Welcome to the Inside Pulse WWE SmackDown! Report. I’m Rob Welcher and currently I am suffering from some damn “super flu” so, I’ll do my best, but don’t expect much….like you ever do…kidding. Anywho, let’s get started.
The first match is a rematch from last week putting the extremely underused Rey Mysterio against “The World’s Boringest, er Strongest Man” Mark Henry. Mysterio takes it to Mark by blasting him with a kick with before he can even waddle into the ring. Rey Rey works over Sexual Chocolates legs early on before getting leveled with a clothesline. Rey begins using the only offense he has in this situation: Hit and Run/Guerilla tactics.
Mysterio attempts, keyword here is attempts, a tornado DDT but gets decimated with a gorrilla press slam, I’m pretty sure that Rey is dead, no wait, he’s breathing. Henry slams the former WCW/WWE Cruiserweight Champion and follows up with a splash…thus proving to the crowd that he knows at least four moves. Mysterio rolls out of the ring and hides under the ring…just like Delirious (for you hardcore independent fed lovers, you’re welcome.). Rey Rey pops up out from under the ring and attacks Henry from behind with a dropkick.
Mysterio hits the 619 and the springboard leg drop. He goes for the moonsault, and….HE HITS IT!!!! And Henry…kicks out..wait a minute, Big Show jobs to Zach Gowen, but Henry kicks out of the same move? A second 619 is successful, however, the springboard is not as Henry rises and catches the high flying former WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Champion (Ah, memories) and sets him up for a powerbomb. Rey squirms his self out but get’s caught in a powerslam for the devestating loss.
Winner- Mark Henry
Matt Hardy is shown backstage, he won’t die, etc. He is an underdog, etc. He should have went to TNA, wait he didn’t say that. Booker and Orton are talking, If the Rumble comes down to Booker and Orton, then maybe Orton will cash in his favor…you’re all wrong, my boy Kane is taking the Rumble. Either that or I will personally show up and win. The medicine I’m on causes extreme halucinations. I apologize.
The Mexicools vs. The Dicks (tee hee) vs. Nunzio and Vito
*note, which ever team wins is in the Rumble.
**who cares
Mass chaos, I really can’t get into this match…The Mexicools win with a wheelbarrow-facebuster on FBI member Nunzio, they are still the FBI, aren’t they?
Winners- The Mexicools
“The Rabid Wolverine” Chris Benoit vs “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton- No DQ match.
Randy starts the match by uppercutting Benoit, sending the man he dethrowned to become World Champ, to the outside. Orton slammed Benoits back into the ring and slammed him onto the floor for a two count. Mr. RKO executes one of his beutiful standing dropkicks and smashes an aluminum trash can lid across “The Canadian Crippler’s” head. Orton picks up the actual trash receptical (can, in laymens terms) and rushes at the man he screwed out of a potential mediocre run as the new WWE United States Champion, but the former Four Horseman gives a drop toe hold to “The Youngest World Champ in WWE History” and Orton eats the can.
Benoit rams Orton’s face into the steps and Tazz’s table but get’s caught with a dreaded RAKE TO THE FACE!!!! Randy bounces Benoit off the table for a two count. Randy Orton grabs the great equalizer that is the steel chair and attempts to smash Benoit across the forehead, Benoit ducks and locks Orton into the Sharpshooter, Orton escapes and levels Benoit with a high knee for a count of two. Back int he ring, Orton receives a Nortern Lights Suplex and the hat trick of Germans, followed by a superplex. Orton escapes from the Crossface and both men are back outside the ring, Benoit recieves the trash can…over his head. Orton removes the padding and attempts a powerbomb on the concreat. He waits to long and the move gets countered into a back body drop.
Benoit grabs the chair and swings for the stars, superstars that is, but misses. Back in the ring, he hits the Germans again, Benoit signals that it is time for the flying headbutt, he jumps from the turnbuckle, only the meet the trash can lid laying on Orton’s chest. Ouch. Orton goes for the RKO, but Benoit counters it with a trash can lid to the head, and the crossface. Orton taps.
Winner- Chris Benoit.
Finlay vs. SmackDown! #1 Announcer, Funaki
THIS STORYLINE SUCKS!!!!! Funaki hits an enzuguri and an atomic drop, until Finlay hits an Emerald Fusion and pins Funaki, however, He wouldn’t stop attacking Funaki, so the ref reversed the decesion. Finlay executes another Emerald Fusion on Funaki and leaves.
Winner- Funaki
Animal and Bobby Lashley are going to win the Rumble.
JBL vs. S2H (Scotty 2 Hotty)
The former WWE Champion decimates the former World Tag Team Champion when The Boogeyman’s music rings through the arena and worms drop from the ceiling. Boogey appears behind JBL and clocks (get it) him over the head with the…well, clock. JBL falls into the worms and leaves with Jillian Hall. Boogey grubs on the…grubs. (yes, I know worms aren’t grubs, but it sounded cool.)
Winner-No Contest
Melina is in T. Lo’s office saying that he did nothing about the Batista sexual harrassment incident (I’ll get him for you…) and he did nothing about her being locked in the ankle lock. She said that T. Lo has two strikes against him, and he better not make it three.
Two on One Handicap match, WWE Tag Team Champions MNM vs. World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle.
Joey Mercury locks up with Angle and attempts to best Angle in amature holds. Angle destroys Mercury who quickly tags in Nitro, but to no avail as he suffers from the same damn problem. Nitro elbows Kurt in the temple, Angle snaps and…gets doubled teamed by MNM when my future wife distracts the ref. MNM sets up the World Champion for the Snapshot, but Angle counters and gives Nitro a belly to belly suplex and stalked Melina who was still distracting the ref. Mercury switches with Nitro and nails Kurt with a roll of quarters but only gets a two count. Kurt sends Nitro to the outside with another belly to belly and forces Mercury to tap with the Ankle Lock. Mark Henry runs down and recieves an Angle Slam and the Ankle Lock but gets right up and throws Angle out of the ring.
Winner-All the TNA fans, I mean, Kurt Angle.
