cause I got it back; I got it ALL back. And I like it. I like what I’m feeling Rey. So I got a little piece of advice for you holmes. See, nothing, and no one, is ever, ever going to take away my Latino Heat again. So I want you listen, real close. (motioning the in ring cameraman) Come in, a little closer. LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! Quero que peiensas. I want you to think. Think of your family. Aliah and Dominic, your son, and your daughter. Don’t make me hurt them, Rey. Don’t make me hurt their daddy again, esse. Don’t make me take away their papa! ‘Cause I promise you this esse, you promise to make your return at Judgment Day? I advise against it. You return at Judgment Day; remember, right now, I have your blood on my hands. At Judgment Day, if you come back, I’ll have your LIFE!

With apologies to our Spanish speaking audience for my lousy transcripted Spanish, this was about 80 different shades of AWESOME. I don’t care about the Rey/Eddy feud; I’m just waiting for the inevitable Eddy/Cena showdown. Countdown begins now.

Tonight, it’s the return of Carlito’s Cabana, with his guest, the Big Show! Last week, Carlito said he has an offer that Show can’t refuse: coupons for the buffet!

Ok, maybe not. Also tonight, Judgment Day comes early! It’s Kurt Angle vs Booker T! I’ll bet money that this is Booker’s BJ match, to give him a win so he can lose to Angle next Sunday. Yep, you heard it here first! Well, if you didn’t read the spoilers, or Janette’s SD Live report.

Commercials. The trouble with these “Fair Enough” commercials, is that some of them really are funny, but not for the reasons they want.

I think I’m the only one on the planet that is looking more forward to the Red vs Blue disc and GTA San Andreas for PC than the new Star Wars.

Squash City: Spike Dudley vs Heidenreich. So WWE drops Reigns but keeps Morgan. At least they kept Heidy, who is now my official WWE “Guilty Pleasure.” Heidy speaks! He asked Spike to be his friend, but he said no! The shock! But Heidy is sure somebody else will be his friend. Heidy gets a BIG pop as he goes to ringside and pulls a kid from the crowd. Heidy invites him into the ring while Spike heads out. The kids name is Jordan, and he’s from Pennsylvania! Heidy offers to read a disasterpiece!

“Heidenreich, that’s my name.
Writing poems, that’s my game.
Finding friends is what I do.
And that’s why I have found you! (pointing to Jordan)
Heidenreich and Jordan are friends,
And we’ll be that way until the end.
Heidenreich is here tonight, because
Heidenreich is here to fight!
And that was a poem, by Heidenreich!”

Heidy asks if the kid liked it, and he did. He also asks Jordan if he wants to be in his corner tonight. The kid says “OK.” Heidy hands his poem to Jordan and we’re off!

Squash City: Spike Dudley vs Heidenreich w/ Jordan. Heidy works over Spike in the corner with rights. Heidy sends Spike to the other corner, but misses a BLIND charge and shoulders the STEEL post. Spike rakes at the face, and pounds on him in the corner. Spike does his little running gag on Heidy’s chest, and goes out after the kid. But Heidy comes out and saves him; pounding him to the floor, and then sending him back inside. After a quick check on the kid, Heidy goes back in lays on some rights against the far ropes. Heidy sends Spike for the ride and catches him in a swinging sidewalk slam for the win. Nice little finish he’s got there. DUD for technical quality, but *** for entertainment value. It was very cute, and not in a condescending way either. Nice job. Post match, Heidy invites the kid into the ring to celebrate with him.

Backstage, Booker T’s wife Charmel is WALKING. Right into Booker’s locker room, where he is getting ready for his match tonight with Kurt Angle. She wants to know if he’s ready for Kurt. Booker says he is, but he’s ready for a little lip-locking with her right now. She’s ready for some more of that! Before it gets all X-rated, we go to some…

Commercials.

Backstage, Chavo chats with MNM. They agree that Eddy is not to be trifeled with, and guess what? Neither are they! Tonight, Chavo and MNM have a match against Paul London and whomever he gets to be his partner. Malina is sure of one thing: it won’t be with Rey. I’m calling the Dudleys. Haven’t seen them in a while. Meanwhile…

Cole and Tazz recap the Booker T/Angle saga from last week. Charmel got some slaps in, but Kurt hits a low blow and Angle Slam on Booker, and goes after her. As Charmel runs, she trips and twists her ankle. Security steps in before Angle can do any damage. Meanwhile…

