Add Homonym Attacks! #8

Add Homonym Attacks! #8

Ad Hominem: Appealing to personal considerations rather than to logic or reason.
Ad Hominem Attack: An argument that focuses on a personal attack as opposed to the subject in question.
Add Homonym Attacks!: The process by which one inserts a homophone and it bites you.
(It also serves as the title to Inside Pulse’s representative column in the world of Critical Thinking, Science and Skepticism.)

An All Natural Rant

These days, whenever I see somebody express an opinion (at least in the written form), they call it a rant. They act all apologetic that they have an opinion that might be different from somebody else’s opinion.

Well f*ck that and f*ck you.

There is no need to apologize for expressing an opinion.

Even one that might piss some people off.

Here in these United States, we have the right to think what we want to think. It is in that pesky Bill of Rights that some of us still care about.

You know what isn’t in the Bill of Rights?
Amendment 1.76: John Q. Dickface has the right to never be offended by anything ever.

Sometimes, people are going to upset you. This is a good thing. It might even force you to think about some of the silly beliefs you hold. I know that some of you have no time for this evaluation and self-realization and all that business because you are too busy… f*ck, I dunno watching “Sex and the City” reruns on WGN or some shit.

Anyway, here we go:

An All Natural Rant

Fuck you nature.

I don’t want to here about all natural this and all natural that. It isn’t a selling point for me. You know what nature means to me? Bugs. You know what nature provides? Arsenic. You know what mother nature does? She makes hurricanes.

Nature doesn’t care whether I live or die. It cannot. It doesn’t think. It doesn’t feel. It is a f*cking concept, not a person.

If you go to the Pharmacy nowadays, you are bound to see some book or pamphlet or magazine with a title along the lines of Natural remedies your Doctor doesn’t want you to know about. Your doctor doesn’t want you to know about these things because you might start doing them instead of going for ACTUAL TREATMENT.

Of course, chances are my Doctor doesn’t even know or care about such remedies. Last time I visited her, I brought in one of the women’s health magazines that was lying around the waiting room. I pointed her to an “Alternative” medicine column on, ugh, color therapy.

You know, how different colors can affect your different Chakras or some shit?

Anyway, I show it to her, because I find this to be the funniest shit in the world.

First she says, “Chakra… isn’t that an author?”

I told her that she was thinking of Deepak Chopra.

Then she said, “So… is this saying that you should eat crayons?”

Oh boy.

I also have a lovely story involving the friend of a friend, possibly of another friend too. She had beast cancer, and decided to treat it with herbs. All natural remedies, and all that business.

After a couple of months, she went to her friend to complain about some leaking.

“What’s leaking?”

“My breast.”

“Like milk? From the nipple?”

“Nipple? Oh, no. That fell off weeks ago.”


We want to believe that an all natural product has a good chance of being beneficial and no chance of being harmful, but that just doesn’t make sense. You know what’s natural? Hungry lions, nightshade, blowfish toxin, and all sorts of things that are actually kinda harmful.

A woman I know was questioning me for putting Sweet and Low in my coffee. I tell her, “I’m diabetic.”

She says, “Oh. What does that mean?”

“I make little to no insulin. My pancreas is rubbish.”

“Oh. So you can’t have that refined sugar?”

“Well, I need to take an injection of insulin if I want to eat anything that contains any carbohydrates.”

“…” (The look a dog gets when it tries to comprehend M theory.)

“It doesn’t matter if the sugar is “in the raw,” refined, low brow, or anything like that.”

“That refined sugar is no good for you. So, you can drink juice and fruit…”

“No. Juice is sugar water. Juice is no good for me without lots of insulin. My insulin that was made by scientists using fancy pants DNA manipulation.”

And then it turned into the movie Safe and she went off about how “chemicals” added to food gave her cancer. “You don’t read about anybody getting cancer a thousand years ago.”

That is because nobody knew what cancer was! And you died at f*cking 30.

The Frankenfood people are the worst though. “Food should be food. I don’t like this genetic modification. Food should be natural.”

You know who does like GM food? Me. Especially if the new type of golden rice is effective and prevents kids from dying or going blind.

And you know, if you modify food, it can require less of those pesky chemicals that you all seem to hate. And the ground needs less plowing, meaning less pollution.

This organic food nonsense has got to stop. It is f*cking superstition against science. It is no good.

I remember being excited a couple of years ago. We were getting a big batch of corn from THE big organic farm in Illinois.

I shuck the first piece. Half of the cob looks no good. I shuck the second piece. Bugs have gotten to that one, not worth keeping. And on and on. I ended up throwing out half of the corn as unusable. That which I did make tasted no better than any other corn I’ve ever eaten. Actually a bit worse than what I am used to as my hometown had farmers sell fresh corn on the side of the highway.

Anyway, modern farming is a good thing! It allows us to feed people. Norman Bolaug has saved one billion people from starvation by introducing modern farming around the world. A BILLION.

The Borlaug hypothesis states: increasing the productivity of agriculture on the best farmland can help control deforestation by reducing the demand for new farmland. The world’s population is increasing and people tend to be getting bigger. Let’s take a block quote from Wikipedia

restricting crop usage to traditional low-yield methods such as organic farming would also require at least one of the following: the world population to decrease, either voluntarily or as a result of mass starvations; or the conversion of forest land into crop land. It is thus argued that high yield techniques are ultimately saving ecosystems from destruction.

So bitches, you have to choose: do you want your nonsense organic food or your precious rainforests?

But go on you motherf*ckers. Go to f*cking Whole Foods and buy your organic nonsense. I’ve even seen ORGANIC SALT in the local Co-op grocery store. ORGANIC SALT. If that doesn’t sound a little odd to you, well, you might be retarded.

And go drink your f*cking organic, “fairly traded” coffee. (“Fairly traded” coffee is the biggest f*cking misnomer.) My f*cking Maxwell House is organic. It is derived from living matter. I’m taking back my f*cking word.

You all can’t use it anymore, especially you organic salt people.

And f*ck you. You can’t use my water either. It was cleaned and treated with science. Find your own water, tap isn’t natural. And don’t even think about drinking that stuff from a (GASP!) plastic bottle.

And no loganberries for you either. They are a hybrid. Tampering in God’s domain they are! You’ll have none of that. Hell, no crops at all for you. Naturally, we are hunters and gatherers.

And this whole living in houses business. Mother nature wouldn’t want you to do that.

Feel free to continue using deodorant.

FURTHER READING: The Costly Fraud of Organic Food.