The SmarK RAnt for Prison Break – Episode 3

The SmarK Rant for Prison Break – Episode 3

So when we left our crew of anti-heroes last week, Mike had managed to fashion a bolt into a makeshift screwdriver that fit perfectly into the side of his toilet, but had a little bad luck to temper that success, as prison gangster John Abruzzi cut off two of his toes in retaliation for a blackmail scheme that Mike was hatching.

We join things with the de-toed Mike being taken to his favorite hangout, the infirmary, but without the telltale toes, he’s stuck with a permanent limp. The guards brush off the doctor’s fears about a prisoner attack, instead dismissing it as a gardening accident. This brings to mind the famous line from Beverly Hills Cop, where Axl Foley wonders if being thrown out of a moving car would be classed as jaywalking.

So it turns out that Mike’s latest key to the escape attempt is a cell phone, although whether it’s to make a call or be engineered into a helicopter or ray gun or something remains to be seen. Considering what he did with the bolt, you never know. He also needs heartbroken cellmate Sucre for some reason, but what that reason is remains to be seen. Sadly, Sucre is still having troubles with his woman, who won’t answer her phone. I have to agree with her mom — the guy she’s stepping out with seems to have more upside than Sucre, in that he can walk the streets freely and hasn’t been convicted of anything that would land him in a maximum security prison. But maybe I’m old-fashioned that way.

Meanwhile, Teabag buys a knife for gutting Mike like a fish. Do they make a Hallmark card to go with that?

LJ’s problems continue, as he still hates his dad, and then feels the ironic hand of irony when he gets put into a drug program where he has to participate in a “Scared Straight” program with…his dad. That’s a pretty obvious twist.

Veronica meets up with the paranoid girlfriend of her presumed-dead source, and the chick pulls a gun on her by way of greeting. Veronica PROMISES safety if she’ll just leave her fortress of solitude and come down to the office and fill out some paperwork. She absolutely guarantees that no government agents will, say, kidnap her and murder her in cold blood. Honest.

Apparently Mike’s Cell Phone Plan involves first tipping off the guards that Sucre knows about it, and then seeing if he talks or not when threatened with permanent loss of his conjugal visits. For some crazy reason, Sucre thinks that Mike is an asshole for putting him in that position. But hey, he doesn’t talk, so it’s not all bad.

Abruzzi’s boss still wants results on the blackmail angle that Mike is working, and even a nicely gift-wrapped pair of toes won’t sway his bad mood. Man, I know that if one of my underlings gave me some guy’s toes in a little gift box, it’d brighten up my day, but apparently this mobster is tougher to crack than most. Again, I ask, does Hallmark make cards to go along with severed body parts in a gift box? And if not, why not? Anyway, the gesture fails so spectacularly that Abruzzi’s children now have to spend some quality time with Uncle Kneebreaker until the whole Fibonacci thing gets figured out. I kind of hope that Mike puts them through a complex series of math problems involving adding a series of numbers starting with 1, 1, 2, 3 in order to find him. I mean, that name CAN’T be a coincidence. There’s not enough math geek jokes on these sorts of shows, and Mike’s just the guy to change that.
Mike’s doctor suspects that it wasn’t just a gardening accident that cost him his toes. No wonder they pay her the big money.

Back in the outside world, the evil Secret Service guys pay a friendly visit to Veronica and offer their help with clearing Linc’s name…and then her witness goes missing. Now who didn’t see that one coming?

Mike continues pissing off everyone, and Teabag looks to be in cahoots with Abruzzi out of necessity for both guys. However, Abruzzi suddenly grows a conscience once Teabag gets too wrapped up in wanting to rape Mike, because I guess he draws the line there. Cutting toes off, no problem, but RAPE? Forget it. So Abruzzi decides to try it Mike’s way, and Mike thinks he’s “mercurial” while Abruzzi prefers “bold”. Nice bit of dialogue there.

Over in the visiting cages, Linc asks LJ the question that all fathers eventually ask their son — would he be there for him on his execution day? Now you can’t tell me Hallmark doesn’t make a card for THAT.

As a reward for his continued good relationship with the guards, Mike gets a new cellmate, who is from the psycho ward. As if that wasn’t enough of a hint, he enters the show to something sounding like the theme to Silence of the Lambs. The charmingly named Haywire is played by Silas Mitchell, who did a few episodes of 24 a couple of years ago.

The Secret Service guys, who are growing increasingly less secret in their services, end the Latitia subplot with a well-placed bullet to the head, even after she begged for her life. Boy, these guys are mean.

And finally, as Mike once again goes back to working on his toilet while Haywire sleeps, he learns that in fact the psychosis of his new cellmate comes from his total inability to sleep. Ever. Well, I guess that’s another person in on the plan.