Backstage, Josh Matthews chats with Kurt. Kurt interrupts, noting that the last time Josh interviewed Angle, Josh asked an unprofessional question, and had the tar beat out of him. But as long as he learned his lesson, he may proceed. Josh says that some people say that Kurt’s conduct was unbecoming of a WWE Superstar. Angle doesn’t care what people say; Charmel slapped Kurt many times, and he doesn’t go after women. He makes them feel… good. He says we all have his vices, and his just happens to be gutter BEEP, which is what Booker’s wife is. Angle thinks is might be some kind of psychological disorder, but he has something he wants to say. He falters a bit, but carries on. “Booker, I want to have sex with your wife. And I’m not talking any kind of sex with your wife; no, no, no. I’m talking, you know, that bestiality sex, with your wife. What I want with your wife is that kind of perverted sex.”

That was just WAY too disturbing to be even REMOTELY entertaining. Eww.

(Thank God for) Commercials.

We get a promo for the ECW One Night Stand show.

Six Man Tag Team Action! MNM (c) & Chavo Guerrero vs Paul London (c) & Hardcore Holly and Charlie Hass. Ok, so I was wrong. There will be a Judgment Day press conference this coming Tuesday. Wait, they’re going to have a press conference 5 days before the show? WTF? Anywho, London and Nitro start off, with London grabbing a side headlock. Nitro shoves him to the corner, but eats an eyeble on the charge. London goes to the second rope, and hits a mule kick on Nitro. London gets a deep armdrag, and then drags Nitro to the face corner for a tag to Hass. Hass comes in a sends Nitro shoulder first into the corner He does a nifty little arm-breaker; think HHH’s facebuster, but with an arm. Hass locks in a top wristlock, but Nitro knees his way out of it. Nitro hits some rights on Hass, and sends him to the corner, but Nitro misses a charge and shoulders the turnbuckle. Hass hits a shoulder breaker, and then climbs to the second rope. He hits a flying knee to Nitro’s shoulder, and then Mercury comes in. So does Hardcore. They send Nitro for the ride and hit a double elbow, so Chavo comes in. He gets a double hiptoss for his trouble, and heads outside. Hass hits a bodyslam on Nitro and is on the hop, but Malina grabs his ankle, and with the ref distracted Mercury hits a hangman on the rope onto Hass. Mercury tags in a lays out Hass with some rights. He backs Hass into his corner, and jaws with the ref while Nitro and Chavo get in some shots. Chavo tags in, and have you noticed when Chavo is tagged in he ALWAYS hops over the ropes, instead of stepping through? Chavo with a right, a Euro uppercut and some stomps on Hass. Chavo hits a BIG belly-to-back suplex for two. Hass is all tied up in a keylock by Chavo; he elbows out but winds up in the wrong corner. Chavo pounds away, and when the ref pushes him back, MNM try to get some shots it, but Hass fights out, and walks right into a Chavo dropkick. Damn, that was a nice looking dropkick. But it only gets two. Chavo gets a cheap shot on London, knocking him to the floor, but jaws with Holly too long, which allows Hass to hit an exploder suplex. Malina does the tried and true Cornette “beat on the mat to get your guy up, but really help get the crowd involved” spot throughout the match. Nice. Chavo tries to stop Hass, but he makes the tag to Holly, who is a house on fire! Two clotheslines for Chavo and a BAAAAAAAACK body drop draws in MNM. Mercury takes a shot to the ribs, and Nitro eats a full nelson slam sandwich. Mercury gets sent for the ride, and there’s the big dropkick from Holly. Holly is fired up, and head to the top. He hits Chavo with the flying clothesline for two, broken up by MNM. Holly gets sent for the ride and ducks the double clothesline, and nails Mercury on the way back, but Nitro hits a superkick to send Holly to the corner and a blind tag by London. London hits a double cross body on Chavo and Nitro, and nails Chavo with a stiff clothesline. London with a hurracanrana, and sends Chavo to the corner. Chavo moves on the splash attempt, and is on the hop, but London hits the dropsault for two, again broken up by MNM. Hass sends Mercury out on one side, while Holly sends Nitro out on the other. London hits a forearm and sends Chavo for the ride, but Chavo reverses and ducks under. Chavo is going for the GORY BOMB! But London rolls all the way though for a cover and is too close to the ropes. Chavo rolls out and rolls up London, using feet on the ropes, for the three. *** 1/4. I don’t really see the point unless Chavo/London is added to the show next Sunday, but it was wrapped up in some nice wrestling, so it’s all good.

Still to come, Booker T. vs Kurt Angle!

Commercials.

We see footage of John Cena’s album signing from Best Buy. Looked like a decent crowd too.

John Bradshaw Layfield drives out for a chat. Cole and Tazz hype the “I Quit” match for next Sunday. JBL is very proud to announce the re-release of his book, “Have More Money Now.” Reviewers say it’s the best thing since the Bible. Eh, what do reviewers know. Er, um, nevermind. JBL says you will NOT find a Parental Advisory on his book, because unlike Cena’s hip-hop album, he is here to build up America, not tear it down. He’s seen the video, and Cena is not a “Bad” man, he’s a bad example, a bad role model, and a bad champion. His 15 minutes are just about over, and, well, I’ll let him tell it:

“Like most one-hit wonders, on your 14th minute, your ego has engulfed you. And you have the audacity to challenge me to an “I Quit” match. And then get Teddy Long to make it official. John, you have no idea, I guess, what I have been though the past 12 months. I have been Tombstoned on the stairs, I have been chokeslamed through the ring, chokeslamed through the table, chokeslamed though my limousine. I have been frogsplashed from the top of the cage, I have been bookend on the floor. I have been busted open, black eyes, and broken nose more times than I care to count. I have sweat gallons, and bled buckets and through it all, never once did the words “I Quit” ever cross my mind. The more I bled, the more championships I have won. I smell like smoke because I have been through fire! And at Judgment Day John, it is your time to visit that fire. Because at Judgment Day, listen to me, I guarantee you, I am gonna bust open your pretty little face. And when you laying there contemplating your future, and when you say the words “I Quit,” because I am absolutely incapable of saying that, you’re gonna realize that when you say “I Quit,” it’s not like getting pinned, and it’s not like tapping out. Not like getting knocked out. To say the words “I Quit,” means another man owns your soul. And I am too rich for anybody to own anything of mine. You will understand why I am here and people pay to see ME, and why you belong in the stands. You will understand that just like the Israelites at the base of Sinai that erected a golden calf, you will realize that they are idolizing something false, and that what I am is who I say that I am, and I am a WRESTLING GOD. And from Wembley, to the Garden, to the Target Center to Budokan Hall, they will echo through the chambers for all of eternity, chanting my name. J-B-L. J-B-L. J-B…”

Cena’s music hits and the champ is HERE. JBL talks smack as Cena heads to the ring. Cena does a takedown and the big pull apart brawl is on. The Cabinet comes out before long, and it’s four on one. A few cruisers come out to break it up, then half the locker room, agents and refs head out. Cena breaks free a few times, but we gotta go to some…

Commercials.

Moments ago, things that happened right before the commercials. I’m still not crazy about “Stone Cold” John Cena, but JBL’s promo about as awesome as it gets.

Jobbers on TV in the New Millennium: Eddie Guerrero vs Jimmy Jacob. Um, why? Oh well, squash Eddy is better than no Eddy. Eddy mounts the mask on the ring post, and the ref checks him for weapons. Eddy demands that he check the other guy, and as he does, Eddy clotheslines Jacob down. Eddy with some stomps and rights. Jacob is sent for the ride and Eddy drops down, hops back up and hits an eyeble. Jacob tries a chop, but Eddy pounds him down. Eddy hits a HUGE belly-to-back suplex, then gets the mask and speaks to it. He must have gotten a reply, because he puts it over Jacobs’s head and works him over some more. He sends Jacobs outside and pounds his head on the announcers table a few times. Eddy send Jacobs back in and grabs a chair. The ref warns him, but he almost turns on the ref. The ref finally goes outside, and Eddy drops the chair on the mat. Jacobs is set up for a suplex, and eats a BRAINBUSTER ON THE CHAIR. HOLY CRAP! Eddy is of course, DQ’d. DUD. Really not much of a match, but that Brainbuster was SICK. Post match, Eddy yells at the mask. You know, I think there’s too many crazy people on this show.

Yikes, I’d better be quiet. We may get Snitsky!

Still to come (part duex) Booker T./Angle and Carlito’s Cabana!

Commercials.

Moments ago, stuff that wasn’t in the previous moments ago. But we don’t get to see it because it’s time for a Judgment Day preview!

Rey Mysterio vs Eddie Guerreo

Booker T. vs Kurt Angle

WWE Championship: I Quit Rules
John Cena (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield

This leads into a shill for Cena’s new album and video single, “Bad, Bad Man.” Which leads to a really bad impersonation of Mr. T by Cole. Which leads into the video. Fast Forward Button, ACTIVATE!

Commercials. Less than a month until PC gamers rejoice with the release GTA: SA.

Matt Morgan vs Funaki. Well, at least Funaki can give him a challenge, right? Right? Morgan asks Funaki his nickname, which is of course “SmackDown number one announcer!” Morgan notes that the people are laughing at Funaki, because of the way he talks. Morgan stutters through the whole promo, by the way. Wink, nod, har. Morgan asks of he sees what he’s talking about, and Funaki responds with a thumb to the eye. Yah, that’ll shut him up. Funaki’s on the hop, but Morgan meets him with a big boot. Morgan stomps Funaki, then does the slingshot into the second rope. Morgan hits the vertical into a Rock Bottom, which I now thee dub the Stutter Step. DUD. They should have kept Reigns.

The RAW Rebound recaps the Gold Rush Tournament. As does James Hatton’s MONDAY NIGHT RABBLE!

So does Papa Smark, but I’m fairly sure he doesn’t need any plugs from me.

Backstage, Booker T. tells his wife to stay back here. Or there. Oh, you know what I mean.

Next, it’s Carlito’s Cabana!

Commercials.

It’s time! It’s TIME! IT’S CABANA TIME! Carlito calls out the Big Show, and he has an offer he can’t refuse. Carlito is looking for some big backup, and a lot of muscle to keep things…cool around here. Show asks if he wants him to be second banana, and Carlito says no way, we do apples here. Har. Carlito says Show needs Carlito as much as Carlito needs Show. Like this! He shows WM 21 stills from Show’s loss to Akebono. If Show had Carlito in his corner, he would have been able to keep cool in any situation. Instead, he was left with his ass hanging, and he lost at WM. Together, he, or they, could be unstoppable. Show agrees, they could be unstoppable, but he’s the largest athlete in the world. He’s held every major title in this industry. Oh yeah? He’s never held the prestigious Western States Heritage Title. So Show says no go; it’s not cool. Carlito says there is no other choice, and grabs an apple from his pocket. He goes to take a bite, but Show goozles him and grabs the apple. He takes massive bites of the apple, but looks a little woozy. He falls to his knees, holding his stomach. Carlito tells him that there is a bad apple in every bunch; Show just had that apple. Carlito kicks him while he’s down and throws pieces of the set on him. This had better lead to a Carlito victory at the PPV, clean or otherwise, or I’m gonna be pissed.

Commercials.

Moments ago, Show has a bad apple. Do you people not pay attention to ANYTHING?!

Main Event: Judgment Day Preview: Kurt Angle vs Booker T. I am still rather disturbed by that promo. That’s not really a good thing either. Booker hits rights and chops right away followed by kicks on the ropes. A BIG chop knocks Kurt down. And another. Angle is sent for the ride and eats a clothesline. Another big chop from Booker knocks Angle down again. Booker stomps and even chokes Kurt against the ropes. Kurt grabs a handful of locks and sends Booker to the mat, stomping him down. Angle hits a chop and a bunch of rights to send Booker to the corner. More rights follow. Booker blocks and hits a right of his own, a chop, and hangs him up on the top rope. Angle falls out to the floor. Outside, Booker hits a forearm and runs Angle face first into the security barricade. Booker has a chair, but the referee takes it away, allowing Angle to get a shot in on Booker. Angle plays Jungle Fever with Booker’s head on the STEEL steps. Booker sent back in, and Angle kicks him in the ribs. Big time vertical suplex by Kurt, followed by a Euro uppercut, a kick and a rear chinlock. Booker hits a jawbreaker to escape, and superkick to take Angle down. Booker with a bunch of rights, but Angle scampers out of the ring. Outside again, Angle chops Booker and punches him hard in the jaw. Angle puts him back in the ring, where he sends Booker for the ride. But Booker reverses and ducks under, hitting the reverse kick. Another BIG chop, but Angle grabs Booker’s tights and sends him shoulder first into the STEEL post. Angle looks distracted, but he hits the Angle Slam on Booker. The straps are down, but Angle is… leaving? Kurt heads backstage, and Booker follows. Angle finds Booker’s locker room and busts in. Charmel screams a lot as Angle shuts the door. Booker is coming and kicks open the door, but Charmel is just crying on the floor. Angle ambushes him and tosses him into a table (killing a poor, defenseless lamp,) some changing dividers and some good shots into a locker. Charmel still screams. A LOT. Kurt leaves as Charmel cries for help and we go off the air…

THE INSIDE PULSE

Well, this was a show that had some good stuff (Eddy, JBL, Heidy and the six man) and some really ill-advised stuff (Carlito/Show, Angle/Booker, Morgan). So let’s split the difference and call it average. See ya next week!

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